Julz I think would like to post. Kind of was where so many of us were at one time. Always have to keep it green too so I was thinking maybe we or I would post something way wrong I did while getting high.
O.K. and this is public. I pawned every piece of good jewelry I owned. Two carat diamonds and the whole bit. Tickets elapsed. I used to go back in that shop with other stuff, and say I was visiting my rings and s*it.
Then I stole everyone elses jewelry in the house that wasn't on their body. Then of course ya know you're CD's just GO. Talk 3/4 of other people's. Then I did this: I am ashamed. It was one short of taking the kids playstation and the games an all. After emptying out loot and cashing bonds. Ya know what they can put this on the Rock Of Gibraltar!!!!!!! People should know how ya go, and it's one step next to selling yourself or mugging an elderly person. No matter how high I was or how sick and they never say never I would not hurt another human. ME!!!!!!! Yeah, it'd be me to go. No doubt.
So, my dad who had died so suddenly, right? He had a huge collection of films. Movies. Hundreds. He loved his movies. VHS and DVD's. Well, I mean he collected ones you can't buy anywhere. Special order and all.
My mum's wouldn't go down where they were. Couldn't take herself down there to look at them. Wouldn't watch a film. What's an addict do??? LIGHTBULB!
Nobody will know TODAY. I'll take a few. I don't have a vehicle so I needed a trash bag. I cleaned them out and I mean probably 150 of them in about a week. At first I tried to pick ones I knew nobody would want or watch.
Ohhhhh, it took a little time, but one day she is freaking out. Where are the movies? What movies? WHAT MOVIES??????????? There was over 100 movies down there, and nobody came in here, and I'd have known it. "I have no idea what you're talking about"
I stole them and sold them for a mere buck a piece. No shame or guilt. While I was taking them. Seems like no big deal, but that's the thing she had of my dad's she felt close to. Ya know they watched together. Didn't I lie the entire time? I mean what could a person say????????? I did way worse things but that one I felt really bad about later. I was a sneak and a thief and a liar.
That ain't normal, and walking a mile or so carrying a big 'ol green trash bag full of flicks wasn't normal, Julz. Like Diff says we ain't normal. Just clean.
I think the thing I still cringe about the most was when I had a friend come live with me. He was a really nice young lad. Built like a brick s*** house, but gentle, a potter. His father had died on Xmas day when he was just 15, and this friend would wear his fathers ring. A big gold medallion. Now this lad was owing me rent, but didn't have the money, and I needed to score and was on the bones of my arse as usual. I saw his ring in a kitchen cupboard - he musta taken it off when he was working with clay. I took it to the pawn shop and sold it for less than 100. I told myself I'd redeem it when I got some cash together and put it back, but yeah, like I was really gonna do that...
He asked me some time later if I'd seen his fathers ring. I denied all knowledge...
He musta known, but never said anything. I still see him every few weeks, and I'm now friends with his mother. I'd love to get him that ring back. I know how it feels to lose something like that. I pawned in a diamond eternity ring that my nanna left me in her will, and I was supposed to redeem it within 28 days, but never got round to it. I totally freaked when I found the pawn slip and realised that it was out of date. I got to the pawn shop, and it was on sale in the window. They let me buy it back on the never never, and eventually I got it back. It would have killed me to lose that ring. After that, it never left my finger until I got pregnant and my fingers swelled up so I had to take it off. Now, when I'm feeling low, I get it out of my jewelry box and just hold it in my hand. Fortunately for me, the pawnshop never realised it's true value - it's platinum, but has no hallmarks. I had it independently valued a few years back - they told me it was probably a one off piece, specially commissioned for my grandmother, and it was worth about 1000. I got it back for fraction of that...
I feel really s***ty for doing that to my friend...
Diffster x
He asked me some time later if I'd seen his fathers ring. I denied all knowledge...
He musta known, but never said anything. I still see him every few weeks, and I'm now friends with his mother. I'd love to get him that ring back. I know how it feels to lose something like that. I pawned in a diamond eternity ring that my nanna left me in her will, and I was supposed to redeem it within 28 days, but never got round to it. I totally freaked when I found the pawn slip and realised that it was out of date. I got to the pawn shop, and it was on sale in the window. They let me buy it back on the never never, and eventually I got it back. It would have killed me to lose that ring. After that, it never left my finger until I got pregnant and my fingers swelled up so I had to take it off. Now, when I'm feeling low, I get it out of my jewelry box and just hold it in my hand. Fortunately for me, the pawnshop never realised it's true value - it's platinum, but has no hallmarks. I had it independently valued a few years back - they told me it was probably a one off piece, specially commissioned for my grandmother, and it was worth about 1000. I got it back for fraction of that...
I feel really s***ty for doing that to my friend...
Diffster x
I guess this is the one thing out of many that still bothers me the most: My brother died in a drunk tank. He had attempted suicide and when ems got there, the cops were there and decided he was just drunk and took him to jail. Well, on behalf of my parents, my sister sued the police dpt. She got aq tidy little sum. My sister had power of attorney over both parents and she was just beginning to smoke crack. She probably spent about $60,000 on crack before I stopped her. I took power of attorney away from her and then proceeded to spend the rest on heroin. I won't say how much. I'm ashamed but I spent alot more than my sister did. My parents didn't really get anything out of it. 2 years after the settlement my Mom was on food stamps again and in government housing. My brother still doesn't speak to me. Mom and Dad never said anything to me about that. They were just upset that I fought with my sister. They're both dead now, so even if I could, I can't repay them. And it my brother,s blood money. Is that all his life was worth? A years supply of heroin and crack? I'll carry that one with me until I die. No way to let it go!
Wow ,this bear your soul thing might be good for you but when I think about the ugly sh*t I did I cant believe it,- I.ll give youse one.....
OK -I worked in a big fishing supply company. The warehouse was loaded with reels and rods , and I had a job where I took care of the inventory and loaded trailers that came in for pick-ups,
This was a long time ago so security and computers and sh*t in general was very lax ,when compared to today.- First it started as a fishing reel in my jacket now and then- - then it progressed to wheeling and dealing with the truck drivers for a case or 2 for bigger $$.
Then it got way out of hand- - inventory was changed ,altered to cover my thievery-
I loaded pallet after pallet of fishing equipment onto trailers after I set it up in advance with the drivers. About a year went by- thousands of dollars changed hands- before everything came crashing down.
A truck driver had gotten caught selling "hot" fishing reels in an undercover theft sting- which the cops set up to catch truck drivers who were selling stolen merchandise. They pulled over this trailer and asked the driver to see the proper paperwork for all the stuff on the truck- Well this guy freaked out -and sang like a canary- They came and picked me up a few days later. - When they came in for me ,I had the marked money that they set me up with, and I had 2 bags of heroin in my pocket.
I wont get into the whole aftermath but Im fortunate that I didnt go away for a very long time.They came to my parents house(where I was living) with search warrants and tore apart the garage and basement. It was embarrassing, my parents had to read my name in the paper( my kid wasn't born yet)- and cost a few bucks for a decent lawyer.
Ive paid my debt(more or less)to society but I think about how my Dad must have felt during that time. Coming to pick his son up at the police station -posting bail- back to court- the sentencing and fines- man did I feel like the lowest piece of sh*t ever.
All to support an out of control heroin habit- and I guess you could throw the gambling habit in there also.
Just as much of that cash went to bookies as went to dealers.
Ya want to hear some irony- -years later when my kid was about 5- he asked me to take him fishing. I didn't even have 1 lousy piece of equipment around -had to go buy it.
The things I did might leave my head for awhile- but the shame I brought on myself and my family sticks around
You get yourself together,and going foward , try to do and be the best person you can be- thats all you can do
best,
jack
OK -I worked in a big fishing supply company. The warehouse was loaded with reels and rods , and I had a job where I took care of the inventory and loaded trailers that came in for pick-ups,
This was a long time ago so security and computers and sh*t in general was very lax ,when compared to today.- First it started as a fishing reel in my jacket now and then- - then it progressed to wheeling and dealing with the truck drivers for a case or 2 for bigger $$.
Then it got way out of hand- - inventory was changed ,altered to cover my thievery-
I loaded pallet after pallet of fishing equipment onto trailers after I set it up in advance with the drivers. About a year went by- thousands of dollars changed hands- before everything came crashing down.
A truck driver had gotten caught selling "hot" fishing reels in an undercover theft sting- which the cops set up to catch truck drivers who were selling stolen merchandise. They pulled over this trailer and asked the driver to see the proper paperwork for all the stuff on the truck- Well this guy freaked out -and sang like a canary- They came and picked me up a few days later. - When they came in for me ,I had the marked money that they set me up with, and I had 2 bags of heroin in my pocket.
I wont get into the whole aftermath but Im fortunate that I didnt go away for a very long time.They came to my parents house(where I was living) with search warrants and tore apart the garage and basement. It was embarrassing, my parents had to read my name in the paper( my kid wasn't born yet)- and cost a few bucks for a decent lawyer.
Ive paid my debt(more or less)to society but I think about how my Dad must have felt during that time. Coming to pick his son up at the police station -posting bail- back to court- the sentencing and fines- man did I feel like the lowest piece of sh*t ever.
All to support an out of control heroin habit- and I guess you could throw the gambling habit in there also.
Just as much of that cash went to bookies as went to dealers.
Ya want to hear some irony- -years later when my kid was about 5- he asked me to take him fishing. I didn't even have 1 lousy piece of equipment around -had to go buy it.
The things I did might leave my head for awhile- but the shame I brought on myself and my family sticks around
You get yourself together,and going foward , try to do and be the best person you can be- thats all you can do
best,
jack
This is all so sad!
Sad people we were. Doing sad, sad stuff.
What is up with that?
Sad people we were. Doing sad, sad stuff.
What is up with that?
I've been thinking about this a few days now. At the start of my recovery "on methadone" i was ate alive with GUILT. I felt like a proper s*it bag for the better part of a year. Now nearly 2 years later... I sleep at night, I am getting to be alright with what I did. One THING that hurts me a lot is something that happend not something I DID. I use to keep a needle in my closet And one in the bathroom. I was going to the bathroom to sneak a shot away from my room mates "fiend's". I opened the door my 6 YEAR OLD! "at the time" droped my needle on the bathroom floor. She was playing with it!. She said she poked her hand and it ITCHES. Like a fool junkie I told her that it was like grandmal's medicine "grandmal is diabetic" she should not ever play with people's medicine. I still don't tell anyone that happend it hurt me so much "still dose". Not two weeks later the kids were taken away when i came down with a staph infection in my arm. I've thought how LUCKY there were times i would hide a pre mixed hit "a lil pick me up". Had it had dope in it...could've killed my kid. God we praised ourself "me and roomies" on being clean about it keeping stuff away from the kids NEVER letting them see us exc. My roomie use to put his works in the drop celling panal. To my knowledge they never saw anyone use "they have seen my granny take a diabetic shot". I bet a millon there are so many users WHO THINK there kids will never find their works. Well my girl can find ANYTHING!. Not even the fear that it could have had dope in it BUT i had not been tested at the time for hep c or hiv!. I was nearly to broke up to use. I quit 2 months later. Had that been my wake up call I would have never lost them i would never have got a infection i would have passed a drug test!.
Love the Hero Girl!
That was some sad stuff right there, HeroGirl.......I'm dang proud of you, and glad to know you........we all are!
That was some sad stuff right there, HeroGirl.......I'm dang proud of you, and glad to know you........we all are!
Well, after using heroin for about a year, it was apparent to me that sniffing it was just way too much money. I was trying to think of how I could get a ringe without having to go to the exchange. Then, I remembered that my friends little sister who was about 17 or so was a diabetic and when I used to go over there, I remember seeing her box of needles in the cupboard in the kitchen. I thought to myself, how can I find a reason to go over there? SO, I called him and he wasnt home so I called his girlfriend, who is also a great friend of mine, and it just so happens that she is with my friends mom, grandma, and sisters, including the diabetic at the mall, and my friend was working. BINGO, nobodys home. I never broke into anyones house other than this but yeah, I walked right in the unlocked back door and stole my friends little sister's diabetic needles. Thank god it never came around to bite me in the a**.
Throughout my 2 year addiction, My mom always had "just in case" money in her bedroom. Anywhere from 5000- 15000 dollars CASH at all times. I would take up to 1000 bucks a week to spend on Coke n Heroin and this went on for months and somehow every time I thought she would bust me out, I would discover that she "re-stocked" without ever knowing. When I told her about my problem I fessed up and she was just as amazed as i was as to why she never noticed. Talk about guilt. She would re-hide it like every 3 days for some reason, and I would frantically search for hours and never come up empty handed. How pathetic I was....
~SBS~
Throughout my 2 year addiction, My mom always had "just in case" money in her bedroom. Anywhere from 5000- 15000 dollars CASH at all times. I would take up to 1000 bucks a week to spend on Coke n Heroin and this went on for months and somehow every time I thought she would bust me out, I would discover that she "re-stocked" without ever knowing. When I told her about my problem I fessed up and she was just as amazed as i was as to why she never noticed. Talk about guilt. She would re-hide it like every 3 days for some reason, and I would frantically search for hours and never come up empty handed. How pathetic I was....
~SBS~
I think personally, the most traumatic consequence of my addiction (bearing in mind that I think just about every addict steals and is dishonest to some degree - it's the getting caught that really puts a downer on things!) was when I stood trial for robbery in Swansea Crown. I was lucky, but having that court case over my head for months was horrendous. I had a brilliant barrister, and I just told the truth when I was in the dock. It was a bit of a trumped up charge, more pick pocketing than robbery. But the woman who I was supposed to have robbed stood up and told the jury a big pack of lies about me, and she got caught out by the judge, who brought up all the inconsistencies in her story in his summing up. I never denied what I'd done, I just told it exactly how it was. The case took two days, and on the second day, I was waiting outside the court when I found a small silver coin on the steps, I picked it up an saw it was Irish. That's what I need, I thought, the luck of the Irish, and I held it in my hand all morning.
The judge told the jury that their decision came down to whether they believed me or her. It took them 15 mins to return a verdict of not guilty. The longest 15 mins of my life, especially as I had to sit at the back of the court whilst the judge passed sentence on another case - first time driving offence. Bloke in his 50's, got 18 months. I felt gutted for him when the judge said "Take the prisoner down!" I asked the guard what the judge was like, and she told me "Oh, he's a hardliner - you'll get at least two years..." Just what I wanted to hear! When I heard those two beautiful words "Not guilty" it was like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I walked out of that court like my feet weren't touching the ground! One of the clerks made me a cup of tea, and I never forget how good it tasted, even though it was too hot and didn't have enough milk in it. I walked barefoot up to this church about a mile up the road and sat on the grass - freedom never felt so sweet! When my friends turned up to collect me, they brought me a great big syringe full of smack, and even my veins were happy - a great big vein I'd never seen before (or since!) popped up in my ankle and I got it in first time, which at that point in my addiction was unheard of.
I never ever want to go through anything like that again. It was a big wake up call for me. I think it was almost a year before the case was finally heard by a jury, and every day I worried about it. I wouldn't let anybody come to court with me. I didn't want anybody to see me like that. It certainly taught me a lesson!
diffster x
The judge told the jury that their decision came down to whether they believed me or her. It took them 15 mins to return a verdict of not guilty. The longest 15 mins of my life, especially as I had to sit at the back of the court whilst the judge passed sentence on another case - first time driving offence. Bloke in his 50's, got 18 months. I felt gutted for him when the judge said "Take the prisoner down!" I asked the guard what the judge was like, and she told me "Oh, he's a hardliner - you'll get at least two years..." Just what I wanted to hear! When I heard those two beautiful words "Not guilty" it was like the weight of the world had been lifted from my shoulders. I walked out of that court like my feet weren't touching the ground! One of the clerks made me a cup of tea, and I never forget how good it tasted, even though it was too hot and didn't have enough milk in it. I walked barefoot up to this church about a mile up the road and sat on the grass - freedom never felt so sweet! When my friends turned up to collect me, they brought me a great big syringe full of smack, and even my veins were happy - a great big vein I'd never seen before (or since!) popped up in my ankle and I got it in first time, which at that point in my addiction was unheard of.
I never ever want to go through anything like that again. It was a big wake up call for me. I think it was almost a year before the case was finally heard by a jury, and every day I worried about it. I wouldn't let anybody come to court with me. I didn't want anybody to see me like that. It certainly taught me a lesson!
diffster x
SBS,
Thanks for sharing that with us. That hit me. You're not pathetic now.
Diff, wow. Girl, who would have thought?
Looking at this I'm seeing my stuff was not well trial waranting. Thank goodness.
Thanks for sharing that with us. That hit me. You're not pathetic now.
Diff, wow. Girl, who would have thought?
Looking at this I'm seeing my stuff was not well trial waranting. Thank goodness.
Where to start??...check fraud,credit cards,social welfare fraud..these three were a mainstay of getting cash when i was stuck.Also..Bryn did i ever tell ya i was married once..and it wasnt true love just the 2000grand..i got for turning up&making sure the Home office..believed me&my Ukranian bride..we went our separate ways after 6mnths...me with none of the $left&her with a British passport.When things got rather desperate we would do a thing called a kamikaze..i.e get as many c.ds or dvd.s..and make a lil diversion&run asap out of the shop..usually the security gaurds either didnt bother chasing us&if they did they usually gave up after a bit..theres nothing faster than a sick junkie with enough for a few bags in his pocket.
The one that ive got most guilt about is a coin collection my mum had it had been passed down a couple of generations&was worth quite a few bob,me i hocked the lot for f*** all&when i told her she was completly gutted..did i feel like one pure bad sorry junkie..coz thats what i was..she still forgave me..when she probobly should have went mental.Also getting locked up for a year on dealing charges was one of my personnel lows..but again my ma would not forsake me&visited every other week..but to see her in the visiting room after getting frisked etc.really broke my heart,...Yep a lot of regrets&shame..but its history&thank whoever will never happen again.Take care all.......Davey
The one that ive got most guilt about is a coin collection my mum had it had been passed down a couple of generations&was worth quite a few bob,me i hocked the lot for f*** all&when i told her she was completly gutted..did i feel like one pure bad sorry junkie..coz thats what i was..she still forgave me..when she probobly should have went mental.Also getting locked up for a year on dealing charges was one of my personnel lows..but again my ma would not forsake me&visited every other week..but to see her in the visiting room after getting frisked etc.really broke my heart,...Yep a lot of regrets&shame..but its history&thank whoever will never happen again.Take care all.......Davey
To everyone: 99.7 % of the crappy stuff I did on dope or for dope revolved around getting the cash to buy it. Like everyone else I begged , stole, pawned, it was nothing at that time.... just the means to get to the end. I would never do things like that now but, then it was not a second thought. Of course i have days I think about those i screwed over but, when all is said and done I can't change a darn thing that happend then. It was great of Bryn to post this even thou no one can change it.... it's just good for the soul to talk about guilt and get it out. It's not healthy to carry around that crap in your heart.
Personally I hate this damn thread, mainly because I HATE HATE HATE thinking on the things i did.......stole, lied, used ppl, ppl who loved and cared for me..........sold every possession i owned............And like zgirl said cant change a freaking thing...........so i dont go there, wel try not too, but as i deal daily with my own son in the throes of addiction.a boy I love more than lfe itself......a sweet, kind loving boy <well man> who is anyone but himself anymore, who has been robbing me blind, and breaks my heart every day......who every day reminds me of what scum i was........and cant help but feel guilt EVERY DAY.........but in some ways let him get away with so much, don't even bother confronting him anymore, he'l only lie, I did........he makes my daughter enraged, and so do I as i try to explain that he cant help himself.its not him, its the drugs.............mostly I cant stand this thread because it reminds me of the neglect and harm i did to my own children who i love more than anything.......,and at three yrs clean, i am still far from ready to deal with those feelings...........rambling I am sure, but its been a rough night as I watch him nod and tells me he is just exhausted and not high........<sigh>
Bryn,
Gotta ask. Why hang on to all this guilt and shame?? You continue to make amends everyday just by staying clean and helping others. Why do you insist on beating yourself up for things from the past that can't be changed? It's way past time to forgive yourself. Don't make me come up there and b*tch slap ya!
Gotta ask. Why hang on to all this guilt and shame?? You continue to make amends everyday just by staying clean and helping others. Why do you insist on beating yourself up for things from the past that can't be changed? It's way past time to forgive yourself. Don't make me come up there and b*tch slap ya!
I enjoy torturing myself and other, Cynical.
Haaa, I know, I know........now I just see my dearest friends post.......da*n I feel guilty for making her feel guilty.
Honestly, Cynical I started this thread because of JulzRobz......she'd leave little posts.........and they'd be like "I'm the only one at the school gate that's a heroin addict"............OR actually the thing prompted this was she said something like "You are all doing way better than me".
Something like that..........oh I remeber seeing clean people.......people that had years in and I was ready to go........if somebody didn't reach out and tell their story I was intimidated.........like well they were always better than me.....they never did any of this crap.
So yeah.........you are right.........as always.......HAHA........thanks, CO, and I know I know.........I need to listen to my girl more.........Tres.........always had some resilence no matter what.......oh and you Biotchio slap me, girl.....ya know ya B-More people.........B-More!!!!!!!!!! I was in rehab with a dude from B-More..........nicest guy........he was scared of us though.......oh you would be fighting me and Tres........Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa........two biggest sisies in the fre world.......I appreciate ya, Cynical I certainly do.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Haaa, I know, I know........now I just see my dearest friends post.......da*n I feel guilty for making her feel guilty.
Honestly, Cynical I started this thread because of JulzRobz......she'd leave little posts.........and they'd be like "I'm the only one at the school gate that's a heroin addict"............OR actually the thing prompted this was she said something like "You are all doing way better than me".
Something like that..........oh I remeber seeing clean people.......people that had years in and I was ready to go........if somebody didn't reach out and tell their story I was intimidated.........like well they were always better than me.....they never did any of this crap.
So yeah.........you are right.........as always.......HAHA........thanks, CO, and I know I know.........I need to listen to my girl more.........Tres.........always had some resilence no matter what.......oh and you Biotchio slap me, girl.....ya know ya B-More people.........B-More!!!!!!!!!! I was in rehab with a dude from B-More..........nicest guy........he was scared of us though.......oh you would be fighting me and Tres........Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa........two biggest sisies in the fre world.......I appreciate ya, Cynical I certainly do.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is strange Tres wrote how she hates, hates, hates everything she ever did in that heroin addiction.....As did so many others, and I sit here reading hating what you guys do to yourself in this guilt and shame.....
And for some of you.....no names mentioned Bryn :) what you allow others to place upon you long after things are done and over.....
I think they say you make amends, and move on. No you might not be fogiven, but that isn't in your control, and even if you aren't it doesn't mean anything more then you weren't. It isn't healthy to sit in that head trip it can cause.
Tres I am sorry about your son. My son will always be my shining star no matter what, my baby, and he walked this road of addiction and for the life of me I think wtf child didn't you learn. He was old enough to be told fully what was up with his father, saw heroin wd and all through his life we both educated him.....If it only was that easy....
And he uses crack....taps mac and thinks that it is normal to talk over a grand in less then two weeks. He sold everything he worked so hard for, over the years. And I would see his face and think, where are you, and was so angry that he just thought it was no big deal, no big deal mom, I am ok....I can stop, and then through 2 jobs, cause you can't really get out of that bed after hitting the pipe all night. I am not sure what he saw, what did it to make him take a chance on himself. It was totally by chance, things just were right there, and so fast. Within 4 days he lost his now 3rd job, my gf called pissed at me for avoiding her, I told her what had been up and boom, a rehab number and he went in...
He did this tres, not you. It isn't you fault, know that. There is no control, and he knew full well I am sure what he was playing with.....
I don't know what to say, this is so hard to watch....
I am sure you know the three c's....You didn't cause this, can't cure and and there is no control. These are really the most important things out there to keep present, especially when he is showing the hell he is in.
Letting him go, letting him live in the world he created helps as well. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions. From there love him, hug him, see him for more then he sees himself....
I had so much support while in this hell, don't shut anyone out ok. I am not sure if I would have come through this so well without the support I had.....
Take care of you, and be good to youself, and treat you gently. I will keep your son in my prayers.....
If you need anything, even if only to vent don't forget to post, either here on the family board. That is what this place if for....
Love,
Tina
And for some of you.....no names mentioned Bryn :) what you allow others to place upon you long after things are done and over.....
I think they say you make amends, and move on. No you might not be fogiven, but that isn't in your control, and even if you aren't it doesn't mean anything more then you weren't. It isn't healthy to sit in that head trip it can cause.
Tres I am sorry about your son. My son will always be my shining star no matter what, my baby, and he walked this road of addiction and for the life of me I think wtf child didn't you learn. He was old enough to be told fully what was up with his father, saw heroin wd and all through his life we both educated him.....If it only was that easy....
And he uses crack....taps mac and thinks that it is normal to talk over a grand in less then two weeks. He sold everything he worked so hard for, over the years. And I would see his face and think, where are you, and was so angry that he just thought it was no big deal, no big deal mom, I am ok....I can stop, and then through 2 jobs, cause you can't really get out of that bed after hitting the pipe all night. I am not sure what he saw, what did it to make him take a chance on himself. It was totally by chance, things just were right there, and so fast. Within 4 days he lost his now 3rd job, my gf called pissed at me for avoiding her, I told her what had been up and boom, a rehab number and he went in...
He did this tres, not you. It isn't you fault, know that. There is no control, and he knew full well I am sure what he was playing with.....
I don't know what to say, this is so hard to watch....
I am sure you know the three c's....You didn't cause this, can't cure and and there is no control. These are really the most important things out there to keep present, especially when he is showing the hell he is in.
Letting him go, letting him live in the world he created helps as well. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions. From there love him, hug him, see him for more then he sees himself....
I had so much support while in this hell, don't shut anyone out ok. I am not sure if I would have come through this so well without the support I had.....
Take care of you, and be good to youself, and treat you gently. I will keep your son in my prayers.....
If you need anything, even if only to vent don't forget to post, either here on the family board. That is what this place if for....
Love,
Tina
Thanks guys.........and my dear dear friend bryn....NEVEr feel guilty........I love youso much and w/out you in my life i would truly be over the top.....she is my support..........only she can really understand how i feel..........we've been there.....
tina, I know all about the three c's....think that is what makes this so difficult.I know i have no control.............know that no mater how much I love him and he knows i do, that I cant love him clean............he has to want this, want to do the work, Its not easy.I know it, all of you know it...........yet i want my son back......what i do is pray..pray , pray and pray some more..........fluctuate betwen kicking him out and lettng him stay here,which i am fully aware that is making it easier for him to get high...........oh I know lots of stuff, but knowing and actng r two completely different things........I know, well I hope and pray, that he will find his way in his own time, tel him al the time, al he has to do is ask, ask for help and i wil help him, tell him I know.I understand......but he is big big denail........so I pray and ask the angels above every day to guard him and keep him safe until he's ready to help himself.........meanwhile i hope he doesnt burn my house down........or alienate his sister forever.....i do know that when this baby arrives............my grandbaby will not live in a house where there is fear and thievery and someone nodding wiht a cigaretted...........so choices wil have to be made.Lord I am tired...........
tina, I know all about the three c's....think that is what makes this so difficult.I know i have no control.............know that no mater how much I love him and he knows i do, that I cant love him clean............he has to want this, want to do the work, Its not easy.I know it, all of you know it...........yet i want my son back......what i do is pray..pray , pray and pray some more..........fluctuate betwen kicking him out and lettng him stay here,which i am fully aware that is making it easier for him to get high...........oh I know lots of stuff, but knowing and actng r two completely different things........I know, well I hope and pray, that he will find his way in his own time, tel him al the time, al he has to do is ask, ask for help and i wil help him, tell him I know.I understand......but he is big big denail........so I pray and ask the angels above every day to guard him and keep him safe until he's ready to help himself.........meanwhile i hope he doesnt burn my house down........or alienate his sister forever.....i do know that when this baby arrives............my grandbaby will not live in a house where there is fear and thievery and someone nodding wiht a cigaretted...........so choices wil have to be made.Lord I am tired...........
Ach, the GUILT!
Ohhhhhhh, I got faith Uncle is going to be well for baby time.
Yo, Tres when ya see Cynical One and Misty Eyes posted for ya in a row well you are loved, honey. Meanwhile we gotta offer them out. Everybody Was Kung-Fu fighting.......haaaaa......they are a force those two together.
Thanks Tina, that helped so much. Love that chick.
Ohhhhhhh, I got faith Uncle is going to be well for baby time.
Yo, Tres when ya see Cynical One and Misty Eyes posted for ya in a row well you are loved, honey. Meanwhile we gotta offer them out. Everybody Was Kung-Fu fighting.......haaaaa......they are a force those two together.
Thanks Tina, that helped so much. Love that chick.
I know tres....
It makes no damn sense, it hurts like hell to watch your child walk this....
Just hang on, keep praying. After that I am not sure what else there is.
Him living there, him out...There are no easy answers, ever. And to many questions, to many what if's.....
In time, his time he will come to you for help.....And in the time waiting, oh s*** I dont' even know I was short of stable in my head while I watched. Stuck in this someone tell me wtf is going on. It still doesn't make any damn sense, but my son is out of the madness today ( tomoorrow I step into at all ), and well there may be the hope in it all. Not like you and Bryn and all those here don't shine in that hope.
Bryn love that alter ego....lmao, kung fu fighting....
You both have a wonderful Sunday and take good care of yourselves.
Love,
Tina
It makes no damn sense, it hurts like hell to watch your child walk this....
Just hang on, keep praying. After that I am not sure what else there is.
Him living there, him out...There are no easy answers, ever. And to many questions, to many what if's.....
In time, his time he will come to you for help.....And in the time waiting, oh s*** I dont' even know I was short of stable in my head while I watched. Stuck in this someone tell me wtf is going on. It still doesn't make any damn sense, but my son is out of the madness today ( tomoorrow I step into at all ), and well there may be the hope in it all. Not like you and Bryn and all those here don't shine in that hope.
Bryn love that alter ego....lmao, kung fu fighting....
You both have a wonderful Sunday and take good care of yourselves.
Love,
Tina
