This is long, but it does have a point. Please take the time to read it.
My sister, who I love dearly, has been addicted to pain pills for about 2 years and xanax for about 3 years. The pain pills have been off and on, mostly on, but the xanax has been everyday for 3 years.
Our addictions kind of started together. She had a supplier and I had the money. This was maybe a year or so ago. We were buying 500 vicodin at a time. Before long we were blowing through them like nothing. This continued for months.
Late last winter, she ended up totaling her car on the way to buy us more pills. The accident was not her fault, but had she not been on her way to get pills, she would have not been on an icy country road.
Days after that, she was driving a loaner car that was a piece junk that had no power steering. She had a new job and went to get a bite to eat after work with a few people. She was trying to make friends. After they ate, she was going to give someone a ride home. To thank her, he ordered her a beer. She is not much of a drinker, and hates beer, but drank it anyway.
While taking this person home, she had a hard time managing the car with no power steering. She swerved and was pulled over and arrested for DUI. Her BAC was just below the legal limit, but she was forced to spend the night in jail. She only had one beer.
We ended the relationship with the supplier. We both managed to stop using the pills for awhile.
Over the summer she moved to southern Florida to train for an exciting career doing something she loves. I really thought she had a handle on the pain pills, and she did get clean and mostly stay clean while she was there. I did not even realize how addicted she was to the xanax at that time.
While she was there she was repeatedly harassed by one of her instructors, both verbally and sexually. Eventually, he sexually assaulted her. She did not report him at this time. She completed the training, and he failed her. She was so devastated, she ended up cutting her wrists. She called a friend, who called the police, and they had to break down her door and take her to the hospital. She stayed in a psych unit for 3 days, and came home shortly afterwards.
She has suffered horrible nightmares, and had been diagnosed with PTSD. She immediately started using pain pills again, and upped her xanax. My family and I have watched her addiction skyrocket as she suffers through all of the emotional trauma. I took me awhile to see it, because until 13 weeks ago, I was still using too.
The drugs and the mental anguish have kept her from being able to hold a job. My family and I have watched her get worse and worse. When I got clean, I thought she was going to get clean too. I gave her some suboxone to detox with, but she ended up right back on the pills.
My mom and I were in the beginning phases of planning an intervention. She was talking to my dad the other night and admitted she had a big problem and wanted to get help. She checked herself into detox for 5 days. They tapered her off of the xanax and did a subutex detox for the pain pills.
The doctors don't know why, but she had a horrible reaction to her second dose of sub. She had the WD times 10 thing happening to her. It was strange, because the first dose she handled just fine.
She just came home and flushed her remaining xanax and called her suppliers and told them to cut her off. Her doctor is also aware of all of this. She is going to continue her therapy and go to 90 meetings in 90 days. She is also on the waiting list for a rehab that also specializes in dealing with the type of mental trauma she has suffered.
She is on the right track now, and I hope she stays there. It is safe to say that the last year of her life has been the worst ever. I have a lot of guilt because I am the one who funded the all of the thousands of pills we got in the beginning. We both got clean from that binge, but we both picked back up. I was always pushing her to go get more pills, go get more pills, over and over. It has broken my heart to see her go through all of this, especially knowing that I was a major contributing factor in her addiction.
This is long, but I am telling it for 2 reasons. First and foremost, please include her in your prayers. She is a very beautiful person, inside and out, who has suffered from so much, and not all of it was self-inflicted. I very much want to see her emotional scars heal, and watch her go on to live a clean and happy life. The drugs have stopped the healing process, so she is really just beginning.
Secondly, for those who are still using, something to consider. We never know what life is going to throw at us. If something horrible happens to you, and you are using, it is going to be much, much harder to deal with it. We need to get and keep ourselves clean, so that we have a chance at handling the horrible things that life will face us with. If the worst of the worst happens to you while you are using, you may not ever be able to pull yourself out of addiction. I think this is part of the reason why this is a life and death disease. Get clean now. The longer you wait, the harder it is, and you do not know what will happen in the meantime.
All good thoughts and prayers are welcomed. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Atlas
Wow, Atlas. I am so sorry that she had to deal with that. That is horrible what that instructor did to her. I surely hope that she has/will report that as part of taking her power back.
PSTD was talked about alot in treatment. It is a HUGE factor for an addict. You are so right about trauma and addiction.
Please don't feel guilty. I know it is hard not to because you did the pills together, but you don't have control over another's addiction.
She is so lucky to have such a strong and intelligent sister.:0) Get her some information on PAWS so she can understand and be aware of the ride ahead. Gworski has a good book on it, and he explains in very easy terms what lies ahead.
I will pray for her....and hope she finds a good sponsor that can help. Those make all the difference in the AA world.
Kerry
PSTD was talked about alot in treatment. It is a HUGE factor for an addict. You are so right about trauma and addiction.
Please don't feel guilty. I know it is hard not to because you did the pills together, but you don't have control over another's addiction.
She is so lucky to have such a strong and intelligent sister.:0) Get her some information on PAWS so she can understand and be aware of the ride ahead. Gworski has a good book on it, and he explains in very easy terms what lies ahead.
I will pray for her....and hope she finds a good sponsor that can help. Those make all the difference in the AA world.
Kerry
Atlas,
I hope that your sister has evidence against her boss, and that once she gets more clean time, and is stronger emotionaly, that she can press charges on him, to prevent him from doing that to other wonen,,,its not about seeking financiual retribution...its about saving a young woman the same fate,,,and in fact that would help her with closure
Was her PTSD from the incident with her boss,or something else?.As you know getting over or quitting the pills is great, but she needs to deal with those fears and past trauma that made her want to numb out in the first place,,,,and made her slit her wrists...thats a serious call for help Atlas as Im sure you know...
Dont feel guily about doing them or even suppliing her in the past, Not only will it do you harm to carry that kind of guilt in your own recovery...You cant MAKE someone do pills with you...and if she didnt get them from you, she would probaby just get then from someone else or off the street...
In fact by you beating your addiction before her,maybe you can , by your very example show her it can be done,,,how you cant continue on without thinking of pills and be happy etc...
Can she stay with you sometimes while she is still emotionaly w/dring....it would be great to have someone stay with you who has been there her/him self....would make such a huge differnce.just to see her through some of the 90/90...even to go to a few meetings with her, let her spend a night or two a week, (if hubby doesnt mind..lolol) would keep you close and also see how shes doing...
Is your parents privy to whats going on? Any other sibling??she needs all the support she can get..
Sorry to hear about his Atlas.... it must be so hard on you.,,
Im here for you too
Hugs
Ali
I hope that your sister has evidence against her boss, and that once she gets more clean time, and is stronger emotionaly, that she can press charges on him, to prevent him from doing that to other wonen,,,its not about seeking financiual retribution...its about saving a young woman the same fate,,,and in fact that would help her with closure
Was her PTSD from the incident with her boss,or something else?.As you know getting over or quitting the pills is great, but she needs to deal with those fears and past trauma that made her want to numb out in the first place,,,,and made her slit her wrists...thats a serious call for help Atlas as Im sure you know...
Dont feel guily about doing them or even suppliing her in the past, Not only will it do you harm to carry that kind of guilt in your own recovery...You cant MAKE someone do pills with you...and if she didnt get them from you, she would probaby just get then from someone else or off the street...
In fact by you beating your addiction before her,maybe you can , by your very example show her it can be done,,,how you cant continue on without thinking of pills and be happy etc...
Can she stay with you sometimes while she is still emotionaly w/dring....it would be great to have someone stay with you who has been there her/him self....would make such a huge differnce.just to see her through some of the 90/90...even to go to a few meetings with her, let her spend a night or two a week, (if hubby doesnt mind..lolol) would keep you close and also see how shes doing...
Is your parents privy to whats going on? Any other sibling??she needs all the support she can get..
Sorry to hear about his Atlas.... it must be so hard on you.,,
Im here for you too
Hugs
Ali
Atlas,
Prayers and blessings to you and your sister. I know you are instrumental in saving my sisters life. I hope knowing this can help you forgive yourself. God has already forgiven you and wishes for you to move on to blessings. (There is scripture to back this up, just don't know where it is, off the top of my head.) I will pray for your sister's healing.
Golden
Prayers and blessings to you and your sister. I know you are instrumental in saving my sisters life. I hope knowing this can help you forgive yourself. God has already forgiven you and wishes for you to move on to blessings. (There is scripture to back this up, just don't know where it is, off the top of my head.) I will pray for your sister's healing.
Golden
Atlas
I sincerely doubt if you forced the pills down your sister's throat. Stop blaming yourself. An active addict will find drugs no matter what just like if someone wants recovery they will find it. It is not your fault so stop beating yourself up. The best thing you can do for her is be an example. Alanon wouldn't hurt either <EG> You are both in my prayers.
I sincerely doubt if you forced the pills down your sister's throat. Stop blaming yourself. An active addict will find drugs no matter what just like if someone wants recovery they will find it. It is not your fault so stop beating yourself up. The best thing you can do for her is be an example. Alanon wouldn't hurt either <EG> You are both in my prayers.
Thank you all for responding. I know I did not shove the pills down her throat, and that an addict will get their pills one way or another. But, there were so many times that she said she didn't want to do anymore pills, or make the drive, or carry the pills on her. Instead of just agreeing, I would push and push her to do it. I can be persuasive, and I was relentless. I would convince her that she did not have to take them, just get them for me (yeah right.) So the guilt factor is there.
As far as the school goes, they offered her a "shut up settlement." Instead, she found a lawyer and is suing them. She has many witnesses to the harassment, but the assault is her word against his. She could never bring herself to file a report. She took out a loan for $20,000 for this school, and she never received ANY of the certifications she earned, even though she completed all of the classes. She is suing for fraud, misrepresentation, verbal and sexual harassment and sexual assault. All of these things apply. Her lawyer is confident that she will at least get her money back from the school, and get the certifications she earned, plus more. She has a strong case with many witnesses, and a letter where they offered her a settlement to basically shut up.
I sincerely wish that she could stay with me through all or some of this. Her visits are far between. Hubby will not allow her to stay very often because she "gets on his nerves." Empathy and compassion seem to be absent when it comes to her. I will probably go visit her next weekend, and maybe even accompany her to some meetings. She really needs them, because therapy alone did not seem to do her much good.
Again, thank you all for your continued support and prayers. You all mean the world to me.
Love and hugs, Atlas
As far as the school goes, they offered her a "shut up settlement." Instead, she found a lawyer and is suing them. She has many witnesses to the harassment, but the assault is her word against his. She could never bring herself to file a report. She took out a loan for $20,000 for this school, and she never received ANY of the certifications she earned, even though she completed all of the classes. She is suing for fraud, misrepresentation, verbal and sexual harassment and sexual assault. All of these things apply. Her lawyer is confident that she will at least get her money back from the school, and get the certifications she earned, plus more. She has a strong case with many witnesses, and a letter where they offered her a settlement to basically shut up.
I sincerely wish that she could stay with me through all or some of this. Her visits are far between. Hubby will not allow her to stay very often because she "gets on his nerves." Empathy and compassion seem to be absent when it comes to her. I will probably go visit her next weekend, and maybe even accompany her to some meetings. She really needs them, because therapy alone did not seem to do her much good.
Again, thank you all for your continued support and prayers. You all mean the world to me.
Love and hugs, Atlas
Hi Atlas...sweety..please don't blame yourself! when we are using we made judgment calls that are not the best..however convincing you may be your sister took the pills on her own as did you...we all know that when we are using we will justify to enth degree. Sounds to me like you both are incredibly strong, smart and amazing people..you went through this together and you will be there for each other.
I think you hubby should be a little more tolerant of your sis...she is your sis and on that fact alone he should help you help her...it would go along way in aiding the healing process for both!
My prayers are there for her and you absolutley..I know what it is like to be exploited in the work force and am very proud of her that she will take a stand against this creepo!
Take care....bye for now...Kee Kee
I think you hubby should be a little more tolerant of your sis...she is your sis and on that fact alone he should help you help her...it would go along way in aiding the healing process for both!
My prayers are there for her and you absolutley..I know what it is like to be exploited in the work force and am very proud of her that she will take a stand against this creepo!
Take care....bye for now...Kee Kee
Kee Kee,
You always know what to say. Your prayers are appreciated.
Love, Atlas
You always know what to say. Your prayers are appreciated.
Love, Atlas
Atlas,
I'm so sorry you have to live with this guilt. Drugs cloud the mind and don't allow one to make rational decisions....another reason to stop taking them. Of course I'll remember her in my prayers. I especially remembered all on this board at Mass tonight. So many people in pain...so much sorrow. It's so wonderful that we're all here for each other. Best wishes to you and your family....even hubby who doens't understand. I think men are very unsympathetic and just want the wife to focus on makng them happy. Women are less selfish.
I'm so sorry you have to live with this guilt. Drugs cloud the mind and don't allow one to make rational decisions....another reason to stop taking them. Of course I'll remember her in my prayers. I especially remembered all on this board at Mass tonight. So many people in pain...so much sorrow. It's so wonderful that we're all here for each other. Best wishes to you and your family....even hubby who doens't understand. I think men are very unsympathetic and just want the wife to focus on makng them happy. Women are less selfish.
Thanks mom, I knew I could count on you for prayers.
I think you are right about men. They really do just wait around for us to please them. I feel like he is jealous of anything that diverts my attention away from him. This poor computer is not very well liked by him right now...LOL.
I talked to my sis today and she seems to be feeling okay, and in a positive frame of mind. I am so proud of her for doing this. I'm also grateful to be clean, so I can support her the way she needs to be supported. If I were still using, I would probably be disappointed that I was losing a drug buddy.
Thank God that is not the case.
Take care,
Atlas
I think you are right about men. They really do just wait around for us to please them. I feel like he is jealous of anything that diverts my attention away from him. This poor computer is not very well liked by him right now...LOL.
I talked to my sis today and she seems to be feeling okay, and in a positive frame of mind. I am so proud of her for doing this. I'm also grateful to be clean, so I can support her the way she needs to be supported. If I were still using, I would probably be disappointed that I was losing a drug buddy.
Thank God that is not the case.
Take care,
Atlas
Ill say it too even though I have the same feelings as you at times but you cant blame yourself for her addiction, now ill try and listen to my own advice too.
It must have been a great relief that she wanted to go for help, Im hoping my sister says the same thing and makes things easier, I think those that are ready for help will have a better chance for success.
Sounds like slitting her wrists was a call for help and thank God it turned out ok.
The good news is now that your firmly in recovery you should be able to be a huge help to her.
I hope things turn out alright, she certainly didnt deserve what happened to her in Florida.
I think you and mom are right some men are selfish but some are worse.
thanks for sharing
JD
It must have been a great relief that she wanted to go for help, Im hoping my sister says the same thing and makes things easier, I think those that are ready for help will have a better chance for success.
Sounds like slitting her wrists was a call for help and thank God it turned out ok.
The good news is now that your firmly in recovery you should be able to be a huge help to her.
I hope things turn out alright, she certainly didnt deserve what happened to her in Florida.
I think you and mom are right some men are selfish but some are worse.
thanks for sharing
JD
bump for jd
Thanks JD.
I know I need to let go of the guilt factor, but as you know, it is easier said than done.
I do not think she meant to kill herself, but I know it was a cry for help. Thank God she is getting that help now.
I wish nothing but good things for BOTH of our sisters.
Atlas
I know I need to let go of the guilt factor, but as you know, it is easier said than done.
I do not think she meant to kill herself, but I know it was a cry for help. Thank God she is getting that help now.
I wish nothing but good things for BOTH of our sisters.
Atlas
