Ok so like the name i picked I am so utterly confused right now. My husband & I had an addiction to pain pills awhile back, weve been clean over 4 yrs (well I have), he had a few relapses that I know of & prob much more that I dont know about.
Recently our dog died ( she was like a child to us..it was devastating) & he didnt take it well, neither did I, but I didnt fall apart. He immediately started isolating himself in the basement of our house & I thought he just needed alone time to grieve (cry) without anyone watching. Then his behavior changed drastically & the time stretched to months. We were fighting all the time so I stayed away from him too & let him crawl into his hole when he came home from work everyday. Silly me still thought it was about our dog. Then he got these scabs all over the bottom of his face & said it was pimples he popped, BUT he cried about it & thats when I knew something was off.
Given our past I assumed pills were the culprit, so I confronted him & at first he denied it, then I gathered evidence of not only buying drugs, but also multiple affairs. So he finally fessed up to the drugs & said it was pills, but REFUSED to admit to cheating..I had proof so whatever. He said he had stopped using..he hadnt. So I told him I was moving out at the end of the month..he could care less. I dont think he believed me or maybe it was the drugs making him not care..I dont know. After several days we got into a fight & I told him who I was moving with(my friend) & that we had found a house. He blew up & had our daughter not been there I dont know what would've happened. So he said he quit then & the next few days he told me over & over how sorry he was for messing up our family & finances (all the money was gone) & that I should move & run as far away from him as I could get (reverse psychology?). Then the next day(I guess when that didnt work), he begged me to stay ( even though he said he knew it was selfish). I asked for complete honesty & he finally admitted to the cheating & agreed to tell me everything about it after our daughter went to her moms for the weekend because he knew I would fall apart (duh). He then comes up out of the blue &hugs me & says whether you stay or go thank you & when I asked for what, he said he'd tell me after our daughter left.
The night she leaves he drops the bomb that it was meth & not pills & that he used it for 2 months every now & then & then the last month he used it heavily everyday (basically since our dog died hes been on it). He said the thank you was for getting him to stop long enough to see what he had become & decide he wanted to quit. He looked terrible (in obvious withdrawals) so I walked away & cried & when I came back in the room he had fallen asleep so I started researching meth & became so terrified of what could happen if he stayed on it that I decided to postpone talking about the affairs & moving out & just be supportive as long as he was clean. I have been doing that for 2 days now & sometimes he gets upset & says he wishes I would be mad at him because he feels like an even bigger jerk & he doesnt deserve for me to be so good to him when he hurt me so bad. I keep telling him that he made really bad choices, but that hes not bad & that he shouldnt be so down on himself. Its really really hard to do this though as im so hurt from what he did & I dont even know exactly what happened yet. Im afraid if I have him tell me then I will be so hurt that I wont be supportive anymore, but I dont want to start getting along throughout this & then have to start over all again once hes ok.
So my main questions to anyone who can help are 1) how bad is this going to be given the amount of time hes been using it (2 months a little bit & 1 month daily)? 2) am I doing the right things to help? 3) would it be a bad idea to deal with the cheating aspect while hes trying to quit? If so, when should I bring that up? 4) is there anything else I can do to try to help him help himself? 5) I texted one of the people I know he was buying from because they kept texting him tonight (hes asleep) &told them I would use the proof I had to put them in jail if they ever contacted or sold him anything again (I was really upset!), was that a bad move..should I be worried?
Thanks to anyone who actually finished all of that..whew! Any help you can give would be so appreciated!
Hi, ummm just from my little town, right away I'd say don't get involved with talking to any dealers. That's potentially dangerous.
Meth can be extremely controlling and very quickly with some users.
Denial is a easy protective fog. Educate yourself and be strong.
Saying no is important. Say it often.
Trust every single little tiny twinge you get but cannot explain, just trust it.
Don't forget yourself. Take care of you. That will show your partner how to care about himself.
Stewart.
Meth can be extremely controlling and very quickly with some users.
Denial is a easy protective fog. Educate yourself and be strong.
Saying no is important. Say it often.
Trust every single little tiny twinge you get but cannot explain, just trust it.
Don't forget yourself. Take care of you. That will show your partner how to care about himself.
Stewart.
Thank you, I wasn't thinking very clearly when I sent the texts to the dealer..my husband was there sleeping on the couch(withdrawals), hes fighting to save his life & stay away from those drugs & I see this ***hole texting him repeatedly saying "where r u" " havent heard from u in awhile, r u good?" No jerk hes not good! So I just wanted to scare him so he'd go away, probably wont work, but I was so angry! I know its my husbands doing, but do these people that sell this crap ever think about the lives they're destroying? ? Prob not.
Ive been trying to take care of myself, but the stress feels like its killing me. I cant eat hardly anything & have lost a TON of weight in the last month or so, I keep getting nosebleeds (I think from crying so much)..I swear it looks like im on drugs. I dont know how to not feel this stress. Thanks for responding though, it helps to hear from others..I cant talk to anyone about this. I want to go to meetings, but I dont have nar anon where I live, only al anon & i dont know if I can go there when the problem is drugs not alcohol :(
Ive been trying to take care of myself, but the stress feels like its killing me. I cant eat hardly anything & have lost a TON of weight in the last month or so, I keep getting nosebleeds (I think from crying so much)..I swear it looks like im on drugs. I dont know how to not feel this stress. Thanks for responding though, it helps to hear from others..I cant talk to anyone about this. I want to go to meetings, but I dont have nar anon where I live, only al anon & i dont know if I can go there when the problem is drugs not alcohol :(
So he got really pissed off that I texted that to his friend (dealer) & then he already knew that i hired a private investigator, but he used that as a reason to be mad. Because I said that i had told the dealer i had proof(pictures) of their drug deals from the PI & he flipped out, but said its because he just thought about the fact that a PI would follow him & take pictures???? What else WOULD a PI do?? I told him I did it because I was worried about him & would do it again in a heartbeat if it would stop it. He just got rude so I hung up on him & he texted saying basically if he wrecks on the way home i will regret that! I was shocked, I told him that I was trying really hard to be supportive but that he cant treat me like that & I was gonna go to a friends to avoid fighting& give him some space & he basically flat out threatened to use if I left him alone here! What the hell is happening I dont know this person at all..what do I do I dont want him to use..
Dear Soconfused,
I think you are in a precarious position. As a first step, I would look up the nearest Al Anon or NAR Anon meeting. Or, call a Treatment Center and inquire into their family support programs. All of these options should have a hotline you can call.
It sounds like you are well-into the cycle of codependency. You are trying to fix & control a loved one's addiction. In fact, you are powerless over another person's addiction (the first step of Al Anon).
I believe you asked "how bad is this"? Typically meth is not used in a recreational fashion. In my experience the people who use meth are well into the addiction cycle. And, the cycle - left untreated - only leads down to jail or death.
I hope this helps,
Fly
I think you are in a precarious position. As a first step, I would look up the nearest Al Anon or NAR Anon meeting. Or, call a Treatment Center and inquire into their family support programs. All of these options should have a hotline you can call.
It sounds like you are well-into the cycle of codependency. You are trying to fix & control a loved one's addiction. In fact, you are powerless over another person's addiction (the first step of Al Anon).
I believe you asked "how bad is this"? Typically meth is not used in a recreational fashion. In my experience the people who use meth are well into the addiction cycle. And, the cycle - left untreated - only leads down to jail or death.
I hope this helps,
Fly
Hi soooconfused- you are not responsible for the actions of others-addicts are very clever at using and manipulating people to get what we want-you are being manipulated by this guy-whether he uses or not is his decision not yours-it will not be decided by whether you leave him alone or not- start to look after yourself first-leave if you do not feel comfortable being around this guy-DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT LOOKING AFTER YOU-he is going to use if he wants to, regardless of your actions-this will only change when he decides he has had enough-you cannot save this guy-only he can make that decision-go to al-anon or whatever resource is available to help you and offer you support-start living for you- you owe it to yourself to look after yourself first and foremost-stay strong and stay safe-keep reaching out for support-all the best-
Thank you so much for responding. I took the advice & am not going to try to fix this because obviously i cant. I told him that he has all the resources available to him if he wants to stop & that im going to focus on me..ive lost 45lbs in 2months from the stress of this whole situation& didnt even realize it (I guess because I see myself everyday), my doctor was very concerned so I need to take better care of myself. He, as far as I know, has stopped using & has told his group about it & hes now required to go in for weekly drug tests. I have been going to na meetings & started al-anon (because thats all I have close to me) meetings & its really helping. He has been stuck to my hip since he says he quit(hes sleeping ALL the time & eating everything in sight..idont know if thats normal) & has been apologizing profusely, but he keeps downing himself, I guess thats the self-loathing I keep reading about it. I dont know what to say when he does that because I know deep down hes a good person, but his choices suck! And sometimes I feel like hes playing victim a lot & fishing for me to say its ok. I told him that I will support him when hes making the right choices, but thats it. I love him with all my heart, but im still so scared that hes going to do it again. Does this fear ever go away or will I always be waiting for the other shoe to drop??
Dear so confused,Once trust is compromised on any level in any realtionship it is normal to be on edge. .as far as waiting for the other shoe to drop. .yes that's basically life for someone who loves a addict...it revolves around their choices...as we cannot control them or they next move......your husband is a addict...You want to live life as you say waiting for the shoe to drop. ..You must look out for yourself right now...or he will pull you down with him........You must make it clear that although you can't control him you can and will control your path....He has to want to change ....and the fact he got all upset with you texting the dealer shows he wants to keep his connection intact....Stop allowing him to make excuses for his actions...there are no excuses. .... we all have burdens to bear...He has to stop throwing the excuse card......in the meantime look out for you...
Thank you everyone, its really nice to see that others care & understand. Everything was going ok, we were talking & being nice to each other, I went to his group with him the other day. Then last night he was really hyper & I just couldnt help but get anxious..wondering if he used..always wondering. So he noticed & got irritated & said lets do a drug test(I already had one) & so he took it after drinking a whole soda & it was negative. Obviously i was happy about that but his attitude sucked so I reminded him that trust was going to take time. He was still irritated so then i got irritated. So we were supposed to be talking about some stuff(cheating on me while he was using) & I finally said no nows not a good time to talk about it..I said it twice, but he starts telling me anyway. It didnt go well & we argued well into the morning hours until I just stopped talking & tried to watch funny videos to calm myself down. Im so hurt & angry from the things I heard that I dont know what to do anymore. I was trying to support him since hes clean & trying & I did know he had cheated already, but hearing about it was so much worse. I dont really know what to do or think..I guess I just needed to talk about it..im going to a meeting in the morning so maybe that will help..
Dear So Confused, I don't understand why or what was to be accomplished by him discussing his affairs he had....You can't change what has been written as life does not hand us erasers when we make bad choices...He can't possibly believe it would make you feel better....was the purpose of it to clear his dirty conscience. ....as far as him being annoyed about you being unsure whether he used or not...then taking the drug test...He was the one that cheated used narcotics lied...He took away the trust the faith...He is the one that has to fix it and earn back what he so willingly threw to the wind...You need time to heal...He betrayed you in many ways...if you decide to stay with him counseling will be needed. ...don't allow him to make you feel guilt over his bad choices...work on yourself get counseling....He needs to prove he is changing himself and his patterns..and if he has a woman willing to stick by him...then maybe he has to be willing to not get annoyed but rather to work on himself and have some understanding.
