I am trying to write this down on here so I will have a quick reference whenever I need a slap like I did this weekend! I have it written down in my journal but the more I write it the more I am likely to remember how awful it felt, so here goes.
I took my last pill Ok I am still feeling ok I will just ride this last high out. actually I am feeling a bit nauseous from the pills but hell I will still take them no matter what
6 hours later and my body is ready for its next dose which I don't have Ok lets get to work.
I clean everything because I know I won't be doing much this next week.
I prepare my family with the I have the "flu" again.
I get thru the night thinking 95% of the time about the pills I flushed.
I take something to sleep but still don't get too much anyway. When I do sleep I dream about the pills. Oh my God what is this racing feeling in my body make it stop it's like the restless legs syndrome throughout my body
Next day nothing stays down YUCK!! I have visited the porcelain throne way too many times can you say "immodium"
Ah I hate this don't look at me! I hate this feeling I want to rip my skin off make the noices stop my head is pounding. What do you mean these kids have to eat "feed them cake" hee hee
I wish I wasn't so darn cranky my son just asked me for some of my noodles, I screamed at him "can't I have anything for myself" What the hell I would never have done that before and would have insulted anyone who had. Quick I hate the guilt quickly apologize to son and feel even worse about this quitting thing
The next night the chills/sweats hit. Why is it that your soaking wet but your feet are freezing I turn the fan on and off on and off, this is crazy.
I crave anything sweet and am eating junk but I can't help myself anything I can get in I will.
A few days later and many uncomfortable feelings later I am blue. I hate that what to look forward to without my pills??? I think this feeling will last a while.
Everyone i see on t.v or in my life I find myself saying "how did they get thru that ordeal without the help of pills? " I mean I just don't understand how people get thru life period without the "high" of pills. Roxy go back and read think about why you quit your life was consumed with pills all you did was think about how to get them where to get them who you could con or steal from your moody when on the pills you were vomiting at the end of this last bout of pills. Your face is aging, move on Roxy time to start a new life without pills.
Two weeks I am doing ok but was sick the whole weekend and you know that is ok because I need to feel that to keep this in perspective. I know I won't wake up one day and not want the pills it will always be there as sure as I will forever be a wife, mother, and daughter I too will be an addict for the rest of my life so deal with it!! But don't ever pick up another pill.
For now thats all hope this will keep me in check.
I know I won't wake up one day and not want the pills
Why not? It happens. I haven't wanted a pill in a very long time. That can happen for you to if you work for it. The longer you are clean the less you will think about pills. I remember the first time I went a day without thinking of them. I never thought it could happen either but it does. Yes, we will always be addicts but it's not a life sentence of dispair and misery. It really does get better, honey. I can do anything anyone else can do today. I just can't get high, not a big deal at all. The thoughts will stop. Honest. Just don't use no matter what.
Why not? It happens. I haven't wanted a pill in a very long time. That can happen for you to if you work for it. The longer you are clean the less you will think about pills. I remember the first time I went a day without thinking of them. I never thought it could happen either but it does. Yes, we will always be addicts but it's not a life sentence of dispair and misery. It really does get better, honey. I can do anything anyone else can do today. I just can't get high, not a big deal at all. The thoughts will stop. Honest. Just don't use no matter what.
Thanks Kat I know right now I won't use it is the 6 months clean time I worry about. You know like an abusive lover you forget the bad times and only remember the good times you know?
I'll just keep posting and praying
Roxy
I'll just keep posting and praying
Roxy
Just keep playing the tape all the way to the end. It will not be any better if we pick up but it sure as hell can be worse. You'll be ok, Roxy.
I actually woke up one day, around day 5, and felt for the first time that I did not want or need a pill. There would be days in the future where I did want them, but they become easy to dismiss after a while. Roxy, I dont know how much, how long or what you were taking. Im sure that has a lot to do with how long the withdrawals take. But I clearly remember the day I woke up and realized I slept a few hours, I had some energy and my body was not in that edgy, hot/cold way. I remember smiling as if I won the lottery because I knew the worst of the physical withdrawals were behind me. I now had the chance to begin a life without needing a pill to do every little thing. You should have a day like that any day now. When you do, take advantage of it. Relish in the fact you feel healthy and can smile again. If you are serious about living a healthier life, one that can be happy and rewarding without the life sucking aspect of pills, do it a day at a time. "Nothing new can come into your life until you are grateful for what you have". Start each day with a prayer thankful for the things you DO have. Be thankful you have this chance now to life a clean life. Build from there. I think it was Stacey who said she needed a pill in order to make shopping fun. Boy did that describe me as well. You wonder if you can ever do even the basic things without the help of your little "friends" (those backstabbers!) And I am here to tell you that you can and will! I honestly dont think anything could make me want to add pills to my life today. My life is honest, healthy and MINE. Please add gratitude to your life. It will make a huge difference as you begin your life clean.
Hi Roxy...
Be gentle with yourself and try not to future trip...stay in today and enjoy the good moments...I agree with Kat, there did come a day when I didn't think about the pills and now, today, when life hands me difficult situations, I don't think about using (it's not an option...lol, Teresa), I immediately think about who can I call to help get me through this and I pray....
Thank you for sharing and I do understand that 6 month mark further down the road...I was getting good at racking up clean time, only to lapse at 4-6 month marks and it started frustrating me so bad that I did it different this last time around....make yourself accountable and I highly recommend f2f support. This board has some knowledge and can help get you started, but for me, to be serious about recovery, I had to get honest, open & willing and get f2f support....
You are doing awesome Roxy....
Take care,
Stacey
Be gentle with yourself and try not to future trip...stay in today and enjoy the good moments...I agree with Kat, there did come a day when I didn't think about the pills and now, today, when life hands me difficult situations, I don't think about using (it's not an option...lol, Teresa), I immediately think about who can I call to help get me through this and I pray....
Thank you for sharing and I do understand that 6 month mark further down the road...I was getting good at racking up clean time, only to lapse at 4-6 month marks and it started frustrating me so bad that I did it different this last time around....make yourself accountable and I highly recommend f2f support. This board has some knowledge and can help get you started, but for me, to be serious about recovery, I had to get honest, open & willing and get f2f support....
You are doing awesome Roxy....
Take care,
Stacey
