Those of you who are comfortable with sending prayers or just good wishes, I need your strength today. I visited my son in jail yesterday and he wore me down, I agreed to bond him out. I waited in the cold waiting room for 5 hours, and my credit card was rejected. Told him I'd come back and do it with cash today. In the meantime, my daughters and mom have pleaded with me not to do it. He is manipulative and doesn't seem to get why he's in jail. I rationalized my decision with the fact that he's not getting mental health or SA treatment in the holding facility and he could do that on the outside. But the bottom line is I keep getting pulled in to his emotional manipulation and doig things for him that he should be doing himself. I"m the only one who visits and accepts his phone calls. everyone else is done with him.
Bottom line, I've changed my mind on bonding him out for the second time since he was arrested three weeks ago, and for the second time I"m going to renege on a promise. Then I will tell him that I am not going to visit in person nor will I take his phone calls. I can't trust myself around him until I get healthier. The past three weeks have been the most excruciatingly painful of my life. Need prayers.
Hi Ellen, I would do the same as your doing. Don't go visit him or take his calls if they lead to you helping him. He got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out of it! Take time for yourself while he's in jail Ellen. Get yourself help from people who know how to help...like Narc-anon or Al-anon. There you'll be in amongst people like yourself who have went there for support too and you will learn how to deal with this nightmare. It's not easy, I know. But you'll get there, because we've all been where you are. Take care. Mary.
Ellen--
Yes --probably hardest thing we have ever done, but trust me I have done that same exact thing several times over the years!
It is sooo difficult because just like our addicts we are going through withdrawal too. We have to change patterns of behavior and habits we have been doing for a long time and if nothing changes then nothing changes! I felt like I was sick--physically and emotionally! I actually felt like I was in a withdrawal state for many days until I realized I was actually cleaning myself of the emotional burden I had placed on myself. It was then that I realized how I had been carrying around my son's problems and making them mine to fix when they were his to fix. That is why he never got better and I was going down the tubes with him.
Once I let go and let God --I saw a huge burden lifted off me and I was able to "breathe" again and find my life again and move forward! It was like He was saying to me "I got this--let Me handle it for you!"
In doing so I gained strength and I am now able to handle my son's phone texts and respond without enabling him anymore. I see a difference in my son's response to us already. He still tries in subtle ways to get money, but it doesn't work and his pleas or manipulating is much less. It just takes time, practice, determination, and support from this site and Naranon. KInd of like the same thing an addict withdrawing and getting clean goes through!
Hang in there and stay determined and strong! Eventually in time you will get your life back and just maybe your son!
Prayers and Hugs--Lori
Yes --probably hardest thing we have ever done, but trust me I have done that same exact thing several times over the years!
It is sooo difficult because just like our addicts we are going through withdrawal too. We have to change patterns of behavior and habits we have been doing for a long time and if nothing changes then nothing changes! I felt like I was sick--physically and emotionally! I actually felt like I was in a withdrawal state for many days until I realized I was actually cleaning myself of the emotional burden I had placed on myself. It was then that I realized how I had been carrying around my son's problems and making them mine to fix when they were his to fix. That is why he never got better and I was going down the tubes with him.
Once I let go and let God --I saw a huge burden lifted off me and I was able to "breathe" again and find my life again and move forward! It was like He was saying to me "I got this--let Me handle it for you!"
In doing so I gained strength and I am now able to handle my son's phone texts and respond without enabling him anymore. I see a difference in my son's response to us already. He still tries in subtle ways to get money, but it doesn't work and his pleas or manipulating is much less. It just takes time, practice, determination, and support from this site and Naranon. KInd of like the same thing an addict withdrawing and getting clean goes through!
Hang in there and stay determined and strong! Eventually in time you will get your life back and just maybe your son!
Prayers and Hugs--Lori
Thank you for your responses. I'm at work and just hyperventilating waiting for him to call me to ask what time I"m getting him today. I feel horrible messing with his emotions like this....but I've never been able to withstand his pleading. When he was younger and in mental hospitals every visit wa s a nonstop plea to get him out...but this time he's 24 and did something criminal.
I was angry at his father for playing headgames with him and his sisters when they were growing up. The worst was when he promised something and then didn't deliver. I promised my son not once, but twice, that I would bail him out. Gave him my word. Then others, with clearer heads, interceded and talked some sense into me. He will be rightfully furious with me and I just have to deal with it. It will be a short conversation today, then I will block further calls and not see him until the 28th when he goes back to court.
The idea of not speaking to him for the next couple of weeks give me a sense of relief.
Thank you for your support, I need it so badly today.
I was angry at his father for playing headgames with him and his sisters when they were growing up. The worst was when he promised something and then didn't deliver. I promised my son not once, but twice, that I would bail him out. Gave him my word. Then others, with clearer heads, interceded and talked some sense into me. He will be rightfully furious with me and I just have to deal with it. It will be a short conversation today, then I will block further calls and not see him until the 28th when he goes back to court.
The idea of not speaking to him for the next couple of weeks give me a sense of relief.
Thank you for your support, I need it so badly today.
Visiting our grown kids in jail is very hard and I cried outside after every visit with mine. It is hard to resist the begging. You feel so sorry for them but every time I got my son out of jail he would go right back to doing what he was doing before with no real remorse and never understanding that drugs were the cause of all his problems. Letting your son stay in jail awhile is hard but the alternative is getting him out and then being responsible for what he does. It does feel mean at the time, but I have discovered that sometimes we have to go against our urges to make things easy in order to do what is right in the long run. Unfortunately being a parent doesn't always include doing the kind thing or being always nice. It also involves doing the hard things and sometimes, when we are very emotionally invested, others see things more clearly than we do. I think it is wise to follow their advice sometimes.
Prayers going out...to remain strong...so he maybe can learn how to be strong too...asking God to help you both...if possible. .explain to him as gently as you can why your doing this...detach with love...he'll be angry...but he'll at least understand why you did it someday...
I have been getting so much support from this forum, and from my wonderful daughters and my mom and even my boss (I work for clergy, otherwise I would not share in the workplace). Thank God they pulled me back from the brink. I can write to my son, send him a package a month, and pray for him, and show up at his court dates.
Still waiting for his phone call. Breathing deep.
Still waiting for his phone call. Breathing deep.
Constantine, he will be angry, furious really, in the short term. But he can't afford to be too angry with me because I've always been there for him. Just, apparently, too much for his own good.
Perhaps it is time then to let him be as furious as possible. ..knowing you have chosen to not be there all the time for him anymore ...life looks different when the ball has been put firmly back into our own court....so to speak....
Hi again Ellen, Don't get in touch with him to see or hear his fury. When you get a chance just write a letter to him and explain why you changed your mind and let him know you refuse to take anymore of his abuse be it by phone or whatever. It's time your son learned which side his bread is buttered on and treat you with respect. Leave him in jail and get yourself feeling better. Stop feeling sorry for him and start thinking of yourself. He is in jail because he didn't follow lives rules and if this is how he will learn then so be it. Some people have to learn everything the hard way. Maybe this will straighten him up. Stranger things have happened. But I wouldn't go near him if he's going to be a bully. Take care. Mary.
ellen- I didnt finish reading all of the postings... but here is a thought that might help. 'us' enablers are in this situation bc our personality is one that is compassionate, sensitive to another being's suffering. we care more about their suffering than they do. the parents who are less compassionate are not in this boat, not on this blog. When I went to NarAnon a few years ago, it was so helpful... I looked around and thought to myself "what do people do who dont have NarAnon to help them thru this" answer to my own question - they kick the kids out and dont look back and they dont give'em a dollar. they want something, they work for it just like us...
we see too much good in them - our brains are wired to believe in them. believe their story, believe they will do better. you have to stop looking at him like that. you have a mom and daughters telling you to NOT bail him out - YOU have support - majority rules.....
you have to put the horse before the cart. make him do the work before the reward.
If you cant talk to him, dont pick up the phone. you dont have to give him a good reason why you are not bailing him out. he does not give you good reasons. maybe if he suffers long enough, he will feel the consequences.
we see too much good in them - our brains are wired to believe in them. believe their story, believe they will do better. you have to stop looking at him like that. you have a mom and daughters telling you to NOT bail him out - YOU have support - majority rules.....
you have to put the horse before the cart. make him do the work before the reward.
If you cant talk to him, dont pick up the phone. you dont have to give him a good reason why you are not bailing him out. he does not give you good reasons. maybe if he suffers long enough, he will feel the consequences.
Thank you all for your advice and support. I finally did get to speak to my son, as I was leaving work. As soon as the words were out of my mouth he started talking over me...angry and doing a hard sell...just give me one more chance...this is the last thing I'll ask you for (ha! how many times have I heard that one?) I spoke calmly as I could and told him I could not talk to him for a while so I would block his calls and not visit in person, but I would write frequently, send a package when he's eligible, and show up on his court days.
He still doesn't seem to get how serious this is. He's minimized his actions and is only focused on getting out of jail. I haven't heard a word of remorse. He could have killed someone with his car.
I still feel like a heel for caving yesterday and promising to bail him out. I'm hoping with some respite time to myself I can get some perspective. Right now I still feel so raw.
Thank you for helping me through this.
He still doesn't seem to get how serious this is. He's minimized his actions and is only focused on getting out of jail. I haven't heard a word of remorse. He could have killed someone with his car.
I still feel like a heel for caving yesterday and promising to bail him out. I'm hoping with some respite time to myself I can get some perspective. Right now I still feel so raw.
Thank you for helping me through this.
Recovery...whether from enabling or drugs...is a process...it takes time...and doesn't happen over night....keep at it...trust your doing fine...
Ellen,
I just wanted to give you my input too. First of all, you're allowed to change your mind. It's your money, your choice...and, you don't your son any explanations. You will get stronger, I have no doubt about that. The rest of us have been in similar situations and even now, we don't always make the right decisions. It's a process and it gets easier. Keep coming here and drawing support from everyone. Take care of yourself, you deserve it.
I just wanted to give you my input too. First of all, you're allowed to change your mind. It's your money, your choice...and, you don't your son any explanations. You will get stronger, I have no doubt about that. The rest of us have been in similar situations and even now, we don't always make the right decisions. It's a process and it gets easier. Keep coming here and drawing support from everyone. Take care of yourself, you deserve it.
Ellen..As in addict in recovery, I can tell you unequivocaly, that you did the right thing! He is in jail because he broke the law! This isn't the case of breaking curfew or not taking out the garbage. This is a grown-up offense with very grown-up consequences, and he has to learn that he is responsible for his current plight!
I know you feel guilt over changing your mind, especially because his father used to say one thing and then do another. This is a hallmark sign of the enabling process. You guys tell us "no, we won't help you." and then we wear you down and then you change your mind to help us "just this once." This pattern is why we continue to badger you with our requests for help, money, bail, food etc. We know from the past if we just bug you guys long enough, we will get what we want.
When you chose to stop enabling, you have to know deep down that it is for our own good..and yours! Every time you say no to our request to do what we should be doing for ourselves, it will get easier for you and the message will get reinforced for us. Your son will be mad because he isn't going to get what he wants and he will feel like a promise has been broken. A simple explaination that you had time to think about it and have decided it is not a healthy choice is the only explaination you owe him. Let him b****, moan etc. You do not need to keep apologizing for your decision. You made up your mind...end of story!
To avoid the this kind of situation in the future, I have a suggestion. If your son is asking you for something that you are not feeling good about saying yes to, tell him that you need (insert time 24 hours etc.) to think about it and then you will let him know of your decision. It will give you time to seek out some counsel and do some soul searching about what is right for you. Then you can let him know. Just because we want what we want NOW, does not mean you have to be forced to make an on-the-spot decision! You have the right to take your time, gather your strength and come to a decision at your own pace. You do not have to rush because we put ourselves into a messy spot!
I have another suggestion, coming from someone who has been in your son's shoes. You might want to rethink showing up for his court dates. Why should you have to take off work or reschedule your days because he broke the law? If he wants to behave in a reckless way, then he alone must face the consequences..without a mommy cheering section. It is time for him to put on his big boy pants and face the music. The more he does alone, the better. You can show your support when he makes better choices. I think he needs to face the music alone. When we are left alone to face the pile of s*it our lives have become, sometimes it smacks us into reality! I know for me, when I was left alone with my life in the toilet, with no one there but myself, that is when I finally reached for recovery.
I will send you all the good vibes I have! It is not easy to love an addict..that is for sure. Sometimes we get better inspite of ourselves. Recovery does happen. If you asked my family a bit over three years ago, they would tell you they were waiting for the call of my death. They had no hope left...and then recovery started. You can always hope for our recovery...you just can't do it for us!
I know you feel guilt over changing your mind, especially because his father used to say one thing and then do another. This is a hallmark sign of the enabling process. You guys tell us "no, we won't help you." and then we wear you down and then you change your mind to help us "just this once." This pattern is why we continue to badger you with our requests for help, money, bail, food etc. We know from the past if we just bug you guys long enough, we will get what we want.
When you chose to stop enabling, you have to know deep down that it is for our own good..and yours! Every time you say no to our request to do what we should be doing for ourselves, it will get easier for you and the message will get reinforced for us. Your son will be mad because he isn't going to get what he wants and he will feel like a promise has been broken. A simple explaination that you had time to think about it and have decided it is not a healthy choice is the only explaination you owe him. Let him b****, moan etc. You do not need to keep apologizing for your decision. You made up your mind...end of story!
To avoid the this kind of situation in the future, I have a suggestion. If your son is asking you for something that you are not feeling good about saying yes to, tell him that you need (insert time 24 hours etc.) to think about it and then you will let him know of your decision. It will give you time to seek out some counsel and do some soul searching about what is right for you. Then you can let him know. Just because we want what we want NOW, does not mean you have to be forced to make an on-the-spot decision! You have the right to take your time, gather your strength and come to a decision at your own pace. You do not have to rush because we put ourselves into a messy spot!
I have another suggestion, coming from someone who has been in your son's shoes. You might want to rethink showing up for his court dates. Why should you have to take off work or reschedule your days because he broke the law? If he wants to behave in a reckless way, then he alone must face the consequences..without a mommy cheering section. It is time for him to put on his big boy pants and face the music. The more he does alone, the better. You can show your support when he makes better choices. I think he needs to face the music alone. When we are left alone to face the pile of s*it our lives have become, sometimes it smacks us into reality! I know for me, when I was left alone with my life in the toilet, with no one there but myself, that is when I finally reached for recovery.
I will send you all the good vibes I have! It is not easy to love an addict..that is for sure. Sometimes we get better inspite of ourselves. Recovery does happen. If you asked my family a bit over three years ago, they would tell you they were waiting for the call of my death. They had no hope left...and then recovery started. You can always hope for our recovery...you just can't do it for us!
Lolleedee"s advice is ,once again, spot on! Carefully consider what she is saying because it is exactly my story with mt son and his and my addiction! His was to drugs and my addiction was to enabling him to continue his life of self destruction!
She is really giving you good advice!
Lori
She is really giving you good advice!
Lori
Ellen
Sending prayers your way. I know what your going through is so hard. I'm learning that showing our love by letting them fall is more love than not. Making these easy is just allowing them to get back up before they hit the floor. I say the Rosary every day for my son and it is helping. I'm snailing it but I'm trying so hard. I trust that God know and understands what we all have done and will keep us all safe. When we had our children it didn't come with a handbook sure wish it did. You hang in there. All the support here has make a tremendous effect on how I look at things. It's still not that easy but at least the things they help you with stay in your mind and in your heart. Here there is a family that we'll never meet but I Pray for all. Be strong loving mom it's for the better that he finically suffers the consequences of his actions. God be with you and your son.
Dee
Sending prayers your way. I know what your going through is so hard. I'm learning that showing our love by letting them fall is more love than not. Making these easy is just allowing them to get back up before they hit the floor. I say the Rosary every day for my son and it is helping. I'm snailing it but I'm trying so hard. I trust that God know and understands what we all have done and will keep us all safe. When we had our children it didn't come with a handbook sure wish it did. You hang in there. All the support here has make a tremendous effect on how I look at things. It's still not that easy but at least the things they help you with stay in your mind and in your heart. Here there is a family that we'll never meet but I Pray for all. Be strong loving mom it's for the better that he finically suffers the consequences of his actions. God be with you and your son.
Dee
