I no longer run from my feelings in any way. Life throws challenges. I feel the pain. I feel the fear. I feal the anxiety. I feel the sadness. I feel the anger. With the help I have been granted over the past year or so here and at AA and Al-anon and The Samaritans and through the love of friends and family, so far I survive.
And the door to my heart stays open....and through it flows a love and a joy so deep and overwhelming.....I feel God's love for me. I wish I could express it, describe it....I try to describe it here and to others because for me this is what sharing is....this is experience....this is strength....this is hope....a real Experience found through the Strength I have been granted to face my feelings and strive for honesty and the courage to change by surrendering the will in my head AND my heart....and I hope that it offers others Hope.
So long as that door is open I find fear no Evil, for through it flows God's love and all is well. And it opens whenever I remember who I am....I am not God, I am not worthless or evil or broken. I am one of His chlidren, and He loves me exactly as I am, just as He loves you.
And He is so pleased to see us happy.
Thank you for all your help.
Take care,
Martin
Good for you Martin :).I am happy for you I truly am. You know I have to say something and this is gonna seem terrible and I expect to get a lot of flak for it but it's my truth.I don't mean to offend you please believe me. Sometimes when I read your posts it makes me feel like I am a lost cause because it seems you have found something that I have been unable to find. You seem so happy and like "you've got it" that it makes me envious and then I think what the hell is wrong with me then? why am I unable to "get there". I don't feel this love that you talk about. I don't feel the happiness nor the serenity. Sometimes it makes me want to scream when you write about jumping up and down for joy and crying tears of joy. I don't feel it. I feel dead and not comfortable in my own skin most of the time. Please don't take this the wrong way I am happy for you and God knows I wish I could be like it. I think I belong to page 58 in the BB. No matter how hard I try,no matter what I do,or what method I choose I just don't "get it" . I have stopped drinking and the days are few and far between now where I do want to drink but that's where it ends for me. My ESH. God bless and have a great day.
p.s. I don't mean to rain on your parade..just wish I was part of it that's all.
p.s. I don't mean to rain on your parade..just wish I was part of it that's all.
Martin,
It's great that you are feeling so positive and grateful.
Pirate,
Don't feel that you are alone. Not everyone is happy all the time. It's the ebb and flow of recovery. Things aren't always lollipops and rainbows. Life doesn't work that way. Just keep working a program that works for you and happiness will come. Recovery doesn't mean we are happy all the time. Recovery gives us the tools to deal with what life throws at us in a healthy nondestructive way.
Keep on moving Marie and don't give up. Work a program and keep it one day at a time.
XX Valarie :-)
It's great that you are feeling so positive and grateful.
Pirate,
Don't feel that you are alone. Not everyone is happy all the time. It's the ebb and flow of recovery. Things aren't always lollipops and rainbows. Life doesn't work that way. Just keep working a program that works for you and happiness will come. Recovery doesn't mean we are happy all the time. Recovery gives us the tools to deal with what life throws at us in a healthy nondestructive way.
Keep on moving Marie and don't give up. Work a program and keep it one day at a time.
XX Valarie :-)
Pirate: "Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will ALWAYS materialize if we WORK for them."
Do what's suggested--you'll never regret it.
Do what's suggested--you'll never regret it.
No worries, pirate....but lets be clear about who I am, I'm no saint or guru, I'm the bloke who's spent 45 years as a well-meaning, very scared and slowly dying robot who tried his best all the bloody time and felt fake, broken and sad....all beneath an optimism and determination to be happy that never quite cut it....sure I was ok lots of the time, but it wasn't like this....and all I can say is that it wasn't strength or courage or any act on my part that led me to this place. The only thing I think I DID was stop trying. I simply stopped trying and surrendered. I felt I was going mad when I felt these gentle inner urgings, and "heard" answers to questions I was asking myself....I don't hallucinate voices but my heart/mind/soul somehow nudges me in one direction or another....and I have to find the courage to follow that even when my Will, my conscious mind isn't sure or even disagrees.....and over time I'm learning to know when that "voice" inside me (not a real voice, remember) is at work and when I'm kidding myself......I dunno pirate, I wish I had a simply answer....the truth is that I can't find the words....zac's right when he talks about gratitude, that's a key for me....I sit and FEEL grateful for a flower or a ray of sunlight or this board or your voice or whatever....I pay the feeling attention and let it bubble up from within and then wow! it breaks through and I feel a sense of wonder and all the rest flows. It's as if I had to let me feelings know they were welcome in my heart, does that make sense? As if I wasn't going to deny them or drive them away....as if they're the real me that fled decades ago and until they knew I'd trust them they couldn't trust me....I know how weird that sounds and that's why I've done so much reading about psychology - you see, it's not weird at all....it's mainstream stuff for psychotherapists and psychiatrists. No-one tells us....so I can explain all this in terms a psychiatrist would recognise.... my longstanding pathology, my breakdown/breakthrough and what's happening to me now.....
I went on a walk today and one of the insights I was given was that I no longer feel the need to compete with others to feel ok about myself. I don't compare myself. God gave me a soul and getting back in touch with it has taken me 45 years....and a year of turmoil, counselling, three Al-anon meeting a week, an open AA meeting a week, this board, calling the Samaritans about 200 times, and an amazing lot of love and support from people who know me. And the thing I know is that this is a gift. I didn't earn it, haven't worked for it, don't deserve it any more than anyone else. Maybe for some reason it's just my time. Believe me pirate, I've grieved for the 45 years I've missed out on this...
I think the 12 steps are a route to this experience pirate. I simply did it slightly differently but psychologically it's the same process...
I was forced to accept my life was unmanageable.
I surrounded myself with people who accepted me and didn't judge (Al-anon, AA, friends and famly) - so I felt as safe as possible. And I went to therapy, which if you get a good therapist is the definition of a supportive and open and honest relationship.
I gave up trying to fix my many problems. I surrendered. I accepted that there was a power greater than myself working for me. I was blessed with many miracles that in another state of mind I would have denied happened, redefined their meaning or not even seen....I was open to the possibility of help and I saw it....and I did not flee or assume I was going mad, which believe me was a real possibility....I kept an open mind about BOTH possibilities and simply accepted them....and kept open to these experiences.
I refused to run away from my feelings...and found help when I needed it...a dozen informal sponsors if you like, helping me get through the day...including The Samaritans, many of whom are trained counsellors...
And in therapy I am dong my version of the steps....looking at the past, my emotions, people who have been in my life, my part in what has happened....the same things, even the same process....it just looks a little different....
In going to therapy and reading and learning I am showing myself I WANT to change.....I am asking to have me character defects removed....I am SO WILLING for this to happen.....
I have walked the streets for hours asking for ONE THING: to know His Will for me and the courage and strength to follow it...(I guess that's two things lol)....
And in my own way I am serving a cause, fighting a fight I might...just might have been put here to fight....but that could be my co-dependency stuff so I have to keep asking for guidance on that one....lol....and I KNOW that He wants me to be happy for me....I'm slowly learning that and beginning to believe it.
And yes, I'm making amends too...slowly....forgiving others - often daily - and forgiving myself and making amends where I can....a work in progress....never perfect.....
And still I doubt and stumble and fall....and have moments of fear and weakness and temptation.....all those things that I imagine go with being human....and I accept them...and I try to remember that they present me with an opportunity to strengthen my conscious contact....and He is always there.
He's there for you, too pirate....of course He is.....I don't know why I had to wait 51 years.....I missed so much and it cost me so much....was it my fault? Wasn't I good enough? lol..... We are ALWAYS good enough pirate, what I think stopped me finding this was that I couldn't surrender. I did in my head, but deeper down, in my heart, I was afraid or too proud or something, or just didn't know how to..... And then one day I had to.
I'm not "cured" pirate, and my life contains many painful things at the moment. I try to share the positives....I'm happy to share openly because I really believe that's how we help each other and I share what I do because I know I was so close to suicide that I NEEDED to believe that things could be better.....well they can.....that's a good thing pirate, don't let our dis-ease twist it into something to beat yourself up about.....because that's not God, your soul or your HP talking to you, is it? It's your disease........learning "who" is whispering in my ear is an important path for me....we're made up of so many different aspects.....mainstream psychiatry and psychotherapy pirate, not witchdoctor or Exorcist stuff....just human being stuff.
Thank you for your honesty.
Much love,
Martin x
I went on a walk today and one of the insights I was given was that I no longer feel the need to compete with others to feel ok about myself. I don't compare myself. God gave me a soul and getting back in touch with it has taken me 45 years....and a year of turmoil, counselling, three Al-anon meeting a week, an open AA meeting a week, this board, calling the Samaritans about 200 times, and an amazing lot of love and support from people who know me. And the thing I know is that this is a gift. I didn't earn it, haven't worked for it, don't deserve it any more than anyone else. Maybe for some reason it's just my time. Believe me pirate, I've grieved for the 45 years I've missed out on this...
I think the 12 steps are a route to this experience pirate. I simply did it slightly differently but psychologically it's the same process...
I was forced to accept my life was unmanageable.
I surrounded myself with people who accepted me and didn't judge (Al-anon, AA, friends and famly) - so I felt as safe as possible. And I went to therapy, which if you get a good therapist is the definition of a supportive and open and honest relationship.
I gave up trying to fix my many problems. I surrendered. I accepted that there was a power greater than myself working for me. I was blessed with many miracles that in another state of mind I would have denied happened, redefined their meaning or not even seen....I was open to the possibility of help and I saw it....and I did not flee or assume I was going mad, which believe me was a real possibility....I kept an open mind about BOTH possibilities and simply accepted them....and kept open to these experiences.
I refused to run away from my feelings...and found help when I needed it...a dozen informal sponsors if you like, helping me get through the day...including The Samaritans, many of whom are trained counsellors...
And in therapy I am dong my version of the steps....looking at the past, my emotions, people who have been in my life, my part in what has happened....the same things, even the same process....it just looks a little different....
In going to therapy and reading and learning I am showing myself I WANT to change.....I am asking to have me character defects removed....I am SO WILLING for this to happen.....
I have walked the streets for hours asking for ONE THING: to know His Will for me and the courage and strength to follow it...(I guess that's two things lol)....
And in my own way I am serving a cause, fighting a fight I might...just might have been put here to fight....but that could be my co-dependency stuff so I have to keep asking for guidance on that one....lol....and I KNOW that He wants me to be happy for me....I'm slowly learning that and beginning to believe it.
And yes, I'm making amends too...slowly....forgiving others - often daily - and forgiving myself and making amends where I can....a work in progress....never perfect.....
And still I doubt and stumble and fall....and have moments of fear and weakness and temptation.....all those things that I imagine go with being human....and I accept them...and I try to remember that they present me with an opportunity to strengthen my conscious contact....and He is always there.
He's there for you, too pirate....of course He is.....I don't know why I had to wait 51 years.....I missed so much and it cost me so much....was it my fault? Wasn't I good enough? lol..... We are ALWAYS good enough pirate, what I think stopped me finding this was that I couldn't surrender. I did in my head, but deeper down, in my heart, I was afraid or too proud or something, or just didn't know how to..... And then one day I had to.
I'm not "cured" pirate, and my life contains many painful things at the moment. I try to share the positives....I'm happy to share openly because I really believe that's how we help each other and I share what I do because I know I was so close to suicide that I NEEDED to believe that things could be better.....well they can.....that's a good thing pirate, don't let our dis-ease twist it into something to beat yourself up about.....because that's not God, your soul or your HP talking to you, is it? It's your disease........learning "who" is whispering in my ear is an important path for me....we're made up of so many different aspects.....mainstream psychiatry and psychotherapy pirate, not witchdoctor or Exorcist stuff....just human being stuff.
Thank you for your honesty.
Much love,
Martin x
thank you guys for responding. Martin thank you for being understanding. I really do appreciate your response. Skg,val,anyone???? I am willing to accept any suggestions of things to do that will help me find my way. I am willing to do anything and follow anyone who can give me some guidelines. I am lost and I want to be found. It's getting old, this journey that I'm on. I am tired of feeling like crap most of the time. I feel like I don't even belong in this world,that I am on the outside looking in. while other people live their lives I can't fit in and try as I might I always have to pretend. I dress myself up,put on a smiley face and pretend that I am part of the human race. It makes me tired. I just rather be alone where I don't have to work at it. I don't know how to deal with circumstances and life without booze.I want a way out other than the escape that booze used to bring to me. I just want to find a way that will bring me what you guys have,even a little close to it would be an improvement. When I was drinking I used to be sick and tired,now I am just tired.
Im happy for you martin keep it up consistancy is the key for me also
The source of all creation is pure consciousness......pure potentiality seeking expression from the unmanifest to the manifest and "when" we realise that our true self is one of pure potentiality, we align with the power that manifests everything in nature.
"Today i shall judgenothingthat occurs" and throughout the day i will remind myself not to judge.
"The best thing that can happen to me is happening right now"
The source of all creation is pure consciousness......pure potentiality seeking expression from the unmanifest to the manifest and "when" we realise that our true self is one of pure potentiality, we align with the power that manifests everything in nature.
"Today i shall judgenothingthat occurs" and throughout the day i will remind myself not to judge.
"The best thing that can happen to me is happening right now"
Thank you Conscious. That's a fantastic post. It seems there are so many ways we can approach this love....
pirate, I think this journey of mine has taken decades. I think God was trying to get me to listen decades ago. The darkest hour is just before the dawn. I know it's a cliche, but I am being honest here. I was calling The Samaritans up to four times a day for an hour a time. They always ask the suicide question: "have you thought of harming/hurting/killing yourself. For months my answer was "Yes. A lot of the time. I haven't got as far as making a plan yet (their follow-up question) but I have intrusive thoughts and images". I told my counsellor I would find my self and live an authentic life or die an authentic death. I THINK the Martin I was had to be reborn as the Martin I am becoming....he didn't die, I retired him with thanks for helping me survive and bringing me to this point....but I felt like I wanted to die for months. This is no trivial thing. What I'm trying to say is if I make it sound easy or instantaneous that's the nature of a message board rather than the reality. You see small snapshots of my life. You haven't seen me crawling around on the floor, snot pouring out of my nose snivelling into the phone to the Samaritans telling them I'm a four-year-old boy who can't cope, just can't cope.....that's where I was and who I was inside for month after month. I don't mean that I cried and felt weak, I mean I WAS four inside at those times......I thought I was going mad.....I prayed for and was granted the courage to continue to surrender.....and in time, when I'd felt everything I needed to feel, I was free of my past....and could begin to learn to live.....I reckon I'm about 14 years old now emotionally.....if I sound older that's because I've had 45 years' experience at faking it.....faking it with the best of intentions, and with a good rule book about how adults "should" behave, but faking it.....and the real me is shy and growing....celibate, because he's way to young for any of that stuff still....and staying away from relationships because he's just a boy....I'm just a boy....full of wonder at a second chance at living and at feeling this stuff.....
What am I trying to say? I'm saying that yes, at times it was so dark for me and my temptations so sinister...violence, orgies (and yes, I found out when and where, and yes I planned murder).....I have been so unsure, so tempted to take a dark road and throw my meaningless, broken life away....why not?....I was, I am, so impatient.......but this journey is a gift....all I did was try to follow....and there is a spirit, an essence, a power.....wanting us to ask...wanting to help....but sometimes conscious Will isn't enough....I had to FIND my heart, which I'd shut away in a safe to protect it and then I had to discover how to OPEN my heart......and within there is a power so much greater than myself that I can look up at the stars and smile.....I had to surrender in my heart and my unconscious mind and in my soul....I don't even know what to call it, this part of me....I had to completely surrender........ and of course when I say "had" I mean "have".....present tense.... I have to remind myself to maintain and strengthen my conscious contact.....but although my conscious mind can help me open that door my conscious mind DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT EXISTED, let alone where it was or how to open it until my heart healed and showed me how.
Surrendering to a power greater than myself in my mind, my heart, my bones, my blood. And the door opens when He decides is best for me.....and believe me, I'm not ever going to argue with Him again about that or anything else.
I don't know if any of that means anything pirate, I'm just trying to say it didn't come because I wanted it or when I wanted it. It came because I didn't stop wanting it and did everything I could to find out about it and help myself and eventually the time was right for me.
I hope that helps but don't despair if it doesn't. Just keep being willing and open to the possibility that He might just be trying to reach you today or tomorrow or whenever the time is right for you.
Love,
Martin x
pirate, I think this journey of mine has taken decades. I think God was trying to get me to listen decades ago. The darkest hour is just before the dawn. I know it's a cliche, but I am being honest here. I was calling The Samaritans up to four times a day for an hour a time. They always ask the suicide question: "have you thought of harming/hurting/killing yourself. For months my answer was "Yes. A lot of the time. I haven't got as far as making a plan yet (their follow-up question) but I have intrusive thoughts and images". I told my counsellor I would find my self and live an authentic life or die an authentic death. I THINK the Martin I was had to be reborn as the Martin I am becoming....he didn't die, I retired him with thanks for helping me survive and bringing me to this point....but I felt like I wanted to die for months. This is no trivial thing. What I'm trying to say is if I make it sound easy or instantaneous that's the nature of a message board rather than the reality. You see small snapshots of my life. You haven't seen me crawling around on the floor, snot pouring out of my nose snivelling into the phone to the Samaritans telling them I'm a four-year-old boy who can't cope, just can't cope.....that's where I was and who I was inside for month after month. I don't mean that I cried and felt weak, I mean I WAS four inside at those times......I thought I was going mad.....I prayed for and was granted the courage to continue to surrender.....and in time, when I'd felt everything I needed to feel, I was free of my past....and could begin to learn to live.....I reckon I'm about 14 years old now emotionally.....if I sound older that's because I've had 45 years' experience at faking it.....faking it with the best of intentions, and with a good rule book about how adults "should" behave, but faking it.....and the real me is shy and growing....celibate, because he's way to young for any of that stuff still....and staying away from relationships because he's just a boy....I'm just a boy....full of wonder at a second chance at living and at feeling this stuff.....
What am I trying to say? I'm saying that yes, at times it was so dark for me and my temptations so sinister...violence, orgies (and yes, I found out when and where, and yes I planned murder).....I have been so unsure, so tempted to take a dark road and throw my meaningless, broken life away....why not?....I was, I am, so impatient.......but this journey is a gift....all I did was try to follow....and there is a spirit, an essence, a power.....wanting us to ask...wanting to help....but sometimes conscious Will isn't enough....I had to FIND my heart, which I'd shut away in a safe to protect it and then I had to discover how to OPEN my heart......and within there is a power so much greater than myself that I can look up at the stars and smile.....I had to surrender in my heart and my unconscious mind and in my soul....I don't even know what to call it, this part of me....I had to completely surrender........ and of course when I say "had" I mean "have".....present tense.... I have to remind myself to maintain and strengthen my conscious contact.....but although my conscious mind can help me open that door my conscious mind DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT EXISTED, let alone where it was or how to open it until my heart healed and showed me how.
Surrendering to a power greater than myself in my mind, my heart, my bones, my blood. And the door opens when He decides is best for me.....and believe me, I'm not ever going to argue with Him again about that or anything else.
I don't know if any of that means anything pirate, I'm just trying to say it didn't come because I wanted it or when I wanted it. It came because I didn't stop wanting it and did everything I could to find out about it and help myself and eventually the time was right for me.
I hope that helps but don't despair if it doesn't. Just keep being willing and open to the possibility that He might just be trying to reach you today or tomorrow or whenever the time is right for you.
Love,
Martin x
Very interesting posts Martin. I find your journey quite compelling.
Pirate, my first year of sobriety was horrid, I hated it. Negativity oozed out of me from every angle. Everything had fallen apart and I was sleeping on my mom and dads settee without a clue about how to move on or what to do about my life. But I just stuck at it and didn't drink, I dealt with the cravings, and they passed. Slowly but surely things started to happen and now I am living a life I never thought imagineable. You have to be patient, things will work and they will all work in the right time for you.
Pirate, my first year of sobriety was horrid, I hated it. Negativity oozed out of me from every angle. Everything had fallen apart and I was sleeping on my mom and dads settee without a clue about how to move on or what to do about my life. But I just stuck at it and didn't drink, I dealt with the cravings, and they passed. Slowly but surely things started to happen and now I am living a life I never thought imagineable. You have to be patient, things will work and they will all work in the right time for you.
Gidday Pirate
Dont keep looking so hard for something that is within you, pause, check your H.A.L.T s, first things first, pause
If i spend to much time scanning the horizon i dont see what is in front of me and the miracles that are happining around and for me
You have got what it takes, but you want it all now, and from memory to quote the words of an old song "slow down youre movin to fast , youve gotta make the mornin last " sort of something like that
Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative and dont get caught with mr inbetween(negative thinking mixed with cunning, baffling and powerful)
light and love zac
Dont keep looking so hard for something that is within you, pause, check your H.A.L.T s, first things first, pause
If i spend to much time scanning the horizon i dont see what is in front of me and the miracles that are happining around and for me
You have got what it takes, but you want it all now, and from memory to quote the words of an old song "slow down youre movin to fast , youve gotta make the mornin last " sort of something like that
Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative and dont get caught with mr inbetween(negative thinking mixed with cunning, baffling and powerful)
light and love zac
Thanks zac. what are H.A.L.T.s???. I will try whatever anyone can suggest. I just don't ever want to drink again so anything that will prevent me from doing that I am willing to do.God bless and take care.
Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired = HALT
Edited to say: I really like these....
ALCOHOLICS- A life centered on helping others live in complete sobriety.
DEAD- Drinking ends all dreams.
SLIP- Sobriety loses it's priority.
There are a million more of them and a million different versions. :-)
Edited to say: I really like these....
ALCOHOLICS- A life centered on helping others live in complete sobriety.
DEAD- Drinking ends all dreams.
SLIP- Sobriety loses it's priority.
There are a million more of them and a million different versions. :-)
