Hello everybody, I'm new here and have been reading a lot of the posts recently. I figured I could tell my story here and not be judged and get some helpful advice. I am not a heroin addict but fell in love with one. I have smoked pot off and on for years and enjoy a few drinks socially. But I am not addicted to anything. I live a good life raising my 6 year old daughter.
So my story starts like this..About 9 years ago I met a man, we dated 4 months and then he told me he was using heroin and asked if I would stay the weekend with him to help him go through the with drawls. Well, I did just that. It was horrible to see him that way. But I was intent on helping him get better. About a week later when I showed up to his house he had another woman there. Obviously, we broke things off. I was devasttated and couldn't believe after helping him through that situation that he could just cut me loose and start a relationship with a different woman in such a short amount of time. So, I left and never looked back.
Fast forward to now (9 years later). I ran into him at a bar back April and he told me was clean and that he'd like to take me out for dinner. I did go and met him for dinner and he apologized for how had treated me in the past. Needless to say we started dating again.
Things were wonderful, we had a great time together and I felt like he truly loved me. Things moved pretty fast. We had stared dating in April and after 3 months of dating he wanted us to get a place together. I felt a bit rushed but thought, "Hey, we're in love, why not." But, soon we discovered that the rental market was terrible. So he had a brilliant plan that we would just stay at my mom's (paying her rent obviously) through the winter so we could stack some cash to and get a place in the spring.
He was at our place no more than 3 weeks and I started to see the signs of heroin use. Constant sniffing, mood swings, low sex drive, disappearing for amounts of time, long trips to the bathroom(taking a water bottle with him), even in public places!
I really knew something was wrong when he took my car to the bank, which is 2 blocks away and came home with a fever, which lasted a few hours(come to find out after some research, it was from 'dirty cottin'). That next day I decided to search all his stuff and pulled out a cloth that seemed to be a tie off! That was it, I went to his job site and asked him what it was for, he tried to lie and say it was a snot rag, but I knew better. I told him I wasn't going to take the lies any more and for him to be honest with me. That day he told me the truth and said he had been using the entire time we were together and said he lied because he didn't want to lose me. He said he thought he would be able to kick it on his own without me knowing.
Apparently, the relapse had started back in Feb. of this year when he was dating a woman, who had lots of money, long distance and he went to visit her and discovered that she was married and had a crack addiction and a pill addiction. So, he took the pills from her so she wouldn't take them. Trying to save her. Then he started taking the pills once he returned home from his trip visiting her. After the pills were gone he said he didn't want to get sick, so he started using heroin because it was cheaper and more accessible than pills.
So I discovered all this last Tuesday, moved him back into to his roommates place that day! He asked me to drop him off at detox on that following Friday, which I did. The detox place released him on Sunday instead of Monday! I talked with him on the phone over the weekend and he sounded miserable. Then Monday evening his roommate texted me and asked if he was with me. So I called him that Monday evening and he sound just fine! I realized he was using again that day and he admitted to it. He said he did it because he wasn't physically strong enough to handle the with drawls.
Today is Wednesday and he sent me a text saying he's going to see a drug counselor today. I don't know what's going to happen to this man I love. All I can do is distance myself. It hurts so bad but I do not want to be an enabler. I don't want anything to do with him at this point. I am feeling so hurt and so deceived. These past few months have been nothing but a lie.
Heroin has been a huge struggle in his life the past 10 years. He went to jail, got clean in there. Then went off to 6 months inpatient and did well. He had 13 months clean until he met that woman that would be his demise.
I had hopes of building future with this man I love. We discussed building his business together...I even left my job! So that I could help him build his business, a family business, as he would say. I was delusional and in love and thought that this man was the one and now I'm stuck rebuilding what was lost. My heart is broken. I should have known better, considering his history.
It seems to be the typical love story of dating an addict...
So sorry to hear this :( I wish you luck x
I read your post and it rings very true in my life. I met someone and began dating them before I learned about their past. My boyfriend was a heroin addict of ten years. I had never known anyone who used heroin or any "hard drugs" to be honest. We met in a very open setting around friends and I had no idea the hard reality behind his life. He went through withdrawls on his own, on the floor of his bathroom 1 year ago this month. I thought initially dating him that this was a thing of the past but unforuntaely the more I take the time to learn about addiction the more I learn that you are forever an addict. I worry constantly about relapse, extended times in the bathroom, or objects that could be used to tie his arm off. It is a terrible feeling but nothing is more terrible then the feeling of not being able to trust the person I love. My heart breaks for you. It is easy to love an addict because at the root of it, they are just like you and I, people. It is very difficult though, to be in a relationship with one. I am learning there must be a point in which you decide what is right for you personally, why there may be a reason this person came into your life, it may not be with you to be together forever but rather to teach you of your own strength. I cannot tell you what to do but what I can tell you is that even when this individual is clean you will forever live with the scars of their addiction.
Hi , L&G123
thats a very well thought out assessment of life with a recovering addict, thank you
thats a very well thought out assessment of life with a recovering addict, thank you
Hey everyone,
I'm going through a similar situation with my boyfriend and like L&G said, even when I think I trust him, I really don't. Our life together will never be the same. I'm honestly giving one last chance and it is up to him to either make it worth our while or put an end to all this.
Good luck on everything and be strong.
I'm going through a similar situation with my boyfriend and like L&G said, even when I think I trust him, I really don't. Our life together will never be the same. I'm honestly giving one last chance and it is up to him to either make it worth our while or put an end to all this.
Good luck on everything and be strong.
I can totally relTe to this my Boyf has been lying that he's not been using and I just found out yesterday it was all a lie again, I'm heart broken n don't know wot to do with him he's on meth 25 mil aday and using a ten bag a day how can I get him off it ?? My head is battered he's a lovely person he's been to rehab done 12 steps was clean18 months then due to traumatic time relapsed,
New2this I wish I could talk with you I'm lost in this relationship with my husband I love him so much but don't know what rout to take he says every day I'm going to the clinic to detox but I don't believe him anymore he lies took money from my little wallet I won't lie he is a wonderful person and man I just can't keep letting him hurt h self also if I leave what is to become of him if he gets hurt I will feel to blame also my daughter is not his bit she lost her dad to cancer and she fell in love with this man and calls him dad I'm so lost I need help to figure out what to do.
Yeah having a relationship with an addict is difficult. Until you have one you'd never thought it could be so painful. The trust is the biggest issue with me. I hope and try always forgetting what I'm dealing with. I'm lost too. Mother of my daughter could be so incredible. But the addict will always be in her keeping me wondering. I will support her somehow.
First I just want to say I'm sorry for what you are going through. I see this was from months ago so not sure you're still dealing with it but either way I'm sorry you're going through it. Being with an addict is without a doubt the hardest, most painful thing I've ever done. I started dating this guy who I knew had a past with drugs. I was very uneducated about drugs, as I never even thought of touching them (I guess I was educated enough to know to stay away haha) but I honestly did not know addiction/alcoholism stays with you for the rest of your life and it's a lifelong battle. I was so naive that I thought if you're away from drugs long enough, you're fine! Never knew what it does to the brain and that its permanent! (Felt really dumb for not knowing) anyway .. My ex was the sweetest guy I ever dated and he treated me like a princess. He would give you the shirt off of his back. When we started dating he was clean and was in the program and had an awesome support system as this is something he's been dealing with for years. I ended up getting pregnant and he relapsed during my pregnancy. Throughout that whole ordeal I learned what addiction truly is and what it does and let me tell you, I was an absolute wreck. Fast forward to now, my son is 7 months old and after a few more relapses I finally had enough about a month ago. He's been doing good ever since and he's a wonderful father but I could not take anymore pain and the living in fear. I honestly don't know how anyone gets past that. I'm not trying to say addicts or alcoholics don't deserve love but damn is it hard to watch someone you love destroy themselves. I'm going to start going to alanon because although we are no longer together, my life was turned upside down because of his addiction and I have a lot of work to do on myself. Be glad you don't have any real ties to him such as marriage or kids. Makes it a little easier to walk away (although it's still very hard I know) but for me, I still love this man and have to see him more often than I would like because we have a child so at times its torture. Sorry for the long post but it felt good writing this all out because it's been building inside of me. I wouldn't wish the pain on anyone. If anyone ever needs to talk, I'm here! Reach out! Good luck to all who are fighting this devil !!
I'm am glad that people responded. I just want to get you all caught up on the past 5 months. It's been rough! I decided to stay and support him through things He started taking suboxone in September, and just 2 weeks ago he tapered off of it. He's says that the withdrawls from suboxone are worse than heroine. It's been a tough 2 weeks, he's been using Kratom and some other herbs to help with the withdrawls.
Needless to say I kicked him outta our place today because I discovered that he had sex with a 14 year girl a year and a half ago. I'm sickened by this news. My heart is pure broken...
I also suffered a miscarriage last month...The creator works in strange ways. I am not tied to that fool...thank goodness. At first I was devastated but knowing all I know now, it was a freaking miracle!
I guess what I've learned is that addicts are reckless in their behavior and exercise poor judgement.
Needless to say I kicked him outta our place today because I discovered that he had sex with a 14 year girl a year and a half ago. I'm sickened by this news. My heart is pure broken...
I also suffered a miscarriage last month...The creator works in strange ways. I am not tied to that fool...thank goodness. At first I was devastated but knowing all I know now, it was a freaking miracle!
I guess what I've learned is that addicts are reckless in their behavior and exercise poor judgement.
your story struck me personally, keep your head up, I also had a pregnancy but ended as a miscarriage while my bf (well ex now) were together for 6 years. He was never there for me making decisions or during my recovering at that time, now that I think back, it was a BLESSING in disguise. Imagine the pain and more suffering you would have to put yourself through, debating on whether to stay to not for your child if you had 1.. it's so hard and believe me I'm dealing with such hard ache and the feeling of not seeing the loved one.
I feel like it is more rough for us than them, they are trapped in their own state of mind and unfortunately it is their decision whether to let the drug take their life or get clean. No matter how much love or support we give them..im praying for you and keep us updated! I've posted on this site for the past 4 days ever since I broke up and left my bf (meth user) and it completely has changed my life..the support is wonderful and uplifting. Take it easy love.
xoxo
I feel like it is more rough for us than them, they are trapped in their own state of mind and unfortunately it is their decision whether to let the drug take their life or get clean. No matter how much love or support we give them..im praying for you and keep us updated! I've posted on this site for the past 4 days ever since I broke up and left my bf (meth user) and it completely has changed my life..the support is wonderful and uplifting. Take it easy love.
xoxo
Dear New2this, I am sorry for all you are going through,the roller coaster life of loving an addict.The first thing that kept coming across In your post is you seem to misplace the action of his addiction if he hadn't met that woman......No one is responsible for the addicts actions except the addict himself . HE is where the problem is from the using to the lying to his manipulation. ...Until he is where the focus is placed there is a circle which will constantly be revolving.....Herion is one of the most addictive substances not that any of them are good....but once it enters your system it alters the brain it no longer is by choice ....it demands you to use it progressing from choice to addiction. ...A three day stint in a rehab isn't even going to come close to addressing the issue....once again you were upset they didn't hold him till Monday.....I spent over 10 years doing anything and everything to help my son..I always felt he gave me an invisible enemy to fight cause I was helpless in his battle....When he would be with me I saw how much he loved me....his eyes spoke volumes ...He didn't want to hurt me....I know the man he was he didn't want to do the things he did and he wouldve stopped if he knew where it would've lead to....Addicts cannot get better by what we do.......They have to admit they have a diease and fight to address it and get treatment...You in the meantime have to take care of yourself and not enable...You must not spiral downward with him......wish him luck tell him he is worth saving but first he must save himself....This is a horrible road....sadly my son lost his battle....I at times would be angry with him and his choices but I always told him I love him.....There is a difference in loving and loving someone to death by enabling....Realize the difference and don't let his lies manipulate you....Retain power over your life as you have none over his...
I've probably read this message board a couple of times over the last year and now that I have left my addict boyfriend I want to contribute. I wrote a long post on my blog about my experience, I prefer to keep it posted there. I'm not here to spam, I don't care if you follow my blog or not, this is the only post on there that pertains to this subject matter, the rest of my blog is completely unrelated. My Boyfriend is A Heroin Addict
I still want to share here some advice on this forum because i've been where you're at, i'm still were your at. You have to leave and it will be one of the hardest things you'll ever do, you'll cry, go back and forth, but know you are not responsible for anything that happens to them. This is their life, this is how they choose to spend their time here on Earth, how do you want to spend yours? Today I choose not to live in the limbo emotional hell. I'm not completely healed and I'm not sure that I'll ever be but i've accepted that.
I still want to share here some advice on this forum because i've been where you're at, i'm still were your at. You have to leave and it will be one of the hardest things you'll ever do, you'll cry, go back and forth, but know you are not responsible for anything that happens to them. This is their life, this is how they choose to spend their time here on Earth, how do you want to spend yours? Today I choose not to live in the limbo emotional hell. I'm not completely healed and I'm not sure that I'll ever be but i've accepted that.
New2this, everyone here is right. You sound really smart, sweet hearted and strong. So. Leave him where you found him and just worry about you a d your daughter. You'll be fine. I would love to hear from you now and what it is that your up to. Hugs to you. Good luck.
Thank you everyone who has taken the time to respond. I really appreciate all the kind words and other's stories.
It's been a while now since I broke it off with my ex who is a heroin addict. Eight months to be exact. My life is back to normal. No stress, no worrying, or wondering. Things are nice, simple, uncomplicated, happy, and healthy life. This is a true blessing!
I must admit it was extremely difficult and painful the first few months. I went back in forth in my mind. I loved him and missed him. But then I I try to be logical about it all. I would ask myself if I felt safe having that man in my life and around my daughter, her friends, my young relatives. The answer is "no". The drug addiction was awful enough, but top that off with a sex offense that he was never charged with....Run like hell was my gut instinct and was the advice I had been given. As hard as it was, I HAD to free myself. Free myself from a situation that was dangerous. If I could do it, then anyone can. If you are where I was, I say cut it short, move on, don't waste your precious time on that unhealthy situation. Just GO, the sooner the better! A better life is out there waiting for you. TRUST ME xoxo
Ultimately what really helped me was going to a NA-ANON meetinng. I walked in to a room full of elders. In shock, I sat down. At first, I thought that they must have an elderly spouse hooked on pain medication. Then they started speaking and sharing their stories. Boy was I ever wrong, these were PARENTS of adult addicts. The decades of dealing with their loved ones, who just couldn't help themselves anymore. They were tired, exhausted from their loved ones behavior. You could just feel the pain, sorrow, guily...like thick smoke lingering on us. This was their child they were talking about. They didn't have a choice. They had to stay. In that one evening, they taught me I was in a phase at the moment called, "detachment". And I also realized that "I" had a choice. Armed with that knowledge, I set off and did what I thought was the impossible. I left my love. And I survived.
It's been a while now since I broke it off with my ex who is a heroin addict. Eight months to be exact. My life is back to normal. No stress, no worrying, or wondering. Things are nice, simple, uncomplicated, happy, and healthy life. This is a true blessing!
I must admit it was extremely difficult and painful the first few months. I went back in forth in my mind. I loved him and missed him. But then I I try to be logical about it all. I would ask myself if I felt safe having that man in my life and around my daughter, her friends, my young relatives. The answer is "no". The drug addiction was awful enough, but top that off with a sex offense that he was never charged with....Run like hell was my gut instinct and was the advice I had been given. As hard as it was, I HAD to free myself. Free myself from a situation that was dangerous. If I could do it, then anyone can. If you are where I was, I say cut it short, move on, don't waste your precious time on that unhealthy situation. Just GO, the sooner the better! A better life is out there waiting for you. TRUST ME xoxo
Ultimately what really helped me was going to a NA-ANON meetinng. I walked in to a room full of elders. In shock, I sat down. At first, I thought that they must have an elderly spouse hooked on pain medication. Then they started speaking and sharing their stories. Boy was I ever wrong, these were PARENTS of adult addicts. The decades of dealing with their loved ones, who just couldn't help themselves anymore. They were tired, exhausted from their loved ones behavior. You could just feel the pain, sorrow, guily...like thick smoke lingering on us. This was their child they were talking about. They didn't have a choice. They had to stay. In that one evening, they taught me I was in a phase at the moment called, "detachment". And I also realized that "I" had a choice. Armed with that knowledge, I set off and did what I thought was the impossible. I left my love. And I survived.
Omg. I am so proud of you girlfriend.! I'm extremely happy at this moment. See, I told you -you were smart. Good job and great thinking. You know, if you would of stayed, he would of soon been stealing from your daughter's piggy bank and then u would have her crying in ur arms. You don't need that,your too good for that B S. You know you might not be able to tell right now but your a big and true inspiration to other young ladies that are in your shoes. You should really voice and share your story for motivation and will power to all the other girls that need a lil advice , support and help. I bet your help can go a long way. !!!! I don't know you but I'm very proud and happy for you. Keep up the good work and great thinking , especially with putting your family and yourself first. God bless you sweety. And good luck.!
Thank for your original post and all the replies. I left my addict boyfriend after a few months of back-and-forth, after I found out in August of 2016 that he relapsed "on some pills", then later found out he'd been shooting daily for at least a month, maybe two, then found out later that he was using to some degree the whole time I'd known him--7 months. There was so much lying, it's unbelievable. He told me literally what someone else wrote: "I lied because I care about you and didn't want to lose you. I thought I could get clean on my own."
I had to walk away and yes, it's been incredible to see my life immediately shift back into one of calm and stability. No more dealing with him being three, four hours late to meet me when I thought he was only 10 minutes away, being broke, me buying him food, crazy stories, his friends "stole" his music equipment, etc. etc. I didn't realize it at the time but I'd started clenching my teeth at night because being with him gave me so much anxiety. Now after three+ months away from him I wake up in the morning and my teeth aren't clenched.
Hate to admit it but I check his social media page, and can see who his "new friends" are. Women. Alternative-looking new women. I know he is gonna move on quick and I hate it. I am sort of hooking up with someone else but know I am healing, so I keep him at arms length and don't let him get too close.
One thing one of my ex's friends said to me that is still a thorn in my paw--and this is a person who acted like he gave a s*** about me and went with me to my first Nar-Anon meeting, after doing NOTHING to help me get my guy into rehab, btw--"Did it kind of intrigue you that he had been an addict? Like that his lifestyle was edgy or something?"
My answer, honestly? KIND OF, SURE?? But not more than the fact that another ex was an immigrant, or that another was the child of an alcoholic. The things that are formative for us, that are different, and sure--are challenging, are interesting to me. Did I sort of like that I had scored a really sweet guy who happened to have been like a "bad boy" in the past (supposedly in the past)? Sure. Was I really interested in hearing his stories about when he was a junkie, and what that was like? YES. But I need to release it here that that has nothing to do with why I fell in love with him. And I did fall in love with him. It wasn't because of his addiction. Far from it. Even though it was interesting to me to hear about I was scared of his addiction even when I thought it was in his past, but I loved him for his beautiful childlike spirit and his kindness and playfulness and curiosity and good looks and sweetness and the thoughtful questions he asked and the way he touched me and how gentle he was and how he cared to learn about me and see my artwork and how he paid attention and the beautiful music he wrote and made, and how earnest he was in trying to be a good person. I thought he'd had a rough time in the past and that he was working to turn his life around--he said all he wanted to do was work a calm, stable job and hang out with me and make music with his one friend who has a recording studio who is a good influence and doesn't use (unlike this friend I talked to, a former bandmate who also used and was a bad influence on my ex). That's what he wanted and I knew he could do it and I wanted to help him get there. We aspired to have enough money to rent a little studio or one-bedroom near some woods, where we could have a couch and a fireplace and stay inside reading together at night, and just have a happy peaceful life.
The friend of my ex said to me, "He's a real person. He's not some STORY, some anecdote to tell at a dinner party someday." He thought because I broke up with my addict I don't care about him and I just bailed as soon as the waters got choppy. He's wrong though. I realized I'd been lied to and deceived and that my ex was incapable of caring about me, because he was caught in an addiction and it makes you f*cking selfish. I want to share with you all that I was not dating him to turn him into a story. I loved him and I wanted him to be the last person I loved.
I had to walk away and yes, it's been incredible to see my life immediately shift back into one of calm and stability. No more dealing with him being three, four hours late to meet me when I thought he was only 10 minutes away, being broke, me buying him food, crazy stories, his friends "stole" his music equipment, etc. etc. I didn't realize it at the time but I'd started clenching my teeth at night because being with him gave me so much anxiety. Now after three+ months away from him I wake up in the morning and my teeth aren't clenched.
Hate to admit it but I check his social media page, and can see who his "new friends" are. Women. Alternative-looking new women. I know he is gonna move on quick and I hate it. I am sort of hooking up with someone else but know I am healing, so I keep him at arms length and don't let him get too close.
One thing one of my ex's friends said to me that is still a thorn in my paw--and this is a person who acted like he gave a s*** about me and went with me to my first Nar-Anon meeting, after doing NOTHING to help me get my guy into rehab, btw--"Did it kind of intrigue you that he had been an addict? Like that his lifestyle was edgy or something?"
My answer, honestly? KIND OF, SURE?? But not more than the fact that another ex was an immigrant, or that another was the child of an alcoholic. The things that are formative for us, that are different, and sure--are challenging, are interesting to me. Did I sort of like that I had scored a really sweet guy who happened to have been like a "bad boy" in the past (supposedly in the past)? Sure. Was I really interested in hearing his stories about when he was a junkie, and what that was like? YES. But I need to release it here that that has nothing to do with why I fell in love with him. And I did fall in love with him. It wasn't because of his addiction. Far from it. Even though it was interesting to me to hear about I was scared of his addiction even when I thought it was in his past, but I loved him for his beautiful childlike spirit and his kindness and playfulness and curiosity and good looks and sweetness and the thoughtful questions he asked and the way he touched me and how gentle he was and how he cared to learn about me and see my artwork and how he paid attention and the beautiful music he wrote and made, and how earnest he was in trying to be a good person. I thought he'd had a rough time in the past and that he was working to turn his life around--he said all he wanted to do was work a calm, stable job and hang out with me and make music with his one friend who has a recording studio who is a good influence and doesn't use (unlike this friend I talked to, a former bandmate who also used and was a bad influence on my ex). That's what he wanted and I knew he could do it and I wanted to help him get there. We aspired to have enough money to rent a little studio or one-bedroom near some woods, where we could have a couch and a fireplace and stay inside reading together at night, and just have a happy peaceful life.
The friend of my ex said to me, "He's a real person. He's not some STORY, some anecdote to tell at a dinner party someday." He thought because I broke up with my addict I don't care about him and I just bailed as soon as the waters got choppy. He's wrong though. I realized I'd been lied to and deceived and that my ex was incapable of caring about me, because he was caught in an addiction and it makes you f*cking selfish. I want to share with you all that I was not dating him to turn him into a story. I loved him and I wanted him to be the last person I loved.
We know, we know you truly loved him for him. Not because he was a good conversation piece. Good luck to you. Check in with us from time to time.
I'm so happy that you took care of yourself. I pray one day he turns things around.
Good luck and take care.
Keep in touch.
Paula
Good luck and take care.
Keep in touch.
Paula
I too fell in love with a heroin addict. Reading all of these post makes me feel the only sensible thing to do is walk. I've heard all of the lies been minipulated in every way stayed with him in the hospital because of massive seizures due to withdraw taken him to remote places to help him detox financially supported him went to numerous court appearances bla bla bla. Only for him to look me in the eyes and lie about his use again. Yes he too is very passive and sweet natured must be a common attribute of heroin addicts or just a common form of menipulation. He is completely self absorbed with how he feels from minute to minute witch changes on a dime so I never know. I get absolutely nothing out of the relationship accept a constant feeling of fear that he will kill himself I can't even go to work so I can pay all of the bills myself without worrying he will OD. I am completely aware of the fact that when he leaves this time it quite possibly will be the last time I will see him. Addiction is a selfish disease it leaves room for no love. I've come to the realization that I can't share my life with someone who doesn't want to live.
