Hi, everyone
I was suspicious of my son for a little while now, but wanted to believe he was doing ok. He wasn't. His girlfriend called and asked if he was here when he was supposed to be with her. She said he wanted her to take him to a store, and she refused since he didn't have any money and thought he might be up to wrongdoing. I'm not sure what involvement she had, but he tried to steal again and got caught. The police office said it is a felony now. He's in jail again. We won't be posting bail...because atleast there he's safe. My heart again is breaking. Help!.....As if anyone can, really.
Susan
susan, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. yes, at least you know he is safe -- there is consolation there. we just must believe that all things work towards good in some form or fashion.
Thanks, Bob. I was hoping you were on here. I desperately needed your words of wisdom.
it seems that sometimes the compulsions and obsessions just take over. this is going to sound trite, but from what little you said, he was not physically hurt and no one else was injured. that's a real blessing. and it may well be that he was stopped before he was using again, which of course the using is at the root of the issue. he's safe and others are safe. right now, for the moment, he is experiencing the result of a behavior that he has not been able to control -- in the long run that could be blessing in terms of his life.
i must say, when my son was arrested, i was relieved. because it was the opportunity for a turning point, whether it works out or not is another matter that i can't control, but at least there was the opportunity for change -- regardless of where or how is happened and regardless of whether i was involved in it or not.
the legal ramifications will be what they will be. i know you are afraid, but that's all for another day. he's safe for now and not a danger to himself.
i must say, when my son was arrested, i was relieved. because it was the opportunity for a turning point, whether it works out or not is another matter that i can't control, but at least there was the opportunity for change -- regardless of where or how is happened and regardless of whether i was involved in it or not.
the legal ramifications will be what they will be. i know you are afraid, but that's all for another day. he's safe for now and not a danger to himself.
Dear Bob,
Your words helped a LOT....more than anyone else has helped. I don't understand addiction. I never thought anything could be stronger than the love between my son and I. I just hurt so bad!
Love,
Susan
Your words helped a LOT....more than anyone else has helped. I don't understand addiction. I never thought anything could be stronger than the love between my son and I. I just hurt so bad!
Love,
Susan
susan, he loves you, you know that. nothing he's done means that he does not love you and the rest of the family. the obsession is just too strong. it overrides everything. the mental capacity to see the consequences of the behavior is just not there. the mental capacity to see the hurt is just not there either. the alcoholic and addict just cannot control themselves -- it's as though it is blocked out. i don't understand it either and i've been around alcoholics and addicts all my life. my kid brother started with heroin when he was in his teens. my dad was alcoholic. i really believe that the help comes somewhere between the interaction of the desire to stop the behavior by the addict and divine intervention -- sometimes in an instant and most times over time.don't give up hope -- it can come. maybe not in "our time' -- which adds to the anxiety that we suffer.
we just get tidbits of understanding of this disease from time to time. the experts and rehabilitators don't really understand it.
i know you've been struggling to go to a NA meeting. try to make one. we went to meetings several years ago. there is help for the family there. it's like a combination of self-helf, the 12 steps and lay counseling and sharing experiences and knowledge. writing helps, as you have found, but verbalizing helps also.
i'm saying a decade of the rosary for your intentions tonite before sleep. as we all know, Mary has never beem known to leave unaided one who has fled to her protection, implored her help or sought her intercessions. i believe that.
we just get tidbits of understanding of this disease from time to time. the experts and rehabilitators don't really understand it.
i know you've been struggling to go to a NA meeting. try to make one. we went to meetings several years ago. there is help for the family there. it's like a combination of self-helf, the 12 steps and lay counseling and sharing experiences and knowledge. writing helps, as you have found, but verbalizing helps also.
i'm saying a decade of the rosary for your intentions tonite before sleep. as we all know, Mary has never beem known to leave unaided one who has fled to her protection, implored her help or sought her intercessions. i believe that.
I needed to hear those words so badly!
God bless you, Bob!
Love,
Susan
God bless you, Bob!
Love,
Susan
Susan,
I posted you a response in a different board I think. You have this message a few places. Please look and find what I wrote to you. And again I will be praying for you and your son.
D
I posted you a response in a different board I think. You have this message a few places. Please look and find what I wrote to you. And again I will be praying for you and your son.
D
It is terrible what we addicts do to our families. It isnt that the drugs are stronger than your love. Drugs sneak into us addicts , builds walls untill all we see or can think of is the drug. Bob is very wise in what he writes, a good man for you to listen and talk to
From a recovering addict I would like to add some words. Most likely he is now safe, and will get some clean days behind him ( although some jails have just as many drugs as outside ) Show him your love after he gets out , hopefully he will feel he has hit bottom and you are his liferaft to a better path. As long as he makes the effort to make his life better . He is a fortunate son to have a mother that cares enough to seek help on her own . Hopefully he will see that . staying strong and not bailing him out was the best thing you could have done for him . Responsibility for actions is something that has gone to the wayside. Hmmmm ...BEING HELD ACCOUNTABLE GOING DOWN, DRUG USE GOING UP......what ya think Bob??? those two related??
From a recovering addict I would like to add some words. Most likely he is now safe, and will get some clean days behind him ( although some jails have just as many drugs as outside ) Show him your love after he gets out , hopefully he will feel he has hit bottom and you are his liferaft to a better path. As long as he makes the effort to make his life better . He is a fortunate son to have a mother that cares enough to seek help on her own . Hopefully he will see that . staying strong and not bailing him out was the best thing you could have done for him . Responsibility for actions is something that has gone to the wayside. Hmmmm ...BEING HELD ACCOUNTABLE GOING DOWN, DRUG USE GOING UP......what ya think Bob??? those two related??
Yes, Mytime, I have gotten to know many wonderful people on these different forums because when I first came on this board there was no Families/Partners of Addicts forum yet and my son was on oxycontin so I met the people on the Pain Pills. Then I found he had started on heroin because it was cheaper, so I turned to the people on the Heroin forum for help and advice. Then the Families/Partners one started and it was been a great help and I've met even more wonderful people there, but my heart couldn't just jump over there and forget the people who were such a blessing to me before on the Pain Pills and Heroin forums. Since many of them know me, I asked for their help and prayers too.
Susan
Susan
ok Bob , after reading that last post ...I stand corrected on my view of the new board topic... My bad.....AL
Susan, I'm going to share one more thing with you before I turn in. My kid brother had a spiritual awakening in a county jail is south Texas about 15 years ago when he was in his early 30s. He thought he was going to die there and he allowed a roving jailhouse preacher and a few fellow prisoners who had gathered for prayer to pray over him.
He's been on legal methadone maintenance for many years now -- is married, has a home, and, until some recent physical set-backs, has worked and supported himself. Not an ideal life, plenty of hardships, but then, who doesn't have them ? He's now in his late 40s.
Trust God -- he knows what we need.
He's been on legal methadone maintenance for many years now -- is married, has a home, and, until some recent physical set-backs, has worked and supported himself. Not an ideal life, plenty of hardships, but then, who doesn't have them ? He's now in his late 40s.
Trust God -- he knows what we need.
AL -- luv ya man.
I hope and pray my son makes it to his 40th birthday! My words cannot begin to express my gratitude for your help tonight. I truly didn't know how I was going to get through the night. I printed out your words to reflect on until I finally feel exhausted enough to fall asleep. God bless!
Love,
Susan
Love,
Susan
Dont go getting all mushy now Bob hahaha,
Dear Justonemore,
Thank you so much for responding and giving me your insight (from the addict's side) which I'm trying to understand and your words of advice. I truly appreciate your taking the time to try to help me. God bless!
Susan
Thank you so much for responding and giving me your insight (from the addict's side) which I'm trying to understand and your words of advice. I truly appreciate your taking the time to try to help me. God bless!
Susan
lol at least you got a little chuckle out of me, Justonemore.
I hope you didnt take my chuckle as making light of your situation , that was directed towards Bob, with whom I have had a couple discussions over a few things.
Knowing what I know now , I cant imagine the pain I put my mother through. I thought she would be hurt by my leaving California 4 months ago ( she has always loved having her family nearby ) Instead , after admitting my addictions, my reasons for moving 2500 miles away ( to get away from my supply of meth , and triggers of usage ) and my goals ( to continue recovery , and help other people dealing with drug addiction ) I saw a look in her eyes, and felt in her hug. A joy and pride in me that I have not seen in 35 years .
Being a parent is the proverbial "the toughest job you will ever love" stay strong , be vigilant, get informed, .. and easier said than done ...give "tough love" Again , I have to commend you in your looking for answers , I pray your son opens his eyes and heart to what he has in you ... oh, and by the way , my guess is his girlfriend isnt innocent in all this , I have nothing to base it on , I shouldnt falsely accuse , but I have an instinct, and I enjoy going out on a limb , if it will help .... love and respect...to you and yours..AL
Knowing what I know now , I cant imagine the pain I put my mother through. I thought she would be hurt by my leaving California 4 months ago ( she has always loved having her family nearby ) Instead , after admitting my addictions, my reasons for moving 2500 miles away ( to get away from my supply of meth , and triggers of usage ) and my goals ( to continue recovery , and help other people dealing with drug addiction ) I saw a look in her eyes, and felt in her hug. A joy and pride in me that I have not seen in 35 years .
Being a parent is the proverbial "the toughest job you will ever love" stay strong , be vigilant, get informed, .. and easier said than done ...give "tough love" Again , I have to commend you in your looking for answers , I pray your son opens his eyes and heart to what he has in you ... oh, and by the way , my guess is his girlfriend isnt innocent in all this , I have nothing to base it on , I shouldnt falsely accuse , but I have an instinct, and I enjoy going out on a limb , if it will help .... love and respect...to you and yours..AL
Dear Justonemore,
I didn't take it that you were making light of my situation so don't be concerned about that. Life goes on no matter what circumstances we face. While some of us are grieving some loss, there are others who are concerned for us but don't FEEL the loss as strongly as we do, and they can lift our spirits if even for a few seconds...that's a blessing. I remember being in the receiving line at my dad's funeral, and some people would come up and say something funny about him (he loved to tell jokes), and it would make me laugh and remember those good times. It didn't take away from the sincerity of my dad's funeral, it enhanced his memory.
As far as the girlfriend....I have been TRYING to accept her and not put blame on her, but many people (other family members) do blame her. If I had not tried to accept her and make her feel welcome in our home, feeling as strongly as he does about her, he would not have stayed here, and here was the only place I could make sure he was taking his medications (for depression and the suboxone). My son was her first relationship after the tragic loss of her ex-boyfriend. He died of a heartattack from an overdose. My son was the first guy to warm her heart and help her heal from that loss. He's always been the type to try to help people (before the drugs). My son had smoked a little pot back in his high school days and he had a drinking problem during college, but this heroin addiction didn't start until almost a year ago. I'm not sure what her involvement was in it, but she was using again when he was. Also, the police said that someone saw a white car (which she has) speeding away. She claims that she refused to be a part of it, BUT I think maybe she sped off when things got hot there. I don't know how my son expected to leave with whatever he was stealing without a vehicle to take it in. Hopefully, if she did that, this will be the end of his relationship with her! Also, ironically, his ex-girlfriend who he has never gotten over called tonight to see how he was doing (she had heard he has a drug addiction problem), and I told her he was just arrested. She said to tell him that she will always be there for him and she'd like to see him. Maybe this will be a blessing in disguise...that he will finally see that his current girlfriend isn't good for him. Maybe God allowed him to get caught so that he couldn't get the drugs and overdose (with being on the suboxone). While I was running around looking for him to stop him from stealing, I was praying for whatever needed to happen to keep him safe...whether I caught him and stopped him or he got caught to keep him from using.
Sorry....didn't mean to talk (type) your ear off! I can't sleep.
Love,
Susan
I didn't take it that you were making light of my situation so don't be concerned about that. Life goes on no matter what circumstances we face. While some of us are grieving some loss, there are others who are concerned for us but don't FEEL the loss as strongly as we do, and they can lift our spirits if even for a few seconds...that's a blessing. I remember being in the receiving line at my dad's funeral, and some people would come up and say something funny about him (he loved to tell jokes), and it would make me laugh and remember those good times. It didn't take away from the sincerity of my dad's funeral, it enhanced his memory.
As far as the girlfriend....I have been TRYING to accept her and not put blame on her, but many people (other family members) do blame her. If I had not tried to accept her and make her feel welcome in our home, feeling as strongly as he does about her, he would not have stayed here, and here was the only place I could make sure he was taking his medications (for depression and the suboxone). My son was her first relationship after the tragic loss of her ex-boyfriend. He died of a heartattack from an overdose. My son was the first guy to warm her heart and help her heal from that loss. He's always been the type to try to help people (before the drugs). My son had smoked a little pot back in his high school days and he had a drinking problem during college, but this heroin addiction didn't start until almost a year ago. I'm not sure what her involvement was in it, but she was using again when he was. Also, the police said that someone saw a white car (which she has) speeding away. She claims that she refused to be a part of it, BUT I think maybe she sped off when things got hot there. I don't know how my son expected to leave with whatever he was stealing without a vehicle to take it in. Hopefully, if she did that, this will be the end of his relationship with her! Also, ironically, his ex-girlfriend who he has never gotten over called tonight to see how he was doing (she had heard he has a drug addiction problem), and I told her he was just arrested. She said to tell him that she will always be there for him and she'd like to see him. Maybe this will be a blessing in disguise...that he will finally see that his current girlfriend isn't good for him. Maybe God allowed him to get caught so that he couldn't get the drugs and overdose (with being on the suboxone). While I was running around looking for him to stop him from stealing, I was praying for whatever needed to happen to keep him safe...whether I caught him and stopped him or he got caught to keep him from using.
Sorry....didn't mean to talk (type) your ear off! I can't sleep.
Love,
Susan
No need to apologize for talking a lot , that is what we are all here for .
I agree with you in your hope that things happen for a reason . They so very much do. In my opinion even the worst of things can have a blessing if we look for it . My experiences in my life have proven that out to me. Up untill a year and a half ago , I was beginning to get very bitter about life , without going into long drawn out explanations , I have done a 180 degree turn in my entire outlook .
The short version of my story is that I am completly happy and content with who and where I am now . A series of one after another problems developed in my life , and looking at it now ..every single one had to happen in order for me to arrive here now . What had me almost in a suicidal depression , I now feel blessed to have had happen, when I was 15 I saw no future for me , looking for the good in all that happens to us , at 50 I now see and feel a long and fulfilling life. I could easily feel like I have wasted my life , but some of us have to travel a differant road to fully appreciate what life has to offer.
I compare it to something like ... If someone was blind from birth , and at 40 or 50 years old was given the gift of sight, looks out and sees what we see as awful , ( like the smog, the ghettos, unsightly areas) they would see the beauty we dont ....does that make any sense to you??
I pray the guardian angels we all have looking over us are at work for you and your son. try to get some sleep , dont over -worry ( ya, like a caring mother can do that ) bless you for being a caring mother AL
I agree with you in your hope that things happen for a reason . They so very much do. In my opinion even the worst of things can have a blessing if we look for it . My experiences in my life have proven that out to me. Up untill a year and a half ago , I was beginning to get very bitter about life , without going into long drawn out explanations , I have done a 180 degree turn in my entire outlook .
The short version of my story is that I am completly happy and content with who and where I am now . A series of one after another problems developed in my life , and looking at it now ..every single one had to happen in order for me to arrive here now . What had me almost in a suicidal depression , I now feel blessed to have had happen, when I was 15 I saw no future for me , looking for the good in all that happens to us , at 50 I now see and feel a long and fulfilling life. I could easily feel like I have wasted my life , but some of us have to travel a differant road to fully appreciate what life has to offer.
I compare it to something like ... If someone was blind from birth , and at 40 or 50 years old was given the gift of sight, looks out and sees what we see as awful , ( like the smog, the ghettos, unsightly areas) they would see the beauty we dont ....does that make any sense to you??
I pray the guardian angels we all have looking over us are at work for you and your son. try to get some sleep , dont over -worry ( ya, like a caring mother can do that ) bless you for being a caring mother AL