I don't understand why I am so impatient . . .and angry . . .and concerned about my best friend. Let's call her Betty. I know addiction. . .I know how it morphs people. . .I know how it controls one's life. . .I know. But I am furious with Betty. . .and I damn sure don't want to have a new relationship with addiction. I'm still dealing with my relationship and Jill.
I've known Betty 15+ years. We drank together socially when our kids were young. Okay. . .we got tore up together from time to time. When we hung out it was almost always at a bar. We used to joke about whether we were drunks, lushes or alcoholics. That was just a joke I thought for both of us bc I thought we were both going to work & being productive. . .it never got so bad that I had a hangover the next day. Somewhere in the past 15+ years Betty's drinking got out of control. I saw signs of it. She would come to my house for parties & get togethers and she wouldn't have one or two drinks. She'd have soooo many that we lost count. . . She has fallen asleep. . .mouth open, slobbering and resting her head. . .on too many of my guest's shoulders.
She knows she has embarrassed herself in front of just about all of my close friends and family on several occasions. Everybody we know has a Betty story that occurred at our house. So we stopped inviting her to events where there would be liquor and I stopped going out to bars with her . . . and we told her why. But when J passed Betty was by my side the whole time. (Thanks B!!!) That's when I saw how bad her drinking has gotten. She has blackouts. . .she has no memory of her bad behavior. She has admitted that except for the time she was pregnant with her 4 kids she drank. She started when her mom told her at the age of 5 to bring the mom a beer & Betty could have one for herself. Betty is now 57.
I've been talking to Betty about her addiction. Suggested AA. Suggested inpatient programs. . .even sent her pictures of the first one J went to which was absolutely lovely. Suggested outpatient programs. Suggested therapists & shrinks. BUT told her that only she was in control. Betty said she was cutting back on her drinking. . .on her own. . .with a view to stopping cold turkey. I noticed that she is losing weight . . .is eating like a bird. . .she is shaking like a leaf . . .and she looks like crap.
Well. . .Betty came to my house on Christmas night. She seemed sober. She wasn't slurring her words. . .didn't smell like alcohol . . .was walking straight. She left around midnight. . .all she had to drink here was a beer or two. . .we all remarked about how little she drank & that she was sober. Were we wrong!!! Betty got into a car accident on her way home. Her BAC was 0.25!!! She broke several bones. . .they had to wait to operate for her blood alcohol level to go down. Thank God. . .No one else was injured.
I guess alcohol is my new addiction. Now. . .you would think that with my history & experience with addiction, I would be compassionate, empathetic, understanding, right?? HELL NO. . .I'm mad as hell. I'm mad at Betty. Not sure why. . .but my conversations with her aren't warm and fuzzy. They are very very sarcastic. I told her that the joke was over. . .she needed to get a grip on reality. . .she's got a BIG problem. . .and now she has injured herself bc of her drinking. . .when is she going to change. . .or maybe she should just tell me what dress she wants to be buried in. Ok. . .I'm mean.
C'mon now. . .do I really need a new addiction????? I'm trying to have faith. . .I'm trying to remember that God would never give me more than I can handle. . .but a new addiction . . .NOW??? I enjoy being distracted from thinking of J . . .but I wanted to be entertained by going to the movies or watching TV . . .Can't I get a break for a minute??? Or do I have a neon sign on my forehead that says, "All Addicts are Welcome."? WTH. . .
I'm pissed at the doctors. They told the family that they could tell by her body that she is an alcoholic. Do you know they prescribed morphine to her???? Yup. . .they sent her home with 2 types of morphine drugs. Huh??? What are they thinking. . .Are they trying to get her to trade alcohol for pills??
Of course I care. . .of course I am worried. . .Of course I feel like it is deja vue. I'm not enabling (altho I have made excuses for her to her job). . .ok. . .I don't enable much. I am not trying to fix it or control her. . .I just give her information and resources. I just wish I was more understanding and compassionate and patient. . .
Sorry just had to vent.
Lynn
Lynn, Codependent behavior is learned and hard to unlearn. We are the rescuers. We feel obligated to fix people. My dad was an alcoholic so I grew up in a disfunctional family. I swore things would be different when I had a family. When my son started using drugs I freaked out. I knew how bad things could get and sure enough they got there no matter how hard I tried to change the outcome. Point is I almost immediately assumed that role just like I had never even left my parents home. I didn't notice it because it felt familiar. What my son was doing made me extremely sad but it gave me a cause...if that makes any sense. I think I actually caused my son's problems to become worse by the things I did. I was doing normal parenting in the beginning but it morphed into something else over time. The point I am trying to make is that you just went through hell with everything that happened with your daughter. I think you should be very careful and protect yourself. You deserve some happiness yourself. I think it is ok to be a bit selfish even though it is against everything I was taught. You may not be able to save your friend but being truthful about her addiction and giving her information is good. Sounds like she has a family that is closer to the situation than you are and they are on the front lines. Help them help her if that does any good. You don't need to take on any more heartaches and unhappiness. It is not your lot in life to be an addict magnet. Maybe you are so mad at her because you are really mad at yourself for feeling obligated to help and you really feel like you don't want to be involved in it all.
Back in the old days, you could go to court and have someone put into detox involuntarily if they were a danger to themselves. Maybe because of her dangerous physical condition, blackouts, and car wreck her family could involuntarily have her put in the hospital. I am assuming they have medical insurance.
Remember Betty has to help herself.
Back in the old days, you could go to court and have someone put into detox involuntarily if they were a danger to themselves. Maybe because of her dangerous physical condition, blackouts, and car wreck her family could involuntarily have her put in the hospital. I am assuming they have medical insurance.
Remember Betty has to help herself.
Thanks so much Bugs. . .I was wondering what was wrong with me. . .I think you hit the nail on the head. . .and put the mirror to my face. Reality is a mother clucker. As hard as it was to read I needed to hear what you said. Thank you!!! Yes, rescue/fix-it mode is familiar . . .perhaps even safe . . . at least one feels useful. Old habits do die hard. . .but I personally am PISSED with addiction . . . I'm ready to don my Vaseline & sneakers, hunt addiction down and give it an old-fashioned tail whooping. . .I want to release my anger, frustration and pain. . .in a physical , primitive way. Since addiction doesn't fight fair, neither will I. . . I'll use a bat, a broken bottle, a gun. . .anything . . . (growing up on the South Side of Chicago has its benefits when it comes to fighting dirty ;-). . .because I want to win. . .this time.
You are right it is not my place nor my battle to fight Betty's addiction. But I don't want addiction to take another person . . . no less another person in my life. Isn't that selfish???
I am petrified that if I focused on me I'd curl back into the little non-functioning, depressed, deflated and defeated blob I was when it first happened. Keeping busy. . .being distracted are GOOD things. 'Nough said. . .
I am going to take my own advice, tho, and give myself a vacation from addiction. . . from being angry, frustrated and hurt. . .to love and be loved without reservation or doubt or fear. . .to take a break.
Love you guys. . .thanks for listening to me rant & rave. . .please keep me & hubby in your prayers. . .and Betty, too.
Lynn
You are right it is not my place nor my battle to fight Betty's addiction. But I don't want addiction to take another person . . . no less another person in my life. Isn't that selfish???
I am petrified that if I focused on me I'd curl back into the little non-functioning, depressed, deflated and defeated blob I was when it first happened. Keeping busy. . .being distracted are GOOD things. 'Nough said. . .
I am going to take my own advice, tho, and give myself a vacation from addiction. . . from being angry, frustrated and hurt. . .to love and be loved without reservation or doubt or fear. . .to take a break.
Love you guys. . .thanks for listening to me rant & rave. . .please keep me & hubby in your prayers. . .and Betty, too.
Lynn
Lynn,
I'm sorry about your friend. You know better than to think you have any control over what she does. You've talked to her, you've told her about AA, you've expressed your concern....now it's time to put the ball in her court. Just because she's a friend and not a relative doesn't mean there still shouldn't be consequences for her actions. You need to establish guidelines as to how you will be a part of her life and stick to them. Of course, this is just my opinion.
Hugs to you. I know the holidays had to be very hard for you. I can't even imagine...
Michelle
I'm sorry about your friend. You know better than to think you have any control over what she does. You've talked to her, you've told her about AA, you've expressed your concern....now it's time to put the ball in her court. Just because she's a friend and not a relative doesn't mean there still shouldn't be consequences for her actions. You need to establish guidelines as to how you will be a part of her life and stick to them. Of course, this is just my opinion.
Hugs to you. I know the holidays had to be very hard for you. I can't even imagine...
Michelle
You are absolutely right Shell . . .time to go back to not enabling, detaching with love and letting her fall by herself. . .logical Lynn is back. . .Yes, me and my Louisville Slugger still want some alone time with addiction. . .lol. . .but . . .let ME repeat the 3 Cs. . .I can't battle addiction for my friend. . .just like we can't battle it for our kids or partners or loved ones.
Boundaries???? Hmmm. . . you know I think it is easier to set boundaries with relatives. . .with Betty there's no money changing hands . . .she's retired with a great pension. . .she has her own house & car. . .the only thing I can think of is no drinking with or around her. . .this will mean that she will be cut out of all get togethers & parties at my house . . .we always have alcohol. This may also mean that I don't see her much anymore. . .when I've suggested non-bar like activities. . .going to the mall, to the movies, for a walk. . .she declines. I no longer buy her shot glasses or bottle openers or anything to do with drinking as gifts. What else? I'll take any and all other suggestions re boundaries.
Hmmm. . .I think I need a refresher course. . .time to re-read Ways Family Members Can Help . . .
Thanks for the reality check. I hope your holidays were peaceful & happy, Shell.
Here's wishing that everyone's 2017 is peaceful, happy & blessed.
Lynn
Boundaries???? Hmmm. . . you know I think it is easier to set boundaries with relatives. . .with Betty there's no money changing hands . . .she's retired with a great pension. . .she has her own house & car. . .the only thing I can think of is no drinking with or around her. . .this will mean that she will be cut out of all get togethers & parties at my house . . .we always have alcohol. This may also mean that I don't see her much anymore. . .when I've suggested non-bar like activities. . .going to the mall, to the movies, for a walk. . .she declines. I no longer buy her shot glasses or bottle openers or anything to do with drinking as gifts. What else? I'll take any and all other suggestions re boundaries.
Hmmm. . .I think I need a refresher course. . .time to re-read Ways Family Members Can Help . . .
Thanks for the reality check. I hope your holidays were peaceful & happy, Shell.
Here's wishing that everyone's 2017 is peaceful, happy & blessed.
Lynn
Addiction is an SOB and I understand the anger. It can get anyone if we aren't on guard. Sneaky SOB...Take a couple of whacks with that bat for me. lol
We hate it so badly but then we dance around with it for years when it tries to take people we care about. Go figure...
We hate it so badly but then we dance around with it for years when it tries to take people we care about. Go figure...
