I will never pretend to understand addiction or recovery. I am watching the person I love the most struggle with his recovery from pain pills. I am trying to do and say all of the right things. I give support, love, space, encouragement...whatever is needed at the time. I am dealing with the emotional roller coaster the best I can, while working 40 plus hours a week and caring for kids. I feel like I am of no help. I feel like I can't win with him. My heart is breaking for him and I just want to curl into a ball in a dark corner somewhere. I pray all of the time for all of us. I just don't know how to be strong anymore. Tonight he had an evening where he felt hopeless. I cried with him. I listened to all of the hurt and anger that he feels about his choices. He looked at me tonight and said he didn't love me or our family. I know better, I took it w a grain of salt but those words stung though & for the rest of my life that will always be in my head. Shortly after his meltdown I went to work. I cried my eyes out. I wondered how the hell did we get here. I thought about staying in a hotel,throwing in the towel and moving on after 17 years. It isn't that I want to, it isn't that I don't love him because I truly do. I just don't know how to cope with my emotions right now. I want to be anger for the choices he has made but really I am just devastated. I see this amazing man just struggle and I miss who he was before addiction robbed him of a real life. How do you cope with your loved ones low points? How do you keep pushing on?
Dear Tenderheart, I really feel for you...You asked a loaded question at the end...how do we push on....I don't know if I push on or simply just survive ...I try to push on because I have a younger son that needs his Mom,as in truth he has already lost his brother to herion addiction....Chris is in jail again...His brother didn't even want to visit him...Mom I haven't known him in ten years...I push on because I didn't do this ....I didn't get him hooked on herion...He believed in so called friends and made stupid choices.....Chris and I always had a open relationship he could talk and come to me with anything...He chose to change the terms of our relationship. ..He decided to lie steal be deceitful. ....I have already been robbed of my son....I try and push on cause I deserve a life....I go to work try and be the best I can be everyday....I try to understand that he is an adult....I can grab the Bull by the horn but I have yet to stop him....We have tried rehabs counseling suboxone he has been incarated you name it.....I'm literally Disgusted with all.of it...There has to come a point that even though we love them we have to love ourselves to....we cannot allow them to determine our lives our self worth......it's a daily struggle a daily ache but yes somehow someway I guess we do push on.
Here is a word of encouragement:
You are not alone, in that you loved someone who is an addict.
I strongly suggest you get into a family support program. Al Anon and NA Anon are free meetings. Most treatment centers have family programs. Your Doctor may be able to recommend one.
I suspect you are addicted to the addict - your ups and downs and happiness are tied to the addict's.
You need to be better, whether the addict is or not. You are no help to your loved one unless you are on firm recovery ground.
A point to ponder is this: There is nothing you won't do to help the addict find recovery. However, there is nothing you will do to help the addict get worse.
I hope this helps.
You are not alone, in that you loved someone who is an addict.
I strongly suggest you get into a family support program. Al Anon and NA Anon are free meetings. Most treatment centers have family programs. Your Doctor may be able to recommend one.
I suspect you are addicted to the addict - your ups and downs and happiness are tied to the addict's.
You need to be better, whether the addict is or not. You are no help to your loved one unless you are on firm recovery ground.
A point to ponder is this: There is nothing you won't do to help the addict find recovery. However, there is nothing you will do to help the addict get worse.
I hope this helps.
