Hello, this is the first time I've posted on here. I came across this website earlier today while searching for online message boards regarding recovery. I have been with my boyfriend for one year. When we started dating in February 2014, he told me he had gotten mixed up with drugs and alcohol in the past, but he was getting his life together. He got two DUI's so he wasn't able to get his license back until January 2015. He never told me which drugs he had a serious addiction to, he just said he did everything at some point. Being the naive, sheltered, clueless 24 year old that I am, I didn't think to push the subject any further. I guess I wanted to see the good in him, so when he started cancelling plans on me, making up excuses, avoiding me like the plague, I started to think something was up. I assumed he just wasn't very interested in me, so I started to distance myself as well. In August 2014, he confessed to me that for our entire relationship he's been using heroin. I was shocked. I had never personally dealt with a situation like this. I was extremely hurt, angry, confused, sad, worried, depressed, stressed, and lost. I couldn't tell my family, so I had to pretend like everything was okay. It was impossible. This period of my life was one of the hardest situations I ever had to deal with.
To make a very long story somewhat short, my boyfriend went to outpatient rehab. He had gotten off of it himself so he didn't qualify for inpatient. He was still drinking at this point, and I also found out later that he was taking suboxone. I had decided to call it quits because it was too much for me to handle. Before I could even talk to him about it, he called me to tell me he relapsed and had to go to inpatient. I lost it. I was an emotional wreck and broke it off with him. I told him he could deal with this break up while he was in treatment. He got out after a month and went back to outpatient. We ended up getting back together shortly after he got out of inpatient. He went to meetings 6 days a week, got a sponsor, and started working the steps. He got a job and started paying off his DUI fines. He has been clean since October 22, 2014.
My problem is I can't stop living in the past. I can't seem to trust him. I can't forget all of the pain that he caused me. He is a really great guy and I love him so much, but I need help moving forward. It is causing problems in our relationship because he is making progress but I am not. I tried going to a few nar-anon meetings, but every single person there is old enough to be my parent or grandparent. Every single person there has either a son or a daughter with an addiction problem. I feel like I can't relate very well because dating an addict is completely different than raising one. Dating a recovering addict has its own set of problems. You don't need to be able to trust your son or daughter like you do your partner, because you don't need to worry about them holding a job down to support your family, or having kids with them in the future, or marrying them. I'm not saying either situation is easier, because I cannot even imagine the pain that parents go through with their children. I'm just saying that every situation is different and I wish there was someone my age or in my situation to talk to.
So, if there is anyone out there who has some advice or can even share their experience of dating or marrying an addict, I would surely appreciate it!
You will read your story repeatedly in these threads.
You will find the answer in Al-Anon & Nar-Anon.
Your mate is addicted to the drug.
You are addicted to the addict.
Both of you need help. Trust me.
I wish you the best.
Bob R
You will find the answer in Al-Anon & Nar-Anon.
Your mate is addicted to the drug.
You are addicted to the addict.
Both of you need help. Trust me.
I wish you the best.
Bob R
My situation is very similar to yours. But my boyfriend started detox yesterday. I worry about whether things will ever like they were before he relapsed. I know, like you said, the trust is gone. I've just been taking it one day at a time. And hoping for the best, but expecting the worst.
My situation is very similar, I never was in a situation like this. My boyfriend would party here and there, but nothing serious. When he texted me he was checking into rehab and told me he has been doing heroin for the past year behind my back. Killed me inside. I could not text back, so I wrote and visited. I was supported in him being clean. Few months later he broke it off with me because he said he's scared to relapse. I know what it's like to have someone you love in so much pain. It hurts and us girls are emotional as it is, right now I have just been preparing for the worst. At first i rejected everyone, didn't listen to anyone because I swore he would come back. I was stuck in the past too. And still am. It does get easier. Don't put too much energy into it. That's one of my regrets is trying to fix it when he just needs to fix himself and being too over protective. Our hearts are powerful things. Im sure your strong. Keep buisy. Think of positve things and fun hobbies you can distract yourself with
