I've been feeling nervous lately about my drinking. I've been drinking wine since I was in college, and I'm in my forties now. It use to be 2 glassses a night, now it's about 4. I've tried to control it hundreds of times but, I can't. I want to quit but I don't know what to say to people,No one thinks I have a problem. I'm never drunk, never had a dui, no one ever sees me have more than a couple glasses of wine. But I know there is a problem that will get worse if I don't do something, and I have 5 kids and I want to be the best Mom.
What do I tell my sisters, who I always have a couple glasses of wine with? What do I say to my mother in law, who makes hhomemade wine from her own grapes, and is so proud that I love her wine? What do I say to friends that I have drank socially with in the past? I don't want to tell people I am an alcoholic - they wont even believe me. And I would feel so stupid going to an AA meeting. I'm never drunk, and I've no horror stories to tell. I just get comfortably numb ever night, and it doesn't seem to affect anyone. Can some one help me out?
Hi Mas,
Welcome to the board! Glad you found your way here. As far as telling someone you have a drinking problem in your family, well that is up to you. When someone offers me a drink I simply say, no thanks. I am not usually around alcohol anymore, but if the situation did arise, like someones wedding or whatever I would still simply say no thanks. Most of the time I would just make an excuse and leave the function whatever it is. Especially if its bothering me. If its not in arms reach I can't drink it. For me, When I first went to AA, I felt dumb and felt like I didn't belong there...after all who was i hurting? I was hurting me. I was dieing on the inside. I was spiritually broke. I couldn't even look in the mirror without hating myself. I was just living a miserable existence. You know not everyone has horror stories to tell. I know a woman who has 17 years sober and all she lost was herself. She didnt lose her house, kids, job or anything. I still have my kids, and my husband and all but if I were to continue drinking and drugging eventually I would lose them to. Everytime I picked up I lost something else. The first time I tried to get sober, I used to go to AA meetings that were far from my house because I didn't want anyone to know. Anyone that asked me where I was going, I would just tell them I was going shopping or whatever. Today its not like that, I dont care who knows. Now I dont go running down the street screaming I am an alcoholic/addict to let the world know, but I dont hide it either. I know what you mean by noone believing your an alcoholic because my own mother doesnt believe me....shocking since all the trouble I caused throughout my life as a direct result from drinking and drugging. My mother in law used to think I was going to AA because my husband was in AA. Thought I was doing it for a social life. I ran with alot of this crap and eventually picked up a drink and drug....my mother inlaw no longer questions it.Anyway...I just wanted to welcome you to the board and hope you stick around. Hope what I said made some kind of sense...
take care
gi
Welcome to the board! Glad you found your way here. As far as telling someone you have a drinking problem in your family, well that is up to you. When someone offers me a drink I simply say, no thanks. I am not usually around alcohol anymore, but if the situation did arise, like someones wedding or whatever I would still simply say no thanks. Most of the time I would just make an excuse and leave the function whatever it is. Especially if its bothering me. If its not in arms reach I can't drink it. For me, When I first went to AA, I felt dumb and felt like I didn't belong there...after all who was i hurting? I was hurting me. I was dieing on the inside. I was spiritually broke. I couldn't even look in the mirror without hating myself. I was just living a miserable existence. You know not everyone has horror stories to tell. I know a woman who has 17 years sober and all she lost was herself. She didnt lose her house, kids, job or anything. I still have my kids, and my husband and all but if I were to continue drinking and drugging eventually I would lose them to. Everytime I picked up I lost something else. The first time I tried to get sober, I used to go to AA meetings that were far from my house because I didn't want anyone to know. Anyone that asked me where I was going, I would just tell them I was going shopping or whatever. Today its not like that, I dont care who knows. Now I dont go running down the street screaming I am an alcoholic/addict to let the world know, but I dont hide it either. I know what you mean by noone believing your an alcoholic because my own mother doesnt believe me....shocking since all the trouble I caused throughout my life as a direct result from drinking and drugging. My mother in law used to think I was going to AA because my husband was in AA. Thought I was doing it for a social life. I ran with alot of this crap and eventually picked up a drink and drug....my mother inlaw no longer questions it.Anyway...I just wanted to welcome you to the board and hope you stick around. Hope what I said made some kind of sense...
take care
gi
Thanks , Gina
It does make sense what you said, especially about hurting myself. Because i don't think that at this point I've seriously hurt anyone else with my drinking, and finding the motivation to quit is hard. I definitel haven't hit bottom, my life could be so much worse.
And thanks for caring. It's such a releif to have a place where I can talk openly about this and get responses from someone who cares.
It does make sense what you said, especially about hurting myself. Because i don't think that at this point I've seriously hurt anyone else with my drinking, and finding the motivation to quit is hard. I definitel haven't hit bottom, my life could be so much worse.
And thanks for caring. It's such a releif to have a place where I can talk openly about this and get responses from someone who cares.
Mas, Welcome...I've been told it's not how much I drink but how it affects me...keep posting and you will get some good insight into the disease of alcoholism.
Gina ~ You're story is kinda similar to mine...about going to meetings not around my home...and also the family's perception (except those who weren't afraid to confront me). I was making my amends to my Mom and she was so uncomfortable and said something like: "Oh, it's okay don't worry about..., now let's go eat dinner..."
Gina ~ You're story is kinda similar to mine...about going to meetings not around my home...and also the family's perception (except those who weren't afraid to confront me). I was making my amends to my Mom and she was so uncomfortable and said something like: "Oh, it's okay don't worry about..., now let's go eat dinner..."
Hey everyone,
I didn't have a drink today, and it was a pretty stressful day, too. My husband has been playing mind games with me. He likes to keep me feeling guilty and like I did everything wrong, no matter how hard I try to please him. I usually handle the pain and frustration with a couple drinks. I'm really lucky to have good genes- more than 3 or 4 drinks and I get sick - even after 20 years of drinking. It still scares me though how badlly I need those drinks sometimes. Anyway, today I was just mad enough not to let him do thaat to me. Has anyone else ever been in a relationship with a controlling person who tempted them to have a drink all the time, and then used it against them to make them feel like a loser?
Hi Mas...welcome...VW Girl has a point...its not about how much you drink but what drinking or how drinking makes you feel about yourself. I was 19...and my drinking made me feel absolutely AWFUL. I am grateful I didn't have to hit a rock bottom, the bottom I hit was bad enough. I was in a "controlling" marriage for 15 years. He was also a recovering alcoholic...but he did everything to make me feel bad about myself...and turn things into my fault. This is my ESH (experience, strength and hope)---if you can, go talk to a professional---therapist, minister, ect. Take care of yourself, help yourself. No one can tell you if you are an alcoholic, you have to...there is nothing to lose to go to some open AA meetings...and as I was told...LISTEN...just listen, identify with the feelings, do not compare...we all have our own stories, our own bottoms. One woman in AA I knew only drank for a year, she was in her late 30's...and threw a bottle at the tv one night...the next night she went to a meeting...we all have our own stories but we are not unique...we all share alcoholism...and if anything, even if you decide you are not an alcoholic, the 12 Steps of AA are great for anyone! I recommend them to all of my friends. Good luck...hug, Gina
Thanks,reglow. I guess dinking makesme feel like a lose, especially because I'm a mother, andi don't think it's appropriate for a mother to always be drinking in front of her kids. Once we had an evenning Girl Scout meeting, and I'm the leader, and Icouldn't make it to the meetining without a drink first, Every Wednesday night the kids and I have church activities, and I always have to go with a couple glasses of wine in me, because I can't make it until we get home at 9 pm without it. So that's why I know there is a problem. Because I don't want to go to these events with alcohol on my breath, but i can't help it. I just pray no one smells my breath, and I feel so inferior to all the other Moms at church that night. I guess I just feel like a loser. That's what drinking is doing to me and I want to stop..I've tried many many times, and I always go back to it. Maybe becuase thing aren't bad enough yet, who knows.
Mas, Re-glow and I sound like we were married to the same man, lol! I had the same reaction to alcohol at times, but I crossed that line, my tolerance increased over 28 years...and there I sat all alone at the end...that's when I surrendered. Then shortly thereafter I jumped right into the AA program...I too, was active with the Girl Scouts and PTA...I realize I wasn't fooling that many people...especially my children ~ they got sick of me and walked out. If you haven't already...scroll down on the posts here and read my story...maybe you can identify with it. I was in a miserable marriage for approximately twenty years...I numbed the pain with alcohol and drugs, that's how I chose to deal with it...you do not have to do that....be good to yourself, you are worth it and your children need and love you. They only want you to be happy.
Hi Mas
I'm sorry to hear you are in so much pain. I myself am only 8 days sober. I have only been to a couple of AA meetings and sometimes feel I don't fit cause I never had to go to detox, or rehab, never lost a job to drinking, had a DUI or anything like that.
HOWEVER, my drinking is out of control. I would spend my whole life thinking about drinking, skip social events to drink at home, drink during the day and it got worse with each passing year. The last year I've felt such despair and hopelessness and come to realise I can't control this drinking anymore.
Once I realised how hard it was for me to stop I knew right then I had a serious problem. But it still took me a long time to accept I couldn't drink like other people.
I decided I wanted my life back, I want to feel good about myself again. I don't feel good about myself when I drink.
Sorry about your H - mine can be like that though generally he's not. Alcohol makes him a a**hole sometimes, but underneath he's a good person. Does your husband have an addiction problem also?
You've come to a good place, this board is a very welcoming place and you can share here and no-one will judge you.
take care of you
Idgie
I'm sorry to hear you are in so much pain. I myself am only 8 days sober. I have only been to a couple of AA meetings and sometimes feel I don't fit cause I never had to go to detox, or rehab, never lost a job to drinking, had a DUI or anything like that.
HOWEVER, my drinking is out of control. I would spend my whole life thinking about drinking, skip social events to drink at home, drink during the day and it got worse with each passing year. The last year I've felt such despair and hopelessness and come to realise I can't control this drinking anymore.
Once I realised how hard it was for me to stop I knew right then I had a serious problem. But it still took me a long time to accept I couldn't drink like other people.
I decided I wanted my life back, I want to feel good about myself again. I don't feel good about myself when I drink.
Sorry about your H - mine can be like that though generally he's not. Alcohol makes him a a**hole sometimes, but underneath he's a good person. Does your husband have an addiction problem also?
You've come to a good place, this board is a very welcoming place and you can share here and no-one will judge you.
take care of you
Idgie
Hey idgie,
Thanks for your response. I think we have a lot in common. I've been skipping social things lately because i would rather stay home and drink. but I'm an introvert, anyway, so I like to stay home either way.
Yes, my husband is a pretty heavy drinker too. He struggles with it, too, and we both feel we are not setting a good example for our kids. He has his good side, too but there are days where I am so deepressed and hurt and angry from his behavior. It's complicated, he had some painful things happen in his childhood, and we're very close friends. I understand him, but he can still really hurt me. Even if I wanted to, I just couldn't leave him. I have 5 kids that I don't think i could support alone, and they adore him He is a good dad. They would hate me if i left. So on the days I feel really hurt and wish i could leave i feel so trapped.
Thanks to all of you for your responses. It feels like such a relief to talk about this finally, and thanks for caring. I don't know if i will drink today or not. In two weeks we are going to europe for a month- my husband is from Hungary, and we're going to visit his family. Eastern Europeans are HEAVY drinkers. I feel normal when I'm over there. I bet that over there 50% are alcoholics, by our standards. But they don't know it because everyone is just like them, and if they are'nt falling down and making fools of themselves, no one judges their drinking. So anyway, my point is that I probably will not make a fianl decsion about quitting for good until we get back. but I will try to have as many dry days as i can - even while i am there.
You all help me so much. I decided that if i was going to quit i needed extra help, and so far, you all are it. Thanks agin for being there.
Thanks for your response. I think we have a lot in common. I've been skipping social things lately because i would rather stay home and drink. but I'm an introvert, anyway, so I like to stay home either way.
Yes, my husband is a pretty heavy drinker too. He struggles with it, too, and we both feel we are not setting a good example for our kids. He has his good side, too but there are days where I am so deepressed and hurt and angry from his behavior. It's complicated, he had some painful things happen in his childhood, and we're very close friends. I understand him, but he can still really hurt me. Even if I wanted to, I just couldn't leave him. I have 5 kids that I don't think i could support alone, and they adore him He is a good dad. They would hate me if i left. So on the days I feel really hurt and wish i could leave i feel so trapped.
Thanks to all of you for your responses. It feels like such a relief to talk about this finally, and thanks for caring. I don't know if i will drink today or not. In two weeks we are going to europe for a month- my husband is from Hungary, and we're going to visit his family. Eastern Europeans are HEAVY drinkers. I feel normal when I'm over there. I bet that over there 50% are alcoholics, by our standards. But they don't know it because everyone is just like them, and if they are'nt falling down and making fools of themselves, no one judges their drinking. So anyway, my point is that I probably will not make a fianl decsion about quitting for good until we get back. but I will try to have as many dry days as i can - even while i am there.
You all help me so much. I decided that if i was going to quit i needed extra help, and so far, you all are it. Thanks agin for being there.
Hey Mas
keep posting. Look sometimes it takes time to get your head around the fact you have a problem and then come to terms with the idea of quitting and the actuality of quitting. Don't beat yourself up for that.
If you're not ready you're not ready only YOU can evaluate that. What helped me reach the "sticking point" was a few things, reading stuff about addiction and recovery, reading posts on websites like this, just evaluating things in my own mind. Also I do a lot of reading on different self-improvement stuff, spiritual stuff - just take in all the ideas and see if they have something to offer you.
Don't fret too much about the trip to Europe. Maybe the experiences you'll have their will end up being a motivator for you to quit long term. In the meantime as you say have as many dry days as you can - I did a lot of that too.
Sounds like ou have a real busy life with your husband and kids - you have a lot to live for, a lot to stay sober for. Focus on that thought.
take care
Idgie.
keep posting. Look sometimes it takes time to get your head around the fact you have a problem and then come to terms with the idea of quitting and the actuality of quitting. Don't beat yourself up for that.
If you're not ready you're not ready only YOU can evaluate that. What helped me reach the "sticking point" was a few things, reading stuff about addiction and recovery, reading posts on websites like this, just evaluating things in my own mind. Also I do a lot of reading on different self-improvement stuff, spiritual stuff - just take in all the ideas and see if they have something to offer you.
Don't fret too much about the trip to Europe. Maybe the experiences you'll have their will end up being a motivator for you to quit long term. In the meantime as you say have as many dry days as you can - I did a lot of that too.
Sounds like ou have a real busy life with your husband and kids - you have a lot to live for, a lot to stay sober for. Focus on that thought.
take care
Idgie.
