I am new to this forum. I am scared and I need courage.
I am a teacher. I am a mom of 9. I have 18 grandchildren. I have 3 children who are heroin addicts. One son is in jail. One son lives here part time and has 2 little girls. The other lives here full time, a single mom with her little 4 year old. We have been living with their addictions by trying to deny that it is as big of a problem as it is. I say "we" but I mean "me". The kids have been clean on and off but can't stay away from the drugs. It has been 2 or 3 years now. It is enough to give me a glimpse of hope, but then it all comes crashing down again. I try to stay as busy as I can so I don't have to think about it. My husband is done with this life of "helping them as they figure things out". It is affecting our relationship in a scary way. He says we need to tell them they need to move out and they cannot be here while they are still using. Inside I agree but my heart is breaking and I can't make myself say the words.
We lock doors, hide money. hide keys, sneak around like detectives looking for things that are missing or evidence of drug use...all the horrible things that I have been reading about that are so common to those who love (and try to help) their addict child. I know what I need to do but I need the courage to move forward. I don't know how they will get by or where they will go or what I will do about my granddaughter either. I know there are others who have been here and had to do this also. I would love some encouragement, advice and power to do what I need to do...for me and them!
momof9,
Good Lord you've got your hands FULL! God bless your grandchildren.
Please, don't let your relationship with your husband suffer. It sounds like he's coming to grips with what you two have had to deal with. How you've managed so far, amazes me! And being a teacher too?!
You know in your mother's heart, you need to let go. If he's willing, let your husband say the actual words, but you have stand by him & with him on this. Imagine if you lose him......It's the relationship that you two have that is the center of your family. If you fall, so do the rest, like a house of cards. Also, you need him, personally. You have to try to console each other & be each others' safe haven. I speak from experience. It's not always easy, and we have had more than our fair share of conflicts here. Ha. Ultimately though, stay strong together. I know how saying 'we' can mean 'me'. Tell hubby "we need to be 'we'". You have to share the load.
Playing cops is NO fun either! Been there, still do it when our daughter's here (rarely these days). It is HUGELY STRESSFUL! I found empty stamp bags, foil (for smoking pills & heroin)...She uses tampon straws to smoke it through...pipes, bongs for weed, etc...It's heartbreaking, but you feel the need to know, no matter how bad it is. It sucks.
Not sure I've helped, but I truly care about you & your concerns. It's a very lonely, dark place to be. It sabotages your happiness, saddens you to a point you'd never be, and embarrasses you to think of others knowing the 'truth' of what's going on. But, you can survive & get stronger. I never thought I'd have a clear mind & lighter heart when all the drama with my daughter came to light....You are welcome here & I know many will post to you.
Stay strong. You are strong & smart to reach out.
love & God bless you,
Dee
Good Lord you've got your hands FULL! God bless your grandchildren.
Please, don't let your relationship with your husband suffer. It sounds like he's coming to grips with what you two have had to deal with. How you've managed so far, amazes me! And being a teacher too?!
You know in your mother's heart, you need to let go. If he's willing, let your husband say the actual words, but you have stand by him & with him on this. Imagine if you lose him......It's the relationship that you two have that is the center of your family. If you fall, so do the rest, like a house of cards. Also, you need him, personally. You have to try to console each other & be each others' safe haven. I speak from experience. It's not always easy, and we have had more than our fair share of conflicts here. Ha. Ultimately though, stay strong together. I know how saying 'we' can mean 'me'. Tell hubby "we need to be 'we'". You have to share the load.
Playing cops is NO fun either! Been there, still do it when our daughter's here (rarely these days). It is HUGELY STRESSFUL! I found empty stamp bags, foil (for smoking pills & heroin)...She uses tampon straws to smoke it through...pipes, bongs for weed, etc...It's heartbreaking, but you feel the need to know, no matter how bad it is. It sucks.
Not sure I've helped, but I truly care about you & your concerns. It's a very lonely, dark place to be. It sabotages your happiness, saddens you to a point you'd never be, and embarrasses you to think of others knowing the 'truth' of what's going on. But, you can survive & get stronger. I never thought I'd have a clear mind & lighter heart when all the drama with my daughter came to light....You are welcome here & I know many will post to you.
Stay strong. You are strong & smart to reach out.
love & God bless you,
Dee
Thank you Dee. It felt really good to hear someone talk about the same things I am feeling. I haven't written on a message board before.
I talked to my husband last night so we could be on the same page. I agree with what he says we need to do but just the thought of actually doing it is still breaking me to pieces. Last weekend we caught her sitting in her room on the floor, right next to our bedroom, with grandkids all over the house, with her foils and made-up pipe all around her. Like she was a little girl digging into her Halloween bucket. She was in re-hab 6 months ago for a 28 day stay. She seemed to be doing better. I have had my suspicions now and then, but I keep hoping she is fine. I keep hoping it is just a little bit of a bad choice for the day and tomorrow she will not do drugs anymore.
Later, in the guest room we find a nice little box full of treasures my son has been using while he stays at our house. My husband said that's the last straw. My son is out, not allowed to be here at all, even with his two beautiful little daughters. My grandbabies. Daughter goes back to re-hab, we take custody of granchild. OR..She can just move out on her own (with nothing) and live her life how she wants. I agree.
But what if our daughter just...I feel foolish even thinking...because I know deep inside.
I wrote this last night because writing is therapeutic for me. It pretty much sums up my thoughts.
Theres this elephant in the room. Everyone knows it. No one wants to talk about it. We all just pretend that it is not there. It is safer that way. More peaceful. If we were to acknowledge the elephant, then we would have something we would have to talk about. Maybe something we would have to think about. We cant think about it, we dont want to. So we dont see the elephant. He isnt really there.
Denial is a beautiful thing until it isnt. Denial helps us pretend that things are okay. It soothes the pain of dealing with the things we cant deal with. When we pretend we dont have the problems they are less powerful. Or are they?
Stay busy. Dont think. Look for something else to focus on. That is how to survive. Until the floor crumbles and there is no place to stand anymore. We are barely surviving. If you dont see it then it isnt really there. Pretend, deny, ignore, deny. There is no elephant.
Enable. Actually trying to help. So much love. So much hope. Glimpses here and there make things seem better. Oh how we wish that were true. So much time but so little change. Enable. No, helpingbut things get worse. Feeling foolish. Feeling used. Feeling embarrassed. But still have hope. Denial. Cant talk about it. Theres an elephant in the room, but nobody will admit it.
So many years ago lives were filled with hope, ambition, future. Recirculating dreams that never come true. We scream, we yell, we cry. Everything seems better. Peace for a little while until the walls cave in. So many dreams. So much life to live. When can they break free and see what there is. Tears and an elephant is in the room again.
I talked to my husband last night so we could be on the same page. I agree with what he says we need to do but just the thought of actually doing it is still breaking me to pieces. Last weekend we caught her sitting in her room on the floor, right next to our bedroom, with grandkids all over the house, with her foils and made-up pipe all around her. Like she was a little girl digging into her Halloween bucket. She was in re-hab 6 months ago for a 28 day stay. She seemed to be doing better. I have had my suspicions now and then, but I keep hoping she is fine. I keep hoping it is just a little bit of a bad choice for the day and tomorrow she will not do drugs anymore.
Later, in the guest room we find a nice little box full of treasures my son has been using while he stays at our house. My husband said that's the last straw. My son is out, not allowed to be here at all, even with his two beautiful little daughters. My grandbabies. Daughter goes back to re-hab, we take custody of granchild. OR..She can just move out on her own (with nothing) and live her life how she wants. I agree.
But what if our daughter just...I feel foolish even thinking...because I know deep inside.
I wrote this last night because writing is therapeutic for me. It pretty much sums up my thoughts.
Theres this elephant in the room. Everyone knows it. No one wants to talk about it. We all just pretend that it is not there. It is safer that way. More peaceful. If we were to acknowledge the elephant, then we would have something we would have to talk about. Maybe something we would have to think about. We cant think about it, we dont want to. So we dont see the elephant. He isnt really there.
Denial is a beautiful thing until it isnt. Denial helps us pretend that things are okay. It soothes the pain of dealing with the things we cant deal with. When we pretend we dont have the problems they are less powerful. Or are they?
Stay busy. Dont think. Look for something else to focus on. That is how to survive. Until the floor crumbles and there is no place to stand anymore. We are barely surviving. If you dont see it then it isnt really there. Pretend, deny, ignore, deny. There is no elephant.
Enable. Actually trying to help. So much love. So much hope. Glimpses here and there make things seem better. Oh how we wish that were true. So much time but so little change. Enable. No, helpingbut things get worse. Feeling foolish. Feeling used. Feeling embarrassed. But still have hope. Denial. Cant talk about it. Theres an elephant in the room, but nobody will admit it.
So many years ago lives were filled with hope, ambition, future. Recirculating dreams that never come true. We scream, we yell, we cry. Everything seems better. Peace for a little while until the walls cave in. So many dreams. So much life to live. When can they break free and see what there is. Tears and an elephant is in the room again.
I am in the same boat. When do you know its right to kick them out and let them figure it out. My heart breaks for you with grandchildren involved. I am sure that makes it tens times worst. I think we will get to a point when the disappointment and lies catch up and then we will hit our rock bottom and kick them out. We have been hearing it maybe the only thing we can do to save ourselves. Do you attend Nar-Anon meetings? They are a great group of people there that listen and have been in your shoes. They share stories of hope and recovery. Hang in there and keep typing if it helps you. It helps me. We are all truly powerless over this.
Wow, i was just browsing and came across the "update" post regarding your experience with your son. It is sickeningly comforting to know someone is dealing with the same questions and concerns at this same moment. I know we are not alone, but it feels so lonely at times. I will be following your posts for updates.
No, we haven't gone to meetings. I think we should. When my daughter first got out of re-hab 6 months ago, she went to a lot of meetings. She encouraged us to go also. We live in a small town community and I guess I am maybe just a little embarrassed still. And afraid. Part of me is so afraid to do what I know I need to do.
I had such a creepy experience this morning. I was getting ready to leave the house and an old friend of my son's just walked in our house. I didn't recognize him at first because he now resembles a zombie instead of the cute, freckled elf-looking young man. He was sooo messed up. He wanted to use our phone. We used to have (literally) an open door policy. All our kid's friends knew it. (We try to remember to lock up now.)
After I asked him to leave, I just cried. I cried for all those "lost boys" that were my son's friends. I see them around town now and then. They barely make eye contact. I wish they didn't. They all look like walking zombies. I hope and pray that when my son gets out of jail/prison, he gets far, far away.
Part of our problem with such a large family is that our kids are all their own best friends. And their friends are all friends. The broken ones are in that 21-25 age range. When one falls, they all fall. When one is clean, there is always the trigger of the one that isn't. I love my big, close family. Most of the time. That is what has been happening to the son and daughter that live here. They play secret games together to support their addictions. One moment they hate the other for tempting them and the next moment they love them for "helping" them.
No, we haven't gone to meetings. I think we should. When my daughter first got out of re-hab 6 months ago, she went to a lot of meetings. She encouraged us to go also. We live in a small town community and I guess I am maybe just a little embarrassed still. And afraid. Part of me is so afraid to do what I know I need to do.
I had such a creepy experience this morning. I was getting ready to leave the house and an old friend of my son's just walked in our house. I didn't recognize him at first because he now resembles a zombie instead of the cute, freckled elf-looking young man. He was sooo messed up. He wanted to use our phone. We used to have (literally) an open door policy. All our kid's friends knew it. (We try to remember to lock up now.)
After I asked him to leave, I just cried. I cried for all those "lost boys" that were my son's friends. I see them around town now and then. They barely make eye contact. I wish they didn't. They all look like walking zombies. I hope and pray that when my son gets out of jail/prison, he gets far, far away.
Part of our problem with such a large family is that our kids are all their own best friends. And their friends are all friends. The broken ones are in that 21-25 age range. When one falls, they all fall. When one is clean, there is always the trigger of the one that isn't. I love my big, close family. Most of the time. That is what has been happening to the son and daughter that live here. They play secret games together to support their addictions. One moment they hate the other for tempting them and the next moment they love them for "helping" them.
I did it. I said the words. I choked out those words to let my kids (with their demons) and me begin our healing. I borrowed so many words from so many of you. I let them know that I can't keep stopping them from falling. That when I do that, I am not allowing them to find their own path towards healing and recovery. I told them I was sick as well, and I needed to set them free so that I could find my way. I reminded them that we have been on a hellish merry-go-round for sooo long. We just keep going up and down and round getting no where. We need to stop and get off that ride. I need to get off that ride. They have their choices. I know what I would choose for them, but it has to be their stop.
Their tears and apologies hurt much worse than the first few angry words of denial, trying to guilt me into feeling like I was abandoning them. They are my beautiful babies. I know they hate what they have done and who they have become. I know they see the pain I carry with me. I let them know no matter where they are in their lives or what they have done, my love for them remains the same. That is who a mother is.
In the end, for this moment, they understand the boundaries I am setting. I will fortify my walls with the words of wisdom and encouragement I find here to stay strong. I would like to say I feel better. I actually feel so empty and drained. But I have a calm peace as well. I will take that for now.
Their tears and apologies hurt much worse than the first few angry words of denial, trying to guilt me into feeling like I was abandoning them. They are my beautiful babies. I know they hate what they have done and who they have become. I know they see the pain I carry with me. I let them know no matter where they are in their lives or what they have done, my love for them remains the same. That is who a mother is.
In the end, for this moment, they understand the boundaries I am setting. I will fortify my walls with the words of wisdom and encouragement I find here to stay strong. I would like to say I feel better. I actually feel so empty and drained. But I have a calm peace as well. I will take that for now.
I am very proud of you. It must have been the hardest thing ever to do. In reading these boards and going to meeting I keep telling myself its the only way to really help them. Stay strong and keep your boundaries. It will be hard but I know you can do it.
On a bright note my son passed his test and has been clean for 7 days! One small step. I am happy but know the bottom can fall out at any time. He told us last night he doesn't really think about it any more. He has been working 12 to 13 hours a day I am sure that helps. He is also smoking weed when he gets home but honestly i am ok with that. The H is the demon i cant live with. Hope you all have a great holiday weekend. Stay strong!
On a bright note my son passed his test and has been clean for 7 days! One small step. I am happy but know the bottom can fall out at any time. He told us last night he doesn't really think about it any more. He has been working 12 to 13 hours a day I am sure that helps. He is also smoking weed when he gets home but honestly i am ok with that. The H is the demon i cant live with. Hope you all have a great holiday weekend. Stay strong!
Is your son attending meetings regularly ?
JMom: Congratulations on your son's success. It is so often day by day. Thank you for the words of encouragement. I know I did the right thing at the right time. Their choices have been poisoning our house for too long. I tried to pretend like I didn't know it was happening. I didn't want to have to make tough choices. I have a saying in my classroom: "What doesn't challenge you, doesn't change you". I feel stronger already.
Papa Bear: No my son does not attend meetings. My daughter did for a while but hasn't been back for a couple months. She does read her book and literature.
I encouraged them both to use the tools they have to help them gain strength and be successful. I need to take my own advice as well. Thanks for the reminder.
Papa Bear: No my son does not attend meetings. My daughter did for a while but hasn't been back for a couple months. She does read her book and literature.
I encouraged them both to use the tools they have to help them gain strength and be successful. I need to take my own advice as well. Thanks for the reminder.
Hitting bottom. Reminds me of myself -- maybe my child did not hit bottom but I DID. I'M NOT DOING YOUR DRUGS ANYMORE!
We did have to ask to children to leave. a few different times. usually not a pretty sight. lots of yelling and cursing by Dad, I'VE HAD IT, GET THE F OUT!
The kids take it better than we thought, but thats not the end of it. things seemed to drag on. eventually they would come back or go to rehab. In heinsight, you cant gently nudge and make it easy - it just prolongs the problems.
Things in my house are pretty calm now, and we never want to go back to that craziness, kids are out of the house. My husband and I are focused on ourselves, paying off debt, trying to get a plan for retirement. which entails selling the house and relocating.
I keep thinking to minimize everything so we can save as much as possible and move as quick and easily as possible.
PS - we have done years of helping out to the point of 20K in credit card debit. co-signing loans and cars..... NEVER AGAIN, the financial fears gave me many sleepless nights.
As I have said in other posts - if the money would make the kid better, they would have been cured by now. the money does not make them better, so we need to look out for ourselves.
my husband and I used to joke at each other that we were bad parents. we gave too much, and cared too much and wanted our kids to be happy.
We did have to ask to children to leave. a few different times. usually not a pretty sight. lots of yelling and cursing by Dad, I'VE HAD IT, GET THE F OUT!
The kids take it better than we thought, but thats not the end of it. things seemed to drag on. eventually they would come back or go to rehab. In heinsight, you cant gently nudge and make it easy - it just prolongs the problems.
Things in my house are pretty calm now, and we never want to go back to that craziness, kids are out of the house. My husband and I are focused on ourselves, paying off debt, trying to get a plan for retirement. which entails selling the house and relocating.
I keep thinking to minimize everything so we can save as much as possible and move as quick and easily as possible.
PS - we have done years of helping out to the point of 20K in credit card debit. co-signing loans and cars..... NEVER AGAIN, the financial fears gave me many sleepless nights.
As I have said in other posts - if the money would make the kid better, they would have been cured by now. the money does not make them better, so we need to look out for ourselves.
my husband and I used to joke at each other that we were bad parents. we gave too much, and cared too much and wanted our kids to be happy.
NYto FL:
It is eerie how similar our paths have been. I read as you talked about asking kids to leave, a few times, with dad not doing it so nicely....yeah...been there. As a mama, I cringed, but I knew he was right. And yes, they always seemed to come back somehow. And they nudged their way in. They seemed better.
This last time I talked with my son, a couple days ago, as I was letting him know why he couldn't live/stay/visit...I told him (only a little jokingly) our house is evil. It has allowed him and his sister and brother to feel comfortable to do whatever they want to feed their addiction. It is a trigger...a den of nastiness that will always be a reminder.
I was just talking with my husband and said we need to move. This never has been our dream home. But it is really big and has fit our needs with our big family. Now it has all these haunted rooms. I love parts of my house/home, but it is time for us to move on as well, downsize and find our forever home. We are not at retirement yet (50), but it is in our thoughts.
Thank you so much for sharing your life and bearing your soul! I am feeling stronger every day.
It is eerie how similar our paths have been. I read as you talked about asking kids to leave, a few times, with dad not doing it so nicely....yeah...been there. As a mama, I cringed, but I knew he was right. And yes, they always seemed to come back somehow. And they nudged their way in. They seemed better.
This last time I talked with my son, a couple days ago, as I was letting him know why he couldn't live/stay/visit...I told him (only a little jokingly) our house is evil. It has allowed him and his sister and brother to feel comfortable to do whatever they want to feed their addiction. It is a trigger...a den of nastiness that will always be a reminder.
I was just talking with my husband and said we need to move. This never has been our dream home. But it is really big and has fit our needs with our big family. Now it has all these haunted rooms. I love parts of my house/home, but it is time for us to move on as well, downsize and find our forever home. We are not at retirement yet (50), but it is in our thoughts.
Thank you so much for sharing your life and bearing your soul! I am feeling stronger every day.
Similar Stories: ALL of the stories are similar! difference is that your story has a different name than mine! sure, there are some that are different, but mostly the same evolution of events.
At a professional half way house, several if not most of the employees were previous addicts. Some had been clean for 6 or more years. Seeing them being successful was a bright spot in our travels. Their stories - the same. I quickly saw that details of the story were not necessary. Every one had lived through it them selves. If there was a plate of food in the fridge or $20 on the table, they did not quit their addiction. They did not stop until there were no handouts, no matter how well intentioned the handouts are.
Coming to Terms: I did/do have to come to terms with the fact that some people recover and some do not. my kids may or may not. my son is in early recovery. my daughter is 3 years clean and independent. she kind of picked herself up and put herself in an environment where she was not able to indulge. (in the armed forces) It gave her the time she needed with out temptation.
At a professional half way house, several if not most of the employees were previous addicts. Some had been clean for 6 or more years. Seeing them being successful was a bright spot in our travels. Their stories - the same. I quickly saw that details of the story were not necessary. Every one had lived through it them selves. If there was a plate of food in the fridge or $20 on the table, they did not quit their addiction. They did not stop until there were no handouts, no matter how well intentioned the handouts are.
Coming to Terms: I did/do have to come to terms with the fact that some people recover and some do not. my kids may or may not. my son is in early recovery. my daughter is 3 years clean and independent. she kind of picked herself up and put herself in an environment where she was not able to indulge. (in the armed forces) It gave her the time she needed with out temptation.
House is Evil - People Places Things - Triggers
You are so right about your home and you (mom and dad) are triggers!
I always forget that one.
Just like the rooms in the house hold haunting memories for you, they do for them too. The party memories and the bad memories - there isnt a good room in the house!!
It is in their best interest that they do not come home. Too easy to slip into the same old habits.
I wish there was a good solution to their housing problems - maybe it is the halfway house. They just need to get their brain to the point where they understand that putting up with the rules is worth staying clean and stepping stone to getting their life back.
lol - letting them come back home is as sick as making an alcoholic tend bar. yet we think it is our obligation to let them live at home, and that we are failing them if we ask them to leave!
We have to remember to put a better spin on it --- This is for your own good, and list the reasons. Keeping them at home is almost like keeping them from growing.
wow
You are so right about your home and you (mom and dad) are triggers!
I always forget that one.
Just like the rooms in the house hold haunting memories for you, they do for them too. The party memories and the bad memories - there isnt a good room in the house!!
It is in their best interest that they do not come home. Too easy to slip into the same old habits.
I wish there was a good solution to their housing problems - maybe it is the halfway house. They just need to get their brain to the point where they understand that putting up with the rules is worth staying clean and stepping stone to getting their life back.
lol - letting them come back home is as sick as making an alcoholic tend bar. yet we think it is our obligation to let them live at home, and that we are failing them if we ask them to leave!
We have to remember to put a better spin on it --- This is for your own good, and list the reasons. Keeping them at home is almost like keeping them from growing.
wow
