I have searched all over the internet for someone who may have a similar story. I have found many stories about partners/family members addicts stealing from their family/spouse in order to get heroin, but I have yet to hear anyone who has gone through what I am still going through with my heroin addicted husband.
I feel trapped and I cannot keep living like this. My husband has been using heroin for the past 5 years straight. His habit is a minimum of $60 per day and often around $120 per day. So he averages about $80 per day ($560 per week or $2,427 per month or $29,120 per year). He obtains his money from me. I realize this is a LOT of money. I make decent money, but I cannot keep affording to shell out this kind of cash. I am barely able to pay the bills with what I have left over and we still live paycheck to paycheck. I rely on credit cards for most of our incidentals and extras and I try to make extra money when and where I can with my business, but I certainly don't make enough to comfortably afford this kind of habit. Nor should I have to..... We don't have large bills and I have always lived within my means.... but it sure would be nice to be able to put this kind of cash in a savings account or college fund for my kids instead of my husband sticking it in his arm... I can't afford this in any way, shape or form.
Most of you will think there is an easy solution to this problem. Stop giving him money. Well... it isn't that simple. Believe me, I have told him NO thousands of times.... I have threatened to take our kids and leave... I've called the cops on him..... I've seen a lawyer for advice.... I AM STUCK for several reasons. Here is my situation.
I own my own business and am the sole provider of a family of 6. My heroin addict husband is a stay at home father as he cannot get a job because he can't get or stay off heroin. The house, the bills and everything is in my name. So you know... (and I have checked with a divorce attorney).... as a married couple.... he has the right to REMAIN in the home until a judge declares the divorce final and forces him to move out. He WILL NOT LEAVE our home and will hold up a divorce for years.... so there is no kicking him out to solve the problem.
If I don't leave him $60 per day minimum before I go to work, he will come to my customer's place of business and make a scene to get the money. I can't allow my customers to know of his problem or they would let me go... thus no income for my family AT ALL. I have built my business and credit rating back up over the years and am fairly well established and cannot risk my credit or my business.
My moving out will not solve the problem as my husband will still STALK me at work and I can't move my business or my customers. So me uprooting my kids and my only source of income is not a possible solution.
If and when I AM able to avoid giving him money... he pawns things from our home.... things of mine... things of our childrens..... Xbox, Music Equipment, Televisions, Tools.... anything and everything of value in our home. One time I took me and my kids to a safe place for a week and left him with no phone or vehicles so that he could just get through the 3-4 days of withdrawals.... he found a way to a phone... he called a cab and every TV in our home was pawned in under a week. My kids were devastated. So you see... If I don't hand him the $60... he will just pawn a TV... for well over $100.... get that much dope and then I have to spend $135 to get my kids TV or Wii or Xbox or Cell phone back. .... So it costs me less money to just hand him $60 every day..... sometimes twice a day when the heroin isn't good or he shoots up and misses... etc. This infuriates me!
As a last resort... He is also blackmailing me for the money when I refuse to give it to him. I cannot share the details of this. But it is enough to scare me and whether he is bluffing or not. Another risk I just can't take.
He has tried many different programs over the years, but only ever winds up with a DOUBLE habit.
Methadone Outpatient.... got on methadone which got him off heroin for a few weeks, but started using heroin and Xanax and dropped dirty urines too many times, so he got kicked off the program... back to heroin.
Methadone Inpatient 30 day rapid detox... left of his own will after 8 hrs.... walked out... got a ride home and continued to use daily.
Suboxone.... has currently been on Suboxone treatment for 15 months now ($250 doctor visit per month I also pay for) and still uses heroin EVERY DAY same amount. He "tries" to get on the Suboxone but can never go through the withdrawal symptoms long enough to get ON the Suboxone and OFF dope. He goes into horrendous withdrawals and then needs to use heroin to stop the withdrawals.... which doesn't make sense to me how he can still get high after taking the Suboxone. But I have watched him take it and use. He will sell his suboxone and/or kolonopins..... for dope when he wants more than the $60 worth I give him.
I just don't know what to do anymore. He always says he wants to quit. He always says he has a plan...... its a vicious cycle every 24 hr period.......
Wakes up.... either dope sick or suboxone isn't helping.....calls me in desperation for money for dope... promises me that today is the last day he will need money and that he will get on his suboxone for GOOD tomorrow.... followed by "HIS PLAN".... to do so.... then followed by the phone call after he is back home and shot up.... (now that he is high or comfortable... he feels guilty).... saying he is sorry and then followed by the Promise of the next day......
I have told him to STOP planning.... stop promising.... because he CHOOSES to continue to use heroine EVERY DAY...... I have resided to just leaving him the $60 per day so he will leave me alone to WORK.....and won't PAWN anything else from our home. This is ridiculous. He will NEVER stop using... and why would he? I mean, he doesn't have to work for the money, or steal or sell his body for the money. All he has to do is threaten me for it. Simple enough... he pays no consequences.
Don't know what to do.... Anyone out there have a similar story?
My initial response when reading your story.."why are you stuck"?
Then, as you began to explain further...I wonder...WHY IN THE HELL are you stuck!!??
He's gonna come to your place of business and create a scene? That is your motive to
continue on supporting his addiction?
Not to be hard on you here, but, that makes no sense at all.
Call the police! Get his actions back into his lap where they belong. Would you tolerate
that behavior from a stranger? You might be surprised at how understanding your
customers might be.
Stalk you? Call the police! YOU must cease taking some of his blame. It's him, not you!
I've been down your path...loving a heroin addicted person. It aint easy, for sure. And until
he decides that enough is enough, there aint shack that you can do. His double habit...?
Most likely something we've all seen in the past...it's basically a way of him behaving
so you/anyone might feel sorry for him...to continue the habit.
Meth/Subox...unless the user is serious, it's a waist. They get on it to show loved ones that hey "are quitting" but all the while are still getting high, selling it, or both. Just another avenue of "high" for them. But again, only the ones who want to get off of dope will have success.
It sounds like, and I'm sorry to say this, your guy just is not serious about quitting dope.
Addiction looks like addiction, recovery looks like recovery.
Do what's best for you. Stop taking care of him, please. And in the process of him figuring
out how to do that, you will learn so much.
All the best, I feel for you...
Then, as you began to explain further...I wonder...WHY IN THE HELL are you stuck!!??
He's gonna come to your place of business and create a scene? That is your motive to
continue on supporting his addiction?
Not to be hard on you here, but, that makes no sense at all.
Call the police! Get his actions back into his lap where they belong. Would you tolerate
that behavior from a stranger? You might be surprised at how understanding your
customers might be.
Stalk you? Call the police! YOU must cease taking some of his blame. It's him, not you!
I've been down your path...loving a heroin addicted person. It aint easy, for sure. And until
he decides that enough is enough, there aint shack that you can do. His double habit...?
Most likely something we've all seen in the past...it's basically a way of him behaving
so you/anyone might feel sorry for him...to continue the habit.
Meth/Subox...unless the user is serious, it's a waist. They get on it to show loved ones that hey "are quitting" but all the while are still getting high, selling it, or both. Just another avenue of "high" for them. But again, only the ones who want to get off of dope will have success.
It sounds like, and I'm sorry to say this, your guy just is not serious about quitting dope.
Addiction looks like addiction, recovery looks like recovery.
Do what's best for you. Stop taking care of him, please. And in the process of him figuring
out how to do that, you will learn so much.
All the best, I feel for you...
I understand what you are saying and there is more to it than I can share here as I am also in self protection mode. I figured I would get the "why are you stuck.... call the police" responses..... every friend I have ever shared this story with says that.
I have called the police. Several times. They padded him down... looking for drugs and found none.... this last time he had it in his shoe!!! But I didn't find that out until later after he already used it. Addicts are very clever. My husband is a MASTER manipulator. He spent three years in prison because of his drug problem and I was the one who turned him in. He was clean for a few years afterward, but this has been years ago. This devastated our family in so many ways and was a huge embarrassment.... again... more to that story that I don't want to share.
It is difficult to involve the police for more reasons than I could share. The state takes things out of your families control. I just wanted him to get HELP..... not PRISON. I am very leery of the police and courts for good reason. Understand that I have tried every angle and played every course of action I might take... out to the end.... BEFORE I take it. So yes.... I have to think about the consequences to ALL of us who are involved long before I take action. Addicts only think of themselves. It is a huge burden for me to take on the weight of my family on my shoulders with an addict as a partner at the helm.
My main customer called the police and then threatened to stop using my services if he causes problems for me at their workplace. You see...I am in accounting.... I have my own office, but I mostly work from my customers offices during the week. My customers would not understand. I handle their money. While they may understand and feel badly for me.... they would look for another accountant. Until I have replacement customers..... and build my business to a point that I can hire employees to work at their offices.... I have to service them myself and KEEP HIM AWAY from my workplaces. He just appears at my workplace. I get no warning.... I have a no trespassing on him for MY office and yet by the time I could call the cops... he would already be leaving and they have to catch him ON the premises. LOSE LOSE situation for me.
I've spoken to a lawyer about how I could go about getting him taken out of our home for the immediate time pending a long drawn out divorce. Unless the cops CATCH him with the drugs on his person.... they won't charge him and take him to jail. Again, my husband is crafty. He would swallow the drugs before he would allow himself to get caught. I could trump up some domestic violence charges..... but there again... court would take it out of my hands... and I won't make something up. The local cops know that he is a drug addict, but unless they catch him with it... nothing they can or WILL do.
This is really only part of the problem.... if you read further in my post..... even if he DIDN'T come to my workplace or make me worry about losing my customers. He will just pawn everything in my home and it will cost me TWICE as much to get it back. I can't expect my family/kids to go without a TV. I realize kids don't NEED all the modern day electronics, but it isn't fair to them to be deprived of stuff they already own. My daughter is in an excelled school program where she is assigned a school owned laptop. So if I don't give him money.... he threatens to pawn or pawns something and LEGALLY... he can do whatever he wants with our marital, family and home property and I can't stop him from taking anything he wants. I could call the police... but they would just say... sorry....we can't tell him not to take his property. You are married. Already spoken to an officer about my rights and he knows all his legal rights. Trust me. I've looked down every avenue.
You are right though. He doesn't want to quit. This I know. Which was the reason I was reaching out here in a families of addicts forum. His promises and manipulations don't get by me. I don't believe for a minute that he wants to be in recovery. I realize that the suboxone is a waste....but it cuts down on the money he WOULD be spending. So... there is that.
Eventually, one of several things will happen. I may have to take my kids and leave the state, ruin my credit as I could not afford to continue to make a house payment on the house I would leave him in and he certainly couldn't pay it, nor would he. Everything is in my name. But I may have to cut my losses.... Thinking about getting everything squared away to do so. But it will take time.
Thanks for your thoughts. If you have any other suggestions other than involving police... I'd like to hear them.
I have called the police. Several times. They padded him down... looking for drugs and found none.... this last time he had it in his shoe!!! But I didn't find that out until later after he already used it. Addicts are very clever. My husband is a MASTER manipulator. He spent three years in prison because of his drug problem and I was the one who turned him in. He was clean for a few years afterward, but this has been years ago. This devastated our family in so many ways and was a huge embarrassment.... again... more to that story that I don't want to share.
It is difficult to involve the police for more reasons than I could share. The state takes things out of your families control. I just wanted him to get HELP..... not PRISON. I am very leery of the police and courts for good reason. Understand that I have tried every angle and played every course of action I might take... out to the end.... BEFORE I take it. So yes.... I have to think about the consequences to ALL of us who are involved long before I take action. Addicts only think of themselves. It is a huge burden for me to take on the weight of my family on my shoulders with an addict as a partner at the helm.
My main customer called the police and then threatened to stop using my services if he causes problems for me at their workplace. You see...I am in accounting.... I have my own office, but I mostly work from my customers offices during the week. My customers would not understand. I handle their money. While they may understand and feel badly for me.... they would look for another accountant. Until I have replacement customers..... and build my business to a point that I can hire employees to work at their offices.... I have to service them myself and KEEP HIM AWAY from my workplaces. He just appears at my workplace. I get no warning.... I have a no trespassing on him for MY office and yet by the time I could call the cops... he would already be leaving and they have to catch him ON the premises. LOSE LOSE situation for me.
I've spoken to a lawyer about how I could go about getting him taken out of our home for the immediate time pending a long drawn out divorce. Unless the cops CATCH him with the drugs on his person.... they won't charge him and take him to jail. Again, my husband is crafty. He would swallow the drugs before he would allow himself to get caught. I could trump up some domestic violence charges..... but there again... court would take it out of my hands... and I won't make something up. The local cops know that he is a drug addict, but unless they catch him with it... nothing they can or WILL do.
This is really only part of the problem.... if you read further in my post..... even if he DIDN'T come to my workplace or make me worry about losing my customers. He will just pawn everything in my home and it will cost me TWICE as much to get it back. I can't expect my family/kids to go without a TV. I realize kids don't NEED all the modern day electronics, but it isn't fair to them to be deprived of stuff they already own. My daughter is in an excelled school program where she is assigned a school owned laptop. So if I don't give him money.... he threatens to pawn or pawns something and LEGALLY... he can do whatever he wants with our marital, family and home property and I can't stop him from taking anything he wants. I could call the police... but they would just say... sorry....we can't tell him not to take his property. You are married. Already spoken to an officer about my rights and he knows all his legal rights. Trust me. I've looked down every avenue.
You are right though. He doesn't want to quit. This I know. Which was the reason I was reaching out here in a families of addicts forum. His promises and manipulations don't get by me. I don't believe for a minute that he wants to be in recovery. I realize that the suboxone is a waste....but it cuts down on the money he WOULD be spending. So... there is that.
Eventually, one of several things will happen. I may have to take my kids and leave the state, ruin my credit as I could not afford to continue to make a house payment on the house I would leave him in and he certainly couldn't pay it, nor would he. Everything is in my name. But I may have to cut my losses.... Thinking about getting everything squared away to do so. But it will take time.
Thanks for your thoughts. If you have any other suggestions other than involving police... I'd like to hear them.
Have you see the movie Dolaras Clayburne? I think that's the name anyway there are ways to get him out of your house. Not murder of coarse, but have you called cps or an adult protection agency? He could be a danger to himself and your children. I am a recovering herion addict and know this game all to well. More then once i have to set someone up to get them out of my house. Things i could not say here. I can tell you he does do this because he never gets in trouble. Until YOU do something that interfears with him getting high your just losing money. And i'm sure you already know this so i'm sorry for your pain. If he has no clothes he won't leave the house to buy drugs(just saying). There are ways think think think.
No clothes. Good one! Unfortunately our son is his size..... so.... Thanks for helping me to think in THAT direction though.
I am still diligently working on a solution that is best for me and my family. I am just trying to do the easiest and cheapest thing I can do for now.
Thanks for your thoughts.
I am still diligently working on a solution that is best for me and my family. I am just trying to do the easiest and cheapest thing I can do for now.
Thanks for your thoughts.
I get that you are co-mingled wrt: work/finances...
And that's a bad place to be. Because, as long as you continue to behave
as you do, he has NO reason to change. YOU are covering up for him,
intentionally or not.
The biggest issue here isn't him...it is you.
You are associating your happiness with his doings, or, non-doings. Find a
different lawyer, you have so much at stake.
Asking a question...do you see things being any different a year from now
if he doesn't do anything different? How about 2 or 3?
I hope for you both...that he gets the help that he needs, but more importantly,
you get the help that you need. For the kids and their future.
And that's a bad place to be. Because, as long as you continue to behave
as you do, he has NO reason to change. YOU are covering up for him,
intentionally or not.
The biggest issue here isn't him...it is you.
You are associating your happiness with his doings, or, non-doings. Find a
different lawyer, you have so much at stake.
Asking a question...do you see things being any different a year from now
if he doesn't do anything different? How about 2 or 3?
I hope for you both...that he gets the help that he needs, but more importantly,
you get the help that you need. For the kids and their future.
Chidon,
While I appreciate your responses here; as advice is what I am looking for. However, I feel as though you aren't comprehending the situation clearly. So... I copied and pasted your responses and will address them individually.
"I get that you are co-mingled wrt: work/finances..."
I don't understand what you mean here. What is wrt? What is co-mingled? I am married to him and I am the only one working and supporting our family. What's mine is his and his is mine. It's called marriage. He wasn't an addict when I married him. My income is technically his income too. I cannot risk losing my income for ANY length of time right now. I have no savings or reserve money as he shoots anything I could have and lots that I really don't have... up his arm everyday.
"And that's a bad place to be. Because, as long as you continue to behave
as you do, he has NO reason to change. YOU are covering up for him,
intentionally or not."
WOW! I really don't know how to respond to this. I realize that he absolutely has NO reason to change as long as he can get money from me. I mentioned that in an earlier post. Of course he doesn't have any reason to change... he keeps EXTORTING money from me!!!!!! So how in the HELL can I CHANGE the way I continue to behave? I believe I have expressed PLENTY of reasons WHY I cannot CHANGE my behavior. I've looked at EVERY angle I can think of to STOP giving him money!!! Which is why I am looking to this website to see if anyone has any other angle suggestions I may not have thought of. I don't need to be psychoanalyzed here for MY BEHAVIOR!!! Laws are Laws! He has a legal right to the family income... mine or otherwise. I have called and spoken to Adult Services... Childrens Services.... telling them that he is extorting money from me... but there is nothing they can do about that. He has a legal right to pawn EVERYTHING in our home and he WILL unless I give him money! HE has a legal right to continue to LIVE in our marital home! WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND HERE? I am NOT covering up for him in any way. YES... I am enabling him to continue his drug use.... seemingly without any consequence to him. Do you honestly think I have some sick... co-dependent reason to WANT him to be a drug addict. Do you think I WANT to be blackmailed and bothered EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE? Don't you think that if there was ANY POSSIBLE WAY that I could STOP my behavior; I WOULD???? MY BEHAVIOR is a DIRECT SELF PRESERVATION REACTION to his MONSTER!!!
"The biggest issue here isn't him...it is you."
AGAIN.... WOW!!!!! You must be a therapist! Is this Dr. Phil? I am astonished at this remark. Don't think for a moment that I haven't gone to Narc Anon meetings and sought the help of professional counselors, therapists and psychologists in this ordeal and gotten PLENTY of "feedback" regarding addiction, addicts and TONS on co-dependents. I've read books about addiction, addicts and certainly CO-Dependent books and articles by the dozens. BELIEVE ME!!!! I am WELL aware that I have a "role" in his addiction... but telling me that the biggest issue here is ME.. not HIM???? I realize you are in this group because you have an addict family member and while there are many similar issues in everyone's story. Walk a DAY in my EXACT shoes and then tell me again that the problem is ME! The problem is HIM!!!! If his Monster didn't exist... there wouldn't BE a problem.
"You are associating your happiness with his doings, or, non-doings."
Hmmmm... more therapist talk. How can I NOT associate my happiness.... or in this case... MY MISERY... with his doings or non-doings? 'I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE IN THE MATTER..... UNLESS YOU CAN PROVIDE ONE THAT I HAVEN'T ALREADY TRIED!!!!!! I WANT HIM OUT OF MY LIFE!!!! I WANT HIM OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!! HE WON'T LEAVE!!!!!!!! AND I CAN'T FORCE HIM!!!!!! DO YOU THINK I ACTUALLY ENJOY HANDING HIM MONEY SO THAT HE WON'T PAWN OUR THINGS OR BOTHER ME AT WORK EVERYDAY?
"Find a different lawyer, you have so much at stake"
I'm going to address this sentence in two parts. Firstly, I repeat... THE LAW IS THE LAW! I have spoken directly to LAW ENFORCEMENT at the police station for about an hour about my situation.... in detail.... as I have written in my original post. The "keepers' of the LAW... told me that there is nothing that they can LEGALLY do short of catching him with drugs. He is allowed to blackmail me, distort money from me, pawn our family belongings..... etc. I cannot call the police to our house everyday in the hopes that they will catch my husband with the drugs. Believe me... they won't.. Been there.. tried that!!! He doesn't physically abuse me and they won't arrest him because I am distraught over his behavior. Find a different lawyer? I have spoken to several different types of lawyers, criminal and divorce alike. Same response. Short of a divorce that he can draw out for years.... he has legal rights to stay in our home. I would have to move myself and our children out..... and their advise was to leave the state. ...... Second part...... thank you for acknowledging that I have SO much at stake. Therein lies the biggest problem.
"Asking a question...do you see things being any different a year from now
if he doesn't do anything different? How about 2 or 3?"
I have asked this question every day!! EVERY DAY!!!!!! I don't trust him... I loathe him!!! I don't believe any of his promises. He lives on promises on lies. I just shut him out when he starts babbling about recovery. I have lost ALL hope that he will ever get clean... a year from now... 2 or 3 or 30! I guess I hope that one of the 3 things will happen, therein lies my only freedom that I can see.
"I hope for you both...that he gets the help that he needs, but more importantly,
you get the help that you need. For the kids and their future."
Two part response again. Firstly, Thanks for your hopes for him getting the help he needs. Unfortunately, he has had every help he can get. Treatment clinics, methadone, suboxone.... others.. he has TRIED and failed almost every recovery program I can afford out there. I don't have $15,000 to send him to some POSH facility where they will KEEP him against his WILL to safely and comfortably DETOX! Oh yeah.. these places will work with you on a payment plan... so you probably think... just use the money you give him everyday to make the payment plan ...right? Seems reasonable. I've thought the same thing... BUT.... knowing my husband.... he would think....after his expensive treatment and clean time.. he could "TREAT" himself to a little reward... "HEROIN"... for his good behavior. Then I am still paying on the treatment payment plan... AND I am handing him the money everyday... cuz he would be right back to where he is ... or worse. There are no guarantees with Junkies. I assume most of you know that! So unless you ARE Dr. Phil and want to take on a charity case..... my husband is NOT going to get clean until he WANTS to.... and like you, I and others have already pointed out... he certainly isn't going to get clean while he can EXTORT money EASILY from me. Secondly, If when you say... "help that I need for myself, my kids and our future" .... is someone to RESCUE us from him and pay for the ridiculously expensive treatment where he will be confined for around 30 days to detox and get a month of clean time under his belt, or someone to haul him off to jail.... or take him away against his will...... then I hope that can happen. Otherwise... I feel hopeless that no one can rescue me. There is no way that I can avoid my current situation.....
In closing. I apologize if I seem irritated by your response here. I was really looking for someone to understand my situation and have some possible other solutions that I might not have thought of... albeit I highly doubt any one will as I have sought out all avenues and their potential outcomes. I don't need anyone to tell me to look at myself or psychoanalyze me. I need suggestions to a means to an end! I need advice from someone who is or may have been in my EXACT situation or close thereto. I will not defend myself in this thread any longer. I am not SICK! I am not a typical Co-Dependent! I want HIS behavior to CEASE! I cannot control him and while I can control me and try to protect my children.... the situation is VERY VERY VERY complicated!!!! His MONSTER not only controls him.... but it subsequently controls ME as well. I am a slave to it almost as much as he is. I am a COMPLETELY UNWILLING party to this and wish to GOD and prayed to GOD there was a way out. I don't see one without losing everything. So for those of you who might say... "your only solution is to CUT your losses and leave everything behind... your business.... your home... you and your childrens belongings.... and let your credit go to hell in a handbasket.... move far far away from this monster".... walk one month in my shoes before you suggest it....
So unless any other posters have advice towards my "situation" and how I might handle things from here without losing my business/income, losing my home, losing our valuables, costing me twice as much.... I have resigned to the fact that..... I will probably be handing him money to shoot up his arm every day until he.... gets caught and goes to jail, gets clean or dies. Those seem to be the only three options to our freedom that I can see at this time.
Anyone else with any suggestions? Please help.
While I appreciate your responses here; as advice is what I am looking for. However, I feel as though you aren't comprehending the situation clearly. So... I copied and pasted your responses and will address them individually.
"I get that you are co-mingled wrt: work/finances..."
I don't understand what you mean here. What is wrt? What is co-mingled? I am married to him and I am the only one working and supporting our family. What's mine is his and his is mine. It's called marriage. He wasn't an addict when I married him. My income is technically his income too. I cannot risk losing my income for ANY length of time right now. I have no savings or reserve money as he shoots anything I could have and lots that I really don't have... up his arm everyday.
"And that's a bad place to be. Because, as long as you continue to behave
as you do, he has NO reason to change. YOU are covering up for him,
intentionally or not."
WOW! I really don't know how to respond to this. I realize that he absolutely has NO reason to change as long as he can get money from me. I mentioned that in an earlier post. Of course he doesn't have any reason to change... he keeps EXTORTING money from me!!!!!! So how in the HELL can I CHANGE the way I continue to behave? I believe I have expressed PLENTY of reasons WHY I cannot CHANGE my behavior. I've looked at EVERY angle I can think of to STOP giving him money!!! Which is why I am looking to this website to see if anyone has any other angle suggestions I may not have thought of. I don't need to be psychoanalyzed here for MY BEHAVIOR!!! Laws are Laws! He has a legal right to the family income... mine or otherwise. I have called and spoken to Adult Services... Childrens Services.... telling them that he is extorting money from me... but there is nothing they can do about that. He has a legal right to pawn EVERYTHING in our home and he WILL unless I give him money! HE has a legal right to continue to LIVE in our marital home! WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND HERE? I am NOT covering up for him in any way. YES... I am enabling him to continue his drug use.... seemingly without any consequence to him. Do you honestly think I have some sick... co-dependent reason to WANT him to be a drug addict. Do you think I WANT to be blackmailed and bothered EVERY SINGLE DAY OF MY LIFE? Don't you think that if there was ANY POSSIBLE WAY that I could STOP my behavior; I WOULD???? MY BEHAVIOR is a DIRECT SELF PRESERVATION REACTION to his MONSTER!!!
"The biggest issue here isn't him...it is you."
AGAIN.... WOW!!!!! You must be a therapist! Is this Dr. Phil? I am astonished at this remark. Don't think for a moment that I haven't gone to Narc Anon meetings and sought the help of professional counselors, therapists and psychologists in this ordeal and gotten PLENTY of "feedback" regarding addiction, addicts and TONS on co-dependents. I've read books about addiction, addicts and certainly CO-Dependent books and articles by the dozens. BELIEVE ME!!!! I am WELL aware that I have a "role" in his addiction... but telling me that the biggest issue here is ME.. not HIM???? I realize you are in this group because you have an addict family member and while there are many similar issues in everyone's story. Walk a DAY in my EXACT shoes and then tell me again that the problem is ME! The problem is HIM!!!! If his Monster didn't exist... there wouldn't BE a problem.
"You are associating your happiness with his doings, or, non-doings."
Hmmmm... more therapist talk. How can I NOT associate my happiness.... or in this case... MY MISERY... with his doings or non-doings? 'I DON'T HAVE A CHOICE IN THE MATTER..... UNLESS YOU CAN PROVIDE ONE THAT I HAVEN'T ALREADY TRIED!!!!!! I WANT HIM OUT OF MY LIFE!!!! I WANT HIM OUT OF MY HOUSE!!!! HE WON'T LEAVE!!!!!!!! AND I CAN'T FORCE HIM!!!!!! DO YOU THINK I ACTUALLY ENJOY HANDING HIM MONEY SO THAT HE WON'T PAWN OUR THINGS OR BOTHER ME AT WORK EVERYDAY?
"Find a different lawyer, you have so much at stake"
I'm going to address this sentence in two parts. Firstly, I repeat... THE LAW IS THE LAW! I have spoken directly to LAW ENFORCEMENT at the police station for about an hour about my situation.... in detail.... as I have written in my original post. The "keepers' of the LAW... told me that there is nothing that they can LEGALLY do short of catching him with drugs. He is allowed to blackmail me, distort money from me, pawn our family belongings..... etc. I cannot call the police to our house everyday in the hopes that they will catch my husband with the drugs. Believe me... they won't.. Been there.. tried that!!! He doesn't physically abuse me and they won't arrest him because I am distraught over his behavior. Find a different lawyer? I have spoken to several different types of lawyers, criminal and divorce alike. Same response. Short of a divorce that he can draw out for years.... he has legal rights to stay in our home. I would have to move myself and our children out..... and their advise was to leave the state. ...... Second part...... thank you for acknowledging that I have SO much at stake. Therein lies the biggest problem.
"Asking a question...do you see things being any different a year from now
if he doesn't do anything different? How about 2 or 3?"
I have asked this question every day!! EVERY DAY!!!!!! I don't trust him... I loathe him!!! I don't believe any of his promises. He lives on promises on lies. I just shut him out when he starts babbling about recovery. I have lost ALL hope that he will ever get clean... a year from now... 2 or 3 or 30! I guess I hope that one of the 3 things will happen, therein lies my only freedom that I can see.
"I hope for you both...that he gets the help that he needs, but more importantly,
you get the help that you need. For the kids and their future."
Two part response again. Firstly, Thanks for your hopes for him getting the help he needs. Unfortunately, he has had every help he can get. Treatment clinics, methadone, suboxone.... others.. he has TRIED and failed almost every recovery program I can afford out there. I don't have $15,000 to send him to some POSH facility where they will KEEP him against his WILL to safely and comfortably DETOX! Oh yeah.. these places will work with you on a payment plan... so you probably think... just use the money you give him everyday to make the payment plan ...right? Seems reasonable. I've thought the same thing... BUT.... knowing my husband.... he would think....after his expensive treatment and clean time.. he could "TREAT" himself to a little reward... "HEROIN"... for his good behavior. Then I am still paying on the treatment payment plan... AND I am handing him the money everyday... cuz he would be right back to where he is ... or worse. There are no guarantees with Junkies. I assume most of you know that! So unless you ARE Dr. Phil and want to take on a charity case..... my husband is NOT going to get clean until he WANTS to.... and like you, I and others have already pointed out... he certainly isn't going to get clean while he can EXTORT money EASILY from me. Secondly, If when you say... "help that I need for myself, my kids and our future" .... is someone to RESCUE us from him and pay for the ridiculously expensive treatment where he will be confined for around 30 days to detox and get a month of clean time under his belt, or someone to haul him off to jail.... or take him away against his will...... then I hope that can happen. Otherwise... I feel hopeless that no one can rescue me. There is no way that I can avoid my current situation.....
In closing. I apologize if I seem irritated by your response here. I was really looking for someone to understand my situation and have some possible other solutions that I might not have thought of... albeit I highly doubt any one will as I have sought out all avenues and their potential outcomes. I don't need anyone to tell me to look at myself or psychoanalyze me. I need suggestions to a means to an end! I need advice from someone who is or may have been in my EXACT situation or close thereto. I will not defend myself in this thread any longer. I am not SICK! I am not a typical Co-Dependent! I want HIS behavior to CEASE! I cannot control him and while I can control me and try to protect my children.... the situation is VERY VERY VERY complicated!!!! His MONSTER not only controls him.... but it subsequently controls ME as well. I am a slave to it almost as much as he is. I am a COMPLETELY UNWILLING party to this and wish to GOD and prayed to GOD there was a way out. I don't see one without losing everything. So for those of you who might say... "your only solution is to CUT your losses and leave everything behind... your business.... your home... you and your childrens belongings.... and let your credit go to hell in a handbasket.... move far far away from this monster".... walk one month in my shoes before you suggest it....
So unless any other posters have advice towards my "situation" and how I might handle things from here without losing my business/income, losing my home, losing our valuables, costing me twice as much.... I have resigned to the fact that..... I will probably be handing him money to shoot up his arm every day until he.... gets caught and goes to jail, gets clean or dies. Those seem to be the only three options to our freedom that I can see at this time.
Anyone else with any suggestions? Please help.
UGH!!!!!!!
AS I WAS WRITING THIS FROM MY OFFICE, MY HUSBAND CALLED ME AND SAID THAT HE NEEDS AN ADDITIONAL $20 TODAY.... I LEFT HIM $60 BEFORE I LEFT FOR WORK. I TOLD HIM NO... OF COURSE... AND THAT I ALREADY TOLD HIM THAT I CANNOT AFFORD WHAT I ALREADY LEAVE HIM EVERYDAY. I HUNG UP ON HIM AS I CANNOT LET THE BUSINESSES CLOSE AROUND ME HEAR MY END OF THIS CONVERSATION AND THE WALLS ARE THIN AND CLOSE PROXIMITY.......I AM HOPING THAT HE WILL GIVE UP AND TAKE WHAT HE ALREADY HAS AND LEAVE ME ALONE....
BUT NOT TODAY... AS HE RARELY EVER GIVES UP HIS QUESTS FOR MORE MONEY.
HE JUST CONTINUES TO BLOW UP MY PHONE OR TEXTS ME UNTIL I GIVE IN. THIS IS PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT WHEN I AM IN THE PRESENCE OF A CUSTOMER AT THEIR FACILITY. I'VE ALREADY HAD ONE CLIENT QUESTION WHY HE KEEPS CALLING WHILE I AM WORKING ON "CUSTOMER'S" TIME......EMBARRASSING!!! I HAVE TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIM. LAST TIME HE STARTED SCREAMING OBSCENITIES AT ME AND MY CUSTOMER HEARD IT. I WAS MORTIFIED!!! IF I DON'T ANSWER..... HE KEEPS CALLING... IF I TURN MY PHONE OFF... THEN HE JUST SHOWS UP WHEREVER I AM... HE FINDS ME...... I HAVE TO KEEP MY PHONE ON FOR CUSTOMERS FROM 8 TO 5, M-F .... I CAN'T IGNORE HIS CALLS... IF I DON'T ANSWER... HE JUST GETS MORE ANGRY AND/OR DESPARATE AND THEN DOES SOMETHING THAT COSTS ME WAY WAY MORE (MORE MONEY.... FURTHER EMBARRASSEMENT...MORE INTERUPTIONS IN MY WORK DAY THAT I CAN'T AFFORD......INCONVENIENCES ETC.) THAN IF I JUST GIVE IN......................LOSE, LOSE SITUATION FOR ME.
I HATE MY LIFE!!! I AM SO VERY MISERABLE! I HATE DRUGS AND ADDICTION!!!
SO.... BACK TO THIS MORNING......5 MINUTES LATER.... HE SHOWS UP AT MY OFFICE DOOR DEMANDING THE $20 MORE. I TOLD HIM "NO" AGAIN AND HE STARTED TALKING VERY LOUDLY...DOGGING ME AND SAYING EMBARRASSING CRAP TOWARDS ME IN ATTEMPTS TO TARNISH ME SO OTHER BUSINESS'S WORKERS WOULD HEAR. SO EMBARRASSING AND MORTIFYING, I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE. I HAD TO GIVE IT TO HIM TO SHUT HIM UP AND GET HIM TO LEAVE. HE LEFT, I LOCKED MY OFFICE DOOR AND CRIED AND CRIED!!! HOPELESS!! I'M TRAPPED AT HOME!!! I'M TRAPPED AT WORK!!! I'M TRAPPED!!!! CALLING THE COPS DOES NO GOOD.... HE WOULD GRAB MY PHONE WHILE HE WAS HERE....TRY TO GET EVEN MORE THAN $20. IF I RESIST... THE PRICE JUST GOES UP!!! I AM AT THE MERCY OF HIS MONSTER WHEN HE IS "SICK" AND NEEDS HIS FIX..... AND HE WOULD BE GONE BEFORE COPS COULD GET HERE. THEN I WOULD HAVE MY WORK NEIGHBORS WONDER WHAT IS GOING ON. WHY COPS KEEP SHOWING UP! MY LANDLORD MIGHT GET WIND OF IT AND MY REPUTATION AND OFFICE SPACE IS AT STAKE HERE........ Sooooo............what would ANY of you do in that situation? I'll tell you what you would do!!! You'd give him what he wants to get him OUT of your office!! I AM IN SELF PRESERVATION....SURVIVAL MODE HERE.....
THIS IS A CONSTANT ROUTINE!!! HE IS A MASTER MANIPULATOR. KNOWS EXACTLY HOW TO GET AS MUCH AS HE WANTS WITHOUT GETTING HIMSELF INTO TROUBLE..... I HATE HIS MONSTER!
AS I WAS WRITING THIS FROM MY OFFICE, MY HUSBAND CALLED ME AND SAID THAT HE NEEDS AN ADDITIONAL $20 TODAY.... I LEFT HIM $60 BEFORE I LEFT FOR WORK. I TOLD HIM NO... OF COURSE... AND THAT I ALREADY TOLD HIM THAT I CANNOT AFFORD WHAT I ALREADY LEAVE HIM EVERYDAY. I HUNG UP ON HIM AS I CANNOT LET THE BUSINESSES CLOSE AROUND ME HEAR MY END OF THIS CONVERSATION AND THE WALLS ARE THIN AND CLOSE PROXIMITY.......I AM HOPING THAT HE WILL GIVE UP AND TAKE WHAT HE ALREADY HAS AND LEAVE ME ALONE....
BUT NOT TODAY... AS HE RARELY EVER GIVES UP HIS QUESTS FOR MORE MONEY.
HE JUST CONTINUES TO BLOW UP MY PHONE OR TEXTS ME UNTIL I GIVE IN. THIS IS PARTICULARLY DIFFICULT WHEN I AM IN THE PRESENCE OF A CUSTOMER AT THEIR FACILITY. I'VE ALREADY HAD ONE CLIENT QUESTION WHY HE KEEPS CALLING WHILE I AM WORKING ON "CUSTOMER'S" TIME......EMBARRASSING!!! I HAVE TO MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIM. LAST TIME HE STARTED SCREAMING OBSCENITIES AT ME AND MY CUSTOMER HEARD IT. I WAS MORTIFIED!!! IF I DON'T ANSWER..... HE KEEPS CALLING... IF I TURN MY PHONE OFF... THEN HE JUST SHOWS UP WHEREVER I AM... HE FINDS ME...... I HAVE TO KEEP MY PHONE ON FOR CUSTOMERS FROM 8 TO 5, M-F .... I CAN'T IGNORE HIS CALLS... IF I DON'T ANSWER... HE JUST GETS MORE ANGRY AND/OR DESPARATE AND THEN DOES SOMETHING THAT COSTS ME WAY WAY MORE (MORE MONEY.... FURTHER EMBARRASSEMENT...MORE INTERUPTIONS IN MY WORK DAY THAT I CAN'T AFFORD......INCONVENIENCES ETC.) THAN IF I JUST GIVE IN......................LOSE, LOSE SITUATION FOR ME.
I HATE MY LIFE!!! I AM SO VERY MISERABLE! I HATE DRUGS AND ADDICTION!!!
SO.... BACK TO THIS MORNING......5 MINUTES LATER.... HE SHOWS UP AT MY OFFICE DOOR DEMANDING THE $20 MORE. I TOLD HIM "NO" AGAIN AND HE STARTED TALKING VERY LOUDLY...DOGGING ME AND SAYING EMBARRASSING CRAP TOWARDS ME IN ATTEMPTS TO TARNISH ME SO OTHER BUSINESS'S WORKERS WOULD HEAR. SO EMBARRASSING AND MORTIFYING, I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE. I HAD TO GIVE IT TO HIM TO SHUT HIM UP AND GET HIM TO LEAVE. HE LEFT, I LOCKED MY OFFICE DOOR AND CRIED AND CRIED!!! HOPELESS!! I'M TRAPPED AT HOME!!! I'M TRAPPED AT WORK!!! I'M TRAPPED!!!! CALLING THE COPS DOES NO GOOD.... HE WOULD GRAB MY PHONE WHILE HE WAS HERE....TRY TO GET EVEN MORE THAN $20. IF I RESIST... THE PRICE JUST GOES UP!!! I AM AT THE MERCY OF HIS MONSTER WHEN HE IS "SICK" AND NEEDS HIS FIX..... AND HE WOULD BE GONE BEFORE COPS COULD GET HERE. THEN I WOULD HAVE MY WORK NEIGHBORS WONDER WHAT IS GOING ON. WHY COPS KEEP SHOWING UP! MY LANDLORD MIGHT GET WIND OF IT AND MY REPUTATION AND OFFICE SPACE IS AT STAKE HERE........ Sooooo............what would ANY of you do in that situation? I'll tell you what you would do!!! You'd give him what he wants to get him OUT of your office!! I AM IN SELF PRESERVATION....SURVIVAL MODE HERE.....
THIS IS A CONSTANT ROUTINE!!! HE IS A MASTER MANIPULATOR. KNOWS EXACTLY HOW TO GET AS MUCH AS HE WANTS WITHOUT GETTING HIMSELF INTO TROUBLE..... I HATE HIS MONSTER!
This might sound like the script for a movie, but have you thought about going to the feds about this? If the city police are not interested in your case, perhaps local or regional DEA agents would be. Extorting money is a federal crime. The DEA also would be interested in tracing the dealers he gets his heroin from.
It might be a long shot, but at this point, it sounds like you have tried many things.
It might be a long shot, but at this point, it sounds like you have tried many things.
Roberta,
Thank you for your thoughts and understanding my "situation". This is the kind of responses I was looking for. I never thought about going to the Feds.
I tell ya, I've often thought that this situation feels like it would make an excellent movie script. I've actually thought about writing a book about it... if I could find the time.
I knew that extortion is a federal crime.... just not sure how that would play out in a husband/wife scenario. Extorting money is the word I used because that is what it feels like.... blackmail too.... He uses threats of all sorts... pawning.... coming to my office....talking trash about me..... tarnishing my business reputation..... to get me to give him money. So... to me.. that feels like extortion and blackmail, but the FEDS may not label it as such due to our marital condition. But it wouldn't hurt me to ask. I think I will look into that. Thanks
I have had the notion to turn in his two dealers though...several times. They supply to quite a few people I am sure. But, I don't know how "big fish" these two individuals might be. DEA has to start somewhere though and smaller fish lead to big fish eventually. I am just a little apprehensive as the information I would provide anonymously could never come back around to me. Meaning... his dealers are scary individuals and I have a family to think about. They know where we live.
I figured that if I got his dealers caught... he would not have anyone to get his dope from. But another one just takes their place and he has several back up phone numbers he could call. Something more to keep thinking about though. Still a possible option in my head.
I think a big part of my problem is that I play all these solutions out to every possible end. You have to consider every WORST CASE SCENARIO... BEFORE... .you play your cards. All the scenarios I think may be a solution.... have really crappy possible worst case scenarios and I am ultimately very SCARED in this position I am in.
Thanks again for your help.
Thank you for your thoughts and understanding my "situation". This is the kind of responses I was looking for. I never thought about going to the Feds.
I tell ya, I've often thought that this situation feels like it would make an excellent movie script. I've actually thought about writing a book about it... if I could find the time.
I knew that extortion is a federal crime.... just not sure how that would play out in a husband/wife scenario. Extorting money is the word I used because that is what it feels like.... blackmail too.... He uses threats of all sorts... pawning.... coming to my office....talking trash about me..... tarnishing my business reputation..... to get me to give him money. So... to me.. that feels like extortion and blackmail, but the FEDS may not label it as such due to our marital condition. But it wouldn't hurt me to ask. I think I will look into that. Thanks
I have had the notion to turn in his two dealers though...several times. They supply to quite a few people I am sure. But, I don't know how "big fish" these two individuals might be. DEA has to start somewhere though and smaller fish lead to big fish eventually. I am just a little apprehensive as the information I would provide anonymously could never come back around to me. Meaning... his dealers are scary individuals and I have a family to think about. They know where we live.
I figured that if I got his dealers caught... he would not have anyone to get his dope from. But another one just takes their place and he has several back up phone numbers he could call. Something more to keep thinking about though. Still a possible option in my head.
I think a big part of my problem is that I play all these solutions out to every possible end. You have to consider every WORST CASE SCENARIO... BEFORE... .you play your cards. All the scenarios I think may be a solution.... have really crappy possible worst case scenarios and I am ultimately very SCARED in this position I am in.
Thanks again for your help.
I am in a quite similar situation as yours. When I read your post it broke my heart.
A monster cocaine and crack addict brother who has made our lives a living hell in the past 3 years.
He is also master manipulator, he usues violence, blackmail and sometimes false promises to get the money he needs for his drug.
I do understand so well when you say that you are stuck.
I personally do not have the energy to fight him because I know that he is crazy and will fing a way to get revenge.
I can't really go into the details of the situation but for very personal reason we are also stuck with that parasite.
Also the law is not always perfect but I think that in the US they are a bit tougher with the issue of drugs than Canada.
I have removed myself physically but even then I still have nightmares and worry about my mom who is not that young.
I think that it must be harder for you because he is your husband and that you have children.
Have you ever tried to record the conversations where he is blackmailing for money.
I think for it to be legal your voice also has to be on the recording.
These people are criminals. There is no other way to describe them.
I pray that your situation changes and that you are able to free yourself from your husband and the abuse.
Take care.
A monster cocaine and crack addict brother who has made our lives a living hell in the past 3 years.
He is also master manipulator, he usues violence, blackmail and sometimes false promises to get the money he needs for his drug.
I do understand so well when you say that you are stuck.
I personally do not have the energy to fight him because I know that he is crazy and will fing a way to get revenge.
I can't really go into the details of the situation but for very personal reason we are also stuck with that parasite.
Also the law is not always perfect but I think that in the US they are a bit tougher with the issue of drugs than Canada.
I have removed myself physically but even then I still have nightmares and worry about my mom who is not that young.
I think that it must be harder for you because he is your husband and that you have children.
Have you ever tried to record the conversations where he is blackmailing for money.
I think for it to be legal your voice also has to be on the recording.
These people are criminals. There is no other way to describe them.
I pray that your situation changes and that you are able to free yourself from your husband and the abuse.
Take care.
Thank you. I'm so glad someone out there understands. Blackmail is a horrible thing to live under. I hope your Mom is ok. My husband is now getting back into the methadone clinic again. Hopefully this will work.
I believe my story is similar to yours in regards to my former wife. I, too, am a codependent and I am now in recovery. I now live much happier, joyous, and free. I decided I need to be better, whether my former wife is of not.
I found a good family program connected to a treatment center. I built upon that by attending Al Anon, NA Anon, and also a faith-based group.
It's really that simple for me. I could spend many pages and paragraphs describing my hopeless situation - which included blackmail in regards to my business.
Life is good, and you deserve a slice of it.
I will gladly share more if it will help you.
I found a good family program connected to a treatment center. I built upon that by attending Al Anon, NA Anon, and also a faith-based group.
It's really that simple for me. I could spend many pages and paragraphs describing my hopeless situation - which included blackmail in regards to my business.
Life is good, and you deserve a slice of it.
I will gladly share more if it will help you.
First things first you are a strong women & i admire you very much dont blame yourself keep strong, eat healthy & drink water because if you go down your kids come down with you & also you have a very serious situation on ur hands.
you need to quickly find a solution to this problem because in the long run it will affect your kids, if you dont theres a very good chance your kids will do exactly wat ur husbands doing now (im talking from experience).
dont feel sorry for your husband because he is putting you & your kids threw torture, he is tearing your house apart & its damaging your kids but obviously we cant see the damage because the damage is in the heart & brain.
i believe you've given your husband enough chances so my advice would be to dump your husband & move out miles & miles away make a fresh start because this torture can go on for years & could even lead to serious injury or even murder its not worth it the longer an addict is addicted the more dangerous/reckless they become.
you need to quickly find a solution to this problem because in the long run it will affect your kids, if you dont theres a very good chance your kids will do exactly wat ur husbands doing now (im talking from experience).
dont feel sorry for your husband because he is putting you & your kids threw torture, he is tearing your house apart & its damaging your kids but obviously we cant see the damage because the damage is in the heart & brain.
i believe you've given your husband enough chances so my advice would be to dump your husband & move out miles & miles away make a fresh start because this torture can go on for years & could even lead to serious injury or even murder its not worth it the longer an addict is addicted the more dangerous/reckless they become.
I finally got a restraining order against my crack addicted husband. Can you try that? You have to make up your mind that you seriously want him out. It took me 15 years but when I was ready, I did it. You can too.
With all of the texts and phone calls he sends you, you can easily get a temporary restraining order against him and then you will go to court to get an extended restraining order. You have the proof on your phone, you just need to go to the police and provide it. Believe me, they will grant to order.
Good luck
Good luck
That sounds like a very tough situation. I have no idea what I would do if I was you. After reading your story, others' responses, and your counter-responses, it sounds to me like you have it all figured out and are in no want of help. There isn't anything that anyone on earth can do to help you.
Al-Anon Family Groups helped me regain control over my life. I learned to get off the floor and stop being a victim. It was a long, hard road but the best thing in my life ever. I was blessed with the gift of desperation and therefore, willingness.
There is a program and a solution for you. From what it sounds like, you have a lot more pain and suffering to experience before you will be willing to listen.
I wish you the best.
Al-Anon Family Groups helped me regain control over my life. I learned to get off the floor and stop being a victim. It was a long, hard road but the best thing in my life ever. I was blessed with the gift of desperation and therefore, willingness.
There is a program and a solution for you. From what it sounds like, you have a lot more pain and suffering to experience before you will be willing to listen.
I wish you the best.
Oh wow. Your post really hit home to me. The similarity to my situation is insane. I guess it's true that addict are predictable and therefore exhibit similar behavior and dish out the same type of heartaches. I don't know if your still going through this and I would love to hear that your aren't. However based on my experience I would probably guess nothing has changed. I too am blackmailed, manipulated and threatened into being the money Pitt for someone's habit. It is not my husband but my 11 year boyfriend and we have kids together also. I am not well off financially in any way and he drains me for all I am worth. I keep saying I will leave and he keeps promising this is it and he wants to change. One of my problems is that the home loan is in both our names and he won't leave. He too is the type to act like a lunatic if not given his way. In trying to shelter my kids from his behavior, I give in. I am disgusted at the thought of him and really he is just a guy on my couch who won't leave and takes from me in every way. Rehab hasn't worked , methadone didn't work, nothing works. It feels hopeless and I can completely relate to your sadness. I am sorry that anyone else has to go through this. I would not wish this life on anyone. I am sorry I wish I could offer advice, but I don't have any to offer.
Ladies,Have you ever heard of legal aid,also you can call a lawyer many lawyers will give you a free consultation and advise you how to proceed.....You are allowing these men to make you their doormats....No one can do anything to you unless you allow it period...You sound like you have been mentally emotionally abused ...there are women's shelters out there....I understand what it is to love a addict...but I also understand what it is to love myself....I will not surrender my self worth or pride to no one...You are not helping him,yourself or your children...they are in a toxic envoirment and children are like sponges they absorb what surrounds them....I would pack my bags pack my kids bags and find a place to go either a friend's a shelter contact a church for help....show him no way am I dealing with this anymore...take the power away from the bully...Stop it!Can you deal with this one more week one more day or are you going to gather some strength and say I matter I'm important ...I don't care if I walked out with nothing more then the clothes on my back ....I'm walking away with my pride. ...Everything else is materialistic I can rebuild ...I wouldn't be brow beaten any longer...You have much life ahead of you ...You have been in the clouds so long you don't believe there's sunshine but there is ....You just have to be brave enough to find it.Also what message are you sending your kids...daddy's pawing your stuff oh I'm sorry. .You may allow this but come on already you don't mind this happening to your kids....maybe cps needs to step in addict for a father and a mother who is allowing kids to be in a drug envoirment and a mother who keeps making excuses....Love yourself and your kids more then the junkie.....unless you want the free fall to continue....then the whole family junkie Mom and kids will go down the tubes.....get out now! DRUGS = DESTRUCTION OF THE AMERICAN FAMILY......IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU?
Christopher's Mom is completely correct. I'm thinking that once my daughter's addict mom gets sober all will instantly be better. It's only the beginning. Not even close to "everything will be ok now." It's going to take a significant amount of time of you and your childrens life . We all have that hope.
