Hello,
This is my first time posting and I'm hoping to get advice on our situation as it feels a bit overwhelming and I'm not sure how to handle it properly but it must change for everyone's sake. I know this is long but I want to provide enough info to consider.
Daily Drugs all prescribed by one doctor and she still runs out week(s) in advance on top of drinking alcohol when she can get it: Oxycontin 30mg X 2, runs out a week sometimes more early , Fentanyl 75mg (sometimes has 2 patches on or puts them on early which means she runs out a week early, Methadone , Muscle relaxers, antidepressants, Sleeping meds, wakeful meds (modafinil)
My mother-in-law moved in with us last year. She was having marital and health problems, (MS) and it seemed like the best option for her. I have always known that she has taken pain pills and drank since I've known her but it her life seemed together during those times. I've seen such a tremendous decline and there has to be a breaking point, a rock bottom but she will not submit to it. I'm extremely worried about her and how it is effecting my home, wife, and kids and my sanity. I've talked to her about it, I've tried inspiring her, supporting, coaching. She now won't talk to me much other than cordially, I'm worn out from it, she knows I'm frustrated. My wife is frustrated, tired, scared.
She has nowhere to go, husband wont take her back, says she is our responsibility now.
She is in mid 50's. She does have health issues and after now living with her, my intuition is that a lot/most of them are due to the amount of drugs, alcohol, and monthly withdrawal she goes through from running out weeks early every month. Its the same cycle over and over, overtakes (wasted) , withdrawal (misery) The dr. may be close to figuring this out, but doesn't know (yet) that she is withdrawing every month from overtaking the meds. She has gone to the hospital in between while in withdrawal. She has been coming home with higher doses and new drugs every visit. We have seen her go through 3 handles of liquor in a little over a week. We won't get it for her but she gets it when she gets the little money she has.
Anytime you interact with her, she is in chaos over something, meds, pain, mad at someone or something, complaining.
When she does overtake the meds, she is social, but way overly intoxicated. When she is low or out of the drugs she doesn't come out of her room much, pretty much only to go to the bathroom. Calls on my wife to do things for her from there.
She hasn't been communicating with any of her brothers or sisters (they know how things are with her)
Steps we took recently:
No longer any alcohol in house although she gets it when she has enough money.
I saw a therapist last week, going again for advice next week. We are talking about an intervention but wife is nervous about that.
If anyone has any suggestions on how to approach this properly, I'd love to hear it. I know I'm not well from this but ultimately I just want her to get better and live again.
You have been so call co-dependent--sad. Mad .and just plain had enough...Yes I no all your going thru--my sister-in-law was living with me, omg it was bad ,I took her too rehab and that was that,,she was making me lose my mind. And when she was w/d it was bad,sweating couldn't eat ,,on and on and when on the pills and to much of them she cooked cleaned talked my ear off was happy than happy..so one day I just called a rehab place and they took her 2 months later, she had a choice, but that was get out or shape up, she now 3 years clean and takes her pills has she should with her son holding them and dispensing them to her daily, she lives with my brother her son in a 5 bedroom house,ok rehab or just suffer till she dead in her bed, amen to you and your family.
and also if your taking care of her and you no she abusing drugs, and find her dead in her bedroom. You can get into trouble. That's not good, she on a lot of heavy drugs you need to get her into rehab detox now, call her dr,now!!!! before its to late I'm not trying to scare you, just no that you will be called out by the cops or who ever...please go now and get help for all of you, you are co-dependent on her has she for you..PLEASE HELP HER..DONT LOOK THE OTHER WAY SHE WILL BE DEAD IN HER BED,,,PLEASE GO NOW AND CALL SOMEONE HOTLINE...
The Dr prescribing the meds needs to be told...ASAP.
Thank you Sisse and Jen. I agree with both of you. I'm trying my best to get my wife on board as quickly as possible. I know how hard it is for her, she is still in baby step mode, and I'm in it has to happen now mode which is putting a strain on us.
Maybe show her these posts. Her mother could EASILY die from the amount painkillers in her system with the alcohol mixed in. My husbands brother died this way....the mixture depresses the body and it just shuts down...they stop breathing.
Toxic mix....clever addict...you say she has MS...that's a hard deal to cope with...and a damn good excuse...but...ya...she's going to od sooner than later...might be time to set up the house rules...detox...counseling...follow through. ..
Good advice from posts. Con, I am obsessed with reading your journals. Extremely painful to read but so very much insight into the mind of an addict. I wish there was some capsule addicts could go into that would flush away every memory or whatever that gave the desire to take drugs or alcohol and make them new. Your posts help me with what I have been going through with my son. In our area, we see young people dying left and right from drugs. And yet it's amazing to me that one can still be alive after decades of abuse to their sysdtem.
Keep posting- I feel blessed to find this site in my desperation. I pray for you and all of us suffering the effects of addiction.
Keep posting- I feel blessed to find this site in my desperation. I pray for you and all of us suffering the effects of addiction.
It's a struggle balancing between as you say "clever addict", I'm frustrated or feeling compassion/ Sympathy because the lines are so blurred between the health issues and the drug/alcohol issues, and living in the same house. When you mix all this with her husband not having it anymore and none of the other family seeming to give a care other than one, my conclusion is that this has been going on for so long but we have just not fully understood it.
I've had relationships with many other people over the years that have had conditions, and even dying but I've never seen anything like this, constant chaos, projecting negativity, self pity, and helplessness. Its the toughest thing I've been through in my life and I'm no spring chicken. Geez I hate scrutinizing and God knows I'm not perfect. I feel like such an a**, but this is so difficult to deal with and I feel so stuck, not that she doesn't either though...
Although MS is what I know, I don't see any meds for MS that I've read about.
The therapist did say our angle would be that she has had a chance to manage her own healthcare and has abused that privilege by overtaking, and not being honest with us or the dr. and we have a right to step in even if she doesn't want to give us access to the dr. Therapist said under Hippa laws, Dr. don't seek out family but would probably appreciate the info even if they can't share info about there treatment plan or suspicions.
I've had relationships with many other people over the years that have had conditions, and even dying but I've never seen anything like this, constant chaos, projecting negativity, self pity, and helplessness. Its the toughest thing I've been through in my life and I'm no spring chicken. Geez I hate scrutinizing and God knows I'm not perfect. I feel like such an a**, but this is so difficult to deal with and I feel so stuck, not that she doesn't either though...
Although MS is what I know, I don't see any meds for MS that I've read about.
The therapist did say our angle would be that she has had a chance to manage her own healthcare and has abused that privilege by overtaking, and not being honest with us or the dr. and we have a right to step in even if she doesn't want to give us access to the dr. Therapist said under Hippa laws, Dr. don't seek out family but would probably appreciate the info even if they can't share info about there treatment plan or suspicions.
Amma, thank you and my thoughts are with you as you go through this with your son.
I know there is a lot of struggling in the world and that is why I decided to start posting. I've been helped by reading other stories and thought maybe someone has been through something similar. Also reaching out anonymously trying to not be a toxin to my own outside relationships, work, friends, etc... but I thought communicating with others that understand it would be beneficial.
I've commented before privately that I can't believe what she can handle and still function. I imagine that is from a long time building tolerance.
I know there is a lot of struggling in the world and that is why I decided to start posting. I've been helped by reading other stories and thought maybe someone has been through something similar. Also reaching out anonymously trying to not be a toxin to my own outside relationships, work, friends, etc... but I thought communicating with others that understand it would be beneficial.
I've commented before privately that I can't believe what she can handle and still function. I imagine that is from a long time building tolerance.
Exec, all of the advice here is good. the urgency comes form the fact that most of us lived with the problem for a long time. Trying to deal with our addict 'gently'. It does not work. As the therapist was stating, the choice should be either your wife hands out the medication or her mother goes to rehab and when she comes home, your wife hands out the medication and no alcohol. The second choice might be the only choice.
This is what we have had to tell our addicts. basically that they can not live with us. You can see how chaotic it all can get. It consumes all of your life.
The doctor should be told that he has over medicated and caused this problem.
From what I have heard on radio recently, fentanol is deadly.
People in your mother-in-law's situation die from the accidental overdose.
This is what we have had to tell our addicts. basically that they can not live with us. You can see how chaotic it all can get. It consumes all of your life.
The doctor should be told that he has over medicated and caused this problem.
From what I have heard on radio recently, fentanol is deadly.
People in your mother-in-law's situation die from the accidental overdose.
Sorry for the rant: I know that if I put this out there, that it will help someone out there someday either by knowing they are not alone or inspire action.
Friday-Sun
Things were working toward a simple family meeting this weekend as therapist suggested where my BIL was going to come over and we all could talk with MIL about the concerns we were having and the impact it is having on all of our lives as she doesn't seem to comprehend this.
Well, I came home Friday night to my wife having an extreme nervous breakdown, hysterically crying for hours. There has been crying/chaos almost daily in my home this entire year from both her (from the stress) and MIL about EVERYTHING but this was different. It was another rough day with MIL. My wife had called her father to talk, looking for some emotional support, ideas, and his selfishness and uncaring sent her into this breakdown.
Me seeing this amplified my anger toward both her parents for laying these kind of burdens on her. I called FIL, asked him to catch me up, that his daughter was having a breakdown and he immediately went into " I can't deal with this, I don't know what to tell you, if MIL comes back here, it is going to kill me". I screamed at him and hung up the phone.
This seemed to have led my wife to feel more sorry for her mother, and decided to protect her mother from any sort of conversation, called off her bother from coming over which of course I disagree with because things are absolutely out of control and avoidance is just going to prolong the misery for all of us, (Yes, I feel somewhat selfish in this) but want some sort of shot at a normal life at least one day and enough is enough.
Saturday, more crying, drama, I decided again (gentle approach) to introduce the concept of a family meeting this time with MIL present, keeping the focus only being on all of us getting on the same page with her healthcare and becoming active with the Dr's and helping her keep on her treatment plan. Well, MIL wasn't even willing to do that anyway, just more crying, all about her helplessness, this isn't fair, you don't understand, nothing we can do, poor me, etc...(keep in mind, this has been 9 months of the same) so I've had it and have compassion fatigue for sure. I reiterated that I understood, and that is why we should get together because wouldn't it be great if you had some help and more resources put toward getting you better and it would be helpful if we could talk with the doctors so that we can understand better. Still, I'm being patient with kind words. "I just don't see how that would help" Me biting my tonge, wife looking at me hoping I don't lose it..
I came to the conclusion that my boundaries were important with or without support so I spoke with MIL alone, calmly, rationally but didn't hold back on addressing the issues with the irresponsibility and expressed that while we have sympathy, things are out of control and we are trying to raise a family in the house and that it is time to come to grip with your problems, be honest with your doctors, follow the treatment plan, use this time in our home to get better, and not wallow, take drugs and alcohol and project your problems at us all the time and that if she is not capable of that, then we would have to find another living situation sooner than later. She stayed quite, I asked her if she understands where my boundaries are and she nodded.
I spoke with my wife, let her know that I'm at my limit, and if she was going to continue in this drama, that she would have to hold it in for a while because I can't hear about it hourly, daily, and that we had presented solutions/support which she and her mom declined.
Thoughts I had Monday at work: I'm not sure how long I'll be able to live in my home like this. I feel like I need to leave for a while just to be able to get my thoughts in order. I'm the only financial provider in the house and this has gotten to a point that it is affecting my work, I can't concentrate and I feel like I live at Looney tunes.
I came home from work and everyone seems to be on best behavior so far since Sunday . Let's hope this keeps up even for enough time to catch our breath. My wife seemed to have not had a rough day with her Mum.
I let my gut guide me and wrong or right, It was time for me to draw the line.
I read this below last week and it really helped me view things differently and with the guilt I was feeling.
"The answer to your dilemma is really quite easy if you look at it like this....Where you say, above, "The thought: what kind of person turns their back on their own mother?" ... Instead you should be asking yourself: what kind of a mother allows themselves to burden their child who is trying to do something good with her life to help out someone who "chose" to spiral out of control on drugs?? You are the child. She is the adult, and this isn't cancer, it is mental illness and it is treated in other ways other than abusing drugs. Your mom she knows this of course so let her help her self."
cis410 from online forum
Friday-Sun
Things were working toward a simple family meeting this weekend as therapist suggested where my BIL was going to come over and we all could talk with MIL about the concerns we were having and the impact it is having on all of our lives as she doesn't seem to comprehend this.
Well, I came home Friday night to my wife having an extreme nervous breakdown, hysterically crying for hours. There has been crying/chaos almost daily in my home this entire year from both her (from the stress) and MIL about EVERYTHING but this was different. It was another rough day with MIL. My wife had called her father to talk, looking for some emotional support, ideas, and his selfishness and uncaring sent her into this breakdown.
Me seeing this amplified my anger toward both her parents for laying these kind of burdens on her. I called FIL, asked him to catch me up, that his daughter was having a breakdown and he immediately went into " I can't deal with this, I don't know what to tell you, if MIL comes back here, it is going to kill me". I screamed at him and hung up the phone.
This seemed to have led my wife to feel more sorry for her mother, and decided to protect her mother from any sort of conversation, called off her bother from coming over which of course I disagree with because things are absolutely out of control and avoidance is just going to prolong the misery for all of us, (Yes, I feel somewhat selfish in this) but want some sort of shot at a normal life at least one day and enough is enough.
Saturday, more crying, drama, I decided again (gentle approach) to introduce the concept of a family meeting this time with MIL present, keeping the focus only being on all of us getting on the same page with her healthcare and becoming active with the Dr's and helping her keep on her treatment plan. Well, MIL wasn't even willing to do that anyway, just more crying, all about her helplessness, this isn't fair, you don't understand, nothing we can do, poor me, etc...(keep in mind, this has been 9 months of the same) so I've had it and have compassion fatigue for sure. I reiterated that I understood, and that is why we should get together because wouldn't it be great if you had some help and more resources put toward getting you better and it would be helpful if we could talk with the doctors so that we can understand better. Still, I'm being patient with kind words. "I just don't see how that would help" Me biting my tonge, wife looking at me hoping I don't lose it..
I came to the conclusion that my boundaries were important with or without support so I spoke with MIL alone, calmly, rationally but didn't hold back on addressing the issues with the irresponsibility and expressed that while we have sympathy, things are out of control and we are trying to raise a family in the house and that it is time to come to grip with your problems, be honest with your doctors, follow the treatment plan, use this time in our home to get better, and not wallow, take drugs and alcohol and project your problems at us all the time and that if she is not capable of that, then we would have to find another living situation sooner than later. She stayed quite, I asked her if she understands where my boundaries are and she nodded.
I spoke with my wife, let her know that I'm at my limit, and if she was going to continue in this drama, that she would have to hold it in for a while because I can't hear about it hourly, daily, and that we had presented solutions/support which she and her mom declined.
Thoughts I had Monday at work: I'm not sure how long I'll be able to live in my home like this. I feel like I need to leave for a while just to be able to get my thoughts in order. I'm the only financial provider in the house and this has gotten to a point that it is affecting my work, I can't concentrate and I feel like I live at Looney tunes.
I came home from work and everyone seems to be on best behavior so far since Sunday . Let's hope this keeps up even for enough time to catch our breath. My wife seemed to have not had a rough day with her Mum.
I let my gut guide me and wrong or right, It was time for me to draw the line.
I read this below last week and it really helped me view things differently and with the guilt I was feeling.
"The answer to your dilemma is really quite easy if you look at it like this....Where you say, above, "The thought: what kind of person turns their back on their own mother?" ... Instead you should be asking yourself: what kind of a mother allows themselves to burden their child who is trying to do something good with her life to help out someone who "chose" to spiral out of control on drugs?? You are the child. She is the adult, and this isn't cancer, it is mental illness and it is treated in other ways other than abusing drugs. Your mom she knows this of course so let her help her self."
cis410 from online forum
Well done!
Yes! Well Done! Continue it. Carve out some space for you and your wife. Set the Boundaries!
It is not fair for your FIL to push the whole burden on to his daughter. Now That's Selfish.
I think other families in this situation might get the mom into a nursing home.
It is not fair for your FIL to push the whole burden on to his daughter. Now That's Selfish.
I think other families in this situation might get the mom into a nursing home.
It's official, I've lost my mind. I think I'm going to join the circus.
If you find it...let me know..mine might have gotten lost somewhere where yours is....and if your joining the circus...hope your the main act...no fun being in someone else's
Lol Constantine, thanks, I needed that. I've found comfort knowing I'm not alone in this madness but I wish us all some peace someday.
You're definitely not alone, unfortunately.
My 2cents worth:
I don't blame the FIL, your wife needs to come to the same conclusion as him - if MIL doesn't get help sound like you could be risking your job, your marriage and family unit. Constatly fixing their lifes' far more selfish than letting go. Neither addiction nor codependency are a choice. Addiction triggers codependency that in turn fuels the addiction. Considering her other health issues a nursing home could be a good choice for all.
Nina
My 2cents worth:
I don't blame the FIL, your wife needs to come to the same conclusion as him - if MIL doesn't get help sound like you could be risking your job, your marriage and family unit. Constatly fixing their lifes' far more selfish than letting go. Neither addiction nor codependency are a choice. Addiction triggers codependency that in turn fuels the addiction. Considering her other health issues a nursing home could be a good choice for all.
Nina
we find peace when we detach and let them be responsible for their stuff. In your situation, your MIL has medical issues and the medications have gotten her into this.
1. Go to what ever doctors or medical establishment is appropriate and tell them she needs to be placed in a nursing home / rehabilitation situation (similar to people who have surgery and stay at physical rehab/nursing home until they are ok to go home)
2. When she is back home Insist a nurse come to visit her once a week to be sure she is taking meds correctly. be sure that MIL and FIL pays for her expenses
3. If nothing can be done, she needs to go to nursing home / assisted living. This is what non-addicts do when they or their family can not take care of them at home. why is your situation any different than that. The fact that MIL is out of control now, shows that it will not get better anyway. At some point she will still be too much to handle and need to go to nursing home situation.
4. Bang on the doors of the medical community until you find the answers.
5. Even when everyone's health is OK, It can be impossible to keep your elderly loved ones at home, no matter how much you wanted to. There's just too much personality.
Let us know how its going!
1. Go to what ever doctors or medical establishment is appropriate and tell them she needs to be placed in a nursing home / rehabilitation situation (similar to people who have surgery and stay at physical rehab/nursing home until they are ok to go home)
2. When she is back home Insist a nurse come to visit her once a week to be sure she is taking meds correctly. be sure that MIL and FIL pays for her expenses
3. If nothing can be done, she needs to go to nursing home / assisted living. This is what non-addicts do when they or their family can not take care of them at home. why is your situation any different than that. The fact that MIL is out of control now, shows that it will not get better anyway. At some point she will still be too much to handle and need to go to nursing home situation.
4. Bang on the doors of the medical community until you find the answers.
5. Even when everyone's health is OK, It can be impossible to keep your elderly loved ones at home, no matter how much you wanted to. There's just too much personality.
Let us know how its going!
Things went even more downhill over the last 7 days. She ran out of her fentanyl and overtook a bunch of other crap and went crazy in our house. I took the week off and laid the gauntlet down, basically get out, voluntarily or involuntarily. Called on other family said get ready because she can't stay here anymore, we are done. I'll baker act her or take her to the hospital myself if they don't get it done in the next few days. I'm at complete intolerance now. My wife said she would take care of it by the weekend. I'm blown away by how this can effect a family. It's time for this to leave my home.
