This will be the short version. I just typed the long one and it disappeared. My ex stepson made a youtube video using my daughter (died from od) and granddaughter's names and pictures about drugs. He said in the video that she died from a heroin overdose. Her daughter (7) did not know this. She saw it. I told this to him and told him to delete it. Arguments ensued. "He's helping to stop addiction.....It's his story and he has the right to tell it.....the girl shouldn't be on youtube....etc" This is a child that he wanted to adopt and I said no, and I adopted her. He never asked if she was ok after seeing it. I was so angry that I couldn't talk about it without shaking for 2 days. Why does he think he has the right to put this out there for the world? We moved to a new area. What if she doesnt want to share the details when she gets older? It's her choice...not his. What would you do? I could post more details, because there's more to this, tomorrow. I'm tired now. Thanks in advance.
I am so sorry. Have you talked to her about how she feels? It's scary because it opens a whole new world for her.. and she is so young. I would be angry too. Take care of her though, as your first priority. This may be his way of coping.
AngelMom,
Yes, I agree that he shouldn't have posted it without your consent but unfortunately, just like with everything, we can't control what others do, only how we act and react. It's not ideal and I think you can't give her too much info, being that she's only 7 but I think you should just have a talk with your granddaughter and just explain that her mommy had a sickness (in a way a 7 year old can comprehend).
I'm so sorry for you for the loss of your daughter.
Hugs
Yes, I agree that he shouldn't have posted it without your consent but unfortunately, just like with everything, we can't control what others do, only how we act and react. It's not ideal and I think you can't give her too much info, being that she's only 7 but I think you should just have a talk with your granddaughter and just explain that her mommy had a sickness (in a way a 7 year old can comprehend).
I'm so sorry for you for the loss of your daughter.
Hugs
Angelmom . . .
I'm so sorry for your loss. When did your daughter get her wings? My daughter, Jill, got her's almost 10 months ago. It will be 10 months in another 5 days. So . . .I am sending a huge and tight bear hug . . . because we share a bond . . .a kinship . . . and I need the hug as much as you probably do.
Let me start by saying I agree with all that including your granddaughter's name and picture was wrong. And, I agree that you should chat with her now (and in the future) . . . in an age appropriate manner . . . about her mom's disease and how her mom tried to fight it. I suggest that now that you know about the video, at a minimum, please ask your stepson to hide the girl's likeness and take out her name. If he refuses, say loudly, but under your breath, "I'll sue you, then!" and then see a lawyer to see what you can do. There's gotta be a law against using a minor's name and likeness without consent.
With regard to telling HIS story . . . about his sister's addiction . . . from his perspective??? There is so much mis-information out there, so many sterotypes, and mis-conceptions that, in one sense, I commend him for trying to address the issue of addiction head-on and personally.
My Jill (forever 21 w/ no kids) wanted to keep up appearances. So, she posted on FB pics of her at the beach & her and her boyfriend in Florida. In actuality, she was in rehab and IOP in FL.. . .for some period of time she was homeless . . .and was doing unthinkable things to make money to buy dope for her and lover boy. BUT . . . she was posting all these happy pics of herself. She told me she did not want other's to know she was an addict. In fact, when she was on a heroin run, she didn't want ME to know.
When she passed, I was't ready to announce to the world that she was an addict. Shame? Guilt? Honoring her memory? Stereotypes? Yep . . .all that and more led me to at first say we didn't know what happened . . .we were waiting on the autopsy. More recently, when asked, I tell folks that she was poisoned by carfentanyl. (She had that & coke in her system. No heroin.). I still wasn't ready to go "public" and say she was an addict.
I just said something literally last week about Jill's addiction . . .in response to a "friends" FB rant on how the US government only cares about addiction now . . . it is only being called a disease now . . .because white, affluent kids are dying. They went on and said: when addiction was only affecting the black community the answer was jail . . .now the answer is rehab. (And this person graduated from the Ivy League!) Then . . . there were a string of comments saying how right this comment was and how they didn't care about opioid deaths. I went off . . . among other things, told her that addiction is killing folks of all colors, creeds and socio-economic statuses. And ended by saying, "Addiction in 2017 does not look like what you think. This is the face of addiction . . ." and posted Jill's sorority pic. (We are of Moor-ish descent.) That shut down that conversation.
Would I have done this if I wasn't pissed off? No. But now that I have . . . it is liberating. The secret is out. And . . . a whole, so-called educated group learned something about their pre-conceptions of addiction . . . via Jill's picture. I understand . . . I had control . . .and you . . .her next of kin.. . did not.
I am assuming there is something of artistic value or social worth in his youtube piece. I assume that this may be part of your stepson's grieving process. But, I also understand and feel your discomfort and anger. He should have shown it to you first and sought your permission and blessings. He was wrong. But now that the milk is already spilled . . . Can you work with him to edit this so it is to both of your likings? If its not edit-able, if he is not willing or if you can't, I'd ask him to take it down . . .for you. . . for his sister's memory . . . and for his niece. And if he doesn't . . .I'd have a second issue to discuss when I went to see the attorney.
Sending hugs,
Lynn
xoxo
I'm so sorry for your loss. When did your daughter get her wings? My daughter, Jill, got her's almost 10 months ago. It will be 10 months in another 5 days. So . . .I am sending a huge and tight bear hug . . . because we share a bond . . .a kinship . . . and I need the hug as much as you probably do.
Let me start by saying I agree with all that including your granddaughter's name and picture was wrong. And, I agree that you should chat with her now (and in the future) . . . in an age appropriate manner . . . about her mom's disease and how her mom tried to fight it. I suggest that now that you know about the video, at a minimum, please ask your stepson to hide the girl's likeness and take out her name. If he refuses, say loudly, but under your breath, "I'll sue you, then!" and then see a lawyer to see what you can do. There's gotta be a law against using a minor's name and likeness without consent.
With regard to telling HIS story . . . about his sister's addiction . . . from his perspective??? There is so much mis-information out there, so many sterotypes, and mis-conceptions that, in one sense, I commend him for trying to address the issue of addiction head-on and personally.
My Jill (forever 21 w/ no kids) wanted to keep up appearances. So, she posted on FB pics of her at the beach & her and her boyfriend in Florida. In actuality, she was in rehab and IOP in FL.. . .for some period of time she was homeless . . .and was doing unthinkable things to make money to buy dope for her and lover boy. BUT . . . she was posting all these happy pics of herself. She told me she did not want other's to know she was an addict. In fact, when she was on a heroin run, she didn't want ME to know.
When she passed, I was't ready to announce to the world that she was an addict. Shame? Guilt? Honoring her memory? Stereotypes? Yep . . .all that and more led me to at first say we didn't know what happened . . .we were waiting on the autopsy. More recently, when asked, I tell folks that she was poisoned by carfentanyl. (She had that & coke in her system. No heroin.). I still wasn't ready to go "public" and say she was an addict.
I just said something literally last week about Jill's addiction . . .in response to a "friends" FB rant on how the US government only cares about addiction now . . . it is only being called a disease now . . .because white, affluent kids are dying. They went on and said: when addiction was only affecting the black community the answer was jail . . .now the answer is rehab. (And this person graduated from the Ivy League!) Then . . . there were a string of comments saying how right this comment was and how they didn't care about opioid deaths. I went off . . . among other things, told her that addiction is killing folks of all colors, creeds and socio-economic statuses. And ended by saying, "Addiction in 2017 does not look like what you think. This is the face of addiction . . ." and posted Jill's sorority pic. (We are of Moor-ish descent.) That shut down that conversation.
Would I have done this if I wasn't pissed off? No. But now that I have . . . it is liberating. The secret is out. And . . . a whole, so-called educated group learned something about their pre-conceptions of addiction . . . via Jill's picture. I understand . . . I had control . . .and you . . .her next of kin.. . did not.
I am assuming there is something of artistic value or social worth in his youtube piece. I assume that this may be part of your stepson's grieving process. But, I also understand and feel your discomfort and anger. He should have shown it to you first and sought your permission and blessings. He was wrong. But now that the milk is already spilled . . . Can you work with him to edit this so it is to both of your likings? If its not edit-able, if he is not willing or if you can't, I'd ask him to take it down . . .for you. . . for his sister's memory . . . and for his niece. And if he doesn't . . .I'd have a second issue to discuss when I went to see the attorney.
Sending hugs,
Lynn
xoxo
IF you are still talking to your ex-stepson, ask him to change the names. But for the long term I agree that you should talk to your granddaughter - simple explanations - and let her know you are available to talk about it when she is older. Definitely let her know her mother loved her and is sorry she is not able to be here. Spin it as an illness instead of stupidity. Perhaps making a box of memories of her mom over the next few years will help later when she needs to revisit her mom. If there's things you want her to know, but don't want to tell her now, write it down and put it in the box. Kids are resilient. They take cues from you. If your world is OK, their world is OK.
My father died when I was young. I didn't feel like I was missing anything - growing up without a dad bc my mom, grandparents and family were a big part of my life. when I was a teenager and into my twenties, I felt the loss, wondering what he was like and how life could be different if he was here. he died of complications from asthma and pneumonia.
My father died when I was young. I didn't feel like I was missing anything - growing up without a dad bc my mom, grandparents and family were a big part of my life. when I was a teenager and into my twenties, I felt the loss, wondering what he was like and how life could be different if he was here. he died of complications from asthma and pneumonia.
Thank you all for your replies. Lynn, I'm so sorry about your daughter. It was 4 years last month for my daughter. Her daughter was 3 at the time. She is now 7. She's smart, funny, kind and well adjusted. She doesn't remember the craziness and I remind her of the good things. I've told her that MaMa was sick and couldn't get better, so God took her to Heaven so that she wouldn't hurt anymore. When she saw the video she was focusing on the pictures. She said to look at what Uncle Brian did, he put hers and MaMa's pictures on youtube. I asked what it was, and she said that she didn't know. I didn't even realize what it was until I went into history to find it and watch it. She doesn't seem any different, so unless she mentions something, I'm not going into more detail about her death for a few more years.
He deleted the video. In my opinion, the reason he used his nieces picture was purely to get a reaction. He said that he wanted to help stop addiction. His brother is an addict struggling with recovery. I told him that he could have made a video saying that his sister died from an OD and his brother is struggling with recovery. Why didn't he do that? He said that he doesn't know. I told him not to use his nieces picture or name in any videos or posts. Using a cute little girl gets the attention he wants. His solution to addiction is to find something that your child loves to do and get them involved in it. Oh, if it was only that easy. He is very naive about addiction. He has a huge ego and feeds off of the reactions that he gets from Facebook and Youtube. I have no problem with this as long as he leaves my granddaughter (now my daughter) out of it. I would not like him posting about my daughter, but she was an adult and she has passed. I, however, will not allow a 7 year old to be used to get sympathetic reactions for his gratification. As I said, he is my ex-stepson....not my circus, not my monkeys.
Jane
He deleted the video. In my opinion, the reason he used his nieces picture was purely to get a reaction. He said that he wanted to help stop addiction. His brother is an addict struggling with recovery. I told him that he could have made a video saying that his sister died from an OD and his brother is struggling with recovery. Why didn't he do that? He said that he doesn't know. I told him not to use his nieces picture or name in any videos or posts. Using a cute little girl gets the attention he wants. His solution to addiction is to find something that your child loves to do and get them involved in it. Oh, if it was only that easy. He is very naive about addiction. He has a huge ego and feeds off of the reactions that he gets from Facebook and Youtube. I have no problem with this as long as he leaves my granddaughter (now my daughter) out of it. I would not like him posting about my daughter, but she was an adult and she has passed. I, however, will not allow a 7 year old to be used to get sympathetic reactions for his gratification. As I said, he is my ex-stepson....not my circus, not my monkeys.
Jane
Sending big hugs, Jane!!! 4 years???? I'm sure it seems like only 4 months in some ways . . .and 4 decades in others.
Thank God, your baby is too young to understand or comprehend what she saw. What you told your 7 yr old daughter about her mom is beautiful!! OMG!!! Keep up the excellent work. She is one lucky little girl to have YOU in her life and as her mom/grandmom. God bless both of you! I love NY's idea of keeping a journal of things . . . creating a memory book . . .concerning her mom . . . or family stories . . .or whatever. And then giving it to her later . . .her 16th bday? her 18th?
As for your ex-stepson . . .WOW!!!
Ok . . .now that I'm out of shock. . .and I've closed my mouth. Because what he did and said made my jaw drop.
Hooray!!! He took it down!!! I agree . . . if his goal was to focus on addiction in his life, he should have told a few stories. Hmmm . . .don't like the fact that he ignored his brother to exploit his angel-sister & her daughter. Did I say "exploit?" Yep . . . bc it truly stinks what he was trying to do. And to allow a 7 yo to see it without any explanation or preparation??? That's unforgivable. So much for artistic or any other kind of value. But . . . at least he had the good sense to take it down. (I hope he apologized too!!!) AND . . .good for you . . .your already set down the rules for his next artistic piece.
Hang in there, Jane! Here's another hug,
Lynn
Thank God, your baby is too young to understand or comprehend what she saw. What you told your 7 yr old daughter about her mom is beautiful!! OMG!!! Keep up the excellent work. She is one lucky little girl to have YOU in her life and as her mom/grandmom. God bless both of you! I love NY's idea of keeping a journal of things . . . creating a memory book . . .concerning her mom . . . or family stories . . .or whatever. And then giving it to her later . . .her 16th bday? her 18th?
As for your ex-stepson . . .WOW!!!
Ok . . .now that I'm out of shock. . .and I've closed my mouth. Because what he did and said made my jaw drop.
Hooray!!! He took it down!!! I agree . . . if his goal was to focus on addiction in his life, he should have told a few stories. Hmmm . . .don't like the fact that he ignored his brother to exploit his angel-sister & her daughter. Did I say "exploit?" Yep . . . bc it truly stinks what he was trying to do. And to allow a 7 yo to see it without any explanation or preparation??? That's unforgivable. So much for artistic or any other kind of value. But . . . at least he had the good sense to take it down. (I hope he apologized too!!!) AND . . .good for you . . .your already set down the rules for his next artistic piece.
Hang in there, Jane! Here's another hug,
Lynn
I agree that using a minor and his step sister, especially by name was in poor taste. He could have focused on how addiction touched him personally without using the names and photos of others. I'm glad that he took it down. Especially when a minor is concerned.
That said, it is quite unfortunate how we talk (or rather not talk) about addiction..especially when a loved one dies from the disease.
I have seen addiction from both sides..as an active addict and an addict in recovery, and I do hope things change with not only the way we talk about addiction, but the way we handle deaths from addiction, too.
It is sad that family members who are left behind feel that they have to skirt around the true cause of death. Family members often feel guilt over deaths of their loved ones and I have heard from people who have lost loved ones from addiction, that they felt they had to keep the cause of death a secret so they didn't "tarnish the memory" of a loved one. I really hope this changes soon.
Addiction is the only disease where we blame the one with the disease. I'm sure part of it is because addiction is seen as a self-induced illness. However, there are lots of other diseases that are "self-induced" yet we treat those people differently. If we know someone who has smoked two packs a day for 30 years and then gets stricken with lung cancer, everyone rallies around them, raises money, wears colorful rubber awarness bracelets and does everything they can for the one who is sick and the family. Why should addiction be any different?
Face it, if your loved one dies of any other disease, people will bring you casseroles and offer to clean your house, walk your dog or do anything they can to help. If the disease is addiction, there is talk in hushed tones, no one brings food and families are left to cry alone! This has to change!
I have been in recovery for sometime now and I am finding that saying "I am an addict" is becoming a hinderence. I have the disease of addiction, but it doesn't define my life or who I am. It is simply an illness I have that I have to manage. I wouldn't go around saying I am pneumonia or I am strep throat!! LOL I think that identifying yourself as an addict or alcoholic was meant to demonstrate that you are taking responsibility for your illness, but over time it has become it's own animal. It has become a way of identifying "them", and unfortunately has made the stigma worse.
I hope there is a day when people can say that their loved one is struggling with addiction and that cassaroles get baked, bracelets get worn, donations are made etc. The only way we will ever get to that point is by speaking out and speaking the truth. By not allowing small minds to destroy the memory of our loved ones who battle addiction.
I often see obituaries that say so-and-so died after a valiant battle with cancer. I hope that we see this with addiction. Anyone who has lost their life to this disease DID fight a valiant battle!!! As someone who has experienced active addiction, I can assure you that anyone with an addiction is fighting every day just to stay alive. It might look like we are doing nothing, but the disease sucks the very life out of us so each day we survive, we win. Each day we survive is a chance for our disease to go into remission! I like the term remission, much more than "being clean". Talk about a phrase with negative connotations!!! Phrases like "dirty" and "clean" have a moral weight to their meaning, and addiction is NOT an issue of morality!!! Addiction is a disease that is difficult to treat, subject to relapse and in need of constant monitoring..much like any other health issue.
Sorry, I went off on a tangent!!!! I completely understand and agree that your step-son should not have used your daughter's name or her daughter's name or likeness. I just think it is a shame that addiction is viewed this way. If he had used their pictures for a similar video about any other disease, people would be applauding, but addiction is still viewed in the dark and whispered about in dark corners. Until all of us, family, friends and those of us who have an addiction stand up without shame and without apology for having an illness, stigma will prevail!
From now on, I am going to reword how I address addiction too! I have an addiction. It is not all of who I am, actually it is quite a small part of me. I will not use "clean" or "dirty" to describe someone's illness. I think remission and relapse are much more appropriate. I also think the next time someone asks me if I was a "Skidrow type addict" I will say no, but my addiction was a stage 4. (like stage four cancer..likely to be terminal, but not necessarily so!)
Hopefully we can change the conversation. For those of you that have lost a loved one from this disease, just remember, addiction was an illness the had, it was not who they were! They were all their talents and hobbies and intellect and everything that made them who they are. The fact that they suffered an illness should not diminish they fact of how very special and very loved they were and still are!
That said, it is quite unfortunate how we talk (or rather not talk) about addiction..especially when a loved one dies from the disease.
I have seen addiction from both sides..as an active addict and an addict in recovery, and I do hope things change with not only the way we talk about addiction, but the way we handle deaths from addiction, too.
It is sad that family members who are left behind feel that they have to skirt around the true cause of death. Family members often feel guilt over deaths of their loved ones and I have heard from people who have lost loved ones from addiction, that they felt they had to keep the cause of death a secret so they didn't "tarnish the memory" of a loved one. I really hope this changes soon.
Addiction is the only disease where we blame the one with the disease. I'm sure part of it is because addiction is seen as a self-induced illness. However, there are lots of other diseases that are "self-induced" yet we treat those people differently. If we know someone who has smoked two packs a day for 30 years and then gets stricken with lung cancer, everyone rallies around them, raises money, wears colorful rubber awarness bracelets and does everything they can for the one who is sick and the family. Why should addiction be any different?
Face it, if your loved one dies of any other disease, people will bring you casseroles and offer to clean your house, walk your dog or do anything they can to help. If the disease is addiction, there is talk in hushed tones, no one brings food and families are left to cry alone! This has to change!
I have been in recovery for sometime now and I am finding that saying "I am an addict" is becoming a hinderence. I have the disease of addiction, but it doesn't define my life or who I am. It is simply an illness I have that I have to manage. I wouldn't go around saying I am pneumonia or I am strep throat!! LOL I think that identifying yourself as an addict or alcoholic was meant to demonstrate that you are taking responsibility for your illness, but over time it has become it's own animal. It has become a way of identifying "them", and unfortunately has made the stigma worse.
I hope there is a day when people can say that their loved one is struggling with addiction and that cassaroles get baked, bracelets get worn, donations are made etc. The only way we will ever get to that point is by speaking out and speaking the truth. By not allowing small minds to destroy the memory of our loved ones who battle addiction.
I often see obituaries that say so-and-so died after a valiant battle with cancer. I hope that we see this with addiction. Anyone who has lost their life to this disease DID fight a valiant battle!!! As someone who has experienced active addiction, I can assure you that anyone with an addiction is fighting every day just to stay alive. It might look like we are doing nothing, but the disease sucks the very life out of us so each day we survive, we win. Each day we survive is a chance for our disease to go into remission! I like the term remission, much more than "being clean". Talk about a phrase with negative connotations!!! Phrases like "dirty" and "clean" have a moral weight to their meaning, and addiction is NOT an issue of morality!!! Addiction is a disease that is difficult to treat, subject to relapse and in need of constant monitoring..much like any other health issue.
Sorry, I went off on a tangent!!!! I completely understand and agree that your step-son should not have used your daughter's name or her daughter's name or likeness. I just think it is a shame that addiction is viewed this way. If he had used their pictures for a similar video about any other disease, people would be applauding, but addiction is still viewed in the dark and whispered about in dark corners. Until all of us, family, friends and those of us who have an addiction stand up without shame and without apology for having an illness, stigma will prevail!
From now on, I am going to reword how I address addiction too! I have an addiction. It is not all of who I am, actually it is quite a small part of me. I will not use "clean" or "dirty" to describe someone's illness. I think remission and relapse are much more appropriate. I also think the next time someone asks me if I was a "Skidrow type addict" I will say no, but my addiction was a stage 4. (like stage four cancer..likely to be terminal, but not necessarily so!)
Hopefully we can change the conversation. For those of you that have lost a loved one from this disease, just remember, addiction was an illness the had, it was not who they were! They were all their talents and hobbies and intellect and everything that made them who they are. The fact that they suffered an illness should not diminish they fact of how very special and very loved they were and still are!
Thank you for the Rant! I think we need addiction supporter rubber bands! Everyone would be surprised at who is wearing them! How many of us would be willing to wear them! I have seen an obituary stating "he lost his battle with his demons"
I agree about the stigma of addiction. Actually everyone in my daughters life knew about her addiction and sympathized. Her memorial celebrated her entire life and did not focus on the last 5 years. Two years after her death, I moved about 20 miles away. Her daughter is now in a different school district. Her new friends only know that her mom died, but not how. I dont think that I need to tell everyone the details. When shes old enough, it will be her choice. I think that it is her story to tell or not to tell.
@Angelmom..I agree with you 100%! It is her story to tell. My hope is that the world will finally come to see addiction a the illness it is. I hope one day addiction does not define the person who is suffering! You are already making a difference! You are doing a tremendous job taking care of that little girl. I can't imagine the depth of your loss either. Sending you all the love, hope and good vibes I can muster! (and that is a lot!!)
