My Son Was Arrested Again!

Hi, everyone

My son was arrested tonight for another retail theft. He admitted to me that he needs help, but claimed he didn't carry the theft through. He had gotten away on foot and I called a friend and he had given him a ride not knowing he was in trouble. They told me a warrant would be issued for his arrest, and if he wasn't found, he would have a chance of going back to that horrible prison he was in before if they got him first. Otherwise, he will be in a better prison at least. So I went and picked my son up and took him into the police station. I don't know how many times a heart can break, but I'm sure some of you all know. Please pray for him to get the help he needs.

Love,
Susan
Susan, this is terrible. I'm all in favor of giving the kid a break, but in light of what went on between you and hubby, maybe it's time to put your foot down? Otherwise, he will end up in the hell hole he was in. This time for longer. I can't remember. Did you discuss rehab with him?
Wow Susan,
You just can't get a break can you. He has put you through so much. He does need help. He has got to want it and realize what he is doing is wrong or he will continue. That is so sad, he has both of his parents still together(hopefully) and a girlfriend. It just goes to show that he needs professional help and fast. He won't recieve that in prison but when he gets out he will need it right away.
I will say a prayer for your family tonight. Please try and relax, God has a plan for him and it will all work out. Rae
Dear Danny and Rae,

Thanks for the prayers and responses. Rae, the girlfriend is a LOT of the problem. He was doing excellent after his detox and 10 days later she decided to come off her methadone treatment cold turkey. Her mother said she was begging for someone to take her to get drugs while she was there. I think that's what pulled him back into it. I just learned that she has had a drug problem off and on since she was 15. She is now 23. She had a finance die of a heart attack from overdose. Her father found her purple 2 years ago and called 911. He was able to get her breathing again by following their instructions. This could be a blessing in disguise...getting them apart. They definitely don't have the sense to do it. We have been trying, but whenever we say she can't be here, he threatens to go with her. I don't want them to find my son in a ditch. I was trying to keep them safe.

Love,
Susan
Hi Susan,

sorry to hear of this bad news and your ongoing struggles. I know this is not going to be a popular post but I am writing with the best of intentions and with right thought. Your son doesn't want to be clean yet. He is not ready to give up the people, places and things that he needs to in order to stay clean and out of trouble. You want it really bad, but he doesn't.

He knows that every time he does something to get himself in trouble that you will be there to bail him out. You do this despite the fact that he has shown he is not willing to make the changes he needs to and despite the fact that it is going to destroy you and your family. He lies to you and he manipulates you and you let him. You have participated actively in this forum and helped so many, yet you do not take your own advice. Susan I care about you so much but you are enabling him. You are co-dependent and you need to save yourself.

As hard as it is to do so I urge you to focus on yourself and the rest of your family. Love your son completely and unconditionally, but stop trying to rescue him. When he is really ready he knows what to do, he knows how to get healp and he knows that you love him.

Please take my advice and experience and go to some meetings. Be the role model in getting well and staying healthy. This is the best you can do, this is all you can do.

love
Sean

Susan, this one is a tough call for sure. I do think he is playing the emotional card here, threatening to leave also if you kick her out. He knows how much you care. Has your husband sat down and had a heart to heart with him? I have a feeling his attitude towards your husband is different than what it is towards you. I remember the girlfriend being a big part of the problem. I think I said a month ago to give him an option. Rehab or jail. He's going to get one or the other and watch, the girlfriend is going to be gone in a New York minute. I think you mentioned he has a court date coming up. What are those prospects? Plea bargin with the Judge for rehab. As far as the girlfriend, I wouldn't kick her out. She needs help also and has no where to turn. You and your husband are very loving and you just might save a couple of lives here. But, you need to push them to where they can get the help they need. Not really push. I think shove is better. But, he is over 21, you have a marriage to preserve and I think a grandchild on the way? You don't want the baby in that environment. Be loving but firm. You won't find him in a ditch. Also, does he have a job?
Hi, Danny

No job. He's also battling depression. Has been for months! He got put on an anti-depressant in early November, then got arrested on November 29th, went to prison and detoxed for 16 days. They wouldn't listen to me and didn't continue his anti-depressant in prison. I didn't find out until about 3 days before he got out because of him being in the "hole". They wouldn't give me any information and the case worker, who I asked to get my son to sign a paper so I could know how he was doing medically, never did as I asked. He was worthless! The only time my son saw him was when he came in and told him to plead guilty to having a needle on him when he came in. Now he's facing charges for that too! Anyway, we got him back on the anti-depressant for a little over a month, and it didn't seem to be doing any good. When we finally got a doctor's appointment, he doubled the zoloft. He was just starting to feel better that way.

Please hope and pray he doesn't have to go back to that other prison. Also, please pray that he stays alive until he realizes and wants help.

God bless!
Love,
Susan
Susan, maybe Zoloft is the wrong anti-depressant. Have you thought about him switching. I mean, his actions show it is not working. As far as detox, that is only the first step in a process of recovery. What he really needs is some pretty intense therapy. So intense it would require rehab, but he also has to want to do it. Since he is not working, it is doubtful that he will strike out on his own. Or if he does, it will be short lived. Like a day..people get hungry.
Dear Susan what can I say to ease your broken heart?I know there is nothing.As a mom I know how the love for our children can make us split into 2.We always hope for the best & prepare for the worst.My heart thought and prayers will be with you.That doesnt seem like enough to ease your heartache,but the thought is pure....mj
Susan,

Know that this is not the son you once knew. The heroin has changed his brain chemistry. Maybe a long term prison stay can help. Only time will tell.

At least your son is alive and has had many chances so far. No chances for me. One overdose and poof, my son is gone forever. So consider yourself lucky and God is watching out for you and your son.

So, stay in this fight for your sons survival, and know that we are all there with you.

God Bless,

Phil
I am also going to pray for you, your family, and your son. You are really having it rough! He needs in-patient rehab in the worst way. Is there any way you can talk to the judge he will go before? That would be the thing to do in my opinion. The judge could court-order rehab for him. Silent Partner is right, you don't need to bail him out of anything! I hope and pray everything turns out ok - I am sure it will eventually.
Dear Susan, As a parent of a heroin addict, I can empathize with what you are going through. But, there comes a time when enough is enough. I know it's so scary to think that if you don't help and that if you son dies, you would feel responsible - those same thoughts ran through my head.

I know it's so hard, because for a while I was an enabler - running to help her out of every jam with her checking account or a job situation or a bill - she could manipulate me so well. I tried to blame her addiction on the boyfriend, too. After all, he was the one who introduced her to heroin - he tied up her arm and gave her her first shot, then her second shot and just kept shooting her until she learned how to do it herself. But then I asked a friend who was a crack addict who had been clean for 20 years and she gave me the best advice - she said my daughter had a choice to let that boyfriend shoot her up, she had a choise to use or not. My friend told me to just love her and talk to her like I always did before - not to nag her about the boyfriend or the drugs, but also not to give her money or help her pay her bills or enable anymore. And, I told my daughter just that - I said I wasn't going to pay her bills or be an enabler anymore or talk to her about her addiction anymore. I told her I loved her unconditionally and if she ever wanted to get clean, I would help her with that.

Don't you know how my heart broke when I would be talking to her and I could tell she was high or if I tried to call her cell phone and she didn't answer 'cuz she was out on buy? I knew what was happening, but kept myself in check and just talked normal to her about everything but the addiction. The pain in my heart was horrible - I would hang up the phone and just cry. But then I would get myself together and reminded myself I wasn't using and I needed to live my life and appreciate all that God had given me, and I would pray for my daughter everyday. I was always scared I would get that call that she had died from an overdose, but yet I had to remember, this life was about choices and she had made her's. Well, she finally hit a bottom and called me and poured out her heart. She found a rehab center and I drove her to it, and she found her way to NA groups and it will be 14 months on February 14, 2005, that she has been clean. I know every story doesn't end like this, but her story isn't over yet either. It will always be day-by-day for her and she has to deal with that.

Susan - being a parent is the hardest job in the world, but if you want to save your son, love him, tell him that, but let him deal with his choices on his own - save yourself and try to rebuild your life.

Diane

dear susan -

so nice to hear your voice - even in its angst it is a beautiful song.

one of my favorite spiritual teachers, kahlil gibran, says the following about our children:

__________

And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, "Speak to us of Children."

And he said:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as he loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.

___________

keep moving forward susan. you can help yourself through this insanity known as addiction and you're doing it.

you're remarkable!

namsate'

sammy