From a great student and active athlete our son began to use when we moved from NJ to California in 1986. He was 12 at the time and went from being a big fish in a small pond (town) to a small fish in a big pond (Los Angeles). Over the next few years, we experienced drug use (pot at first) alchohol abuse, fighting, visits from the police, car wrecks, lack of work, left the football team as a sophomore, eventually had to transfer to a VoTech to graduate High School and has since attended multiple Junior Colleges and rehabs (5 tries) and a few outpatient detoxes. We have always paid his rent and when we get tough, we get a call from the street..no money and haven't eaten and the cycle starts again. He has a girlfriend who is 20 years old and two pitbulls. Numerous "friends" have come and gone to the point where we know none of his friends. Music of choice is hip hop angry music and after honking up many cars and living through some bad accidents, skateboarding is the transportation of choice. He's always been alternative, but at the same time he's got a great heart, is smart (has certainly played us as Patsy's for the last 15+ years) Tatoos read "Helter Skelter" & "F--- You" and he's full blown heroin. What can we do next? We're running out of money and will probably never be able to retire. We love our son, but after riping through 500K+ over the years trying to solve this problem, we're ready to give up. Oh yes, we've seen all the doctors along the way. He insulates himself with the dogs and girlfriend..."Can't go into rehab and leave them." What can you tell us that would be constructive, besides the fact that we're probably among the worse parents in the world? He's just detoxed, but can't find a job or get any traction in society, even when he tries. We pay the rent...he scrambles for a living. She won't work and he was recently caught stealing in a store. Of couse credit is shot and multiple credit card dunnings and notices appear daily. Christ...what's the answer??
im so sorry about your son and how some people may react to your story. i lost my best friend/boyfriend/ my world to a heroin/ cocaine addiction.. i find that MOST of the poeple on this message board are pretty helpful but it all comes down to the fact that [the addict] has to be willing to help themselves. my "world" realized what he had to do too late i hope this is never your sons case.
i wish i could tell you exactly what you could do to help but i really cant.. my only advise is be there for him but dont enable him. enableing him is the worst thing you can do and when i realized that its when RCD started to realize he needed help..
best of luck, greatest wishes (if i prayed i would for you),
happy holidays,
ilmorcd
i wish i could tell you exactly what you could do to help but i really cant.. my only advise is be there for him but dont enable him. enableing him is the worst thing you can do and when i realized that its when RCD started to realize he needed help..
best of luck, greatest wishes (if i prayed i would for you),
happy holidays,
ilmorcd
Dear Dewey,
My heart goes out to you and your wife as I read the post about your son. I certainly am not qualified to give you "professional" advice but just wanted you to know I care and understand, and as God brings you to mind, I will lift you all to Him. He certainly knows what you are going through and DOES care. Please look to Him for help and try to find some support for you and your wife. I know it is so-ooo difficult when our children reach 18 and make such unwise choices and yet legally, we cannot make decisions for them. Sounds like your son is very manipulative and will do whatever to take care of his need. Perhaps it's time to take care of you and your wife and start using some REAL TOUGH LOVE on your son! Wishing you the best and keep us posted!
Bea
My heart goes out to you and your wife as I read the post about your son. I certainly am not qualified to give you "professional" advice but just wanted you to know I care and understand, and as God brings you to mind, I will lift you all to Him. He certainly knows what you are going through and DOES care. Please look to Him for help and try to find some support for you and your wife. I know it is so-ooo difficult when our children reach 18 and make such unwise choices and yet legally, we cannot make decisions for them. Sounds like your son is very manipulative and will do whatever to take care of his need. Perhaps it's time to take care of you and your wife and start using some REAL TOUGH LOVE on your son! Wishing you the best and keep us posted!
Bea
Hi Dewey, What a sad story. I believe that there is nothing more you can do for your son, he probably needs months of treatment in order to recover. there are alot of treatment centers that will have the funding covered, maybe tell him to go to drug and alcohol and check it out. Tough love is hard but all you and your wife are doing is enableing him and that's very unhealthy. I wish you well and you will be in my thoughts and prayers. I'm a recovering crack addict and i know how hard it is, believe me. J ust got home from treatment , 10 weeks and i feel i could use more
Take care.
Liz D.
Take care.
Liz D.
Dear Dewy,
I've been reading the "post" on this site all morning. I just want to throw up! I am so sad and so angry that our children, sisters, brothers... our loved ones are addicted to this horrible drug... to any drug. So many lives are destroyed by addiction, and not just the user's. I'm angry that our government can build bombs and destroy entire nations, but they can't figure out how to stop the import illegal drugs into our country.
My beautiful daughter is a heroin addict. Her addiction has nearly destroyed all of us in so many ways. She has a beautiful little girl who loves her so much, but I now have custody of my grandchild. All of my energy now goes to helping my grandchild heal. I have done everything possible to help my daughter. Finally had to just let her go. It hurts so much to let go, and every night I go to bed, fearful that the police will knock on my door to tell me my daughter is dead.
My daughter's addiction destroyed my relationship with my partner, and I am financially disabled due to trying to help her, not to mention the money she stole from me and the bad checks she wrote to buy heroin.
But I am mending. I cannot help her anymore and pray she will now help herself. Perhaps now she will remember how much her child loves her and needs her, and she will heal. But I do not count on that, I just live one day at a time and pray she will survive another day for another chance at ending her addiction.
Let you son go, Dewy. You've done all you can... be proud of that and love yourself. But let go.
Vivian
I've been reading the "post" on this site all morning. I just want to throw up! I am so sad and so angry that our children, sisters, brothers... our loved ones are addicted to this horrible drug... to any drug. So many lives are destroyed by addiction, and not just the user's. I'm angry that our government can build bombs and destroy entire nations, but they can't figure out how to stop the import illegal drugs into our country.
My beautiful daughter is a heroin addict. Her addiction has nearly destroyed all of us in so many ways. She has a beautiful little girl who loves her so much, but I now have custody of my grandchild. All of my energy now goes to helping my grandchild heal. I have done everything possible to help my daughter. Finally had to just let her go. It hurts so much to let go, and every night I go to bed, fearful that the police will knock on my door to tell me my daughter is dead.
My daughter's addiction destroyed my relationship with my partner, and I am financially disabled due to trying to help her, not to mention the money she stole from me and the bad checks she wrote to buy heroin.
But I am mending. I cannot help her anymore and pray she will now help herself. Perhaps now she will remember how much her child loves her and needs her, and she will heal. But I do not count on that, I just live one day at a time and pray she will survive another day for another chance at ending her addiction.
Let you son go, Dewy. You've done all you can... be proud of that and love yourself. But let go.
Vivian
I've just read your sad letter. My daughter 20yo (beautiful, talented, art student) became addicted to heroin.She's been hospitalized 5 times but seems to have started ( we are hopeful) down the path to recovery.
You can't fix your son...only he can do that, when and if he's ready.
When we first found out about her addiction we went to family counseling...if you don't have money or insurance for this...local churches may provide this...check around..a nearby Congregational Church (that we are not members of) has a non denominational counceling center..You need help to deal with this and to break the cycle of enabling that you are in. One councelor told us not to do anything for them that they can and must do for themselves. Also, what about alanon for you and your wife?
Your son may never get better. As parents I think we search over and over to see where we "went wrong" but we do the best we can and that's all we can do.
I'll pray for you.
You can't fix your son...only he can do that, when and if he's ready.
When we first found out about her addiction we went to family counseling...if you don't have money or insurance for this...local churches may provide this...check around..a nearby Congregational Church (that we are not members of) has a non denominational counceling center..You need help to deal with this and to break the cycle of enabling that you are in. One councelor told us not to do anything for them that they can and must do for themselves. Also, what about alanon for you and your wife?
Your son may never get better. As parents I think we search over and over to see where we "went wrong" but we do the best we can and that's all we can do.
I'll pray for you.
Hi Dewey, I'm sorry to read this about your son. I know what you are going through. We lost our son to heroin almost 15 months ago. Do not give up on him. Know that the things he is doing to support his addiction are being controlled by the heroin. It is evil. You can help him once you understand how heroin effects a user.
God bless you
Walt
Addiction Recovery Camp & Retreat
God bless you
Walt
Addiction Recovery Camp & Retreat