Well, I'm pretty sure most folks could use more friends . . . real friends who care. Mostly I have just my family for that, so I'm looking for someone to say Hey, what's up? What did you do today? What's important to you? What are you struggling with?
I love to write letters but haven't been doing a whole lot of that lately.
I can't seem to get enough clean time to realize the happiness of life.
Had a glass of wine so maybe that's affecting me.
What I do know is I have dinner all ready to go and a 16 yr. old who just asked me if I want to watch a movie with him so yes, life is really good.
Hi Almost There,
nice to meet you, I'm Kat. I'm a Mother of four, Grandmother of four and a recovering addict. If you've told your story I don't know it. I was offline for awhile.
If you'd like to share, I'd love to hear it.
xxxooo
nice to meet you, I'm Kat. I'm a Mother of four, Grandmother of four and a recovering addict. If you've told your story I don't know it. I was offline for awhile.
If you'd like to share, I'd love to hear it.
xxxooo
This is most of what I posted Dec. 8th: I have been using pain pills for the last 5-6, 7? years, prior to that it was alcohol. I started with a "sympathetic" Dr. willing to write prescriptions for various narcotics (vicodan, percocet, morphine and oxys) for the pain in my back. MRI's and X-rays were done and nothing major was found. Maybe RA, but the prescriptions kept increasing in strength and numbers and continued until he "retired." Then I had to start all over with a new Dr., more referrals to pain specialists, pain management clinics, etc. I've been on methadone, suboxone and gone CT several times. After coming up short on my prescriptions a couple months the new Doc didn't feel comfortable treating me anymore. That was Oct. 12th; she gave me methadone for the next 9 days; 3 x's a day for 3 days, then 2 x's a day for 3 days, then 1 for 3 days and then 1/2 for 3 and done.
Since that time, I've gone in for 2 shots of a steroid to see if it helps with the back pain and another new prescription for vicodan. The prescription to last 2 weeks, it's gone in a few days; then I start all over again. So, that's the short version of my story . . . I feel like I've made progress, I'm able to remember things now and I don't fall asleep every night watching t.v. But there are piles of clothes and I have 0 energy to do anything.
Since that time, I've gone in for 2 shots of a steroid to see if it helps with the back pain and another new prescription for vicodan. The prescription to last 2 weeks, it's gone in a few days; then I start all over again. So, that's the short version of my story . . . I feel like I've made progress, I'm able to remember things now and I don't fall asleep every night watching t.v. But there are piles of clothes and I have 0 energy to do anything.
not sure exactly how this works but maybe if I bump it to the top then Kat256 might say something back?
Hi Almost There!
I'm so sorry I didn't respond sooner. Between work, Kids, my one year old Granddaughter and my new addiction...Farmville, I haven't checked here too often. And yes, this is exactly how it works. We just talk back and forth to each other.
I came to this board in a similar situation to you. All of our stories are a little different but our disease and it's symptoms are not unique.
What ended up making all the difference for me was a friend I made here. All the people here were great but one woman kind of scooped me up and showed me the way. I don't even know if I'd be alive today if not for her.
I isolated and hid my disease so much that being able to share freely about it was just amazing to me. When I went through wd for the last time it wasn't even so bad. She had me hyped up and excited about the whole thing and talked to me non stop through it all.
I had to trust somebody. My way didn't work and God knows I'd tried for many years.
So how are you feeling today?
xxxooo
p.s. Want to share your name?
I'm so sorry I didn't respond sooner. Between work, Kids, my one year old Granddaughter and my new addiction...Farmville, I haven't checked here too often. And yes, this is exactly how it works. We just talk back and forth to each other.
I came to this board in a similar situation to you. All of our stories are a little different but our disease and it's symptoms are not unique.
What ended up making all the difference for me was a friend I made here. All the people here were great but one woman kind of scooped me up and showed me the way. I don't even know if I'd be alive today if not for her.
I isolated and hid my disease so much that being able to share freely about it was just amazing to me. When I went through wd for the last time it wasn't even so bad. She had me hyped up and excited about the whole thing and talked to me non stop through it all.
I had to trust somebody. My way didn't work and God knows I'd tried for many years.
So how are you feeling today?
xxxooo
p.s. Want to share your name?
Hey there. Just reaching out. Thanks for posting your story.
:)
:)
I do feel isolated; I don't have any close friends. My husband is aware of the fact that I'm an addict and despises it. He is controlling, negative, selfish and suspicious . . . of everything. I feel like he is constantly picking at me. To everyone else he's all smiles. We have one son who is on his 2nd year of college and our youngest graduates HS this year and is looking at community colleges. Not sure if he will live at home or not at this point. But want to make sure both boys have every opportunity to continue their education. I'm afraid to use my name in case my husband somehow finds this site.
Sounds like a mate or two I've known. I remember asking myself a thousand times "why am I with this a******?" I was with them because there was something in it for me. Something I didn't think I could manage without. Once it was because my addiction was being enabled and I was protecting that. So I put up with a lot I hated for what (I thought) I needed.
You'll figure these things out for yourself one day.
God, active addiction plays such a huge part in the decisions we make.
I'd guess you're in a cycle. He makes me miserable because I use (or just because), I'm miserable so I use and then I'm miserable because I use. Am I close? Been there.
It's okay about the name. Make up something.
xxxxoooo
You'll figure these things out for yourself one day.
God, active addiction plays such a huge part in the decisions we make.
I'd guess you're in a cycle. He makes me miserable because I use (or just because), I'm miserable so I use and then I'm miserable because I use. Am I close? Been there.
It's okay about the name. Make up something.
xxxxoooo
yes, you're very close. I'm going to work out . . . first time in probably 2 months! I'm sure I'll feel better afterwards. I'll chat more laterl, thanks for listening.
Lila
Lila
How long did it take you to decide enough was enough (months? years?) Was it one specific thing that made you decide to leave? And now the big question . . . once you were out of that situation was it easier to leave the addiction behind? My husband is a decent person just very negative and depressing. I keep hearing that old Ann Landers "would you be better off with him or without him" ?
Hey Lila,
mmm, it's been awhile since first husbutt. I stayed with him for almost nine years. WHen I met him he had a five year old son. The biological Mother had given up custody so Jake had no Mother. I would have left much sooner but I promised Jake I'd never leave him. I wasn't sure what the odds were of a step Mother getting custody so I hung in there until he was old enough to tell a judge he wanted to go with me. Since husbutt was such a raging a**, I threw everything into my two boys. Anyway, Jake got old enough and I got out. Never missed the man...he was that bad. I wasn't an addict back then. (an addict in waiting, I guess, lol)
Husbutt number two was my enabler. Compared to number one he wasn't so bad but he was bad enough. If I hadn't been an addict I would have left him much sooner. I got sober and he didn't. His habit got worse and eventually he ended up in jail. That one blew me away. By this time I was past forty, had two more kids still at home and was living in the middle of the woods. Took me awhile to get over the trauma of all that but now I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.
I don't know every detail of how you live but if finances are a worry for you (like they were for me) you'll find that somehow you'll make a way.
I've been asked before how I managed to stay at all with either of those men. I think it was because nobody is all bad or all good. Even people that have some unbearable character flaws can be good in ways that endear them to us in one way or another. Ultimately, we don't deserve to be miserable.
No matter what ugly things your husbutt says to you or how he attacks your self esteem, remember that. The way he acts reflects his character, not yours.
Addiction is not a character flaw, it's a disease. (although there are some who disagree with that) I'm one hundred percent convinced that I have a disease. Luckily for us there is the possibility of recovery.
One of the many reasons I push the program is because it makes getting sober and staying sober so much easier. I needed help. I just couldn't do it on my own.
So how's it going today?
xxxxoooo
mmm, it's been awhile since first husbutt. I stayed with him for almost nine years. WHen I met him he had a five year old son. The biological Mother had given up custody so Jake had no Mother. I would have left much sooner but I promised Jake I'd never leave him. I wasn't sure what the odds were of a step Mother getting custody so I hung in there until he was old enough to tell a judge he wanted to go with me. Since husbutt was such a raging a**, I threw everything into my two boys. Anyway, Jake got old enough and I got out. Never missed the man...he was that bad. I wasn't an addict back then. (an addict in waiting, I guess, lol)
Husbutt number two was my enabler. Compared to number one he wasn't so bad but he was bad enough. If I hadn't been an addict I would have left him much sooner. I got sober and he didn't. His habit got worse and eventually he ended up in jail. That one blew me away. By this time I was past forty, had two more kids still at home and was living in the middle of the woods. Took me awhile to get over the trauma of all that but now I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.
I don't know every detail of how you live but if finances are a worry for you (like they were for me) you'll find that somehow you'll make a way.
I've been asked before how I managed to stay at all with either of those men. I think it was because nobody is all bad or all good. Even people that have some unbearable character flaws can be good in ways that endear them to us in one way or another. Ultimately, we don't deserve to be miserable.
No matter what ugly things your husbutt says to you or how he attacks your self esteem, remember that. The way he acts reflects his character, not yours.
Addiction is not a character flaw, it's a disease. (although there are some who disagree with that) I'm one hundred percent convinced that I have a disease. Luckily for us there is the possibility of recovery.
One of the many reasons I push the program is because it makes getting sober and staying sober so much easier. I needed help. I just couldn't do it on my own.
So how's it going today?
xxxxoooo
Thanks for sharing with me. You've given me a lot to think about. I'm back to day 1. So glad it's Friday, maybe things will be better after a few days.
sorry, I'm not in a position to post much right now, but I will later.
Hello Almost....
Im mollyjean,or MJ as Ive been called.Im not on as much as I use to be.Im not sure if that's good or bad.I like you have isolated myself for years and years,and have only resently this past year or so.For me friends always caused me pain & things so I always kept to myself.Ive been hurt myself alot,so Ill be honest the ONLY people in this world I trust 120% are my youngest daughter Anne & my BF of 13 yrs Mikey.
Ill tell you alittle about myself (as its easier online to do)
Im 42 and have 2 daughters ages 21 & 17.My oldest is making me a grandma in March.My youngest is in school and majoring in art & fashion design.As I said my BF & I have been together,BUT I lived 13 years with my girls dad.What made me FINALLY say enough was 2mths after my youngest was born,her dad cut my throat with a broken beer bottle THAT was my wake up call as far as an abusive man.
Ive been doing drugs on & off since the age of 13.Just here & there.Until I was about 25.Than like you I had Drs who were very free with what they gave me.Im not proud of this,but just about any drug,legal or illeagal Ive used.From adderal,to alcohol,finally to opiates as they seems to be the easiest to get.In between I was also buying methodone,than back to prescriptions.What brought me here is when I started to take 25+Ultram a day,my moods & well me.....just disappeared.Id say the last 7 years were the worst.I went onto Suboxone 3 years ago at 24mgs(what they say was a high dose)I say that because I don't get that "high"feeling from them.Than I think it was about 2 years ago now that I started to get Fiorect for fake headaches.The truth was I just wasnt ready to get sober even on the Sub.I made alot of mistakes here on ""the board"Imure somethings I said have hurt people here (which just isnt me)Old post can show you that I got so bad that I couldnt even type.Yet...me high? oh no no not me.Everyone here could see the change in me,my family too.The only jerk who couldnt see it was....me.The end part of THAT chapter was when I with my youngest dsaughter begging me went into the hospital.I never went to rehab,but the time in the hospital was like a gift for me.Some REAL Drs got involved with me,got my bi/polar medication leveled out,started me into therapy which I continued in out patient after.At the time I was admitted my barbituate levels were toxic (yet oh no me high never)
Sorry if this dragged on & on & I hope it hasnt bored you.Theres so much more I can talk about now that I would never open up about before.
LOL also I saw where you wrote about working out & the like.Yup Ive been in lazy mode myself for awhile.I use to LOVE to lift weights to stay in shape & like you I plan on adding that into my life again.I go to private therapy now,1-2 xs a week.Im getting ready to "GULP"go back into the health care field as that work has always been rewarding for me.
As for friends....its sad to say I still hold most people at arms length.Theres a woman that was a member here who Im so close to it feels as if shes family.
Your story interested me & if you like Id like to keep in touch via posting for now.
I enjoy being alone,but being lonly is something totally different.It stinks being in a group of people yet still feeling so alone Its something Im working on so.
Anyways,I do check the "board"at least once a day so.Again Im sorry this is so long,but Im sure I could even write a book.In 42 yrs Ive lived alot & had/have alot of baggage Im dealing with
Take Care
MJ
Im mollyjean,or MJ as Ive been called.Im not on as much as I use to be.Im not sure if that's good or bad.I like you have isolated myself for years and years,and have only resently this past year or so.For me friends always caused me pain & things so I always kept to myself.Ive been hurt myself alot,so Ill be honest the ONLY people in this world I trust 120% are my youngest daughter Anne & my BF of 13 yrs Mikey.
Ill tell you alittle about myself (as its easier online to do)
Im 42 and have 2 daughters ages 21 & 17.My oldest is making me a grandma in March.My youngest is in school and majoring in art & fashion design.As I said my BF & I have been together,BUT I lived 13 years with my girls dad.What made me FINALLY say enough was 2mths after my youngest was born,her dad cut my throat with a broken beer bottle THAT was my wake up call as far as an abusive man.
Ive been doing drugs on & off since the age of 13.Just here & there.Until I was about 25.Than like you I had Drs who were very free with what they gave me.Im not proud of this,but just about any drug,legal or illeagal Ive used.From adderal,to alcohol,finally to opiates as they seems to be the easiest to get.In between I was also buying methodone,than back to prescriptions.What brought me here is when I started to take 25+Ultram a day,my moods & well me.....just disappeared.Id say the last 7 years were the worst.I went onto Suboxone 3 years ago at 24mgs(what they say was a high dose)I say that because I don't get that "high"feeling from them.Than I think it was about 2 years ago now that I started to get Fiorect for fake headaches.The truth was I just wasnt ready to get sober even on the Sub.I made alot of mistakes here on ""the board"Imure somethings I said have hurt people here (which just isnt me)Old post can show you that I got so bad that I couldnt even type.Yet...me high? oh no no not me.Everyone here could see the change in me,my family too.The only jerk who couldnt see it was....me.The end part of THAT chapter was when I with my youngest dsaughter begging me went into the hospital.I never went to rehab,but the time in the hospital was like a gift for me.Some REAL Drs got involved with me,got my bi/polar medication leveled out,started me into therapy which I continued in out patient after.At the time I was admitted my barbituate levels were toxic (yet oh no me high never)
Sorry if this dragged on & on & I hope it hasnt bored you.Theres so much more I can talk about now that I would never open up about before.
LOL also I saw where you wrote about working out & the like.Yup Ive been in lazy mode myself for awhile.I use to LOVE to lift weights to stay in shape & like you I plan on adding that into my life again.I go to private therapy now,1-2 xs a week.Im getting ready to "GULP"go back into the health care field as that work has always been rewarding for me.
As for friends....its sad to say I still hold most people at arms length.Theres a woman that was a member here who Im so close to it feels as if shes family.
Your story interested me & if you like Id like to keep in touch via posting for now.
I enjoy being alone,but being lonly is something totally different.It stinks being in a group of people yet still feeling so alone Its something Im working on so.
Anyways,I do check the "board"at least once a day so.Again Im sorry this is so long,but Im sure I could even write a book.In 42 yrs Ive lived alot & had/have alot of baggage Im dealing with
Take Care
MJ
It makes me feel good that someone has some thing they are willing to share with me. I am 52 and have a 30 yr. old daughter, and two boys almost 20 yr old and 17. Was a single mom at 23; had a good job and managed to have a pretty decent life. Her Dad came around off and on but we never lived together. She really missed not having him around. It was tough for her not having a Dad but I did the best I could. Got married at 32 and still hanging in there. Sometimes I think it IS me and not him. He doesn't drink, smoke or do any drugs. He works hard to provide for all of us. I've been burned by "friends" more than once so I kind of steer clear of any close friendships.
Hi Lila - Welcome to the board. I'm glad you are here.
I was in a similar situation with my husband only he didn't know I was taking the pills. Our relationship with not too good at the end of my using. I was so unhappy with myself that I put it on him and my daughters. He also doesn't smoke, drink or take drugs. While I am glad that he doesn't indulge; I was also jealous. I thought if I quit the drugs then I could get myself together and see if things got better. Guess what? Almost immediately there was more peace at home. I told him what I had been doing and he said he would support me.
As I started to get better I came to realize that the problem was not the drugs. The problem is me. I am a drug addict and alcoholic. There is alot more to it than just abusing substances. It's about my behavior and how I have this hole inside of me that needs to be filled. I started reading NA material and pushed myself to go to a meeting. The more I attend and the more I read; the more I understand that I am in the right place.
My suggestion about your husband is to give him a break. Addiction is a family disease. Everyone in the family is affected. The longer I'm clean; the more obvious it is. I always thought I was this wonderful person (and I am, ha) but I was extremely selfish. I tried to manipulate everything to go my way. Now I am really looking at my ways and trying to change for the better. Everything and everybody in my life has shifted.
Right now all you have to do is stay clean. It takes a while but you will start to feel better and get your energy back. Then you can start the real work.
Alice P.
P.S. The housework will wait!
I was in a similar situation with my husband only he didn't know I was taking the pills. Our relationship with not too good at the end of my using. I was so unhappy with myself that I put it on him and my daughters. He also doesn't smoke, drink or take drugs. While I am glad that he doesn't indulge; I was also jealous. I thought if I quit the drugs then I could get myself together and see if things got better. Guess what? Almost immediately there was more peace at home. I told him what I had been doing and he said he would support me.
As I started to get better I came to realize that the problem was not the drugs. The problem is me. I am a drug addict and alcoholic. There is alot more to it than just abusing substances. It's about my behavior and how I have this hole inside of me that needs to be filled. I started reading NA material and pushed myself to go to a meeting. The more I attend and the more I read; the more I understand that I am in the right place.
My suggestion about your husband is to give him a break. Addiction is a family disease. Everyone in the family is affected. The longer I'm clean; the more obvious it is. I always thought I was this wonderful person (and I am, ha) but I was extremely selfish. I tried to manipulate everything to go my way. Now I am really looking at my ways and trying to change for the better. Everything and everybody in my life has shifted.
Right now all you have to do is stay clean. It takes a while but you will start to feel better and get your energy back. Then you can start the real work.
Alice P.
P.S. The housework will wait!
You know I have alot in my life right now that is a struggle,but the hardest thing for me is realizing,that once again.....Ive been used.To know its from my oldest daughter,who Ive been working so hard to form a relationship just about makes me want to abuse again.I wont because even though it hurts like hell right now....I refuse to play into anyones idea of me.Im so much stronger.
Today,I have to make a very hard choice,one a mother never wants to do...but Im at the point of "selfprotection"Maybe this is why I do not let strangers in.When your own blood will use & betray you as easy as breathing.
I wish I could write it all out as I know how confusing this must read.However this one story could last pages.I needed a place to let this out & now I have.
God give me the strength to stay strong & protect myself....
Any blessings or prayers would help.
MJ
Today,I have to make a very hard choice,one a mother never wants to do...but Im at the point of "selfprotection"Maybe this is why I do not let strangers in.When your own blood will use & betray you as easy as breathing.
I wish I could write it all out as I know how confusing this must read.However this one story could last pages.I needed a place to let this out & now I have.
God give me the strength to stay strong & protect myself....
Any blessings or prayers would help.
MJ
Hey Lila,
day one is awesome! Look, all any of us have is today. That's not just a stupid saying, it's true. So you and I are equals, we have today.
I know you feel pretty lousy but I hope you come and post as much as you can. Secrets keep us sick and we are REALLY good at keeping secrets. Rat on your disease. (at least to us if not husbutt)
And hey, just because your husbutt is a normie does not make it okay for him to do what he does. Addict or not, we are human beings with feelings who at least deserve to be treated with decency.
We all get burned by friends. Jeez, let one person come on here and tell us they've never been burned by a friend and I'll eat my hat. But all we can do is stick our neck out there and try again. You just never know when a really amazing person (or people) are out there who will add more to our life than we can imagine.
I have to get ready for work now but I'll try and check in later to see if you've been around.
Congradulations on your day one and now day two! I don't care if you're doing it by choice or you just ran out. It's still a miracle and so are you.
xxxxooo
P.S. Hi there, Miss Molly! How have you been?
Hello to you too, Alice!
xxxooo
day one is awesome! Look, all any of us have is today. That's not just a stupid saying, it's true. So you and I are equals, we have today.
I know you feel pretty lousy but I hope you come and post as much as you can. Secrets keep us sick and we are REALLY good at keeping secrets. Rat on your disease. (at least to us if not husbutt)
And hey, just because your husbutt is a normie does not make it okay for him to do what he does. Addict or not, we are human beings with feelings who at least deserve to be treated with decency.
We all get burned by friends. Jeez, let one person come on here and tell us they've never been burned by a friend and I'll eat my hat. But all we can do is stick our neck out there and try again. You just never know when a really amazing person (or people) are out there who will add more to our life than we can imagine.
I have to get ready for work now but I'll try and check in later to see if you've been around.
Congradulations on your day one and now day two! I don't care if you're doing it by choice or you just ran out. It's still a miracle and so are you.
xxxxooo
P.S. Hi there, Miss Molly! How have you been?
Hello to you too, Alice!
xxxooo
Day 2. Thank you for listening. Alice P. you nailed it. It's taken me awhile, but I do understand the problem is me. My husband asked me this morning what pill I was off from now. He can tell because apparently I have the restless legs at night. I realize now how selfish I have been. How do you deal with trying to forgive yourself for all those you've hurt . . .right now I feel like the biggest loser.
Remorse is common to all of us. I suggest you pull up NA. org's pamphlet called, "self acceptance". It takes time. Everything takes time.
Hi Kat.
Hi MJ. - Sorry about your daughter. Tomorrow will be better. Also MJ - thanks for the share.
Hi Kat.
Hi MJ. - Sorry about your daughter. Tomorrow will be better. Also MJ - thanks for the share.