WOW! that was some dinner. I don't have a bad relationship with my daughter, but my wife is s "grizzly" mother and really hasn't let me do much of the child raising, that was fine when they were young, but she never went to college and doesn't know much about how to push ahead in a career/profession, me and my two brothers are successful and I'm worried about my daughter cause I haven't really been able to get across and raise her to know a lot of different truths.
So I took here to this unbelieably special French Manor restaraunt, overlooking beautiful country. It was a very special night and something we will always remember. I had a tie on and she was as always, incredibly beautiful and poised. See this started because her lenient mother let her go on two trips with her boyfiriend this summer, and I was so worried that she was going to go to school and her boyfriend would pull her back. And I think part of the reason I straightened up was because I know my daugther needs me know, and I can't be there if I'm stoned constantly.
So we were the only ones in the restaraunt for almost an hour(in bus 10 yrs though, sun nt), and we had a young, inexper waiter(funny), but I told her all I knew about the famly tree, all I knew about my parents lives, how they met, how they pushed and pushed me and my brothers to be something and HOW important it was that they had an opinion on what we were doing. And how even though it seemed my parents were overbearing, and they were, it was because they cared and thank god, because it has worked out for me, except that Im a full out pothead, secretely. And in college I was a very bad druggie, drinking champ, most unlikely to succeed.
So I told her I dont drink cause I was in a frat and drinking got out of hand and 1st year of school after college I called AA (81)and that saved my life. I didnt mention POT, and I wont. I dont believe in telling your kids BAD things you did,(unless you have to) because no matter what, they mimic their parents. But she knows I dont drink and I thought she should know why.
We are not close like I want to be and much of it is because I havent been able to get a word edgewise with her mother hovering, thinking Im torturing my kids, just because I want to try to raise them right. (her family believes in liaise faire child raising and it shows).
The HardCharger even had tears in his eyes. But I told everything in my heart that Ive wanted to tell her for years, and told her how college is going to be and how it is going to change her and she should have a good attitude and adapt. (90 minutes away). I told her how my parents sacrificed everything to put three of us through private school and I dont know how they did it because they ware middle class, but no new cars, no eating out, and I have always respected that.
My one college pot head buddy, liberal, thought it would be okay to tell his kid pot was okay, blah blah blah, and kid ended up screwing college up, smoking too much pot, and coming home and basically ruining his early life and not living up to his potential, and NOW my friend quit pot and I know why, because he knows he has to be an example for his kid and to be mentally there for him. I can see that, and I hope I can do that and it is not too late. Raising these kids is brain surgery and I need every faculty. Thats called responsibility. And right now I have that, but dont trust me nothing, cause that NY fancy weed does sound pretty good<g>!! But just for today Im happy to be trying to live the right way.
It started out almost so bad, my kid wanted to drive herself, we dont spend time together and she thought it was just a hassle (wanted to go to roller derby??, go Jim Trotter and Judy Arnold<g>, right girls), but I insisted. And cause Im a HardCharger she can be scared of me a bit. So that was that! Also, I told her, when she needs to come home I go get her, Ill take off work no problem, but that boyfriend is not her chauffer, I am.
I tried to explain to her, that after H.S. the big leagues start and there are so many ways to screw up in life and if she has some guidance and at least consider it, she will be better off. I gave her examples of different people we know that did very stupid things and are now paying a long term price for it. I told her all about how hard the HardCharger worked early in his life, so he can be ahead now. Luckily HC never got caught smoking da weed or I would be in that category of living with my f ups.
I told her that she is not a person she is a MAGNET. Meaning she will become magnetized by the people around her and the situations she is in. I told her to look and accept the truth in everything she sees and don't lie to herself just because it is convenient or easier to accept.
touching story hc- trust me in years to come your daughter will cherish that dinner and the conversation. some of us girls have odd relationships with our daddy's that we really don't understand. i can assure you without even knowing you or her that it will make a difference in her life and her experience as she grows into herself. she may not be able to articulate that now but someday i hope she does. was a beautiful thing, even the tears in your eyes shows how much you love her and how much you want her to excel, to grow, to go on the right path.
my father couldn't articulate such feelings, and it was a very complicated and sadly abusive relationship. how well i remember the day my parents drove me to my college several hours from where i grew up. we had discussed money, my father had saved well to help me thru school, (more than help me) i had a little budget for spending and we agreed that i would get a part time job etc. before they left my father pulled me aside, put a $20 bill in my hand, with tears in his own eyes he said. "keep it just in case and don't tell your mother".... that gesture has sustained me to this day. one of the kinder things my daddy did... and i didn't disappoint him. i worked part time in the school cafeteria serving dinner and bussing tables and worked hard to get good grades that made him very proud.
sure i partied in school but hey it was the late 70's:). but thru it all i pulled good grades and learned much. at my father's death bed not long ago i reminded him of these things and thanked him for many things.... significantly for my life and for all the skills i use today in my work that come so easily for me that are all because of him, his intellect and his talents. it was there we found our peace. and he left this world knowing although lots of things he did really wrong, irreversably wrong. there were things he did do right.
i think as parents if we can do that, we have done our job really well.
good for you hardcharger, you reached into yourself and pulled out the best and honest truth for your daughter. your words will certainly guide her. and she knows you are there for her. a beautiful story.
my college years were the best years of my life. i hope it's that way for your daughter and more... that she learns and grows and remembers who is behind her and what is best for her. you sent her on her way with love and honesty and the important things she should know.
i could go on and on but i'll start to cry myself.
-jojo
my father couldn't articulate such feelings, and it was a very complicated and sadly abusive relationship. how well i remember the day my parents drove me to my college several hours from where i grew up. we had discussed money, my father had saved well to help me thru school, (more than help me) i had a little budget for spending and we agreed that i would get a part time job etc. before they left my father pulled me aside, put a $20 bill in my hand, with tears in his own eyes he said. "keep it just in case and don't tell your mother".... that gesture has sustained me to this day. one of the kinder things my daddy did... and i didn't disappoint him. i worked part time in the school cafeteria serving dinner and bussing tables and worked hard to get good grades that made him very proud.
sure i partied in school but hey it was the late 70's:). but thru it all i pulled good grades and learned much. at my father's death bed not long ago i reminded him of these things and thanked him for many things.... significantly for my life and for all the skills i use today in my work that come so easily for me that are all because of him, his intellect and his talents. it was there we found our peace. and he left this world knowing although lots of things he did really wrong, irreversably wrong. there were things he did do right.
i think as parents if we can do that, we have done our job really well.
good for you hardcharger, you reached into yourself and pulled out the best and honest truth for your daughter. your words will certainly guide her. and she knows you are there for her. a beautiful story.
my college years were the best years of my life. i hope it's that way for your daughter and more... that she learns and grows and remembers who is behind her and what is best for her. you sent her on her way with love and honesty and the important things she should know.
i could go on and on but i'll start to cry myself.
-jojo
