I look at my little baby girl, all pink and warm, sleeping peacefully, and I think of all the things I want for her, and all I want to protect her from. I want her to always know that she is loved, that she is beautiful, and that she deserves happiness. I never want her to feel scared, and alone, and like she doesn't belong. When she is older, and some piece of s*** guy puts her down, and tries to make her feel as if she is ugly and worthless, I want her to have the self belief to know that she's not dirt, and when some arse hole slaps her about, I want her to walk away and never look back.
How can I give her those things when I can't even do it for myself?
Her daddy may love her, but God forbid she ever love a man like him.
Diff,
In you she will get all the love she needs to carry, teach, and help her through this life! You have helped give her life which is a great start. What you have given her thus far is safety, warmth, and care which will help her grow on a daily basis. On the day of her both you got the greatest gift that this life has to offer(unless you plan to have more)! All of what you give and all that you (were and)are will serve as armor for her from making poor choices. I could go on and on with what you have to offer your daughter and on a daily basis you like all loving parents will guide(from your choices both good and bad)and give your very best!
In you she will get all the love she needs to carry, teach, and help her through this life! You have helped give her life which is a great start. What you have given her thus far is safety, warmth, and care which will help her grow on a daily basis. On the day of her both you got the greatest gift that this life has to offer(unless you plan to have more)! All of what you give and all that you (were and)are will serve as armor for her from making poor choices. I could go on and on with what you have to offer your daughter and on a daily basis you like all loving parents will guide(from your choices both good and bad)and give your very best!
Diff,
The truth of the matter is that she will learn from example - she will interiorize that as long as she is loved, cared for and protected in an environement where there is a man who slaps her mother around, that tells her mother she is worhtless and dumb...than she will carry that around with her as alright - if her mother does nt take that kind of s*** from anybody or anyone than she will interiorize that it is not alright. She will learn form from what she sees because she will not be able for a long, long time to rationalize any of this out.
Even if you are intellegent and strong and can take what ever this a** dishes out, she may not......its not fair to expect her too.
The truth of the matter is that she will learn from example - she will interiorize that as long as she is loved, cared for and protected in an environement where there is a man who slaps her mother around, that tells her mother she is worhtless and dumb...than she will carry that around with her as alright - if her mother does nt take that kind of s*** from anybody or anyone than she will interiorize that it is not alright. She will learn form from what she sees because she will not be able for a long, long time to rationalize any of this out.
Even if you are intellegent and strong and can take what ever this a** dishes out, she may not......its not fair to expect her too.
Dearest Diff,
AMEN GYAC. Don't think there is much more to say. He has covered it all. You are an awesome girl by what I can tell from your posts. So what if you fell in love with a jerk?? I think we have all done that in our lives!!! I am in love with a heroin addict. Just always try to remember that you will do your best to always give her what she NEEDS, but you may not always be able to give her everything she WANTS. Instill those values in her and she will be as wonderful, deep and spiritual as her Mom. She's a lucky little girl to have a strong woman like you for a Mommy!!!!
MUCH LOVE,
D
AMEN GYAC. Don't think there is much more to say. He has covered it all. You are an awesome girl by what I can tell from your posts. So what if you fell in love with a jerk?? I think we have all done that in our lives!!! I am in love with a heroin addict. Just always try to remember that you will do your best to always give her what she NEEDS, but you may not always be able to give her everything she WANTS. Instill those values in her and she will be as wonderful, deep and spiritual as her Mom. She's a lucky little girl to have a strong woman like you for a Mommy!!!!
MUCH LOVE,
D
I agree with all posts. She will pick up on what is going on around her even if you think she is too young to notice anything. I didnt think the whole situation with my partner would affect my daughter but I have seen a big difference in her since I secluded myself from him problems and no longer let myself get down and stressed. You can protect her, lover her and provide for her but what she will has grown up with will be normal for her. Who can say whether she will meet an a** hole or not but if she does then its more than likely that she will accept this behavour as you have and your her mum so it must be right. Just speaking from experience history almost always repeats itself.
She needs to know that what her daddy does to you is wrong, how you choose to do that is your choice, but I think to teach someone to gain self respect you need to gain it yourself first.
You are a lovely, caring, loving woman and dont let anyone tell you different just dont make the mistake I did and let the badness in your life affect your child. Although they might not be around to hear or see whats going on they still pick up on an atmosphere and it still affects them. Children arent as stupid as you would expect. I am amazed at what my daughter has picked up in just 14 months of life. Its amazing.
I understand how hard it is to get out of a relationship where these things happen, but I have no doubt in my mind that youwill do the right thing.
I am sure you will do a great job and its many many years before you have to worry about all that stuff, although being a mum myself I always think the same questions over and over in my head and it scares me to death but who knows what the future holds?? You just got to take each day as it comes and just do your very best to protect them from this evil life.
Take care hun. Love, hugs and kisses. BunnyRocker xx
She needs to know that what her daddy does to you is wrong, how you choose to do that is your choice, but I think to teach someone to gain self respect you need to gain it yourself first.
You are a lovely, caring, loving woman and dont let anyone tell you different just dont make the mistake I did and let the badness in your life affect your child. Although they might not be around to hear or see whats going on they still pick up on an atmosphere and it still affects them. Children arent as stupid as you would expect. I am amazed at what my daughter has picked up in just 14 months of life. Its amazing.
I understand how hard it is to get out of a relationship where these things happen, but I have no doubt in my mind that youwill do the right thing.
I am sure you will do a great job and its many many years before you have to worry about all that stuff, although being a mum myself I always think the same questions over and over in my head and it scares me to death but who knows what the future holds?? You just got to take each day as it comes and just do your very best to protect them from this evil life.
Take care hun. Love, hugs and kisses. BunnyRocker xx
Hi Diff,
Funny how your daughter is even a month old and the worry starts already. The maternal instinct to protect is very strong and kicks in immediately- but
The sad truth is the immoral and corrupt conditioning process of society is not going to change. It is the our responsibility (as parents) to do whatever it takes to bring positive values and principles to our children . Whatever we must do ,so that they become honest and upright individuals in a world that is becoming more complex every day.
If we dont talk to them about the trash going on in the world, they wont know anything else other than what they see and have been taught by society. This damages everyone in the long run, not just our kids.
You,ll do fine- she is fortunate that she has a strong,intelligent mom to guide her through, especially with the life lessons you have learned.
Peace,love ,and diapers
jack
Funny how your daughter is even a month old and the worry starts already. The maternal instinct to protect is very strong and kicks in immediately- but
The sad truth is the immoral and corrupt conditioning process of society is not going to change. It is the our responsibility (as parents) to do whatever it takes to bring positive values and principles to our children . Whatever we must do ,so that they become honest and upright individuals in a world that is becoming more complex every day.
If we dont talk to them about the trash going on in the world, they wont know anything else other than what they see and have been taught by society. This damages everyone in the long run, not just our kids.
You,ll do fine- she is fortunate that she has a strong,intelligent mom to guide her through, especially with the life lessons you have learned.
Peace,love ,and diapers
jack
"How can I give her those things when I can't even do it for myself?"
C'mon Diff,
the operative word here is 'won't'....'can't'...is a word most addicts use as an excuse not to stop using...i have been on this Addiction Recovery site for more than 2 years and i have seen you struggle when you used the word 'can't' as an excuse not to get clean...but deep down you knew you could...even with a dual diagnosis of having BPD which i am afflicted with myself...i posted on the other message board that i made 20 years clean on Saturday and 20 years back i used to feel i couldn't get clean but it was just an excuse because i didn't really want to.
my ex bf was even more abusive than your current one and i ain't out of the woods yet but it is getting to a point that he will call...as in this past week
.....four times and as lonely as i am i just wouldn't pick up the phone because i am tired of being on the receiving end for all HIS whacked out insecurities and self hatred...using me and any other vulnerable woman as a target for his own personal feelings of inadequacy.
sorry Diff....but don't be using your little baby girl as a 'soft spot' to have folks pity the horrible situation that you CHOOSE to stay in and your little girl is becoming the defenseless 'victim' as well because you refuse to change...
and it ain't because you can't....you are too comfortable so you 'won't'
aw..you know all this bullsh** already..like any other
'addiction' you haven't 'hit' (no pun intended) your
bottom yet with this dude..
love ya MARY
C'mon Diff,
the operative word here is 'won't'....'can't'...is a word most addicts use as an excuse not to stop using...i have been on this Addiction Recovery site for more than 2 years and i have seen you struggle when you used the word 'can't' as an excuse not to get clean...but deep down you knew you could...even with a dual diagnosis of having BPD which i am afflicted with myself...i posted on the other message board that i made 20 years clean on Saturday and 20 years back i used to feel i couldn't get clean but it was just an excuse because i didn't really want to.
my ex bf was even more abusive than your current one and i ain't out of the woods yet but it is getting to a point that he will call...as in this past week
.....four times and as lonely as i am i just wouldn't pick up the phone because i am tired of being on the receiving end for all HIS whacked out insecurities and self hatred...using me and any other vulnerable woman as a target for his own personal feelings of inadequacy.
sorry Diff....but don't be using your little baby girl as a 'soft spot' to have folks pity the horrible situation that you CHOOSE to stay in and your little girl is becoming the defenseless 'victim' as well because you refuse to change...
and it ain't because you can't....you are too comfortable so you 'won't'
aw..you know all this bullsh** already..like any other
'addiction' you haven't 'hit' (no pun intended) your
bottom yet with this dude..
love ya MARY
Dear Diff,
I came from a home filled with love BUT my father was an alcoholic which caused it's share of chaos. If he drank moderately, which he could do about 75% of the time, he was okay...you just had to try not to aggitate him and let him do his own thing. When he drank too much, his personality changed big time. And probably at least once a month, usually on a Friday, you could count on him not coming home...he'd go on a binge. My mom always worried that when he was out drunk that he might not realize what he was doing and he'd be with someone else. It pretty much ruined their marriage because the trust wasn't there.
Being a child of an alcoholic, there is NO WAY I could survive being married to a man who drinks. It would be a trigger for worrying. Even not married to a drinker, I struggle with giving myself totally to a man because I have a problem with trusting men. There is always this little piece of me that no one will get because I won't let anyone destroy me by walking out on me. I know it probably sounds strange and it might not be related to the drinking. I was VERY close to my dad and he worked on a "camp train" about 45 minutes away from where we lived, so often I didn't see him all week and being little I didn't understand why. I just missed him SO MUCH! That might also be the reason I have separation anxiety. I fear something will happen to my loved ones and we'll never see each other again. I don't know which of these problems is associated with the alcoholism, I just know it's not normal behavior and except for the alcoholism (which caused a LOT of fighting in the home) and the being away for extended periods for work I had a GREAT famiy who did a LOT together and had a LOT of happy memories. My sister, who is older than me, suffers with the separation anxiety as well. My brother, who was born shortly before my father was healed of his alcoholism when my sister and I were 18 and 14, doesn't suffer from it.
Please do all that you can to provide a safe, peaceful, and loving home for your daughter. She can't make the decision to leave him, but YOU can (for her sake AND yours).
Love,
Susan
I came from a home filled with love BUT my father was an alcoholic which caused it's share of chaos. If he drank moderately, which he could do about 75% of the time, he was okay...you just had to try not to aggitate him and let him do his own thing. When he drank too much, his personality changed big time. And probably at least once a month, usually on a Friday, you could count on him not coming home...he'd go on a binge. My mom always worried that when he was out drunk that he might not realize what he was doing and he'd be with someone else. It pretty much ruined their marriage because the trust wasn't there.
Being a child of an alcoholic, there is NO WAY I could survive being married to a man who drinks. It would be a trigger for worrying. Even not married to a drinker, I struggle with giving myself totally to a man because I have a problem with trusting men. There is always this little piece of me that no one will get because I won't let anyone destroy me by walking out on me. I know it probably sounds strange and it might not be related to the drinking. I was VERY close to my dad and he worked on a "camp train" about 45 minutes away from where we lived, so often I didn't see him all week and being little I didn't understand why. I just missed him SO MUCH! That might also be the reason I have separation anxiety. I fear something will happen to my loved ones and we'll never see each other again. I don't know which of these problems is associated with the alcoholism, I just know it's not normal behavior and except for the alcoholism (which caused a LOT of fighting in the home) and the being away for extended periods for work I had a GREAT famiy who did a LOT together and had a LOT of happy memories. My sister, who is older than me, suffers with the separation anxiety as well. My brother, who was born shortly before my father was healed of his alcoholism when my sister and I were 18 and 14, doesn't suffer from it.
Please do all that you can to provide a safe, peaceful, and loving home for your daughter. She can't make the decision to leave him, but YOU can (for her sake AND yours).
Love,
Susan
Diff..this is purely my angle but ..please get away from this abusive relationship asap for your and yer daughters sake.My own father was abusive towards my ma and also an alcoholic..eventually after 15yrs.of marriage she left but me my bro and ma were all affected in our own ways.Then i began a relationship with another addict and we had a child together..rows,tension and a basic vibe of love was missing..so we went our separate ways..Sians mum rarely sees her ..as she is still an active addict.Its just me&my 7yr.old girl..and we do just fine together...Diff you know you and Rowanne deserve much,much more than you are getting from this man.Early days now Diff..i know but hopefully you have some plan in that eternily intelligent noggin of yours for just you and your super lil girl.As ever take care to you both........Davey
Hi - thanks for all your brutal honesty. Y'all know I'm a big fan of brutal honesty - life's far too short to be fannying about. Anyway, I was up most of last night, partly because I was upset and thinking about the situation, and partly because my little rug rat woke up at 4.30 and wouldn't go back to sleep. You probably guessed that he went off on one at me last night after having too much to drink. He wasn't violent (unless you count throwing all his clothes at me - lol) but just being really nasty and verbally abusive. But the fear of violence is almost as bad as the violence itself, and although I don't believe he'd hurt the baby, I was afraid for her. I picked her up from her crib and snuck downstairs with her, and he came after me, shouting at me to leave the baby upstairs. But I think he realised that as far the baby goes, all bets are off, normal rules do not apply, and if he ever tried to take her off me, I'd be straight on the phone to the law, I'd wake up the whole damned street - he'd have to kill me to let him take her off me. Anyway he went back upstairs and left us alone, and eventually I went to bed.
Sooo, this morning comes. The baby goes back to sleep at about 7, so I get some shut eye. I know he's feeling guilty, coz he keeps sneaking in quietly and thinks about getting into bed with me, but changes his mind (I'm a very light sleeper these days). When the baby wakes I get up. He's trying to get back in my good books, offering me breakfast etc, but it ain't happening. I'm polite but distant. Eventually he says "you're going to leave, aren't you?" I concurred. We had a discussion, and I told him that it wasn't even about me and what I felt anymore, it was about our daughter, and how I couldn't let him damage her, and as her mother, I had to protect her, coz I never want her to feel the way he makes me feel. Ugly, worthless, used and scared. He must have felt very ashamed. He agreed with me, that he was a complete b****** to me, that he treated me very badly, and things couldn't continue, that our little girl had to come first. He asked me if I was going to go to women's refuge - I don't have too many options. Anyway, after talking a bit, we decided that I'm going to light a fuse under the housing officers arse, coz they shoulda rehoused me ages ago, and in the mean time, I'll take Rowanne on a little tour of the family, to get some space from him. And if I am home, then he's not going to drink. It's a step in the right direction, but I don't know if he'll stick to his side of the bargain. He's said sorry so many times that it doesn't mean much any more.
But on a brighter note, Rowanne had her first fit of giggles today. I took her in the bath with me, and she loved it, she was grinning from ear to ear, and was really laughing. She's the most adorable kid ever! I love her soooo much!
love
diff x
Sooo, this morning comes. The baby goes back to sleep at about 7, so I get some shut eye. I know he's feeling guilty, coz he keeps sneaking in quietly and thinks about getting into bed with me, but changes his mind (I'm a very light sleeper these days). When the baby wakes I get up. He's trying to get back in my good books, offering me breakfast etc, but it ain't happening. I'm polite but distant. Eventually he says "you're going to leave, aren't you?" I concurred. We had a discussion, and I told him that it wasn't even about me and what I felt anymore, it was about our daughter, and how I couldn't let him damage her, and as her mother, I had to protect her, coz I never want her to feel the way he makes me feel. Ugly, worthless, used and scared. He must have felt very ashamed. He agreed with me, that he was a complete b****** to me, that he treated me very badly, and things couldn't continue, that our little girl had to come first. He asked me if I was going to go to women's refuge - I don't have too many options. Anyway, after talking a bit, we decided that I'm going to light a fuse under the housing officers arse, coz they shoulda rehoused me ages ago, and in the mean time, I'll take Rowanne on a little tour of the family, to get some space from him. And if I am home, then he's not going to drink. It's a step in the right direction, but I don't know if he'll stick to his side of the bargain. He's said sorry so many times that it doesn't mean much any more.
But on a brighter note, Rowanne had her first fit of giggles today. I took her in the bath with me, and she loved it, she was grinning from ear to ear, and was really laughing. She's the most adorable kid ever! I love her soooo much!
love
diff x
Dear Diff,
I'm glad you got to talk to him calmly and that he realizes things HAVE to change. Like you, I'm not banking on it, but there is always hope. Maybe with some counseling he could be a decent guy...I don't know...but has he is now, it's not safe for you or her. Light that candle under the housing authority. They should have had something else for you by now!
Who are you planning to go visit? Sounds like fun!
Love,
Susan
I'm glad you got to talk to him calmly and that he realizes things HAVE to change. Like you, I'm not banking on it, but there is always hope. Maybe with some counseling he could be a decent guy...I don't know...but has he is now, it's not safe for you or her. Light that candle under the housing authority. They should have had something else for you by now!
Who are you planning to go visit? Sounds like fun!
Love,
Susan
Hey, Diff. 24 years ago I had a beautiful little girl...just like you. I had been with her father for five years. In that five years, I suffered more than I like to admit. Yet within a month of her birth, I was gone. To this day I do not know what gave me the strength. Before her I had a zillion excuses not to leave him. The day I had her, I lay in the hospital ALONE, whilst he had a party back at the house. I guess for the most part I'd made up my mind then; yet still I waited for the SCENE...it only took less than a month, and I was gone. Scared s***lless and only 21 years old, all that ran through my mind was how I didn't want her to grow up seeing me getting beat up, verbally or physically...cause I didn't want that for her. I had the regrets that we all have...it should have been different, no man will ever love her like her dad, I should have gave it more time..blah, blah, blah. He went on to have three more children, three more moms that left because of abuse. I made the right choice. And though my duaghter felt the void of her father (his choice..too busy drinking to care), I'd rather her have felt that than grown up expecting to be abused like her mom. I know just how impossible it seems to pack up and go..and I won't lie and tell you it's easy. What I will tell you is :putting my own fears aside and living feeling lonely and feeling that no one else would want me cause I had a child already and all the hardship of rasing her alone that came after was worth every single ounce of hardship...because I left for her sake. For whatever reason, I couldn't leave for my own sake..but when it came to her I found the strength. I pray that you will too, Diff. You both deserve so much more. Let me add, that I listened to him beg and plead and be regretful for a solid year after I left...and in the end he had three more kids and abused three more women....and hurt three more children. Some people just are who they are, and it's going to be up to you to teach your little pink bundle that she deserves the best. Best of luck to you. luv corrinne
Davey,
WOW........your words mirrored my upbringing to the letter!
Diff,
Grant it....he may not have hit you BUT those words can certainly deliver some heavy blows breaking the spirit and peace of mind you need first and formost for yourself and then for that beautiful girl you a raising........YOU matter most!
D.
WOW........your words mirrored my upbringing to the letter!
Diff,
Grant it....he may not have hit you BUT those words can certainly deliver some heavy blows breaking the spirit and peace of mind you need first and formost for yourself and then for that beautiful girl you a raising........YOU matter most!
D.
Dear Diff,
Curious how he did nt say he would do his level best to make this stop, to get help, to do anything to change this....curious how he made it pretty clear that you are the one who has to make the changes, how you are the one who has to stay out of his way.....
Girl take this moment of clarity and run with it. You are out of excuses, out of hope that he will be any different - that he willl make changes to at least be a father - you cant get a clearer message than this....
Curious how he did nt say he would do his level best to make this stop, to get help, to do anything to change this....curious how he made it pretty clear that you are the one who has to make the changes, how you are the one who has to stay out of his way.....
Girl take this moment of clarity and run with it. You are out of excuses, out of hope that he will be any different - that he willl make changes to at least be a father - you cant get a clearer message than this....
Diff: your so strong and I'm proud for you that you let him know your leaving.... you need to stick to your guns on this issue. Your child can bring out things in you that you never felt before it is a awsome bond. My 11 year old son's dad was a jerk I left him i was 18 and raised our kid alone in a one room apartment. No child support no family my mom moved 5 states away. It was he and I... it was a real learning experience. It was so ungodly hard we made it and i'm closer to him then my other two kids. We only had each other. You know in your heart she only has you that means you got to do what's right for her. It will all be alright.
Dear Diff,
When are we going to see some more pictures of that beautiful baby girls of yours? We sure could use some positive posts around here! Hope things are going better for you!
Love,
Susan
When are we going to see some more pictures of that beautiful baby girls of yours? We sure could use some positive posts around here! Hope things are going better for you!
Love,
Susan
Well I have kind of been hoping she took off to be wiht family......hopefully she will be able to pop in and let us know she is ok and away from that git........git, se i stole a word from you corrinne, I like that word
Dear MsTres,
I was hoping she did as well, but I thought she might be able to stay in touch since so many people have computers these days.
I think Corrinne is going to have to change her name for Darin if this loser has the same name. These no way they are in any way similar!
Love,
susan
I was hoping she did as well, but I thought she might be able to stay in touch since so many people have computers these days.
I think Corrinne is going to have to change her name for Darin if this loser has the same name. These no way they are in any way similar!
Love,
susan
Hey, Girls. No word from Diff yet...hope they're all okay. Oh, Git is the perfect name for that guy..that's what's so funny about calling Darin a Git..it's so far from who he is that it's funny to call him a GIT. It's a word we'd get in trouble using back in Scotland..that and COW, if you can believe that. Anyway, hope Diff pops on soon. It's so hard being a new mom period without having so much stress. luv corrinne
Hi guys, sorry to have left you in suspenders (lol)! Everything is cool with me. I'm just really busy, and find it hard to get time on the pc. But my baby girl is doing well, and I'm feeling a lot happier. Still haven't gone on my trip - my mum is away with friends this weekend, and I don't want to go to my sisters whilst she isn't there as well, coz my sister seems to be going loopy, (another story). Anyway, I'm all fine and dandy, and hope you are too!
love
Diff xxx
love
Diff xxx
