Hi everyone- need to hear you're experience if you please. My 27 yr old son has been without my enabling since Aug. Its baby steps with this new behavior, since I find that I really don't know how to relate to my son now that I've stopped enabling him. Its so very Sad to me...but on the flip side, I am in counseling & recovery so that I can learn new behaviors. Since Aug. He has been cut loose from my purse strings and aapron strings - after my denial came crashing down on me. Back in july,He was about to be homeless and without means , my anxiety kicked in , so I told him i would help for the last time and i put down the first and security for a place. 30 days later i got a message that he was going to be homeless again. A lot of things became crystal cleat for me at that moment.. Long story short, for a couple months, he was struggling big time and i was sticking to my boundaries without wavering - a first for me really. He could admit that alcohol was a possible problem but hasnt given it up yet. Recently, he hadn't contacted me in about three weeks until I got a message four days ago that his phone screen was messed up..???...okay...he said everything was going great, he had 2 jobs and was staying with a friend. He said I'll video chat today or tomorrow...5 days later...at 6am...I get a message..just woke up on the subway, I'll video with you later....what in the hell am I supposed to say to that?? Its a pattern..i guess i just need to grab on to your experience and stength and know i can do this thing detaching in love. thank you all.
sad and frightening. Keep reading our posts here. you will find each of us writing about frightful moments. keep praying that his angels keep him safe - or whatever your belief is - take a moment each day to send him good thoughts, good energy.
i dont know what's worse, to not hear from them or to hear the bad parts that confirm your worst thoughts.... it sounds like he is trying to respect your wishes..... that he is trying not to bother you and not to ask you for things.
the next thought I have is either to continue to ignore his situation, or find detox or rehab or half way house or sober living that he is able to go to on his own without your help or minimal help, and just keep telling him to go there..... they can help you.... go to meetings...... go to ....etc shelter, food pantry, social services. It makes you feel like you are doing something, but not enabling. your are giving him good advice. he needs to follow it.
some people would say scouting out where he can go is enabling, he should do it for himself...
I think it is giving him direction, at the moment he does not know he has a choice other than the subway. the key is for him to be able to go to something where he is responsible for himself and you do not have to pay for it.
I dont see anything wrong with educating yourself and your son as to what is available.
my son is 27 and the 2 rehabs did not cure him, but it planted the seeds.
i dont know what's worse, to not hear from them or to hear the bad parts that confirm your worst thoughts.... it sounds like he is trying to respect your wishes..... that he is trying not to bother you and not to ask you for things.
the next thought I have is either to continue to ignore his situation, or find detox or rehab or half way house or sober living that he is able to go to on his own without your help or minimal help, and just keep telling him to go there..... they can help you.... go to meetings...... go to ....etc shelter, food pantry, social services. It makes you feel like you are doing something, but not enabling. your are giving him good advice. he needs to follow it.
some people would say scouting out where he can go is enabling, he should do it for himself...
I think it is giving him direction, at the moment he does not know he has a choice other than the subway. the key is for him to be able to go to something where he is responsible for himself and you do not have to pay for it.
I dont see anything wrong with educating yourself and your son as to what is available.
my son is 27 and the 2 rehabs did not cure him, but it planted the seeds.
Thank you for responding NY. I believe you're right. I have given him the links to various social services. As far as I know he hasn't used them. I don't know why. I will keep reading the posts for reinforcements. Thanks again.
I too am having a difficult time detaching. I couldn't continually hear all the bad stuff so I had to cut off communication. I hoped to keep limited communication open but he found a way to share all his problems all the time. It just kept me constantly upset. My son generally contacts me because he knows I am easy. He does have other phone numbers in case of a real emergency so he is not totally cut off although his dad generally doesn't answer his calls. He could leave voicemail. It is usually some crisis that would cost us money or a trip to the hospital because he is freaking out. I used to rush to his side but I quit doing that.
I feel terrible! I haven't sent him any money in a week or two and he is unable to ask me to send any but today I feel like just sending some money because I know he needs it. I believe he needs it so the urge is there. He says he is staying sober but I don't know what to believe. He asked for money 2-3 times that last week before I cut off communication. I know it is hard to live without income so I feel bad. He started and lost a job because his ride fell through. Of course, that ends up being our fault because we didn't let him move in or buy him a car.
It is exhausting trying to help and emotionally draining. I stay upset with his living situation even though he brought it all on himself with his many bad choices. He had a chance to get an education but blew that. He had a chance to marry a great girl but blew that. It just goes on and on...
I have given him names of homeless shelters, halfway houses, sober living etc. but so far he has used none of them. He has difficulty getting to anywhere because there is no public transportation. Maybe they are too proud to get help or they are a bit spoiled by us. it is much easier to ask friends and family for help. Maybe things haven't gotten bad enough yet.
I am sorry that I have few encouraging words for you. It is not easy to let go but I wanted to let you know you are not alone in your struggle. It is almost we are addicted to helping them. I am doing better than I was but it seems like baby steps and then a giant leap of the cliff for me. I am hoping the parachute opens. lol
Good luck.
I feel terrible! I haven't sent him any money in a week or two and he is unable to ask me to send any but today I feel like just sending some money because I know he needs it. I believe he needs it so the urge is there. He says he is staying sober but I don't know what to believe. He asked for money 2-3 times that last week before I cut off communication. I know it is hard to live without income so I feel bad. He started and lost a job because his ride fell through. Of course, that ends up being our fault because we didn't let him move in or buy him a car.
It is exhausting trying to help and emotionally draining. I stay upset with his living situation even though he brought it all on himself with his many bad choices. He had a chance to get an education but blew that. He had a chance to marry a great girl but blew that. It just goes on and on...
I have given him names of homeless shelters, halfway houses, sober living etc. but so far he has used none of them. He has difficulty getting to anywhere because there is no public transportation. Maybe they are too proud to get help or they are a bit spoiled by us. it is much easier to ask friends and family for help. Maybe things haven't gotten bad enough yet.
I am sorry that I have few encouraging words for you. It is not easy to let go but I wanted to let you know you are not alone in your struggle. It is almost we are addicted to helping them. I am doing better than I was but it seems like baby steps and then a giant leap of the cliff for me. I am hoping the parachute opens. lol
Good luck.
Bug- you sound just like me.... my son the same. always in the grey area, not a train wreck , but not able to navigate day to day... always says he is clean, but must not be cause he only paid rent half the time. he makes it all sound so hard. has been working from March to Sept - but job dwindled down to nothing and lost rented room in October. no transportaion - does not live near us. says he could get better job, but cant get there. I just think a person could get there, if they tried hard enough... now he is with a relative for a few weeks. were all just taking a break. we know he will want to come back home, and I guess we are going to give it another shot. It's 50/50 - depending on if he can keep both feet out of the trash. problem is that he thinks he can do both.
In the past we got him into rehab when he was homeless for a week or so, and we stopped giving $$ and we just kept saying, when you've had enough call this number. he was covered under insurance 1st time and no insurance the 2nd time. we paid out of pocket for 3 months - it was high, but reasonable and less $ each month. by month 3 he was paying rent and we did not have to pay.
In the last few months my son was having difficulties. we kept saying go back to the halfway house where he had support. talk to the people there, ask for advice. he might have stopped in once. said the people he knew werent there anymore. with each problem we said go back there , talk to someone..... he didnt. my husband even called the hwh and the admin said "it's no problem, tell him to stop by" but son never stop by. either he thinks he should do things by himself, on his own, doesnt like to ask for help, or he was using and cant go in.
the sad part for my son is that he does not use that much, but any amount no matter how small seems to be enough to keep a person down...
In the past we got him into rehab when he was homeless for a week or so, and we stopped giving $$ and we just kept saying, when you've had enough call this number. he was covered under insurance 1st time and no insurance the 2nd time. we paid out of pocket for 3 months - it was high, but reasonable and less $ each month. by month 3 he was paying rent and we did not have to pay.
In the last few months my son was having difficulties. we kept saying go back to the halfway house where he had support. talk to the people there, ask for advice. he might have stopped in once. said the people he knew werent there anymore. with each problem we said go back there , talk to someone..... he didnt. my husband even called the hwh and the admin said "it's no problem, tell him to stop by" but son never stop by. either he thinks he should do things by himself, on his own, doesnt like to ask for help, or he was using and cant go in.
the sad part for my son is that he does not use that much, but any amount no matter how small seems to be enough to keep a person down...
I often wished I had a crystal ball so I could see if he is OK.
It is just puzzling because either we just can understand what is going on or they exaggerate what is going on.... Im sure at times it is as bad as they say, but not constantly that bad... ?
ya never know how much is the truth and how much they are leaving out, how much is exaggeration... which is why we need to detach.... we cant live in the trenches too.
but we dont want to give up when we feel one more effort might help. so we need to not enable w money, not enable with things that allow them to stay in their situation.
It is just puzzling because either we just can understand what is going on or they exaggerate what is going on.... Im sure at times it is as bad as they say, but not constantly that bad... ?
ya never know how much is the truth and how much they are leaving out, how much is exaggeration... which is why we need to detach.... we cant live in the trenches too.
but we dont want to give up when we feel one more effort might help. so we need to not enable w money, not enable with things that allow them to stay in their situation.
The only thing you don't give up is hope...the words one last time ...is also our mantra...and sometimes it's that one last time...which is the no return...for both of us...
I have tried to be supportive in ways other than money but it always comes back to money. I will say why don't you do so and so. The next thing I know he is telling me he needs help to get it done or needs me to do it for him. Things are so bad now because he made mistake after mistake. No way he was going to conform and be like successful people. He told me he likes his lifestyle. Well now I guess he has to live with it or change it. Let's see how well he likes it when he can't get money from me. I often wonder if his brain is scrambled from too many drugs or if he is just really lazy or too stoned to manage from day to day.
yes you are right. my son too. just wants to talk about something. and then its money. and another conversation he'd say he doesnt want our relationship to always be about money. or why do I (mom) always talk about money!!! LOL!!
I do also think they get a bit scrambled and cant get out of their own way. seeing life thru a different lens.
yes, reading your other posts - you have tried everything the rest of us have, and gotten to the same point. If he does not want recovery, and says he likes his life style, you are clear to step back.
take a look at your situation and how you want to be living a few years from now and work towards that. I have to keep reminding myself to focus on steering my own boat!
I do also think they get a bit scrambled and cant get out of their own way. seeing life thru a different lens.
yes, reading your other posts - you have tried everything the rest of us have, and gotten to the same point. If he does not want recovery, and says he likes his life style, you are clear to step back.
take a look at your situation and how you want to be living a few years from now and work towards that. I have to keep reminding myself to focus on steering my own boat!
I had to laugh..that is word for word what my son says to me. How can they be so alike. It is amazing to hear other people talk their life but it sounds like mine. Their children even say the same things in exactly the same words...how is that possible. It is too weird...
Bugs and con - thanks for responding with your experience. Bugs I can totally relate to what you said. I too, havent given my son a dime since aug and i would feel much less anxiety if i was to give him money cause I know he most likely needs it. But I know now that it would only ease my guilt and anxiety and disempower him. My worry, sadness and fear of what ifs are always there tho. Not acting on them is new behavior for me. i thank you for letting me know in not alone in this. con thanks for the direct comment. Puts it in perspective real fast. I'll keep reading the board.
I would like to thank everyone too. I've been reading these posts and can't believe how similar out situations are. My son is 30 and yes we have the same conversations about money! I also believe my sons brain is scrambled with the drugs. No one can surely have as many things go wrong as he does. I have had no contact for a month now and still worry constantly about him. I'm not sure I would want a crystal ball because I would hate to see how he is managing. My only consolation is that he has a girlfriend ( also a user) so he isn't on his own and he does have the address of another family member who can be contacted in an emergency. I am assuming no news is good news?
I read on a different message board. someone was clean many years and went back to DOC. said felt her thinking was at 40% compared to when she is clean.
my son has told me he feels like everything is going better, doing a better job, faster, getting things done, when taking the pain meds. yet in reality, he is 60% confused and slower.
(just sharing)
my son has told me he feels like everything is going better, doing a better job, faster, getting things done, when taking the pain meds. yet in reality, he is 60% confused and slower.
(just sharing)
