Hello I came here because I don't know what else to do or who to talk to. But my boyfriend and love of my life has become addicted to herion. I know addiction is a hard struggle for him. And it's been extremely hard on me. When he's high he is a totally different person he puts me down and everything is always my fault. I try to tell myself it's the drug talking but the things he say to me hurt. He talks about hurting himself and saying no one cares or loves him when I have been here the whole time, it just hurts. I am at the point now where I cry every single day because of how he's aciting or what he says. I am getting tired of waiting hours for him in the bathroom and then just sitting around and doing nothing. I miss the old life we used to have when he was happy and we would always be out doing something. He's tried to quit herion many times but somehow always goes back to it. The sickness is what always makes go back to it. He told me he wanted to quit but hasnt.He tells me the last time is always the last time. I want to start a future with this man and grow old with him but a sober him. All of this is breaking me down I can't remember what it's like to be happy, my life has seemed to revolve around him the last couple of months. He lost his job doesn't have anything and I've been the one to do everything for him, which I love him and don't mind. But without the job he somehow still manages to get the drug which I don't understand. My head and heart are having this battle of should I leave or should I stay? That's where I am torn at right now. I want to stick by his side and support him but when he doesn't want to get help what I am supposed to do sit around and wait? And then how long will that be months or years? I think if I left him he would stop or would he get into it worst. I don't know how to help him because sometimes he will blame me and tell me I am the reason he is doing it, he makes me feel like I am the one that's doing something wrong and that I am the bad guy. I hate feeling like that because like I said I have done nothing but been here for him.when everyone else has given up. I don't understand it. I just want him back to his normal self instead of every day being an argument. Should I give up hope and move on? Or should I stay and fight? I am trying to talk to him while he is sober but there hasn't been an opportunity to yet. I need advice or some words of encouragement!
Hey Pinkgirl,
As a recovering addict myself, I feel for you and him. Heroin not only destroyed my life, but my families in many aspects. I'm sorry you're having to go through this and know that you're not alone. A lot of people are in the exact same situation as you, as much victim to this addiction as your boyfriend.
I don't know the financial background of your boyfriend, such as parents and friends and what not, but chances are good that if he's still able to use without an income it's from theft of some sort. Honestly, I'd give all your valuables like jewelry and electronics a quick once over to make sure they're all accounted for.
The best solution, in my opinion, is also the hardest to execute. Get his family together and stage an intervention. I think you need to clearly state that if he won't get help then you'll be left no choice but to leave him. If he hasn't hit rock bottom yet then it's only going to get worse for you. Sometimes we have to let the ones we love hit rock bottom before they can get better.
Whatever you do, ultimately it has to revolve around him getting help and direct, clear, consequences if he doesn't. You MUST have the fortitude to see the consequences through, in it's entirety, if it comes to that.
Though I believe everyone can beat their addiction, some people simply can't ever do it despite all the help and support in the world. Though your love for him despite everything is beyond commendable, you deserve the same love in return. I strongly advise you not to waste the best years of your life on someone like this, unless they get help.
I hate to put the guy through the misery of losing his GF, I know when I lost my fiance it made my addiction worse. Prepare yourself for that. You may feel guilty if things turn worse for him. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!! In fact, that turn for the worse is exactly what he needs to hit rock bottom.
I will be wishing and hoping that he can see the light and make the required changes to keep you in his life. Just be prepared for the worse case scenario.
As a recovering addict myself, I feel for you and him. Heroin not only destroyed my life, but my families in many aspects. I'm sorry you're having to go through this and know that you're not alone. A lot of people are in the exact same situation as you, as much victim to this addiction as your boyfriend.
I don't know the financial background of your boyfriend, such as parents and friends and what not, but chances are good that if he's still able to use without an income it's from theft of some sort. Honestly, I'd give all your valuables like jewelry and electronics a quick once over to make sure they're all accounted for.
The best solution, in my opinion, is also the hardest to execute. Get his family together and stage an intervention. I think you need to clearly state that if he won't get help then you'll be left no choice but to leave him. If he hasn't hit rock bottom yet then it's only going to get worse for you. Sometimes we have to let the ones we love hit rock bottom before they can get better.
Whatever you do, ultimately it has to revolve around him getting help and direct, clear, consequences if he doesn't. You MUST have the fortitude to see the consequences through, in it's entirety, if it comes to that.
Though I believe everyone can beat their addiction, some people simply can't ever do it despite all the help and support in the world. Though your love for him despite everything is beyond commendable, you deserve the same love in return. I strongly advise you not to waste the best years of your life on someone like this, unless they get help.
I hate to put the guy through the misery of losing his GF, I know when I lost my fiance it made my addiction worse. Prepare yourself for that. You may feel guilty if things turn worse for him. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!! In fact, that turn for the worse is exactly what he needs to hit rock bottom.
I will be wishing and hoping that he can see the light and make the required changes to keep you in his life. Just be prepared for the worse case scenario.
Bryan1128! Thank you! I appreciate what you said! And I know I would think after losing a job that would be rock bottom but I guess rock bottom is different for everyone! As I sit here I keep thinking about how it feels like I am wasting the best years of my life I am only 23 and still have a lot I want to do! I wish it could be with him but you are right I do need to prepare for the worst!
If you don't mind me asking what was it that made finally made you get clean?
If you don't mind me asking what was it that made finally made you get clean?
lol I hit rock bottom in every sense...
I lost my fiance, daughter, a REALLY good job, my family basically disowned me, good friends stopped calling to hang out, pawned all things of value including my car, I was stealing to support my habit, the usual suspects.
One day it all caught up to me and I got arrested. The only thing I really had left of any value was my freedom which was the price I was about to pay. I was ordered to 6 months of rehab or I was going to prison for a good bit of time.
I'll be honest, at first I didn't want to go but I did. I was placed on suboxone and slowly started making progress towards my recovery. Each day I got further from heroin use gave me more clarity that I had gone to far to turn back. Then one day I woke up and I was ready to finally be done with being physically dependent on a drug so I simply stopped taking the bupe and went through withdrawals like it was nothing. Okay, I lie because it really sucked... but I was head strong which gave me the will power to see it through.
Here I am today, trying to pick up the pieces of what's left of my life. It's not all bad, but I did a lot of damage over time and most of it can't be undone. For example, I'm now stuck doing jobs that don't really excite me because I can't pass a background check. I haven't been in a relationship in years because I developed a very strong anti-social personality when I used and that has made me socially awkward you could say. Whole bunch of stuff.
I may sound like I'm complaining, but it's still leaps and bounds better than being a slave to heroin.
I lost my fiance, daughter, a REALLY good job, my family basically disowned me, good friends stopped calling to hang out, pawned all things of value including my car, I was stealing to support my habit, the usual suspects.
One day it all caught up to me and I got arrested. The only thing I really had left of any value was my freedom which was the price I was about to pay. I was ordered to 6 months of rehab or I was going to prison for a good bit of time.
I'll be honest, at first I didn't want to go but I did. I was placed on suboxone and slowly started making progress towards my recovery. Each day I got further from heroin use gave me more clarity that I had gone to far to turn back. Then one day I woke up and I was ready to finally be done with being physically dependent on a drug so I simply stopped taking the bupe and went through withdrawals like it was nothing. Okay, I lie because it really sucked... but I was head strong which gave me the will power to see it through.
Here I am today, trying to pick up the pieces of what's left of my life. It's not all bad, but I did a lot of damage over time and most of it can't be undone. For example, I'm now stuck doing jobs that don't really excite me because I can't pass a background check. I haven't been in a relationship in years because I developed a very strong anti-social personality when I used and that has made me socially awkward you could say. Whole bunch of stuff.
I may sound like I'm complaining, but it's still leaps and bounds better than being a slave to heroin.
Good advice from Bryan, everyone's rock bottom is different and you can't blame yourself for how we might find it. We all either get there or not, and it's always in our own time...I'm sorry you have to handle this...but better now than 25 years down the road...wishing you strength
Im sorry you are going through this. If it were ME.....Id leave. Ive been on both sides of the coin...loved addicts and am an addict. Ive been TRYING to quit for 30 yrs. It seems that we as the loved ones of addicts ALSO have to hit OUR rock bottoms. As you said , you are young, and wasting precious years of your life. Alan meetings may be a great source for you and will help you make a sound decision. We also need to look at OURSELVES....why we are in this situation. Allowing someone to manipulate and blame us for their unhappiness.
Thank all of your for your advice!! I truly appreciate it!! At this point any decision that I make is going to be a hard one!! I just don't know how to build up strength to leave the one that I love :( just thinking about doing it brings me to tears. Would I be making the right decision to leave? Maybe it seems wrong now but in the long run it might be right but I have no idea. I've learned that I can't make someone change, I want him to quit for me but he has to quit for himself just wish he would want to. I really need strength right now :(
People say they're going to change, they even swear to their God they're going to change...
At the end of the day, we are who we are. Only we can change ourselves.
Leaving him if he won't get help is the best thing you can do for yourself and him. There's a saying that goes something like -
"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's for real." Or something like that...
If the two of you are meant to be together, this will only be a detour in the road for you two. Your paths will cross again one day and it will be like nothing ever happened really.
If not, well, you didn't really lose anything in reality.
At the end of the day, we are who we are. Only we can change ourselves.
Leaving him if he won't get help is the best thing you can do for yourself and him. There's a saying that goes something like -
"If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it's for real." Or something like that...
If the two of you are meant to be together, this will only be a detour in the road for you two. Your paths will cross again one day and it will be like nothing ever happened really.
If not, well, you didn't really lose anything in reality.
