Hi all
I was going to stay off the boards a while longer but something has happened I need toshare.
Wednesday night I confronted my husband about what is going on with his moods and he finally confessed that about 2 weeks ago he had got drunk and in a dark mood he had gone and racked up almost $4,000 in gambling debts in one night.
He had a bad gambling problem before but its been under control for nearly 8 years now, so I was devastated that he'd done this.
I actually ended up going to my AA meeting that night and talked to my sponsor and 2 other members about it as well.
Then I told my husband I could no longer live with him like this that this stuff was going to destroy my recovery and I wanted a separation. We talked (and guys in all of this I never got angry, I never lost my temper, never raised my voice or was critical one bit). I was upset and cried and stuff but I was pretty rational and calm in how I handled it I think. I didn't ask why why why or anything.
I did ask what was going on in his head to make him do that. He said that it would upset me but he did it so I would hate him enough to make me leave him.
This was the most upsetting and I asked why did he not just leave if he wanted to leave, why do something insane like that. He said, cause in his heart he didn't want to leave.
In the end he said he didn't want to lose his marriage, life with me what would I accept. I said that he needed to address his problems, not fix the sympoms but address the root causes. He has agreed to go to some AA meetings with me and in fact we went to one together yesterday. He did not like the meeting but was able to identify. He has admitted he has a drinking problem and that his life would be better if he didn't drink. I read him a little from the Big Book while he was in a receptive mood.
Even though gambling is a problem, I truly believe alcoholism is the root cause of the problem for him. I think if he worked an AA recovery program it would automatically resolve the gambling issue at the same time.
I told him I wasn't going to demand that he stop drinking, only that he go to some meetings with an open mind and see if he thought alcohol was his problem. Then if he did think so, what was he going to do about it? A question to be answered later.
We have also agreed to go on a "date" once a week that is our time only where we spend time together making a concerted effort to have fun, to not fight and to not push each other's buttons.
So that is where we left it. I have not made any ultimatums etc. only that I will reserve judgement for now. The separation is still on the table if he is not able to change.
I told R. an AA friend that I couldn't tell him to neve rdrink again because that would be hypocritical as I still slip etc. R said the difference is I am actively working my recovery. That is true, but still I don't expect perfection I expect action and effort and honesty.
In some ways I feel perhaps this should have been the last straw, esp as it comes on the heels of the DUI a few months back. And it may turn out to be in time, howeve, it may also turn out to be a bottom for him that he can rise up from. I don't know. I don't want to enable, at the same time I don't want to throw away a marriage of 15 years if it can be salvaged.
I was proud of myself that I didn't drink (yet) over this and went to my meetings. I was proud I didn't yell or get angry or throw old arguments in his face. I was proud that I restrained myself from controlling the beginning of his recovery (the only condition I set was attending a few meetings). My impulse was to run around, try and get him phone numbers etc but I didn't do it.
I am not allowing my hopes to get up because I have been through this sort of thing before. But he did say that he was sick of the vicious cycle himself and that to me is hopeful. However, actions will speak louder than words. He is already making an effort to pay off his debt out of his own spending money and he has also admitted that his behaviour was insane and that he is insane when he drinks.
I am trying hard not to shove AA and recovery down his throat and now that we've talked it all out I wait for him to bring the subject up and then I say whatever.
It was also really weird having him at a meeting with me, I felt awkward and as though my private space was being invaded. I didn't share as openly as I normally would. I almost felt resentful towards him about that. Later I realised how sad it was that I was more willing to share my most personal thoughts and feelings with strangers than with my own husband. I realised that some of the thing I was expressing at meetings he knew nothing about - things I'd hidden about my drinking and esp. my state of mind, emotions etc. I realised that I have disconnected from him as much as he has from me. And how can I expect him to understand if I don't tell him?
So that is something for me to work on too.
All in all its been a stressful day or so, but I feel OK today. I'm sorry this is SOOO long but I really needed to get it all out.
BTW I am on Day 9 today yup counting again.
Idgie
Wow Idgie, thank you for sharing...I can identify with so much of your post....my ex-husband wasn't into gambling, but other vices besides that...well, and to be fair I was too. Amazing, you are just amazing, with your awareness in your early recovery stages. I learn so much from you. As you know you can make the Program one of attraction for your husband and not promote it...sometimes in early recovery I was so over zealous I wanted to spout how great I felt from the roof tops, at least when I was feeling great....my BF has attended some meetings that I go to also, but I have requested that he try to go to different ones and he certainly doesn't go to as many as I do a week, but it is weird to share for me when he is there...he was at my Tuesday night meeting a couple of months ago and I was called on to share...and I just shared so generically, although I had a burning issue that I wanted to dump there...but it is what it is and again, I just want to say you are doing fantastic. I know you are going through a very difficult time but picking up a drink won't make it better and you already know that. I will keep you in my thoughts and lift you and your husband up to my HP.
thanks VWGirl
I also told my H I would like him to go to a couple of meetings without me, and that if we were at a meeting together I would go outside while he shared if he felt more comfortable that way.
This is so hard I am just trying to stay in the day, because anything else is too much right now.
Love
Idg.
I also told my H I would like him to go to a couple of meetings without me, and that if we were at a meeting together I would go outside while he shared if he felt more comfortable that way.
This is so hard I am just trying to stay in the day, because anything else is too much right now.
Love
Idg.
Idgie.....not sure if I ever shared this but I too had a HUGE gambling problem. I was on meth...a beginning alkie and was gambling insane amounts of money. I don't know how severe his gambling is but I can tell you from experience that they are two seperate demons. There are also meetings for Gambling that do the steps as well but with gambling it is a compulsion.Still an addiction but way different than drinking. The drinking just lowers the inhibitions and away we go! Let me know if you ever want to chat about it because I don't want to bore people with my gambling tales on the booze board! Email me later or after the weekend if you want advice on the Gambling.
P.s. You ROCK for not drinking through this stressful time! Give yourself a huge hug for me!!! Truly I mean that!! {{{{{{{{{{ Idgie }}}}}}}}}}
Your Pal Vally
P.s. You ROCK for not drinking through this stressful time! Give yourself a huge hug for me!!! Truly I mean that!! {{{{{{{{{{ Idgie }}}}}}}}}}
Your Pal Vally
Hey Idgie, one favour when you post don't put the "not yet" after saying you haven't drank over all that has happened. Drinking will always be an option, but one that is getting pushed into the background as we grow stronger each day. You have done so well.
I used to go to the limit in all i done so that my wife would be the one to say it was all over, so i could then say it was all her fault and get more sympathy and have someone to blame and of course a great excuse to drink. In reality i didn't have the balls to end it myself so the easiest option was to keep doing sh*t till it was ended for me, this was my thinking when drinking. Yet on the Monday night talk down from my wife after all the damage, i would cry in all the right places and think hurry the f up i want to go to sleep and i would be resenting again that i didn't have the confidance to finish the relationship, till the next time maybe..... I'm not saying this is whats happening for you and your h and it's just another perspective hopefully.
Idgie you are doing bloody well keep it up and when you are ready keep posting as you are missed.
Light and love Zac
I used to go to the limit in all i done so that my wife would be the one to say it was all over, so i could then say it was all her fault and get more sympathy and have someone to blame and of course a great excuse to drink. In reality i didn't have the balls to end it myself so the easiest option was to keep doing sh*t till it was ended for me, this was my thinking when drinking. Yet on the Monday night talk down from my wife after all the damage, i would cry in all the right places and think hurry the f up i want to go to sleep and i would be resenting again that i didn't have the confidance to finish the relationship, till the next time maybe..... I'm not saying this is whats happening for you and your h and it's just another perspective hopefully.
Idgie you are doing bloody well keep it up and when you are ready keep posting as you are missed.
Light and love Zac
Hi Zac
Yes I understand it is a ploy to make me the "bad guy" or at least force the responsibility of the decision on to me, and I think if we split his drinking truly would escalate more out of control than it is now. It is only when he is drinking and in black moods that he thinks that way. It is the insanity of the disease.
But Zac, I have screwed up so much in the past also, I cannot allow it all to be his fault. i have done plenty of things that many people would say he should have left me for, so its a 2-way street.
My own fears keep me from forcing the issue too - my main focus right now is to stay sober. If I have to force the issue of separation I will, but right now one day at a time.
Idg.
Yes I understand it is a ploy to make me the "bad guy" or at least force the responsibility of the decision on to me, and I think if we split his drinking truly would escalate more out of control than it is now. It is only when he is drinking and in black moods that he thinks that way. It is the insanity of the disease.
But Zac, I have screwed up so much in the past also, I cannot allow it all to be his fault. i have done plenty of things that many people would say he should have left me for, so its a 2-way street.
My own fears keep me from forcing the issue too - my main focus right now is to stay sober. If I have to force the issue of separation I will, but right now one day at a time.
Idg.
Sweet as Idgie, I'm the last to give advice on relationships because you know the saying about the mechanic and the state of his car. As long as you are okay, doing meetings and posting.
Light and love zac
Light and love zac
Idgie...
First of all... you have truly been missed...
I cant offer too much relationship advice but I am so proud of you for staying strong and sober through this... it is a wonderful thing that he has at least agreed to try some meetings and look at his behavior and problems. Everything has to start somewhere. I also understand why it would be harder for you to open up at meetings with him there, even though they are strangers and he is your husband... sometimes it's easier to open up to strangers because they can be more objective... they have no preconceptions about us, no theories or ideas about who we are to cloud their judgment or help shape their opinions. Sometimes the people we love the most are the hardest to share our true thoughts and feelings with. But as hard as I know this has been for you (and him too I'm sure) the fact that it has come out into the open is a good thing in a way, it needed to happen for healing to begin... so you are on your way...
I wish I had more advice to offer you... but please know that I am here for you as much as I can be... you have offered me so much support and wonderful advice since I've been posting here, you are a very special, intelligent, strong, beautiful woman and I admire you so much... sending love and positive energy to you over the miles...
First of all... you have truly been missed...
I cant offer too much relationship advice but I am so proud of you for staying strong and sober through this... it is a wonderful thing that he has at least agreed to try some meetings and look at his behavior and problems. Everything has to start somewhere. I also understand why it would be harder for you to open up at meetings with him there, even though they are strangers and he is your husband... sometimes it's easier to open up to strangers because they can be more objective... they have no preconceptions about us, no theories or ideas about who we are to cloud their judgment or help shape their opinions. Sometimes the people we love the most are the hardest to share our true thoughts and feelings with. But as hard as I know this has been for you (and him too I'm sure) the fact that it has come out into the open is a good thing in a way, it needed to happen for healing to begin... so you are on your way...
I wish I had more advice to offer you... but please know that I am here for you as much as I can be... you have offered me so much support and wonderful advice since I've been posting here, you are a very special, intelligent, strong, beautiful woman and I admire you so much... sending love and positive energy to you over the miles...
Hi Idg,
Hope you are having a great peaceful weekend. Hope you and the Hubby have been keeping the communication lines open and are making big strides! If not tell him about the emus and dunnys!!!! LOLOL LMAO
Your Pal Vally
Hope you are having a great peaceful weekend. Hope you and the Hubby have been keeping the communication lines open and are making big strides! If not tell him about the emus and dunnys!!!! LOLOL LMAO
Your Pal Vally
I'll be praying for you. Keep your sobriety #1 and let God do the rest.
love,
C
love,
C
Hey CB thanks for the kind words and yes you're right about the preconceived notions and all of that :).
Val haha yes I'll keep the emus and dunny's in reserve!!! hehehe.
I appreicate all your thoughts and kind words. We had a good weekend, both of us sober which made a real nice change. Wheter it'll last who knows, but I am just trying to appreciate the good days and the sober days.
I'm b ack up to 12 days today and it seems like the longest 12 days of my life LOL. It has been getting easier though. I actually started a project over the weekend that I've been putting off for literally months (too busy drinkin) and not only did it keep me busy but I actually enjoyed it. Wow, so this is life huh? LOL.
I'm starting to think about drinking less, ususally the cravings and thoughts come now only in the late afternoon and evening instead of all day long - its nice to get a few hours peace from the drunken monkey on my shoulder LOL.
Been going to meetings every other day and just trying to live in the day, and in the now.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend, its Monday over here already.
Idgie.
Val haha yes I'll keep the emus and dunny's in reserve!!! hehehe.
I appreicate all your thoughts and kind words. We had a good weekend, both of us sober which made a real nice change. Wheter it'll last who knows, but I am just trying to appreciate the good days and the sober days.
I'm b ack up to 12 days today and it seems like the longest 12 days of my life LOL. It has been getting easier though. I actually started a project over the weekend that I've been putting off for literally months (too busy drinkin) and not only did it keep me busy but I actually enjoyed it. Wow, so this is life huh? LOL.
I'm starting to think about drinking less, ususally the cravings and thoughts come now only in the late afternoon and evening instead of all day long - its nice to get a few hours peace from the drunken monkey on my shoulder LOL.
Been going to meetings every other day and just trying to live in the day, and in the now.
Hope everyone is having a good weekend, its Monday over here already.
Idgie.
