Ok so my husband has been using meth for about 8 months now. He has completely changed & is a totally different person now. He has lost his job, got more work, lost it too or taken forever to finish even a small one & we are losing everything. I have had to sell our things & beg different places to give me some time to figure this out just to keep the necessities. He has cheated on me & given me several stds before I realized he was on meth & I haven't been with him that way since and I don't think I ever could. I tried everything I could think of to get him to realize he needed to quit, including stressing myself out so badly I became anorexic & lost 60 lbs in 2 months. I finally realized that there was nothing I could do for him, only for myself, & I starting 'detaching'. Basically I started getting myself together and moving on as if I was alone, because I really was. He came home around 4-5 am, pretended to sleep a few hours( I would see him looking around if he thought I wasn't watching!), get up & leave, repeat daily. Every now & then he would crash for a few days & start up again. I told him that I loved him & would support him if he started a recovery program, but that I was walking away from his addiction. I sought out friends, meetings & a job, started visiting with my step-daughter (she has not been to the house since I found out he was on meth, i won't allow it) & was making peace with my decision. He at first didn't seem to care, then he started saying that he quit, but all signs said he hadnt, so I kept saying the same thing. I let his(mine too for 12 years) family know what was going on so I could get some support & so they didn't enable him either & he got very angry about that which i expected. I also told his doctor that he sees for drug tests so that he would go back to weekly tests. Then he tried to guilt trip, manipulate me into feeling bad for him because without me he had no reason to fight. I told him I'm right here when you get clean. So my problem is, he has now been 'crashing' for about 4 days that I know of and has a drug test in a week so he can't use if he expects to pass the test...how do I support him stopping without enabling or 'babying' him, or allowing myself to be sucked back in in case he starts again? I want to encourage him to stay off of it, but I don't want to put myself at risk & I really don't like the person he is now. I know that will get better over time, but I cant pretend to feel something I dont. I have an appt with a therapist next week to get help for my anorexia but I have been doing better ever since I detached so I feel like I should just stay that way but at the same time if he's really trying to quit I said I would be supportive and his life is at stake here. I just don't know If he's serious this time. I'm just very confused right now and not sure what direction I should go with this..any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi rwright, my heart goes out to you and what you're going through. As the recent ex of a coke addict, what I can say to you is that the only way he is ever going to face the addiction and overcome it is when he decides that that is what he wants to do. You will never be able to make that decision for him, despite all your heartache, worry and love. I can't tell you the number of sleepless nights I spent wondering if that was the time that I was going to get the call that he was found dead in a motel somewhere. The days spent worrying if he was going to make it clean and come home, freaking out as soon as he didn't answer his phone, allowing his addiction to become my obsession. I begged and pleaded, threatened, demanded but nothing I did ever made things better. The only times he "tried" to get clean, he was clearly only doing it for me and not because HE actually wanted to do it for himself.
It feels like you've failed, like you didn't do enough to save him from himself. The hardest realization for me was coming to terms with the fact that that is not my responsibility and the only person I can be responsible for is myself. You've developed an eating disorder and are physically harming yourself because of an addiction that is not yours and that you cannot control. I'm glad you're going to see a therapist; recognizing that you need help is a really positive sign. It means that there is still a healthy part of you that is fighting to be heard and take care of the part that is hurt.
If something bad happens to him, it's going to happen whether you're there or not. I understand the guilt you feel in having told him that you would be supportive if he actually got help. But I think after everything that you've gone through, what you need to consider is: can you trust him? Will you ever be able to trust him again? Is it worth it to you to spend the rest of your life wondering if he is actually going to stay clean? Are you willing to sacrifice your own well-being for someone else's addiction?
I don't know if any of what I've said helps at all and I'm sorry if I've been too blunt or harsh but I don't think talking around things is helpful in situations like ours....I hope that at least knowing you're not the only one going through this can be of some comfort. I wish you all the best and I hope that you keep fighting for yourself. Take care.
It feels like you've failed, like you didn't do enough to save him from himself. The hardest realization for me was coming to terms with the fact that that is not my responsibility and the only person I can be responsible for is myself. You've developed an eating disorder and are physically harming yourself because of an addiction that is not yours and that you cannot control. I'm glad you're going to see a therapist; recognizing that you need help is a really positive sign. It means that there is still a healthy part of you that is fighting to be heard and take care of the part that is hurt.
If something bad happens to him, it's going to happen whether you're there or not. I understand the guilt you feel in having told him that you would be supportive if he actually got help. But I think after everything that you've gone through, what you need to consider is: can you trust him? Will you ever be able to trust him again? Is it worth it to you to spend the rest of your life wondering if he is actually going to stay clean? Are you willing to sacrifice your own well-being for someone else's addiction?
I don't know if any of what I've said helps at all and I'm sorry if I've been too blunt or harsh but I don't think talking around things is helpful in situations like ours....I hope that at least knowing you're not the only one going through this can be of some comfort. I wish you all the best and I hope that you keep fighting for yourself. Take care.
Thank you, reading your response made me cry, because I think I downplay what I'm doing to myself and why. I can't control him or his addiction or the destruction of our family, but I could control what I ate & I think that was a big part of how I started. It gave me a form of control that he couldn't take away & I latched onto that. Once I let go of feeling responsible for saving him, that's when it started getting easier to eat without so many negative thoughts. Now that I started worrying about him again I have little appetite and the thoughts are swarming. There was a period of time where I didn't want to be here anymore, but watching him not care at all made me realize I didn't want to give up because of him and I started fighting for myself. That's when he suddenly wanted to quit so I guess that means he's doing it for me & not himself & that won't work.
He hasn't had to deal with enough consequences because I have been trying to save our things since we still live together, but every bill I paid is now soley in my name, but it's all still here so he hasn't had to see what his addiction is really doing. I know I need my own place, but I have to save up money first. In the meantime I am just going to go back to taking care of myself because you are right if he wants to get clean, nothing I do should have any effect on that. I let myself get manipulated again & was thinking that if he was really trying to quit this time & I wasn't there for him then he'd go back to using & be lost. But that's not my responsibility & honestly I don't know if i could ever be with him again so he needs to do this for himself anyway.
Do you have any advice on how to deal with him & coexist for the month or so I'll need to get my own place? Sometimes I'm scared to be around him when he's mad because I know it's not him & I don't know what he's capable of. Im not really sure how to deal with him if im not trying to 'save' him. Sorry for rambling, my thoughts are all over the place..
He hasn't had to deal with enough consequences because I have been trying to save our things since we still live together, but every bill I paid is now soley in my name, but it's all still here so he hasn't had to see what his addiction is really doing. I know I need my own place, but I have to save up money first. In the meantime I am just going to go back to taking care of myself because you are right if he wants to get clean, nothing I do should have any effect on that. I let myself get manipulated again & was thinking that if he was really trying to quit this time & I wasn't there for him then he'd go back to using & be lost. But that's not my responsibility & honestly I don't know if i could ever be with him again so he needs to do this for himself anyway.
Do you have any advice on how to deal with him & coexist for the month or so I'll need to get my own place? Sometimes I'm scared to be around him when he's mad because I know it's not him & I don't know what he's capable of. Im not really sure how to deal with him if im not trying to 'save' him. Sorry for rambling, my thoughts are all over the place..
Girl, downplaying is the first rule of this terrible game. It lets you "get away" with staying and taking it and justifies not having left yet. It lets you lie to yourself about how bad it really is and how much you're really hurting yourself. It makes you forget what you're actually worth and what you need to be happy and healthy. Believe me, I hear you.
I can see that you've been giving this a lot of thought and that your little voice isn't letting you downplay it so easily anymore. Keep listening to that voice, keep feeding it and encouraging it to tell you what it needs! As for how to co-exist...that is a tough spot you're in. If you're scared for your safety, you definitely don't need to be staying there, especially if you guys have kids together (I don't know if that's your case). Is there any way you can crash on some friends' or family's couches during the time you need to save up for a place of your own? My advice would be to set up a schedule - one week at one person's house, the next week at another's and so on - so that you don't feel like you're too much of a burden on anyone but you're also sure that you're safe. Maybe find a way to store your things in someone's garage temporarily just so that you're outta there. Distancing yourself physically from him will give you the clarity of mind to get things done more efficiently instead of risking prolonging the time it takes you to leave because he guilt-trips you or wears down your resolve or threatens your safety. I left a week ago and I won't lie to you, it's hard as all get out but it's forcing me to get my act together and do what I need to do instead of worrying about him and things I can't do anything about. If you must stay, I would spend as little time in the house as possible, and make sure that people know what's going on so you have a support and safety network.
Please don't apologize for rambling. You are in a really, really hard place right now, give yourself some credit for reaching out for advice! And try to start forgiving yourself...easier said than done, I know, on top of letting this addiction trample my life, I've been beating myself up about it for more than a year but I'm trying to be a little kinder to myself now. Hang in there, you can do it!
I can see that you've been giving this a lot of thought and that your little voice isn't letting you downplay it so easily anymore. Keep listening to that voice, keep feeding it and encouraging it to tell you what it needs! As for how to co-exist...that is a tough spot you're in. If you're scared for your safety, you definitely don't need to be staying there, especially if you guys have kids together (I don't know if that's your case). Is there any way you can crash on some friends' or family's couches during the time you need to save up for a place of your own? My advice would be to set up a schedule - one week at one person's house, the next week at another's and so on - so that you don't feel like you're too much of a burden on anyone but you're also sure that you're safe. Maybe find a way to store your things in someone's garage temporarily just so that you're outta there. Distancing yourself physically from him will give you the clarity of mind to get things done more efficiently instead of risking prolonging the time it takes you to leave because he guilt-trips you or wears down your resolve or threatens your safety. I left a week ago and I won't lie to you, it's hard as all get out but it's forcing me to get my act together and do what I need to do instead of worrying about him and things I can't do anything about. If you must stay, I would spend as little time in the house as possible, and make sure that people know what's going on so you have a support and safety network.
Please don't apologize for rambling. You are in a really, really hard place right now, give yourself some credit for reaching out for advice! And try to start forgiving yourself...easier said than done, I know, on top of letting this addiction trample my life, I've been beating myself up about it for more than a year but I'm trying to be a little kinder to myself now. Hang in there, you can do it!
Thank you, I think my little voice is getting much stronger & now the voice telling me I need to save him is the tiny one. I wish I had someone to stay with, but I dont. I do have somewhere I can go for a night or two if he gets crazy or violent & I'm scared & I have a couple places I can go during the day to stay away from the house. I hate being here now that he's here all the time, before I pretty much had the house to myself since he was only here from like 5am-9am. But now that he's saying he's getting clean he's here 24/7 & on top of that, wants ME to be here 24/7. He's constantly rude & complaining/whining that I'm not being there for him & I'm always gone, which today I was only gone for a grand total of 3 hours! I went to go mow a little bit of the yard because a storm was coming & asked him a question & he was vile & said if I'm doing this on my own then you can do everything on your own too(I already am). I just said ok & went to mow. Now I'm going to take a hot shower & then lay down in MY bedroom because I just can't stand to be around him. He pawned something to get money & he gave me some for the electricity that was due (I'm guessing so he can keep watching tv), but then started complaining because he needed the money. He's not going to meetings, because he's still too sick he says, he's not working any kind of program, he's just laying around all day/night & eating candy nonstop, leaving his trash out & being a jerk. This is not recovery, he might be clean at the moment, but I don't know what this is. He's still the same hateful person. I wish I could leave now, but I will keep trying to be around him as little as possible & if worse comes to worst I'll go to a shelter, sometimes I think that might be better anyway..
Sadly, it doesn't sound like he has any intention of actually getting clean and getting better right now. Simply not using is not enough. When my ex would go for stretches without using (mind you, he does coke and not meth, I don't have any experience with meth), his mood swings would be out of control because he never went long enough to actually stop experiencing the withdrawal that made him so awful to be around. Addiction is a serious disease and, like any serious disease, needs to be treated. It's like someone with cancer refusing to go to the doctor and just laying around moaning about how much it hurts. A lot of addicts don't want to feel "sick", I know my ex sure didn't. He hated feeling like he was weak or needed help and that always got in the way of really tackling the recovery process. Your husband needs to be going to meetings, getting a sponsor, eating right and taking care of himself physically and generally actively participating in his recovery, not trying to make it your responsibility. It sounds a lot like he's trying to show you how bad it is when he's "clean"....like, 'oh you want me to be sober? Here's how it's gonna be then.' Almost as though he's punishing you for wanting him to get better. (I'm just throwing out some thoughts here that are coming to mind based on what you've written.) It's too bad you don't have a place to stay right now but I'm glad that you've already got an "if worse comes to worse" escape strategy planned out...don't be afraid to use it to save yourself. In the meantime, don't bite on any of his provocations to avoid fighting. Try to stay calm when you have to be around him but get out of the house long enough each day to charge your own batteries. Also make sure that you yourself are eating right (I know you have some issues with this but I hope you're getting help for that) and sleeping enough so that you are physically strong enough to deal with everything. Whenever I started slacking on taking care of myself, my resolve and my determination would start to slide because I was so tired and I had no energy for it. Also, people on here have recommended going to Nar-Anon meetings, which are for people who have loved ones with addictions. Unfortunately, I live overseas and they don't have those meetings here but I definitely would have gone if they had been available to me. I hear that it really helps because you talk face to face with people who are going through the same thing and can explain and help you take the steps you need to recover. None of my friends has any experience with drugs or drug addicts so even though they try to support me, it's hard for them to understand where I'm coming from. I resorted to posting on here just to have feedback from people who can relate and it has been of tremendous help. I would strongly encourage you to find out where the Nar-Anon meetings in your area are and take advantage of that support system.
Thank you, it's really hard to hear, but at the same time I know it's what I've been thinking the whole time, this is not him getting better & it does feel a lot like 'poor me' look how bad I feel when I get clean! & I can just feel the 'relapse' coming & him saying well you saw how hard it was, don't you understand? I don't want to be a part of it, I'm just ready to move on from this & stand on my own again. I've been the stay at home mom/housekeeper/bill payer/cook for too long & that has led to me being too vulnerable to his addiction because I 'needed' him to be better & I never want to feel that dependent on anyone ever again. Had I pushed to have my own job & independence, i would be in a much better place right now. I tried to go to a nar-anon meeting here but when I got there (and it was a 45min drive!) No one was there & the church looked like it was closed down. There are a few al anon meetings in my area, can I go to those even if it's not alcohol I'm dealing with? I've been considering going & just didn't know if those meetings are only for families of alcoholics..
I really don't know how Nar-Anon or Al-Anon works in the States. I recently called the number for NA in my area to try and get in touch with my ex's sponsor (out of sheer desperation) and I was told that in the absence of a local Nar-Anon meeting, I could alternatively go to Al-Anon. Is there a phone number you could call to ask? Or else you could just try going; I would sincerely hope that an organization that is there to help the loved ones of people with addictions -whatever those might be- wouldn't turn anyone away without at least some advice or different contact information.
I know you're kicking yourself now for not having put yourself in a more independent situation but hindsight is always 20/20...don't be too hard on yourself. You've figured it out now and it's better late than never.
I know you're kicking yourself now for not having put yourself in a more independent situation but hindsight is always 20/20...don't be too hard on yourself. You've figured it out now and it's better late than never.
I went to an al-anon meeting..I was too nervous to talk, but listening helped. Seems like alcohol causes the same problems. I'm just so tired, he is constantly texting me telling me how im not there for him & I'm a cold-hearted b*tch for leaving him alone, BUT I'M RIGHT THERE! Ya know I have to take care of everything because he won't do anything so no I don't sit next to him all day long, plus he's not doing any kind of program. I tried telling him all this but it's like it just doesn't actually sink into his brain. So I stopped fighting back. He keeps saying it's gonna be over if I don't do so & so, I just keep saying if that's how u feel then ok. I keep saying I love u but I'm going to focus on getting myself healthy & u can focus on getting yourself better & he says I'm selfish & only thinking of myself. It's so frustrating dealing with someone who isn't rational. I finally said that, that he was too irrational & I wasn't going to engage with him anymore, which he came back with I guess u have been to meetings so go find a boyfriend there. I just don't get it, he has been off the drugs for almost 8 days, is his brain permanently damaged? He's not being different, still complete addiction behavior/attitude/selfishness. I just feel like I'll never see my husband again, even if he stays off the drugs. I went to the bookstore yesterday & sat for hours reading codependent no more, got about halfway through it. Definitely sounds like me. The biggest thing I'm struggling with is trying to separate my moods from his, when I wake up to attitude & fights every morning it's hard for me to stay in a good mood, even though I KNOW it's pointless...
Dear rwright,
I am very sorry to hear of your story. The sad part is that I have heard the same symptoms in all types of families of every stripe and color. Addiction is amazingly predictable in how it presents itself to the addict and to the family around it.
I am glad you tried an Al Anon meeting. I strongly encourage you to "keep coming back". In addition to Al Anon, there is NAR Anon. If you are a faith-based person, many churches offer support groups for family members. Most people attend and listen at first. After awhile get a sponsor. Don't overthink, keep it simple, and take it one day at a time.
The one point I would like to emphasize is this: Please don't try to take this on by yourself. Seek help. Addiction is a supernatural-kind of problem. It requires a special form of treatment for famlily members. Recovery is sort of like a miracle, but it does work for those people who work a program. I know hundreds of people who found a better way to live in Al Anon and NAR Anon.
Regarding the addict: It takes about 1 year for a recoverying addict to get their feet under them. It takes a lot of work - 90 meetings in the first 90 days, getting a sponsor, working the steps, reading literature, performing service work, sharing experiences with others who are still suffering, etc. This program will work for the addict - but they have to want it with every fiber of their being. My point here is this: If the addict is gaining courage after 2 weeks of sobriety - watch out. This is called a "pink cloud" - marked as over confidence in early recovery. The 1 year mark is the one that is more substantive.
I hope this helps. Message bacak if you have more questions.
Flyboy
I am very sorry to hear of your story. The sad part is that I have heard the same symptoms in all types of families of every stripe and color. Addiction is amazingly predictable in how it presents itself to the addict and to the family around it.
I am glad you tried an Al Anon meeting. I strongly encourage you to "keep coming back". In addition to Al Anon, there is NAR Anon. If you are a faith-based person, many churches offer support groups for family members. Most people attend and listen at first. After awhile get a sponsor. Don't overthink, keep it simple, and take it one day at a time.
The one point I would like to emphasize is this: Please don't try to take this on by yourself. Seek help. Addiction is a supernatural-kind of problem. It requires a special form of treatment for famlily members. Recovery is sort of like a miracle, but it does work for those people who work a program. I know hundreds of people who found a better way to live in Al Anon and NAR Anon.
Regarding the addict: It takes about 1 year for a recoverying addict to get their feet under them. It takes a lot of work - 90 meetings in the first 90 days, getting a sponsor, working the steps, reading literature, performing service work, sharing experiences with others who are still suffering, etc. This program will work for the addict - but they have to want it with every fiber of their being. My point here is this: If the addict is gaining courage after 2 weeks of sobriety - watch out. This is called a "pink cloud" - marked as over confidence in early recovery. The 1 year mark is the one that is more substantive.
I hope this helps. Message bacak if you have more questions.
Flyboy
Good for you, rwright! Even if you didn't talk, you took the step to go there...that's more than a lot of people can say! You are really focusing on trying to get yourself back on your feet and healthy and that is a great sign.
If you haven't already, I recommend reading MomNMore's post on this forum for Families/Partners of Addicts called "Things That Don't Help." It's things that all of us as partners of addicts have inevitably done trying to "help" our significant others and it's a real wake-up call. I wish I had read it sooner.
As flyboykuao said in his post, it takes a long time for addicts to get back on their feet. When I was researching the effects of cocaine on the brain, I read that it takes the brain a year just to START rebuilding the damage that was caused by the drug. So in a way, it is a sort of brain damage because how the brain functions has been altered and needs time to heal.
I know what you mean about struggling to separate your moods from his...I would often tell myself "You can't control what he does but you CAN control how you react." I would chant this over and over as my mantra to try and keep his problem from directly affecting what I was doing. Over time, this got worn down as well and towards the end, I let my moods be dictated by what he did because I just didn't have the energy to do differently. That's when I realized that the only thing I could do was get out.
Keep your head up, rwright, you can do it!
If you haven't already, I recommend reading MomNMore's post on this forum for Families/Partners of Addicts called "Things That Don't Help." It's things that all of us as partners of addicts have inevitably done trying to "help" our significant others and it's a real wake-up call. I wish I had read it sooner.
As flyboykuao said in his post, it takes a long time for addicts to get back on their feet. When I was researching the effects of cocaine on the brain, I read that it takes the brain a year just to START rebuilding the damage that was caused by the drug. So in a way, it is a sort of brain damage because how the brain functions has been altered and needs time to heal.
I know what you mean about struggling to separate your moods from his...I would often tell myself "You can't control what he does but you CAN control how you react." I would chant this over and over as my mantra to try and keep his problem from directly affecting what I was doing. Over time, this got worn down as well and towards the end, I let my moods be dictated by what he did because I just didn't have the energy to do differently. That's when I realized that the only thing I could do was get out.
Keep your head up, rwright, you can do it!
Thank you, I'm so glad I found this site, it's really helping hearing from so many nice people. I had my first therapy appt yesterday & it took the whole hour just to explain what's going on in my life & I wonder if maybe I should try a second therapist because that one seemed mighty overwhelmed after hearing my story! She looked like she was going to cry & sympathy is nice, but it bordered on pity & i dont want to be pitied by my therapist! i read that what not to do list & i think over the last couple months i managed to do everything on that list..but I'm not now. I was putting in job applications on the computer last night & got a message on my Facebook from him (granted he's right in the other room) that had a picture of 2 injured people holding each other & said '2 damaged people trying to heal each other..that's true love'. He must not see how that's not our situation at all..he is the one damaging me while asking me to help him heal..couldn't find a picture for that though. Then I realized I had been looking at pictures for an hour trying to find something that would 'get through to him'...it's so easy to get sucked back in sometimes. I went back to what I was doing & then went to sleep. I think it's the guilt that keeps letting him back in because I do feel like I am abandoning him when he needs help, but I know if i dont I will stay broken. I keep trying to remember what you guys are saying about it taking a year for him to start healing the damage to his brain because then I know I have to do this..I won't survive another year of this. I cant find a way to detach & be supportive because he's so hateful that any interaction with him is negative & I have tried responding with love or neutrality & he just gets more hateful. I hope that he does get better & that he can then understand why I had to walk away & save myself, but if he doesn't then it wouldn't have worked anyway.
And I just want to say I am amazed at the strength all of you have, I hope that I will be that strong someday & can help others who are going through the same thing :)
Hi there. I would give the therapist a chance; with everything you've got going on, it's totally normal for you to have used up your whole hour just trying to explain where you're at. That's exactly how I felt at my first appointment, like I was just giving her a timeline of my life but you've got to start somewhere, right? If you seek out another therapist without giving this one a chance, you have to do that all over again. See how she is in the next couple of sessions and whether you are able to connect with her and you feel like her approach is helpful. Obviously it's not a given that the first person you go to will be the right one but I think you need to give it a minute. (Again, I speak only from personal experience!!)
I'm really glad to hear that you find this forum helpful...I'm pretty new to it myself and had never actually given advice to anyone before but I saw my own reflection so vividly in your story that I felt compelled to say something. (I think we are even the same age based on the number in your username). Having just gotten out of such a similar situation has made me feel like if what I've gone through can help someone else, then maybe it was worth something more than the terrible heartache that I'm still struggling with. Hearing that you are getting stronger makes me feel stronger too, so thank YOU. It's pretty amazing how complete strangers can find strength in each other, right?
I'm really glad to hear that you find this forum helpful...I'm pretty new to it myself and had never actually given advice to anyone before but I saw my own reflection so vividly in your story that I felt compelled to say something. (I think we are even the same age based on the number in your username). Having just gotten out of such a similar situation has made me feel like if what I've gone through can help someone else, then maybe it was worth something more than the terrible heartache that I'm still struggling with. Hearing that you are getting stronger makes me feel stronger too, so thank YOU. It's pretty amazing how complete strangers can find strength in each other, right?
Yep that's the year I was born :) So does it get easier once you aren't around them anymore? I feel like being in the same house is making it so much worse because without meaning to i start to get hopeful when he doesn't use then fall apart all over again when I realize it's still happening..like tonight, he called acting all paranoid & crazy for no reason & I knew it was coming because he took his drug test this morning & now he doesn't have another drug test for two weeks, but it still hit me like a ton of bricks. I don't understand why he thinks I believe any of the stuff he says either..it just boggles my mind. He prob won't show up until 4 am now & I'm trying to not care. I got a job today & I start in the morning so I need to just get some sleep & keep focusing on me! And it is crazy how much strangers can give you comfort, it's nice just having someone who understands what this feels like :)
I'm gonna be brutally honest you: it is still hard once you leave but the reasons are different. I don't know how long you've been with your husband but I'm finding that my co-dependency over the last 3 years is making it challenging for me to remember how to do things just for me. I got so used to putting my partner's addiction and everything that comes with it in first place, before my own well-being, needs, hopes, dreams, etc. that now I have to re-learn what it is that I want to do. However, that in itself makes me realize how oppressed I allowed myself to become by this addiction and confirms the fact that now that I've finally gotten out, I need to stay out. I've worked so hard for so long on someone else, now it's time to work hard on me.
I also underestimated how nostalgic my co-dependency would make me, feeling sad and missing my ex because going back would be the easy way out of feeling lonely and lost right now. Be prepared for the tricks your co-dependent side will play on your logic and rationality! The fact is that I now need to get through these hard times by myself, focusing on myself and finding myself again so that I can stand on my own two feet and live my life the way I want, not dictated by something I am powerless to change.
Reading what you wrote about getting a paranoid call from him and just knowing that he's going to use again makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. How I know that feeling of earth-shattering disappointment even though you KNEW beyond a doubt that that's what would happen. Feeling so stupid to have fallen for it again, to have hoped again, to have let yourself believe that this time would be different. How I know that knot in your stomach as you sit there wondering if and when he'll be home. These are the things that remind me why I'm doing this right now. Why I'm struggling to find my footing and pick up the pieces of my life. Why I'm not choosing the "easy" way of staying and letting my light go out. I cannot go back to that. Life is too damn short.
So. While leaving is not a walk in the park, I can tell you that it's the kind of difficult that has a light at the end of the tunnel. Staying is the kind of difficult with no light at all. I think it's pretty normal to feel lost at first...habits are hard to break, even (or maybe especially) when they are unhealthy ones. Right now I'm just taking it a day at a time, readjusting and trying to be forgiving of my co-dependent side because she really needs to be taken care of.
Congrats on getting a job and good luck on your first day! :)
I also underestimated how nostalgic my co-dependency would make me, feeling sad and missing my ex because going back would be the easy way out of feeling lonely and lost right now. Be prepared for the tricks your co-dependent side will play on your logic and rationality! The fact is that I now need to get through these hard times by myself, focusing on myself and finding myself again so that I can stand on my own two feet and live my life the way I want, not dictated by something I am powerless to change.
Reading what you wrote about getting a paranoid call from him and just knowing that he's going to use again makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up. How I know that feeling of earth-shattering disappointment even though you KNEW beyond a doubt that that's what would happen. Feeling so stupid to have fallen for it again, to have hoped again, to have let yourself believe that this time would be different. How I know that knot in your stomach as you sit there wondering if and when he'll be home. These are the things that remind me why I'm doing this right now. Why I'm struggling to find my footing and pick up the pieces of my life. Why I'm not choosing the "easy" way of staying and letting my light go out. I cannot go back to that. Life is too damn short.
So. While leaving is not a walk in the park, I can tell you that it's the kind of difficult that has a light at the end of the tunnel. Staying is the kind of difficult with no light at all. I think it's pretty normal to feel lost at first...habits are hard to break, even (or maybe especially) when they are unhealthy ones. Right now I'm just taking it a day at a time, readjusting and trying to be forgiving of my co-dependent side because she really needs to be taken care of.
Congrats on getting a job and good luck on your first day! :)
