I am in shock. I feel so conflicted. One person is upset that their mom is sick and she is a child only 15. Another person like me is upset by their spouses drug abuse, a man is ruined emotionally by the death of his young son, a suffering addict is struggeling to survive for their family, Lady M. is giving up and I have been too burned out by my boyfriends problems and my own personal issue's to know why. I sit stunned...4 am, insomniac,,,having a drink alone while the love of my life is asleep and on drugs.
Lady M's post freaked me out. Her child! Herself! What does this stuff do to people? I go day to day depressed due to my boyfriends drug addiction. But I could leave. One day I was driving and singing with the radio and I asked myself why am I happy right now? Maybe I had just began to feel the results of the antidepressant I have been taking! Maybe I forgot that life is not easy. Maybe it was just my normal self. The person I could be if I had not allowed myself to be emersed in other peoples problems to the point that i dont deal with my own. All i know is that we are all similar. addicted or not, happy or not, married or not, parent or not, homeless or not. We all need the same things. I resent my life and I go on pretending I dont. I go on with my business professionally, come home to an addict, drink myself silly twice a month and yell at him, call myself an alcoholic, cry for my dead 50 year old addicted dad, try to talk sense to my boyfriend.
Many of us are not happy no matter what we do. We can not control other people although we try. Many of us can not control ourselves! All of us feel that way at some point. I want a baby but don't want to be pregnant. I am getting old and waiting on an opiate addict to get better. i wonder if many do get better. It has to be an all or nothing attitude. Or does it? I dont know. I just know that I never thought life would be this hard. Each day I pretend. I tell my mom I am fine because she would come and try to take me from this house if she knew he was still using and had not found a solution.
Each day I pretend I am like the person I want to be. Each day I die a little more. I try to remember the last day I really enjoyed. I can only come up with images.
I do not mean to pity party. I know I am responsible for my own life an fate. I am just saying that things are hard. Habits are hard to break. You can't choose who you love or who loves you. You cant decide which family you are born into. We can only take care of our own selves. I am slowly learning how to do that. But I fear I never will. I can't sleep at night and sleep all morning. If i did not own my own business I would not have this flexibility. I need help. From my dad from myself for my relationship.
I want to move on with my life but my live in love and his addiction continues to put us on hold. I will stay for now but feel myself slowly slipping. if it had been anyone else i would be gone. it makes me board. his sex drive goes down and up at times. When its good i question it. i feel stupid. I want to be myself again. How am i going to get through this. How are we going to get through this. For those of you with children...give them life. live through their eyes. wasn
t it better than? Lady M. Please dont hurt your child.
I sound pathetic. being honest. I WILL SURVIVE so will you.
HI Jen,
I started reading your post and got very worried. I see things are still not going good. I guess that he has not gone to rehab yet. I thought that was suppose to happen last week. You have to try to hang in there if you are going to stay.......this is his prolbems.......don't let this be yours. He is the one sick, but you are making yourself sick over it. Now that advice I could use too. I question everything.....all the motives......when he actually sleeps I worry the most. Wondering hey why did he fall asleep so early? If he is to happy. If he has more energy than I think he should. The questions would drive a sane person crazy! Your last line gives me hope.....YOU WILL SURVIVE......don't forget that. It is one day at a time on everyone's end.....thats what you have to think of......one day at a time.
Take care........
Tina
I started reading your post and got very worried. I see things are still not going good. I guess that he has not gone to rehab yet. I thought that was suppose to happen last week. You have to try to hang in there if you are going to stay.......this is his prolbems.......don't let this be yours. He is the one sick, but you are making yourself sick over it. Now that advice I could use too. I question everything.....all the motives......when he actually sleeps I worry the most. Wondering hey why did he fall asleep so early? If he is to happy. If he has more energy than I think he should. The questions would drive a sane person crazy! Your last line gives me hope.....YOU WILL SURVIVE......don't forget that. It is one day at a time on everyone's end.....thats what you have to think of......one day at a time.
Take care........
Tina
Jennifer i feel your pain.. i know the pain of watching someone you love be lost in addiction and i know the battle personally as well..it's sort of like the Kenny Rodgers song.. you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them and for that advice only the Almighty can help..I am a christian and though i was devinely delivered from crack 6 years ago with no problems whatsoever i still find myself years later addicted to vics..it seems like your antidepressant may be kicking in and i hope you get some relief from them. With my daughters abuse (crack) we had to intervene and take her 3 little girls.. the counselor said that the only thing that should stop us is if we saw a genuine desire for help from our daughter .. which we did not see.. it's 3 months later and she has successfully completed rehab and is doing well with aftercare.. she is learning to live again..life is hard..some decisions are hard to make, the one thing i seek after with all my heart is peace.. peace with others, peace with myself and with my God..it's a journey and we are all in it together.. as far as lying and pretending to be what we are not... the one thing i have found is that the truth comes out when it is ready to come out and not one minute sooner.. a lot of time that is when it feels *safe* to come out and unfortunately that can be a long long time...anyway thanks for the post and hang it there.. be good to yourself..
hi
question
do you know where you see yourself next week, next month, next year.
thought
there is alot of gray between the dark and the light - the all or the nothing - if we are somewhat brave and perhaps daring we can choose to see it all.
good luck
fondly,crystal
question
do you know where you see yourself next week, next month, next year.
thought
there is alot of gray between the dark and the light - the all or the nothing - if we are somewhat brave and perhaps daring we can choose to see it all.
good luck
fondly,crystal
Jennifer, first of all I want to say that you are a very strong and wonderful person to be sticking by your man's side through this. I put my husband through pure hell when I was on pills. He saw how much pain I was in during wds, so he would go out and buy me pills! Talk about your enabler! But I "loved" him for it. Then one day I found him crying because of the financial and emotional stress it put on him. And it was all my fault. I knew I had to do something for him, my kids, me. Is your boyfriend trying to get clean? I hope he sees the pain you go through. Just remember that God won't give you more than you can handle. But you know your own breaking point. Don't lose you own head over this. Do all that you can do and hope that it is enough. I would just like to say thank you to all of you who stick with us addicts through everything.
Thank you for your posts. I was trying to be a little creative with my feelings. I feel the same questioning his happiness, sleeping, etc. He is trying and may have a better attitude than ever. Still I wait...
Yes, I have a plan for my future and I know it is up to me to do it so I will. I feel much better today even though I stayed up all night on this board. I am bummed about Lady M.
Jen
Yes, I have a plan for my future and I know it is up to me to do it so I will. I feel much better today even though I stayed up all night on this board. I am bummed about Lady M.
Jen
Jen I sent you an e-mail. I will talk more to you tomorrow.....heading for bed early for a change really have no choice I am wiped out.
Hi Jen,
I'm glad to hear that you are doing better today. I think everyone is concerned for Carrie (Lady M), but by no means will she hurt her daughter. Good luck to you in whatever you chose.
Marie
I'm glad to hear that you are doing better today. I think everyone is concerned for Carrie (Lady M), but by no means will she hurt her daughter. Good luck to you in whatever you chose.
Marie
