I met this girl two years ago and she was already doing drugs, when we met she would tell me which I found weird because a girl doesn't just tell someone that when we first met. As time went on she started using heroin and almost died from it. She went to rehab we lost contact and didn't talk again for a few months. Then she came back home and we talked a little bit and it turned out she was using heroin again. She came to me the day she stopped opened up to me about everything and we started talking again and I decided to take on a bigger role in her life and as time went on feelings developed since we talked everyday. A month went on and I found out she tries using again and since I knew the dealer I went out of my way to try and stop her from using behind her back. It led Into a huge fight because feelings were invloved and I called her dad but didn't tell him about the messages her dealer showed me. I would do anything to try and help her. We fixed things and kept getting closer then we had plans but she cancelled and later on she asked me for money and I gave it to her and now regret it because she started using again and I think my money went to it. Fast forward two months she was using and didn't tell anyone. I was there for her during her withdrawals. Her parents wanted me to talk to her so I did and this time the 3rd day of withdrawals she wouldn't tell me a thing about using which was very weird for her. Now she's back in rehab and comes out soon and ik she shouldn't have a relationship for at least a year. How can I help her during this recovery process? I never dealt with an addict before? I truly care and love her
Dear Phil, You sound like a nice guy,by your words and actions you really seem to care about this girl. ..Love is not an emotion to take lightly....Love is based upon many building blocks...there is physical attraction,friendship trust faith ...You have stated she has lied to you...many addicts lie to cover their addiction...I am glad she once again is in rehab but you have to realize rehab is not the almighty cure...it is a step ...she may fall and stumble again ,yet if it is HER CHOICE, to begin the recovery process by all means encourage her.You can go to meetings of your own so you understand addiction and the meaning of enabling ...The reason for the year wait. Relationship is so her first focus will be on her recovery. ..who is to say you can't be there for her ,yet take the time to be able to begin to trust her...addicts cannot be handed trust...they earn it through words actions ...if it is meant to be time is not of the essence. ...Love is not afraid of time love realizes it is patient...infatuation is fearful. ..it wants to hurry cause it is afraid it will pass.....Encourage and allow her to recover....if she is healthy it will benefit you both...if it's meant to be slow down and allow things to develop slowly....she needs to focus on herself and her recovery right now....
Through it all she is my best friend, I truly care about her. I'll always be there for her. This is her 3rd trip to rehab, and it was her choice to go or go back to school. Personally I thought it was better to go back to college so she can can her education but now I realize rehab is the better place. It just confuses me why she wouldn't open up to me about this like she would in the past
hi phil-she may have been ashamed of herself having relapsed again-shame is a big part of addiction and relapse-we dont think like you- the advice you got from C mom is bang on correct-give her time and space to get a handle on her recovery-it takes hard work- be there for her- she may well relapse again- you must be prepared for that- very few addicts make it without relapsing several times- i did many times- you need to be aware of what you are taking on- if she starts using again-she will lie, she may steal, she will manipulate you to get drugs- thats how we behave when in active addiction- you need to be prepared to deal with that- but realise she has not set out to hurt you-it is how we behave- thats not an excuse - just a fact-when the disease of addiction has a hold on us - we will do anything to get the drugs our body and mind crave- she will need help to beat this addiction- few make it without support- but learn about enabling- there is a fine line between helping/caring and enabling. - you need to be sure you are willing to take on this battle- for that is what it is- and it is for the long road- recovery is a lifelong struggle- though it does get somewhat easier the more clean time we get- she is lucky she has somebody like yourself to support her- but remember what ever choice she makes- it is not your responsibility, if she decides to use- it is her decision, her choice-DO NOT FEEL GUILTY- i truly hope she gets it first time and things work out for both of you- best of luck for the future-
I am more prepared then I was in the past I hope,in the past I believed in tough love and didn't care as much because it's ultimately her decision. Since she came back into my life I made a promise to myself and god to always be there for her. I don't do drugs so this is very new to me still. I witnessed her go through the withdrawals last month and it was the most upsetting thing I ever witnessed. I still was there nd took care of her. I just hope this time in rehab works I really do. My family really doesn't want me involved same goes with my friends but I'll never give up on her nd her journey to recovery
Dear Phil, As I said you sound like a really nice guy...traveling man is right she probably was ashamed she relapsed, though part of the recovery process is coming to terms with what you have done,acknowledge it and if need be apologize for it...I believe you when you say you will be there for her...a addict doesn't make the drug bad,in turn it is the grip of the drug that drives the addict to make poor choices...my son is an amazing warm hearted lovable guy when he is drug free...so I believe you when you say you see something special in her....your friends and family fear you getting hurt and it is hard loving a addict...as I said get counseling for yourself and take it slow...You adjust according to her actions
..it's her race to win ...You stand by and cheer her on..but ultimately it's her race to win.Wishing you all the best....I hope she addresses her addiction and begins her road to recovery.
..it's her race to win ...You stand by and cheer her on..but ultimately it's her race to win.Wishing you all the best....I hope she addresses her addiction and begins her road to recovery.
I hope she can too, thank you for the kind words it means a lot. Hopefully I hear from her when she gets out right now her phone calls are limited. I just hope things are ok and recovery goes smoothly. She's made in 9 months sober in the past so I'm hopeful
Dear Phil,We're always here for you...we understand. ...
Dear Phil,
You sounds like you are one of the "good ones". I wish our world had more people like you.
In order to be the best possible support for your addicted loved one, please consider joining an Al Anon or NAR Anon group. It is important to learn life skills that will allow you to love her in a way that does not enable. In my opinion, it is near impossible for a caring person not to get sucked into dangerous codependent behavior.
Someone smarter than me taught me: Codependency has killed more addicts than the drugs themselves. This may sound harsh, but I believe it to be true.
I have yet to met the person whose entire life was enriched by starting their own program of recovery as a codependent.
I wish the same for you.
Flyboy
You sounds like you are one of the "good ones". I wish our world had more people like you.
In order to be the best possible support for your addicted loved one, please consider joining an Al Anon or NAR Anon group. It is important to learn life skills that will allow you to love her in a way that does not enable. In my opinion, it is near impossible for a caring person not to get sucked into dangerous codependent behavior.
Someone smarter than me taught me: Codependency has killed more addicts than the drugs themselves. This may sound harsh, but I believe it to be true.
I have yet to met the person whose entire life was enriched by starting their own program of recovery as a codependent.
I wish the same for you.
Flyboy
She got out yesterday and it's like she doesn't care about me anymore, like in a way it feel like I'm being punished for being there for her in her darkest hour, when she was going through the withdrawals a month ago
Hi Phil - be patient- coming out of rehab, she will be fragile, confused, ashamed of her past behaviour and racked with guilt-thats how it was for me, rehab will not "cure" her - she is an addict - she has a hell of a battle on her hands- give her time - many addicts relapse at this stage - the thought of facing life without their drugs/alcohol scare the s...t outta them - you have to learn that we (addicts) dont think like you or other people- your gonna have to work at this relationship if you want to make it work - give it time - best of luck to both of you-
Dear Phil,Right now just focus on taking care of yourself,she is aware you are there.....She is aware you were there for her withdrawals.....She just might need time to adjust and begin to address her addiciton.It doesn't sound like you have done anything wrong....but you must not force yourself on her ,if she wants to reach out to you she will...You sound very sensitive and one thing about caring about an addict is you cannot be overly sensitive....caring for a addict is hard ...it's alot to take on...Focus on yourself ...if she wants to reach out she will....Allow her to focus on recovery...that's why an addict is advised to delay a realtionship during recovery...I doubt she is punishing you,it could be she is embarresed by her situation....only time will tell....You will get an answer in time...one way or another.
Dear Phil,
In my experience with getting clean, everyone in authority will tell you that no one should even think about being in ANY type of relationship for AT LEAST the 1st year of recovery.
Because as active addicts we didn't make very good decisions regarding our lives trying to manage a relationship with another human being is a lot to deal with.
Again, in my experience, in the early part of recovery you begin to feel and begin to make a bunch of changes in your life while trying to learn to "live life on life's terms" as the saying goes. Caring for yourself being clean/sober is one BIG commitment without adding another body to the mix. You are just starting to realize you have a life. I certainly wasn't emotionally ready for any type of commitment, except to do whatever I could to stay clean.
THAT could very well be the reason your gal is giving you the cold shoulder. Her sponsor, if she has one, is looking out for her needs, not yours. It is also possible that she didn't care for you (as much as the money you gave her) as much as you thought and if that is the case I am really sorry because as the others said, you seem like a good guy. Just be aware that addicts will lie and steal and tell you anything to get what they want & need...money and dope. She will either finally find her way or die trying.
good luck.
granny
In my experience with getting clean, everyone in authority will tell you that no one should even think about being in ANY type of relationship for AT LEAST the 1st year of recovery.
Because as active addicts we didn't make very good decisions regarding our lives trying to manage a relationship with another human being is a lot to deal with.
Again, in my experience, in the early part of recovery you begin to feel and begin to make a bunch of changes in your life while trying to learn to "live life on life's terms" as the saying goes. Caring for yourself being clean/sober is one BIG commitment without adding another body to the mix. You are just starting to realize you have a life. I certainly wasn't emotionally ready for any type of commitment, except to do whatever I could to stay clean.
THAT could very well be the reason your gal is giving you the cold shoulder. Her sponsor, if she has one, is looking out for her needs, not yours. It is also possible that she didn't care for you (as much as the money you gave her) as much as you thought and if that is the case I am really sorry because as the others said, you seem like a good guy. Just be aware that addicts will lie and steal and tell you anything to get what they want & need...money and dope. She will either finally find her way or die trying.
good luck.
granny
Phil,
According to your 1st post she shut you out in the past. Keep in mind she could of been using you and taking advantage of your kindness. Remember you called her dad so she might have a resentment from that. Also when us addicts are in the grip of addiction and suffering it does make us feel better by opening up to another person. Just because she chose you to open up too. Dont take that as being special. Sometimes it makes us feel better when we open our souls when the drugs run out. We get very vulnerable. I dont say this to hurt your feelings. You do sound like a great guy. Keep your distance. She knows how to get a hold of you if she needs you. go live your life. It is very hard to have a relationship with a known addict. Good luck..
Joseph
According to your 1st post she shut you out in the past. Keep in mind she could of been using you and taking advantage of your kindness. Remember you called her dad so she might have a resentment from that. Also when us addicts are in the grip of addiction and suffering it does make us feel better by opening up to another person. Just because she chose you to open up too. Dont take that as being special. Sometimes it makes us feel better when we open our souls when the drugs run out. We get very vulnerable. I dont say this to hurt your feelings. You do sound like a great guy. Keep your distance. She knows how to get a hold of you if she needs you. go live your life. It is very hard to have a relationship with a known addict. Good luck..
Joseph
Normal relationships require work and maintenance. Loving an addict is an emotionally exhausting ,unpredictable experience. I've been positive and patient. Just when I felt hope the rollercoaster makes an abrupt turn you're not ready for. Maybe a coincidence ? Hard to understand if you were in a relationship before attempted recovery, where it will go. Went through WD's with Gf 3 times until she started subs. First day on subs she changed into a person I couldn't imagine. I could only guess what her mind is going through giving up her best friend of 5 years (pills) entering basically the unknown..more than willing to listen, step back, but it all does not matter when she does not want to take what is available to her. Even though she had written out the things she would like to change and goals she has set for herself. It all felt so promising.It all disappeared along with her. It is so difficult to not be involved especially when we have a baby together..I really thought we were on the right path. She finally had an opportunity to help me with something which is struggling through little daily things with a broken leg. Actually I think she felt good being able to take care of me for once..Maybe it was too much and pushed her OFF the edge of her sanity. Went crazy and got abusive while I'm in a wheelchair. Can't have her with me anymore even though I would have enjoyed the help while I was just trying to be there for her.. Never an explanation, just another broken heart and loneliness. And of all things I'm left with a bottle of the same pills for my pain, that I blame pruning our lives
Beingme,
I sent you a message. Look at subject: Pregnant, Goyfriend smoking crack..
I sent you a message. Look at subject: Pregnant, Goyfriend smoking crack..
Sorry. Boyfriend
Things are looking good I hope, she says she needs to love herself before she can love anyone else. My thing is that I normally let order stuff with my card if she needs clothes and what not. This time she wanted cash nd kept asking for it at certain times. Like an idiot I gave her 400$ in cash thinking that if she really means this recovery the money goes towards clothes for her new job... I hope I didn't mAke a mistake because now she's back to being weird agsin nd says her liver is acting up
Never, ever give cash to a recovering addict. That is as good as going and buying the drugs for them.
Also never give a receipt. But even then I found out she returned things to get a gift card and would sell it to a friend for 50 cents on the dollar. Does the same with food stamp card.. Very clever and gutsy. Thought that if she was sober everything would be good. Even when on suboxone the lying and deciet continued but not sure for what. I actually thought I might not like her as much being sober. I guess you let the drugs act as an excuse to be irresponsible and bitchy. I was wrong on that one too !( Don't know how to retrieve private message Joseph, sorry.) So hard to understand the selfishness that would take things away from a child. Hopefully we all will get past this someday. I know I will for myself and my daughter..
