I have been in a relationship with my now fianc on and off for the last 3 years. Last year we decided to give it a go and re-commit after six months of being a part. That was the beginning of the present situation I find myself in. If only, I hadnt met up with him for coffee after we broke up I wouldnt have fell for the story of how he was sober and going to AA meetings, I wouldnt have seen how much healthier he looked at the time, I wouldnt have gotten my hopes up and decide to give him another chance. And more importantly, I wouldnt have ended up moving in with him four months after that.
I know what youre thinking. For the record, there was a part of me that felt like it was too good to be true but there was another part of me that was experiencing a completely different person then the man I had dated for two years prior to that. Well, as one can probably imagine, the honeymoon didnt last. Not soon after we moved in together, he brought up the idea of being normal and having a glass of wine with dinner. Having been in Al Anon and attempting to work the program I knew it was a red flag and I also knew trying to control the situation would only make things worse, so I agreed, compromised my boundaries and gave in. That was the beginning of a year of ups and downs.
One year and a recent miscarriage later (yes miscarriage), I will say this, on more than one occasion he has completely gone off the rails, caused me more stress and heart ache then I can stand. And In many ways, as sad as its been, part of me is relieved we will not be having a baby. The loss, along with the holidays have put things into perspective for me. The chances he will change are slim. Ive threatened to leave more times than I care to admit and now its wearing on me. Truth is, Im tired of trying to control things and hold everything together.
Something clicked for me this past weekend when he went to a holiday party (which I chose not to go because I knew deep down he would drink and I didnt want to witness it). At the end of the evening, he called and asked me to pick him up. I did but this time instead of going off on him that night and the next morning, I did something different, I didnt give him a hard time about it or even mention how disappointed I was in his behavior, instead I just made it a point to get myself to an Al Anon meeting.
Since then, I have been to 3 meetings and am making plans to move. Ive even applied for a job to disconnect myself from his business and find my independence again. And although I have four months left in this lease with him, and Im not sure if I will be able to stay the duration of it. Part of me is worried that if I leave before its over he wont hold up his end of the lease and that will put me in a compromising situation credit wise. So, instead of trying to figure it all out today,
I will continue to attend regular meetings to remind myself of how strong I am, that my own behavior in trying to fix him, control the situation, threaten him and berate him doesnt serve him or myself. My prayer is that in focusing on my own recovery and co-dependent behavior, I will only continue to grow stronger and mister up the courage to leave this time.
If youve read this far thank you for holding space for me, please send prayers for strength and courage. And know that Im sending you prayers of peace and love.
Thank you for posting. You are wise to to focus and take care of yourself. You are doing the right thing and it must be a relief to know you are moving on.
Thank you Sallyana. Relief will be a good way to describe how I will feel when its all said and done. Just trying to get through each moment until then. At my meeting yesterday a couple of participants shared some topics that really resonated. One spoke of being patient while waiting for answers and someone else mentioned how meetings helped him gain a sense of independence. Ive experienced what it means to be free and independent, its everything. Even in the midst of feeling lonely at times when I was single, there was always a sense of peace and thats what Im working toward re-claiming. In the meantime Im practicing patience, as much gentleness as I can toward myself and imagining my own independence again. Its giving me hope. Your words and your response are also giving me hope. Thank you for that.
Worry about yourself not the alkie.
Ran into an alkie couple who are married around for about a year at a holiday function. Their behavior including the drinking and drugging is the worse it's ever been. They were actually sniping at each other which they never did in front of others prior to marriage.
Point being a marriage or most big events/choices will not change a person. The person must want to change themselves pure and simple. What are life changing events for most sober people are just another day to alkies & addicts. They're going through the motions with some even using things like marriage as a cover-see I'm ok and doing thing normal sober people do.
The future is now, not after wedding vows. You have control now. Use it.
Thank you for the reminder Samegame. When I step outside of the situation I can see that I am in control of my choices and my actions. That does feel empowering. Little by little Im starting to remember how much power and control I do have over my own well-being. Thank you for reminding me of this. Sharing and receiving feedback and other individual shares also help. :)
Thanks for sharing your situation Hopeful! You are doing what is best for YOU, which is always important. We cannot be any good to anyone else if we are not good to ourselves!
fight on! You are doing great
fight on! You are doing great
Thanks mtnmom. One day at a time. I know in the grand scheme of things this is all temporary (if I can remain strong enough and continue to see the light until I ca get out of this). Its hard to sit still while I gather the resources and strength to remove myself from this situation. I hate pretending like all is well, turning a blind eye to what is broken and needs attention but its all I can do right now. All of the lies, broken trust, hurtful actions and words... I love myself too much to continue on this path. My faith and the support of meetings and this forum is helping me feel less isolated and alone, so thank you for taking the time to lend words of encouragement.
Going home to visit my parents for Christmas. Its the first time my partner and I will been with my family for the holidays. Im trying to stay present and not give into anxiety and the thought, will he drink in front of my family? I know these thoughts dont serve me and I need to let them go. After all, Im happy to be spending the holidays with my family but part of me wishes I was going alone. No one knows I plan on leaving him. Taking deep breaths... In the meantime, sending a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all.
I had a therapist say this to me once and I think it's profound...it was not in reference to my daughter it was in reference to leaving a bad relationship/marriage. "The doors open, so why are you putting up bars? "
Thanks for the reminder Sallyana. The entire plane ride down I kept reciting the serenity prayer, well he didnt drink at all and it ended up being a very peaceful trip. I know how this show goes though and youre right, Im the only one standing in the way between my freedom and feeling imprisoned. One day at a time. Im hoping I hear back from one of these jobs this week, that will help me feel that much stronger and independent. I literally have no where to go, otherwise I think I would have been gone a long time ago. Thankful for this group.
Hopeful11 - also keep reminding yourself that when things are supposed to change, doors will start opening to steer you in the right direction. You make the correct decisions & the doors won't close in your face..... keep plugging forward!! Happy Holidays!
Thanks mntmom... your reminder made me want to weep. My prayer is you are right. You all, including my recovery support group keep me hopeful. Cant wait until the holidays are over. Prayers and love to you all!
Hes drinking again tonight, just passed out. Im hoping for the rest of the night. Thankful he wasnt too irritable or antagonistic. I dont care how he tries to justify it, it isnt normal to have to live like this. Its not ok and Im really mad at myself for not honoring my boundaries. I dont like feeling this out of control of my own life and dependent upon him for my livelihood. Just praying to find employment and the nerve to leave. My sovereignty, independence and wellbeing matter. I just want to be strong enough to choose me.
No one should have to live like that. Its a compromised life. Its a prison....Its a living hell really. You deserve your own life and to be happy...life with him is an accommodation....a bad accommodation. Your are wise to want to make a plan to get out.....otherwise it's more of the same and it usually gets worse with time.
Thank you for the reminder Sallyana. Youre right. No amount of love (if you want to call it that) will ever justify how it feels to be unsafe, verbally attacked, and made to feel like Im the problem... it is a compromised life and a bad accommodation and Im tired of living like this. Thank you for the sounding board and encouraging words. This co dependency and the alcoholism makes me feel isolated but having a forum like this in moments like last night help. Heres to a new day and getting through it. Last holiday of the year. Thank god.
Hopeful always remember we are stronger than we think we are. Often we let fears keep us in a bad situation and most fears are irrational (unless we are being chased by a bear or something like that). After the decision is made and you leave you will feel so much better no matter how little money you have. You will feel liberated and you will have your life back. (Been there done that).
Happy new Year Sallyana. Thank you for that. Im glad you got yourself out of that situation. Gives me hope and encouragement. I cried all day yesterday and prayed. Thank god it was a peaceful night. He didnt drink and I at least felt safe. I am holding on to your words, it gives me hope. I dont need a lot, just enough to cover my bills and to live. Ive been independent and free before, Ill get there again.
Life is a gift and we shouldn't waste it....think positive and make good decisions....you will be okay!!
Indeed it is! Grateful for the reminder.
Hi Hopeful,
I read your story and can definitely relate to what I put my wife through while I was addicted.
I was addicted to alcohol and drugs for quite a few years and eventually destroyed my marriage as a consequence.
I was abusive, cheated, constantly promised to quit but always seemed to fail. Believe it or not, deep down I did truly want to quit, but i wasn't in control of myself. I really loved my family but i really struggled to stop.
I personally don't advise staying with somebody who is abusive or is putting you through hell, but that doesn't mean he can't change.
I found this really amazing Christian addiction program, that set me free once and for all. I don't even crave anymore. Been clean for years, and 2 years ago I went to go get my wife back.
I understood that addiction is a spiritual battle. My advice is: If you haven't given up on him yet, I would like to refer you to the center nearest to you (they're world wide) and you can go there on his behalf. Because it's a spiritual war, you can literally go on his behalf. They also offer free relationship counselling, and everything is free.
God bless
**** Please do not post personal contact information. Thank you, the moderators ****
I read your story and can definitely relate to what I put my wife through while I was addicted.
I was addicted to alcohol and drugs for quite a few years and eventually destroyed my marriage as a consequence.
I was abusive, cheated, constantly promised to quit but always seemed to fail. Believe it or not, deep down I did truly want to quit, but i wasn't in control of myself. I really loved my family but i really struggled to stop.
I personally don't advise staying with somebody who is abusive or is putting you through hell, but that doesn't mean he can't change.
I found this really amazing Christian addiction program, that set me free once and for all. I don't even crave anymore. Been clean for years, and 2 years ago I went to go get my wife back.
I understood that addiction is a spiritual battle. My advice is: If you haven't given up on him yet, I would like to refer you to the center nearest to you (they're world wide) and you can go there on his behalf. Because it's a spiritual war, you can literally go on his behalf. They also offer free relationship counselling, and everything is free.
God bless
**** Please do not post personal contact information. Thank you, the moderators ****
