My Boyfriend Just Dumped Me.

Matt - wow - are you serious? I live right by Pasadena. Do you think they'd really be cool with me drinking wine? It'd be so nice to have physical blocks, humans, to buffer me from contacting my dealer next month.
Listen, I just got a HUGE panick attack from thinking about going to a meeting, but if you have some information about a non-inquisitive meeting I could attend, or a female veteran that wouldn't be scary and pushy, I'd appreciate any info to research. please e-mail me: westwind324@yahoo.com.
I'm scared to death of meetings, I'm always afraid that they're not really "anonyous", know what I mean? Do you feel like they are? Can I go in secret? I'd like to make friends with non-addicts, all my friends use at least one thing or another. Plus I'm so crushed over my break-up, which hasn't even settled in yet, it's only been 6 hours since. Now I feel like I'm going through "boyfriend" withdrawls. I feel pathetic.
Thanks for reading.
Westwind,
The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that you were unfortunately misserved by the person at the hotline. I keep coming back to the notes I have from the first conversation I had with a PA member - "the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop abusing perscription medication" I would propose that just the same way that some people can take vicodin without getting high and only as directed by their doctor and not have it be something they abuse, that's how you are with wine. While most non-addicts don't understand how you can swallow 5 pills and want more and more, it's entirely possible that some addicts don't understand that you can have a drink of wine and not want another, nor have that be a trigger to wanting pills. Please don't let that one conversation discourage you from continuing to live pill-free. Talk to more people. Go to a meeting - besides pillsanonymous.com, check http://www.todayna.org (Greater LA). As others mentioned - you're a great writer. But there are many great writers who have been suffering drunks or addicts... the world needs more great writers who are RECOVERING addicts. Hope and pride in accomplishment makes for a much better read than resignation.
sweet westwind, im proud of you.you are going to make it,i will do all in power to help you, i was early in recovery,when my heart hurt like it had been ripped out. i am a lover,i have a big heart,care about everyone,would give the shirt off my back to a stranger,i often wish at times i could be less loving as a means of protection,but that would be me not being true to who i am.as i continue recovery,7 weeks,im trying to really figure out the true me and what i really want in life for me and my daughter.maybe we are two in the same boat.i want to ensure my daughters happiness and positive development,but i also want happiness for myself.know what i mean?

would you like email?so we can chat whenever.

i know you are hurting,hopes of future and promises of life together.but everything happens for a reason.you made a choice to become clean,you have put much work and dedication into the days you have under your belt.you should be proud,i am.dont let someone who cant see the light and importance of your recovery,dim your lights and weaken your battery.you are a mother,as i am, the one pure love in mylife,and greatest accomplishment is my daughter,that love drives me to be a better mother,a person, a role model for her to look up to.

my life has turned upside down since i have been clean,but i will not surrender to it,i may cry,i may feel sad, i may get low,but afterwards, i find strength and fight my way back,as much fighting my way back i have done in last 7 weeks,i feel like i am a hell of a soldier!!!!!
be strong,im here for you.prayers and hugs coming your way.......kimber:)
Thanks for the replies, they really do help right now.

Matt, I visited that site, I think I've found a good oppourtunity to attend a meeting, but I'm so terrified. I've never considered going to one before, and I'm still worried about the anonominity of it all. If I can't see a way clear to opening up to my closest friends and family members I may find myself compulsivly staying away from meetings so that I don't get attached to the people there... know what I mean?

Kimber congrats on 7 weeks, that's pretty amazing. Sounds like a dream. Yes, my heart does ache right now, and I'm really confused. I'm just so confused. I don't know what to think, everything is so fresh and "right now" that I feel like I can't see past 5 minutes in front of my face.
I'm scared about how much Nyquil and Tylenol PM I took. I've had 5 Tylenols and 2xdoses of the liquid. I don't feel anything but heartach. It's funny how I never worried about how many Vic's I took, but now when I'm sober I'm obsessing about asprin. I don't know what I'm going to do while he's in Vegas for the weekend.
ok. will you promise me that you will not take anymore doses of tylenol or nyquil, at least for 6 hours. no matter the pain you are feeling right now, it is not worth hurting yourself.you are special,you are loved.you are a MOTHER, your children need you. you are starting your recovery,and doing so good,please,i know it is not easy, but you can and will make it.i truly believe that you are not given more in life than you can handle, it is the way we handle our struggles and pain, that make them overwhelming feeling at times.
i myself, need to learn better ways to deal with stress and problems,i wish i was close to you,to be there for you,to be a shoulder to cry on, a hug if needed,but im with you in spirit.

my email is cnickell@earthlink.net. email me whenever and as often as you would like. i can even get your phone number when you email,and i will call you so there is a caring voice to hear.

are you okay?im very worried for you.no man is worth putting your health in jeopardy and future, look at this, it is better to happen now,and discover his controling,manipultive ways.on the family partner board,a member by the name cynicalone has a thread labeled signs of an emotional manipulator.go read it, and see if you can relate to it in regard to him.

im up,i want to hear back from you.i pray that angels look over you and protect you tonight. :)kimber
Kimber, you're a doll. :)

I don't need anymore Nyquil tonight. I'm feeling like I've acomplished something just getting through the eight hours between when my bf dumped me and falling asleep. I'm not going to worry about tomorrow, I'm going to try and not torture myself. You know how you kind of get "out of body" when you're going through withdrawls?

I'm serious, does anyone out there feel me? You get this dark, sort of distant feeling, like everything is grey and you don't feel like speaking even, and when someone asks you a question you just look down and shake your head and in your mind you're thinking "my God, [insert desperate thought here]?

The only thing working for me now is the fact that I HAVE to stay clean now, to follow through with my journey, to show what life can be for a recovering addict. I'm done with pills, I can't even remember what it feels like to be vicked out.

Thanks for the hug, Kimber. I'm praying for rest.
WestWind,

It's good to know that you dont have a problem with alcohol. So your career is not in jeopardy.

Im sorry that you felt shamed by the woman at PA. Until you feel ready to go to a meeting, you can speak your truths here. No one will judge you for having a disease that we all share. Have you considered individual therapy? It helps to have someone to talk to. A good therapist can be a tremendous support and help you develop techniques for living without your d.o.c.

Without this site, I would be screwed, too. Not only because folks help me when I have anxiety and obsessions but because they show me that in recovery, life can be better than it was before my drug use ever started.

The grey feeling during withdrawal is something I have experienced and it sucks. Truly, you wont always feel that way. Browse through the old posts, you'll see that youre not alone. Other people have felt as you do now and have climbed out. Its hard but it can be done. Have hope.

Be kind to yourself. Youre doing well.

Gina

soo glad to hear your ok. girl,u scared me... im proud of you truly, i am.

im glad you are going to continue your path of recovery. pills do not control my thoughts no longer.i wake with a smile, i am grateful for another day of life. i made the choice to live, that is what i am doing now.i come across speedbumps,potholes, detours. i slow down,as if i was driving, i use caution,
move forward.

when i was going thru withdraws, i truly felt like unhuman in ways.i think if a person who has a mental illness and then withdraws, it worsens the exisiting mental illness. i battle depression and anxiety, my mother is manic depressive, eating disorder as well, and attempted sucide when i was a teenager. i got very low, and had some horrible thoughts while i was withdrawing, but i kept fighting for the life i once knew and loved. i couldnt think, i was in fear, panicked, shaky,heart pounding,it was the hardest battle i have faced,i made it and continue to walk forward,and you will too,

you will be happier, your children will be as well. hang in there.it gets worse before it gets better.your a tough cookie, i can tell.find your strenght, give yourself pep talks, stay focused, i wish you peace and rest.talk soon,you are loved, you matter, you are here for a reason, be kind to yourself..kimber:)
i want to apologize if i said anything that may offend any member here. i look back and see a couple potty mouth words,my intentions were only to help westwind during a difficult time. i am no expert, i only can offer my opinions and experiences that may relate and be supporitive with an open heart and listening ears.

i wish all a wonderful holiday weekend, may it bring you joy and much needed relaxation....kimber:)
westwind,

anyone that truly loves you would be supportive to you at this difficult time. he's not worth it. keep your chin up! you are doing great. satan will try to use your every weakness to bring you down. your significant other is just one of his ploys because he knows you are fragile at this time. resist those pills. you are not a failure. this relationship didn't end because of deision to quit using drugs. i hope and pray everything works out for you. you are in my prayers.



philipians 4:13
i can do all things through christ who strengthens me.


god bless you
cindy
a couple of thoughts here west...

sir isaac newton coined the second law of motion...goes something like this:

with every change it is met with a counterchange.

i think this scientific principle is of consideration, especially where relationships/addiction recovery are concerned. we start to clean up and it forces those close to us to take a look at their lives and the role they played when we were addicted. sometimes they don't even realize this and hurl at us some very negative words and behavior. we embrace recovery, which is a positive change and we are met with insults and sabotaging behavior that is a negative couterchange. positive/change...negative/counterchange.

think about it...we all are doing the best we can with what we have at this time. this is why we need all the help and support we can get when we embrace recovery. who said change is simple?

your comments about the PA person interested me greatly. the only requirement for membership in PA is a desire to stop using prescription drugs. i would appreciate you emailing me with the "home office" that you contacted. to my knowledge there is no home office, as PA is not even an organization like AA or NA. i would like to know who you talked with that was acting as a spokesperson for PA. i'll repeat - the only requirement for membership at any PA meeting is a desire to stop using prescription drugs. once you get there, if you find alcohol is an issue you want to address, then by all means do so. many PA members embrace the same thinking that our brothers and sisters of NA believe - a drug is a drug is a drug and to be in recovery one must abstain from all mood altering substances. yet the third tradition clearly states that the only requirement for membership in PA is a desire to stop using prescription drugs. as for anonymity, the 12th tradition of PA states the following:

anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

anonymity in PA, as in any 12 step meeting, is up there with sacredness. whatever is said within the rooms, stays in the rooms. you will be with fellow addicts who are looking for a solution from their drug addiction. everyone is of equal footing, so please don't let issues of anonymity hinder you from going.

i'm curious about something you said:

I don't need anymore Nyquil tonight.

what is it behind the using of nyquil that motivated you to do so? were you looking at the nyquil to help numb the feelings of the things your b/f said to you?

hugs and much encouragement to you -

sammy

dsam2u@comcast.net


I thought of a non destructive way to reward yourself in small increments.

Take the number of pills you were on and divide the day by that number. (Ex: if you were on 12 that you give you 2 hours.) Every 2 hours you give yourself a tally that equals the value of that pill. You will probably need to break it down to smaller pieces, so figure out how long it takes to earn a dollar by quiting. That is your goal until the pain subsides. Then you can do it by dose or even by day. Find some superfulious item that you always wanted, but couldn't justify. I'd start small - you need a high frequency of reinforcement at this phase. Start earning by quiting.

I work with kids who need at least this amount of reinforcement. While they can't see (some can) the immaterial benifits early in the process; they need material reward. As time goes by they learn the benifits of healthy choices.

In the last 2 weeks since I have quit I have earned over $400.

Hopefully this will objectify the process and set obtainable goals.

Any thoughts or adendums?
Hey sweetheart, sounds like you got hit hard. I am sorry about the breakup, I really am, I know how hard that is. Believe me..my fiancee and I split up 3 weeks ago. I am working on my recovery and he was still using the oxy's, basically he had to go so I could go on. I don't know how old you are, but you sound young. Right now, and in the next few days you are gonna go through a wide range of emotions. Last night, it was devastation where it felt like the end of the world, and what's the use..today you might be thinking of a way to get back together, and so on. Please believe me when I say, keep on going without him. You are a strong, young, vibrant girl. He is a guy, that you may think you wanna marry someday, but you really don't. Look at the kind of man he is right now ok, really look..You are at the lowest point in your life right now, withdrawaling from pills, and you did one hell of a job, he leaves you when you need him most. He should be there holding your hand, telling you how proud of you he is, taking you places to celebrate your clean time, pushing you to keep working your recovery, just being there for you. He left. I think God is trying to say, he ain't the one chicky. You were asking last night why did he leave when you needed him most, it is because he's not the one for you, if he were, he'd be there for you. Please don't get angry with me, I just see that he's not a good guy, for you or anyone. I hope you continue to work your recovery..Look back at how many people talked to you in the middle of the night, when you needed someone. When you aren't looking for a guy, that is when HE will come along, and you'll know it. The man you want and need, will make you feel good, and make you wanna hold your head high! I wish you luck, and way to go on your 11th day! That deserves a pat on the back!!!! You'll come out of this much stronger, your a survivor, keep going...Hugs to ya, Kim

ps, sorry it is so long
Hi Hun your boyfriend has just shown you his true colors stay sober and the man your truly supposed to spend your life with will show up all in good time when you are at peace with yourself and i dont think its fair that they wont let you go to a meeting because your lifes work is in a vinyard.just because your addicted to pills doesnt mean you have a problem with alcohol. I wouldnt want to go to a meeting where there so jugemental.I hate alcohol but im a pill addict thier not being fair find a na meeting if you can stick to your guns your boyfriends probably threatened by your trying to better yourself you dont need that if he truly loved you he would understand and give you the time you need move on better things are on the way Love Tracey
Westwind, congrats on keeping it together during this crisis period, most people wouldn't. One thing I wanted to say, and please don't be mad, is, if this guy loves you, he would be by your side helping you through this process. But, he's out smoking pot and thinking of himself. I know, I've been there. You love someone so much, but you have to ask yourself, is this the guy for me. Someone who is not ready to give the stuff up too. I know it hurts right now, but I think alot of the hurt is coming from the W/D's and getting through that. I just feel that if your that important to him, he would be there getting clean, just like you. I don't mean to sound crass but I just am thinking about you right now and you need to be thinking about you and your recovery. Just think what a great life it will be when your off and feeling great and realizing you don't need someone like that. You're better than he is, just remember that. Keep strong and hang on like you've never hung on before.
right on kansas girl one door closes a better one opens just give it time
Why would you want to use drugs again. To get ADDICTED again??? Then you would have to go through everything all over again?? All the suffering??? AND for what?? a ex-boyfriend whos also a drug addict. Seems like a pretty pathetic excuse to me.

You said you were so happy about being 10 days clean and now the next post you want to use drugs again, just because of your druggie boyfriend whos not caring for you when you need him and he's going to Vegas when he should be with you... You don't want a guy like that anyways. That also seems like a poor excuse to use drugs AGAIN.

Even if you use drugs again it only numbs your mind for a few hrs and then you come back to reality all over again, and when you do use again you'll feel 10 times worse because on top of everything else you used DRUGS AGAIN!
West, How are you feeling today. I see that you haven't posted in almost 8 hours . . . Are you sleeping? I just wanted to see how you are feeling today? I just got to work this morning and read your story along with everyone's encouraging words. You have everyone here pulling for you! Let us know how your feeling today. Keep Strong Girl!
Hey all, I have to say reading your thoughts was incredibly helpful. I just got out of bed and this is the most positive thing I could do first thing in the morning.

I really do feel like I'm being tested. I got burned. It's not fair, it's not right, but I'm here in it and I'll have to grab my straps and go on. There's no way around it.
I love that I got a bible quote AND a science quote right next to each other! :) Both very helpful, thanks. It helps when things come out of history and make sense of your situation, gives you a feeling of control. I still have some control. It truly does feel like I'm getting nothing but resistance for attempting this change in my life, and that's ridiculous!

Sam, here's the thing. My local clinic where I get "councelling" has an NA hotline. It's a, what's that word?, place whre they don't make any money. I called that, not a true narcotics annonymous recovery joint. I know I know I know, don't say it. YOU know how it feels when you get even the slightest bit of bad news and you want to just throw your hands up and make an excuse out of it. But I got a better resource now. This church in Pasadena, near where I live, hosts NA meetings open to "anyone" and they're, like, everyday. I have anxiety about it, but I may go to one as early as tonight.
I took Nyquil because I was terribly awake and miserable. It was a pathetic attempt to get sleep, that's all. On a horrendously childish note; now I have green poop! Awright! (sorry, I couldn't resist)

Hey fisherman, that's a FABULOUS idea. Know what, with all the money I'm saving from pills, I could have a "ladies lunch", which, in Los Angeles, means spa day. I'm a thirty minute drive away from having some dude wearing lip gloss massaging my scalp and tinting my eyebrows pink. Material Fabulous, I say.
It's nice to hear people talk about my breakup. It hurts really bad. I'm still really shocked and confused. It's cool when someone agknowledges your pain, and can relate to being dumped. God IS trying to tell me something. How can I ever believe that I could rely on him in 5 years from now if I can't rely on him when I need him most. I should've taken it as a warning sign from day 4, but I wasn't thinking clearly. I know God is opening a new door for me, but the path is dark to my eyes and that, as you know, is frustrating.

Anyway I really can't think about him right now. If he get's to be selfish, I get to be selfish. Today is day 11! And the physicall withdrawls are pretty much gone. *whoop whoop* That right there is freeing enough to at least look at my options. So here's my plan: I'm going to turn off my phone incase "Mr. Wonderful" calls, and every few hours I'll check my messages so that I don't miss out on anything. All my other friends are sane and will leave normal people messages, he'll probably just hang up, and my phone doesn't show missed calls while it's been off so I won't even have to think about him. That's what I want. That, and sobriety.

Your comments really meant a lot, it was a joy reading them. I feel so much better and stronger. You're good people.
i am coming up on 90 days clean and i had a horrible experience with my ex also. he is not clean and to my knowledge has only been clean when locked up. my sponser shared with me that addicts have terminal uniqueness and that i needed to get over myself. i was thinking how harsh that sounded. living in a small town i worried a bit about the annonimity of the meetings, however i really dont care who knows anymore. there is no shame in being clean, we are not responsible for addiction however we are responsible for our recovery. there is no easier softer way to get clean other than not to pick up one day at a time. i have lived in la before and there are all sorts of celebrities, models, and writers in recovery and there is no secret about it. if and when you go into recovery you will know for yourself whether drinking wine is for you. only you can make that decision. as far as my ex goes that was difficult for me to handle, however the only way i could get any peace was no contact whatsoever, me being in recovery and dealing with him high or drunk just didnt work. my eyes are focused on my recovery and my life now. i am getting past how it could have been and what it really is. people wont recoil in shock when they find out you are in recovery, you will be amazed at the support you will receive. the only time i have seen disapproval of recovery is when a person is still using and they are forced to look at their own life. my ex would say oh i am going to a meeting and then be totally high in the next hour. at this point i can not even entertain the thought of being with someone who is getting high or drunk, my recovery is more important today.

my thoughts are with you and take care


carol