Need Some Support

Hi everyone,

I don't know what to say other than I have just been taken over by a dark cloud. My mood is so black this week that I can hardly concentrate on anything. Does any of you have periods like this? I think that the last 3 months has just worn me down and at times I just don't feel like I can make it. We only have a couple of weeks at the most for my wife to come home from rehab but I am so blue. The last revelation has just destroyed my self esteem and when I try to discuss the "affair" with my wife she says I am wallowing in self pity. I have known for a week and a half. Maybe its all the antidepresents and anxiety medication they have her on. She says she loves me and wants to repair our marriage but is still distant at times and has no patience with me . She used to be so caring and concerned before this. Is this something they all go through in rehab? Will she return to the woman I knew before drugs? I am just lost. Thanks for letting me share.
engr, yes, i've had those kinds of dark, cloudy days. can't really concentrate on much, then disinterested in many things. i think it's part of grieving. grieving a loss of what was.

to be frank, i doubt that you wife and your relationship will ever be like it was before. the need to escape through substance, coupled with the introspection that comes from rehab, and the revelation of secrets and hurts makes that impossible. everybody involved changes some after that kind of trauma. but other events in life can also cause those kinds of changes. somehow, we have to draw upon the inner and external resources to adjust -- and its a process that takes time.

short of a death in the family, you -- and your wife --- have been through one of the most stressful events that a couple can endure. gotta give it -- and ya'll -- time. and work.

there'll be a brighter day.
I've been where you are where my mood is so dark that I can't concentrate on anything at all. I'd rather stay in bed and not deal with life but somehow make myself get up and do what I have to do.
I know how hard it is to find out someone has been unfaithful. In my last relationship of ten years, I found out he was unfaithful, I doubled over when I found out and got sick. I cried for two days and was in shock and disbelief and it took a long time to get out of it. So I know how you feel.
From the research I've done on addictions, I found that addicts who are clean and sober are now living a different kind of life and its a new adjustment to make, they are used to living a life of being high . Now that they are clean and have gotten help, they have changed so its hard to say how things will be with her. Of course there will be changes, it will be hard for her as well. But in order for her to focus on her recovery, the affair can't be brought up a lot, thats where you need to get counseling to deal with what happened. Don't use blame or ask a lot of questions regarding what happened, let her have some time to adjust to her 'new' life of sobriety.
Good luck
Thanks Bob B. and Kiitycat,

Your responses help. Knowing that other people have experienced what I am going through and survived helps. Just spoke to my counselor over the phone and he said that what I am feeling is very normal. The fact that my wife is surrounded by a theraputic support group and I have no such system is the difference. Proably when she is realeased we will make more head way in our problems. I have not interest in harping over and over the transgression but I do know we must talk about the situation reach a point and then move on. I do want to see her succeed and stay in recovery. I love and she says she still loves me that should be enough to begin to heal our relationship. The one word of advice I can give all of you whose loved ones have yet to seek help. Be prepared for the rehab. The 90 day programs like we chose are the best but they are also the most difficult on the relationship. If I had been battling an open addiction like many of you have, it would have been a relief to see them go in. However, my wife's was a well kept secret and then 7 days later we had her in rehab. I can't tell you how difficult it has been to adjust to all of this and then the lies start coming to light. It has been an emotional rollercoaster for the last three months. My wife is a good person, she just did some bad things. I will never understand but I can forgive and move forward to try to build a new life with her. Thanks for the responses it helped more than you will ever know.
I'm glad we were able to help, believe me, I've been where you are except I made the mistake of harping on my ex the why's, what happened, etc about his affair and it made things worse. It took a long time to get over it but I did. I never forgot but I did move on and was back to normal again. He was very patient with me which helped. I hope things work out for you both...keep us posted and remember there are brighter days ahead!
engr, just thought it might help you to know that one of my staff, a lady in her forties -- a professional secretary who i worked with for 20 years --- became addicted to pills. towards the end, she was running into things with her car while trying to get home and would sleep at her desk during the day, poor heart. she was accessing pills from her doctor and over the internet -- apparently it's really easy. she had other things going on in her life at the time -- dealing with a teenage daughter. in my usual "enabler" fashion i delayed bringing the lack of work productivity to a head -- if i had, maybe she would have sought help earlier than she did -- i did her no good by being mr. nice guy.

she went into 90 day rehab (up in reytown if you know what i mean -- i remember one of your posts a long time ago suggesting a place -- my son went there also) is doing quite well -- it's been over 2 years. goes to aftercare and her meetings -- living a nice life now.

so, there's hope for a brighter day.

many say addiction is not an individual's problem or addiction, but a family disease. you'll have to discover for yourself whether that's true in your case. just try to stay open-minded -- even if it means you are vulnerable. she's probably going to want to focus some on spiritual growth -- in the AA or NA sense of the word. might help if you spent some time trying to better understand what that means to an addict.

regarding the unfaithfulness part, we have a couple that we have known for 30 years. he brought home a case of v.d. and transmitted it to her. she (his spouse) suffered the humiliation of needing hospital treatment - that's when she found out what it was. they had been married about 10 years at the time, and they've been married at least 15 years since. those issues can be worked through.

we're with you. and we're not sitting in judgment of anybody.

Thanks again ,

I am better now. The gloom comes and goes. I know I will get through this, I have faced many upheavals in my life and always came through but this is the first time I have truly sought God's will and want to come closer to him and feel the peace that only he can grant. Our lives in time will get better and we will recover from all of the damage that has occurred due to her drug use. I must learn to be patient and be supportive of her recovery. If she does not recover, then all is lost for us, anyway. God allowed this to come into our lives and I must believe that this is trial he has used to bring me closer to him. Bob B. I hope you are right that through this trial we can become a closer couple and find his will for our relationship and continue to raise and love our daughter together. This site is so helpful. Though I do not know any of you, I feel likedo know some of you. Bob B., God has surly brought you to this site to help myself and so many others. You have been a blessing in my life and given me encouragement and wisdom that I could not have found anywhere else. Thanks again to all of you that has taken the time to respond to me over the last few months. May God guide you on your path in life and bless you every day.
LAENGR, Bob. B, KittyKat

You have no idea how important this string was to me! I too have been in a complete funk this past week. I have so much to do at work - I have still got to organize my sons 4th b-day which is this up coming weekend - my house is a mess...but I am just not able to wrap my head around anything lately.

When I read these posts a light bulb went on in my head - Bob. B. as usual you said it. I think I entered that grieving period. I think that after all was said and done I think only now, maybe a bit over 1 year of starting to slowly realize what was going on, even after I moved out and knowing he is doing and continuing to do heroin - applying for jobs and turining them down etc. am I realizing the enormity of all this.

As I have mentioned before I was privilleged to be able to take this one step at a time - but now it is all coming together and I think I feel like I have just lost - thrown in the towel. It is over and kind of hopeless. The energy I had 10 days ago to start over and meet new people and feel lucky to be young and able to start over is gone. I think till this very minute I have deep down beleived that something was going to give and life would just go back to normal. My husband would throw himself at my feet and say he could not live without me -I would give in we would all move back into what once was our happy household and we would romanticly struggle back into our loving relationship.

The difference LAENGR is that I continue to watch my husband dig himself deeper and deeper into this black whole - he is relieved to not be with me and not have anyone to nag him or ask anything of him, and he has no intention of coming back. He just doesnt care about ANYTHING.

He told his Dad he felt a lump well up into his nose/forhead. His dad took him to the Dr. who said he had to have a CAT scan - he believes it maybe a Polip in his brain....at least that is what he told me. I asked him if had done the CAT scan, he said no. I flew off the handle - he did nt care....I dont think he is afraid to die...he just does nt care.

I think it maybe time for me to throw my arms up and get proffessional help. As I write this I am just becoming sadder and sadder.