My husband is addicted to opiate pain pills. He is already on probation and is drug tested twice a week. He has always seemed to find a way to get high around his drug screens and it has been scary so many times I've had sit with him and watch him because I was scared he wouldn't wake up. A few months ago he got in trouble for driving under the influence and was sent to court ordered rehab. I thought he was going to do better when he got out and he is actually doing a lot better. He doesn't get high to the point of nodding off anymore and he'll only take pills like once a week as opposed to how it was before. I just don't feel right about anything I still don't feel like he cares that much about getting better. Now I'm pregnant and I just want a break from his drama. No matter how much trouble he gets into it's never enough to make him open his eyes and try to change. He says he would die if I left him but I don't see him proving how much he wants to be in me and his child's life. I pay all the bills and everything he just blows all his money. I just don't feel like I need him and if he doesn't care about his own life why should I waste my time being stressed over it?
Welcome Gigi . . . you've found the right place to share without shame . . . to get encouragement . . . to get support . . . and to get cyber hugs. In fact, here's a hug . . . just 'cause.
I'm the mom of a heroin addict . . .but I understand what you mean by wanting sobriety for your hubby more than he wants its.. . wanting him to realize the damage addiction has caused in his life . . .and how it is effecting you. It is wonderful that he is making progress with his addiction. The path to sobriety is never straight . . . or easy. . . for either the addict . . . or the ones who love him/her.
It sounds like you've been through so much with and for him. You are surely one strong cookie. You go girl! But . . .nothing will change . . . until you change. And, now is the time to change the dynamics between you all . . . to stop the threesome you, he and addiction have been having . . . shoot, to prevent the threesome from growing to a four-some . . . for you to detach with love . . . not only to protect you . . . but to also protect the innocent baby you are bringing into this world. I'm not suggesting that you drop kick him to the curb. Only you can make that decision. (Altho I divorced my daughter's bio father . . . while pregnant with her. Yea he was my high school sweetheart . . .and we hadn't even been married a year . . . but I was tired of his stealing, cheating and lying. Never having or keeping a job. Of putting me in harm's way. At the time . . . 23 years ago . . . I didn't know that he was an addict . . .and he has yet to admit it. but in hindsight he was. His drug of choice was coke.) Please set some boundaries and rules in your home, if you haven't done so already. Rules like: no getting high in the house; don't bring drug friends/buddies to the house; no drugs or drug stuff where you/baby can see or get access to. I'm sure other spouses/partners of addicts, or even addicts that are in relationships, will be on soon and may be able to share theirs.
It also sounds like you have correctly separated the finances. High fives!! I'm so glad that you have total control over paying for the things that will assure that you keep a roof over your head, your utilities on, and there is food in the fridge. BUT . . .The biggest thing that jumps out at me is that it sounds like he is free to spend his pay check on drugs. In this way, you are enabling his addiction. If he is not contributing to the rent, or food, or anything regarding his basic needs, he should start now. I'd ask him to give me $x per paycheck . . . call it rent . . . call it child support . . . call it whatever. But nobody gets to stay anywhere for free.
Finally . . . with all that is going on with your life, I want to encourage you to do whatever is necessary for your self-care. Often times, we love our addicts more than we love ourselves . . . what I mean is that we get so consumed with them, their battles, their drama, their roller coaster . . . that we forget to take care of us. We lose weight . . . become depressed . . . get high blood pressure . . . go grey . . . get migraines . . . ulcers . . .have all kinds of ailments. Please find a local support group . . .Alanon . . . Naranon. Not only will you get real hugs, but also a regular opportunity to get away from and decompress from HIS monkeys and HIS show and be with people who know and understand. Of course, keep coming back here. Educate yourself about addiction. Read on this site "Ways Family Members Can Help," "What Not to Do," "Let Me Fall All by Myself," and "Will You Learn to Say No." Do something for your body: exercise . . . do yoga . . . swim . . .walk . . .just stretch. Talk to . . . spend time with friends. See a therapist, who is no more than a paid for friend, who you can vent to and share with . . . but who is trained to help you not get stuck.
In short. . . do what is necessary to love you as much as you love him . . . to treat yourself as well as you do him . . . to detach with love . . . to not enable. . . . and to get the support . . . and love . . and encouragement you need and deserve.
Sending hugs,
Lynn
xoxo
I'm the mom of a heroin addict . . .but I understand what you mean by wanting sobriety for your hubby more than he wants its.. . wanting him to realize the damage addiction has caused in his life . . .and how it is effecting you. It is wonderful that he is making progress with his addiction. The path to sobriety is never straight . . . or easy. . . for either the addict . . . or the ones who love him/her.
It sounds like you've been through so much with and for him. You are surely one strong cookie. You go girl! But . . .nothing will change . . . until you change. And, now is the time to change the dynamics between you all . . . to stop the threesome you, he and addiction have been having . . . shoot, to prevent the threesome from growing to a four-some . . . for you to detach with love . . . not only to protect you . . . but to also protect the innocent baby you are bringing into this world. I'm not suggesting that you drop kick him to the curb. Only you can make that decision. (Altho I divorced my daughter's bio father . . . while pregnant with her. Yea he was my high school sweetheart . . .and we hadn't even been married a year . . . but I was tired of his stealing, cheating and lying. Never having or keeping a job. Of putting me in harm's way. At the time . . . 23 years ago . . . I didn't know that he was an addict . . .and he has yet to admit it. but in hindsight he was. His drug of choice was coke.) Please set some boundaries and rules in your home, if you haven't done so already. Rules like: no getting high in the house; don't bring drug friends/buddies to the house; no drugs or drug stuff where you/baby can see or get access to. I'm sure other spouses/partners of addicts, or even addicts that are in relationships, will be on soon and may be able to share theirs.
It also sounds like you have correctly separated the finances. High fives!! I'm so glad that you have total control over paying for the things that will assure that you keep a roof over your head, your utilities on, and there is food in the fridge. BUT . . .The biggest thing that jumps out at me is that it sounds like he is free to spend his pay check on drugs. In this way, you are enabling his addiction. If he is not contributing to the rent, or food, or anything regarding his basic needs, he should start now. I'd ask him to give me $x per paycheck . . . call it rent . . . call it child support . . . call it whatever. But nobody gets to stay anywhere for free.
Finally . . . with all that is going on with your life, I want to encourage you to do whatever is necessary for your self-care. Often times, we love our addicts more than we love ourselves . . . what I mean is that we get so consumed with them, their battles, their drama, their roller coaster . . . that we forget to take care of us. We lose weight . . . become depressed . . . get high blood pressure . . . go grey . . . get migraines . . . ulcers . . .have all kinds of ailments. Please find a local support group . . .Alanon . . . Naranon. Not only will you get real hugs, but also a regular opportunity to get away from and decompress from HIS monkeys and HIS show and be with people who know and understand. Of course, keep coming back here. Educate yourself about addiction. Read on this site "Ways Family Members Can Help," "What Not to Do," "Let Me Fall All by Myself," and "Will You Learn to Say No." Do something for your body: exercise . . . do yoga . . . swim . . .walk . . .just stretch. Talk to . . . spend time with friends. See a therapist, who is no more than a paid for friend, who you can vent to and share with . . . but who is trained to help you not get stuck.
In short. . . do what is necessary to love you as much as you love him . . . to treat yourself as well as you do him . . . to detach with love . . . to not enable. . . . and to get the support . . . and love . . and encouragement you need and deserve.
Sending hugs,
Lynn
xoxo
HI - I will try to do a short post.... sounds similar to my son with the spending. he lives w gf. works full time. does not make it to the next check. Since April when he came back to live in our area, I do scoop off $200 per paycheck to pay his student loans. He does not like it and I dont like being the person "who takes his money" but as long as I do this, he is paying the loan, not me, and it is $200 a week NOT going on the street. HE should be managing his money - so some would say I am interfering w his recovery? I see it as saving myself from financial drain. He would not care about paying the student loans and they never go away.
My son still runs out of $$ and then gives us the sad face until we give him $20 for gas to get to work.... mind boggling - that he can not ensure he has enough gas $$ to get to work.... each week I hope it will change, so far, it does not.
I agree that you should decide on an amount your hb should give you for supporting the household. Direct Deposit to YOUR account. If he is joint on any of your accounts or credit cards, close them immediately. I would ask for half of his paycheck. you apply to bills, food and savings.
The hard part will be living with him while doing this. I am sure he will not like it and will badger you every time he wants money. this will be very difficult to live with.
You may be able to get out from under this situation by explaining that you will need to work less when the baby comes.... A. try getting half of his paycheck. If he does not comply, B. tell him you need to live with (family or a friend or situation that allows you to pay less expenses and gives you support for caring for your child) until after the baby is born and you are able to work full time - reasonable explanation, dont tell him you are 'leaving', unless he pushes you to that.
If he is not compliant, start making moves - packing some stuff and moving to a friend or family house or storage. but DO NOT Tell him, do not show your cards. He will always be one step ahead in a manipulating way. If he makes the situation uncomfortable, leave immediately and get a restraining order.
Next Thought - DO NOT allow him to watch the baby AT ALL, NEVER!
So sorry you have to go thru this... hugs.. XOXO
My son still runs out of $$ and then gives us the sad face until we give him $20 for gas to get to work.... mind boggling - that he can not ensure he has enough gas $$ to get to work.... each week I hope it will change, so far, it does not.
I agree that you should decide on an amount your hb should give you for supporting the household. Direct Deposit to YOUR account. If he is joint on any of your accounts or credit cards, close them immediately. I would ask for half of his paycheck. you apply to bills, food and savings.
The hard part will be living with him while doing this. I am sure he will not like it and will badger you every time he wants money. this will be very difficult to live with.
You may be able to get out from under this situation by explaining that you will need to work less when the baby comes.... A. try getting half of his paycheck. If he does not comply, B. tell him you need to live with (family or a friend or situation that allows you to pay less expenses and gives you support for caring for your child) until after the baby is born and you are able to work full time - reasonable explanation, dont tell him you are 'leaving', unless he pushes you to that.
If he is not compliant, start making moves - packing some stuff and moving to a friend or family house or storage. but DO NOT Tell him, do not show your cards. He will always be one step ahead in a manipulating way. If he makes the situation uncomfortable, leave immediately and get a restraining order.
Next Thought - DO NOT allow him to watch the baby AT ALL, NEVER!
So sorry you have to go thru this... hugs.. XOXO
