My 23 year old son is a heroin addict. Every time he tells me he's ready to stop, I believe him, but find it harder and harder to do so. This past week he entered detox (again). I told him this time I'd look into an in-patient rehab for him to go to when he gets out of detox. There are no 30-day in-patient rehabs in our state, but I found one in the next state over with an available bed for him, at a cost of $6400. This is money I don't have, but I wanted to do it for him and found a way to pay the $6400. All I had to do was pick him up from detox Friday night, keep him clean and safe for 12 hours, and then drive him 2.5 hours the next morning to the rehab. Sounded like a good plan to me. Just 3 hours before I was to pick him up, he made a call to his heroin-addicted girlfriend and had her pick him up and he used heroin. The rehab I had worked so hard to set up for him now couldn't take him because they require each person to be drug free and to pass a drug-screen test upon admission. They told me I could try and bring him on Tuesday, the earliest day he'd pass the drug-screen test, assuming he doesn't use again between now and then. I've been "babysitting" him all weekend, took away his phone and internet, and haven't let him out of my sight, just hoping I could help keep him clean until Tuesday. My question: How do I know he really wants to go to this rehab? He says he wants it, but his actions show otherwise. I only have the money to pay for rehab this one time. And if he doesn't go, I told him he can't stay here. My heart is breaking and I feel very alone.
My heart goes out to you, as I had the horrible experience of my daughter using heroin. She was in and out of rehabs for several years, but continued to relapse in spite of all my efforts to help her. I know the desperation, the bargaining, the expense, the anxiety of trying again and again to get her help. To me it was so simple....find the best rehab and everything will be OK. Sadly, this did not happen.
I finally had to surrender and accept that she was going to do what she was going to do. I had no power over her addiction. She had to be the one to decide to stop. She had to find the way to get her life back.
Some things I learned the hard way... an addict will not stop unless they decide to. Also, the "best" rehabs have no influence unless the addict is willing to do whatever it takes to get clean. I could not protect her or monitor her drug use if she was not ready to surrender and seek help. I had run out of options, felt like I was fighting my way out of an impossible situation, and had no choice but to detach from her addiction. This was the toughest thing I ever had to do.
I do not consider this to be "throwing in the towel" and abandoning her to addiction. I finally saw that I was spinning my wheels and forcing my life to be influenced by her behavior. By her own choice, she moved out of my house. This time, after a while and for who knows what reason, she decided she didn't want to continue living the daily rat-race of getting high. She pulled herself together, sought out-patient counseling, went to meetings, and worked to maintain sobriety. She did it because it was her choice, not mine. She saw the value all on her own in living a sober life, in spite of all the pressure I tried to exert over her.
I have no advice for you as to whether you should spend the money to send your son out of state to this rehab. My advice is to seek therapy for yourself, to learn that as an adult, your son is in control of his destiny. As parents, we want to protect our kids, but we have to realize that at this age, we really can't do much about the choices they make. It is heartbreaking, but true.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son. Keep posting, as there are many of us that struggle with the same things. You are not alone.
I finally had to surrender and accept that she was going to do what she was going to do. I had no power over her addiction. She had to be the one to decide to stop. She had to find the way to get her life back.
Some things I learned the hard way... an addict will not stop unless they decide to. Also, the "best" rehabs have no influence unless the addict is willing to do whatever it takes to get clean. I could not protect her or monitor her drug use if she was not ready to surrender and seek help. I had run out of options, felt like I was fighting my way out of an impossible situation, and had no choice but to detach from her addiction. This was the toughest thing I ever had to do.
I do not consider this to be "throwing in the towel" and abandoning her to addiction. I finally saw that I was spinning my wheels and forcing my life to be influenced by her behavior. By her own choice, she moved out of my house. This time, after a while and for who knows what reason, she decided she didn't want to continue living the daily rat-race of getting high. She pulled herself together, sought out-patient counseling, went to meetings, and worked to maintain sobriety. She did it because it was her choice, not mine. She saw the value all on her own in living a sober life, in spite of all the pressure I tried to exert over her.
I have no advice for you as to whether you should spend the money to send your son out of state to this rehab. My advice is to seek therapy for yourself, to learn that as an adult, your son is in control of his destiny. As parents, we want to protect our kids, but we have to realize that at this age, we really can't do much about the choices they make. It is heartbreaking, but true.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your son. Keep posting, as there are many of us that struggle with the same things. You are not alone.
Thank you Roberta, not only for your heart felt words, but for taking the time to respond. It's not easy to start talking about how heroin somehow found it's way into my family - into the life of my own child - it still seems so impossible (although it's been almost 3 years) since as a parent our job is supposed to keep our children safe and I wrestle daily with trying to convince myself I'm powerless over my son's addiction. I do think, however, that I'm just starting to see how my son's addiction has become MY disease.... so dark and engulfing. And I know there is no rehab or detox or doctor or family member that can make him want to choose to get clean or stay clean; I know it's all up to him, but omg...what a tough truth to accept every day. I managed to get my son into rehab yesterday, and I know it won't offer a magical cure, but maybe it will help in some small way. Roberta, I appreciate your words of strength more than I can express in these few sentences and I'm touched by your willingness to share your personal experience. You're a strong and brave person, and I hope to be just as strong someday soon. I wish you and your daughter the very best!!
207mom - if it helps, I would like to say "ditto" to what Roberta told you.
Your son is 23, an adult, and needs to decide for himself when he is ready to be clean. It may comfort you that there are many good programs that are successful if the addict wants it and works it.
For myself I found great power in Al Anon. There is a similar program called NA Anon. I strongly suggest you look into these programs and attend on a regular basis. You are not alone in your codependency and there are many of us who found a better way to live.
Good luck.
Your son is 23, an adult, and needs to decide for himself when he is ready to be clean. It may comfort you that there are many good programs that are successful if the addict wants it and works it.
For myself I found great power in Al Anon. There is a similar program called NA Anon. I strongly suggest you look into these programs and attend on a regular basis. You are not alone in your codependency and there are many of us who found a better way to live.
Good luck.
Thank you flyboykuao! Yes, I definitely need to find myself some Alanon or NA Anon meetings. This forum is the very first place that I stopped feeling so alone, and what a miracle that feels like. Even if it's only for the few minutes I'm here online, those precious minutes mean the world to me ~~ they're minutes that I feel I can actually exhale and let my guard down a little bit, and press "pause" on the Everything-Is-Fine button! And if I started attending support meetings, I imagine I would get the same feeling, but multiplied by 100.
So yes....time for me to stop procrastinating and time to admit I can't do this by myself and I don't have to do this by myself. I'm guessing there's a whole lot of freedom to be found through the support of others, yes? <3
So yes....time for me to stop procrastinating and time to admit I can't do this by myself and I don't have to do this by myself. I'm guessing there's a whole lot of freedom to be found through the support of others, yes? <3
