My Painful Pill Addiction

Hey everyone I am back and once again withdrawal. This time I weaned myself down but just feel so restless and I know the mental is kicking in. I did not really have to much of a physical withdrawal because I weaned myself down. But the mental is going to be bad I think!!! Another hard part is Shawn is going through withdrawal but way worse then me. Hes getting it bad physically and it is only day two. He did not wean off though. I just need some help with all of this. How do you make the restlessness go away? The bad depression, how do you make it all go away?
a nice hot bath..........

bring along some cool water to drink...........

God bless you.

(((hugs)))

thumper
I'm with Thumper, a nice hot (as hot as you can stand it) bath does wonders. I also found that Midol menstrual pills helps a lot also. Also, Alka Seltzer Flu helps with the aches and pains. I am day 2 again (from Vics ES)....when I am withdrawing, I have no energy, no motivation, so I alternate between the bath and bed. Luckily, I work at home, so all I have to do is crawl from my bed to the puter, and then back to bed again. Hang in there, we can do this together!!!
Hey, I wish I could work at home, even if I did it wouldn't matter I still have college all week.I just wish I didn't feel so sad! I can't even clean my damn house. I never thought I would be back in this same situation again, but I know now that there is no possible way to moderate(control) your use. The problem is I was using once and awhile and then about 3 weeks ago I slipped and fell at work, I am a waitress, well in turn I fractured my ankle my bad one that I injured while I was in the Marines. Anyways, I know this is no excuse. It stinks though because I don't have any pills left and my ankle hurts bad!! I have tried every over the counter pain medicine that I can think of. I just wish this was so much easier!
Hi Fiona,

When you do the same things over and over...you get the same result over and over. Welcome back....you know the drill. Hunker down, get honest, cut off the supply...find some help...meetings is a good place to start. Same with your BF...my prediction is until you both get clean and honest your hooped!

You don't have to do it alone. I hate to say I told you so....but I told you so! There is no such thing as controlled using...when your an addict.
Yeah isnt that the truth, its like an endless cycle. I just don't know why I keep doing it. I think maybe because I suffer from depression and believe it or not when I take those pills I don't feel the depression anymore. I am suppose to take anti-depressants but I don't like them. Pain pills seem to do the trick. The hardest part of withdrawal for me is the depression. I just feel like I will never live a happy life again. Everyone says you will but to me its different. Now that I know what a life is like with pills I will never go back to that place and feeling before I knew pills existed. Knowing about that extra high you can get from pills, they will haunt me forever. Just knowing about the secret life of pills and the highs they give you just eats me inside!
Ah yes...terminal uniqueness....we all thought we were different. Here is the scoop! You are not. The high you get from opiates is fake..not real, its your brain on drugs. Eventually they steal everything that you thought you were getting and then some. Not only that you actually cause a change in brain chemistry..you are not able to produce your own "feel good" serotonin because the pills have been doing it.

The good news is...it is reversible and it can and will happen...but not overnight...maybe not even in 6 months. Truth be told a habitual long term drug abuser will need time to get over the depression that the pills are actually causing. You are prolonging the inevitable.

Question....are you in w/d because of choice or did you run out and are waiting for a new script. Either way its ok....I am just wondering what your motivation is to get clean. No judgement...but surely you recognize that you will have to end the cyle someday...willingly.

Honestly I absolutely used to think that I could and would take pills forever...what harm was it...and they made me feel so good. As I learned I was DEAD WRONG.....the high gets ever so more elusive to catch and you find yourself having to take twice the amount you used to just to even out....the high...well that was long gone....near the end you just take them to not get sick.

My heart goes out to you....I hope you make the right decision soon. I would check out AA/NA as I stated before...before you take to many to chase that high....

Out of concern....kee kee
Well good morning! Not so good but oh well thats life. I know all about the chemistry stuff and what it does to your brain, those natural endorphines. I just believe now that I know about a life with pills I will never be able to go back completely to life before I knew they existed. Now I am coming off because I am sick of this going back and forth between withdrawal and no withdrawal. I could call my doctor and get another script but I can't just take those pills the way I am suppose to so what is the point of taking them at all just to go through withdrawal over and over. I don't know I don't feel so bad today just tired, hard to sleep when you are so restless. Shawn finally fell asleep on the couch I have to go to school but I don't know if he is going to work or not? He came in the room at like 4am talking about going to meetings and we talked a little about it, so I don't know if it is definite that we are going or not.
Listen to kee kee, i do and shes got great advice. Thanks for caring about me kee kee. Your ex-methadone junkie friend.
Brien
Shes always had great advice even a year ago when I went through some real bad withdrawal! I am managing day by day, its just hard. I feel a little weak today but better I guess. I am just lacking that motivation! Im sure alot of people can relate to what I mean by that. I have school and thats it. I don't work till Friday so by then I should be alot better, I hope! I just hate this restless feeling, so hopefully I can sit through class ok! Wish me luck!
Fiona:

QUOTE
He came in the room at like 4am talking about going to meetings and we talked a little about it, so I don't know if it is definite that we are going or not.


Whether "Shawn" is willing to go to meetings or not should have no bearing on what YOU are going to do for YOUR recovery. IMO, recovery is all about action and footwork. Some of the key phrases that were crucial to me in early recovery were, Nothing changes if nothing changes and You can't stop taking pills until you stop taking pills. As trite as they may seem, they were the keys that unlocked the truth, for me. What are you doing differently this time? Willingness is key.

~Rachel
Rachel, that is the absolute truth! I was feeling the exact same way!

Nice to see you posting!

Hi Brien! (waving crazily!!) How are you today? Nice to see you too!
Hey TD---God Bless you---I DONT Know if i could handle it anymore-- i mean the wd & all.

Not being nosy, but how old are u, how long have u been off & on & on & on.

Dont answer & tell me to myob if you want.

Love Harry
Hey well I am 22 and I have been on and off for about 2 years or so..Yeah the withdrawal does stink thats why I can never do pills again, unless it was ABSOLUTELY Needed and I didn't have control of the dosing.I just hate not having the motivation to do anything, especially around the house!!1
TD, I AM SO GLAD TO HEAR that it has been a relatively short time (i know it doesn't seem it)

U R young & strong & u have a great life ahead of u. If 4 some reason it gets too hard, go to a Dr & have him prescribe clonidine. That helped me, but u sound pretty tough.

Believe it or not, when u get beyond this stuff, ull realize how unimportant pills really were (im talkin a couple whiles down the road.)

But pllease dont do what most people do--live in partial denial. If u need help, get it. a lot of people suffer from depression.

I remember once I was in the hospitol for detox from a few things, and the dr suggested prozak and i said im not usin that crap.

talk about nonsense
Fiona, I am so happy that you have decided to stop the madness once again. That is terrific! What I do think you need to think about and prepare yourself for is this:

Your b/f is this the same b/f as you had last year. If so I remember distinctly you coming on and telling us how abusive and mean he is to you. Especially when you quit the pills. In fact isn't true that he has told you the only reason he is with you is the pills? Is this the same dude that berated you when you brought home diner for the two of you and it wasn't to his liking...and he called you stupid and fat! Is this the same guy that has threatened leaving you on several occasions?

The only reason I bring this up is because I am hoping that you are aware of what maybe waiting for you once your boyfriend detoxes. I hope that your relationship with this man has improved and that he no longer abuses you in this way.

I pray that he is on board with stopping the madness too and the both of you can get help together. Meeting and therapy are a great place to start. If not I fear that you are stuck in some kind of cycle.

Is this making sense? I remember you and your story because you are very close in age to my own daughter and no one should suffer at the hands of an abuser...either physical or mental.

I post this out of concern for you and your recovery!
TD...do yourself a huge favor and tell your dr that you are an addict. It's too tempting and why would you want to do that to yourself? This is a time when you need to be gentle and kind to yourself so that means taking steps to protect yourself. You would do that for a loved one, right? Do you love yourself enough to help yourself? You cannot have access to meds without accountablity. Women's meetings would be such a wonderful thing for you...give it a try, even if you tell yourself that you're going just once...Take care and it's nice to see you back.
well all these I know, but my mind keeps playing tricks on me, it is soooo hardddd!!!!!!!!! I know what my life is like without those stupid little pills, they almost in away acted like an anti depressant for me, even though it was all a mind game. I just wish it was easier. I guess as some would call it another lesson learned. It is hard when I keep learning the same lesson over and over!! If that even makes sense to anyone. I just finally know that no matter what I try I can never just use them in moderation, control them, thats why I can never do them again. I hate the fact that I am only 22 and going through this. I put myself in this situation so as some would say I have to suffer my own consequences. Life is full of doors its up to you which one you choose to open. I feel like I am at a Y in the road and I can go one of two ways or just stay stuck and don't want that!
At 22 you have an opportunity to live a very full, clean and sober life. It took me until I was 44 to get it right and I started younger than you are now. Don't go down that road. You make perfect sense, we've all been there and know what this feels like, you're not alone or unique. Hope tomorrow's a better day. Cowgirl
posted by troubledone

QUOTE

well all these I know, but my mind keeps playing tricks on me, it is soooo hardddd!!!!!!!!! I know what my life is like without those stupid little pills, they almost in away acted like an anti depressant for me,  even though it was all a mind game.


First "knowing", in an intellectual sense, like, say, Washington D. C. is the national capital of the US is one thing. Believing these things, which involves the "heart" section of the brain, is a whole 'nuther question. You might have the first, you do not have the second.

The "anti-depressant" idea, I used that too. Part of the "euphoric recall" phenomena. However, now that I am in recovery, talking to others around me, I was not as functional on the pills, at least in their eyes, as I would have like to think. And it really doesn't matter. At that point, I would have thought I was functional no matter how dysfunctional I was by any objective measuring device, because pills were my security blanket for dealing with life and I suspect they are your security blanket too.

You may very well be at a fork in the road and I am firmly convinced that the only way you will recover is to decide that the perceived pain of using is greater than any anticipated pain incurred by not using. Its that simple. Which recovery method is also irrelevant. They all involve change.

Rachel said it dead on correct, what others do for their recovery is irrelevant. It is just a mechanism of switching responsibility to someone else. Clever, but as you see here, many are not biting.

Cowgirl also added some extremely important ideas as well. Cutting off sources is very helpful in early recovery. Not to tell the doctor is just a way, and a very conscious way, of maintaining a supply. Some type of support group, or therapy helps alot too. So..which is more important, that waitressing job....or working on something that will have life-long benefits?

kee kee also mentioned an emotionally abusive boyfriend. Again, pain measurements involved here. Which will truly hurt more. Having him around, and dealing with the verbal abuse and drug use or being "lonely" but no abuse. As if this said person is really "here" with you anyway. I would bet some very real money he is not. You decide what you are really worth......