It's been awhile since my last post. My 23 yr old son, a heroin addict, has been on a rollercoaster the past few months. We go for a period of using to 1 week clean and time inbetween getting shorter. He refuses to go for treatment, it's always "I can do this on my own." I think it's fear of failing. When he uses, his behavior escalates to anger, mostly directed towards his brother and myself. How do you get to the point of having a loved one leave your home and how do people approach the subject with the addict who is angry? I am at my whits end. When he uses, we all live in fear. When he withdrawls, he is his normal self and pleasant to be around. I don't know what to do anymore. So afraid if I kick him out, he will od and die without me finding out and I won't be able to physically see him on a daily basis. I'm really struggling with this. Any thoughts would be appreciated. This is a journey I don't wish on anyone.
Sounds backwards to me...usually they are calm when using and angry when in WDs. Are you sure you are not being played? We simply got to the point where it was clearly beyond our ability to 'help' her...she was going to do what she was going to do, that's why it's addiction and not control. It wasn't until we let her go and stopped trying to fix her that she got well on her own. We asked her to leave and you may have change the locks and lock up any valuables. You deserve peace and freedom from fear...your son's addiction is holding you hostage. He is an adult and it's okay to let him make his own choices, even if they are painful for you to watch and hurtful to him.
Sorry you find yourself here.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Sorry you find yourself here.
Peace ~ MomNMore
Thank you, I never looked at things as backwards, but good thought. He generally will use for 1-2 weeks, then attempt withdrawl but lately never makes it past 2-3 days. When he uses, his behavior changes, skin breaks out, stops eating and withdrawls from family. This may sound silly, but did you sit down and have a conversation about leaving, did you give a timeframe, or was it in the heat of an argument that you asked her to leave? I don't know why I struggle with this so much. We have already changed the locks, if he leaves, he needs to wait until someone gets home to let him in.
You are right, I am being held hostage, and it's not a good feeling. I would love nothing more to be able to go to sleep at night, not have him wandering around the house and be able to get a good night's sleep!
You are right, I am being held hostage, and it's not a good feeling. I would love nothing more to be able to go to sleep at night, not have him wandering around the house and be able to get a good night's sleep!
We had conversations ad nauseum...waaaay too many conversations without any actions backing them up. By that time she had told us she intended to use forever, it was the best she ever felt, and sometimes threatened me with leaving and not ever telling us where/how she was. She had lost her job, lost her friends (except for her using pals), ODed in our home, been to detox and rehab, and was spiraling downward fast. I was finding burnt spoons, empty packets, and syringes around the house...the situation was ridiculous in that we had come to tolerate intolerable behavior and had zero boundaries because we lived in fear that she would kill herself either accidentally by OD, or deliberately in desperation.
The night she left I had told her she could hand over whatever she was holding, start calling detoxes and find herself a bed, or she could leave. She said she'd stay, but when I told her she would be strip searched and started patting her down she flipped out because I found her drugs in her bra and she "needed" it to be able to go work without being dope sick. She stormed out calling me all kinds of names, I told her we love her but clearly had nothing but that to offer her anymore, we had already tried everything else. It was awful, but it was the beginning of the end.
That's not to say it will go well with your son, but he is an adult and you have NO control over his outcomes. Enabling him for one more minute out of fear will only allow him to keep right on doing what he has been doing. Nothing changes if nothing changes....keep doing what you've always done, keep getting what you've always gotten.
I know it's hard not to be terrified, but you're already terrified, how much worse can it be?
Peace ~ M&M
The night she left I had told her she could hand over whatever she was holding, start calling detoxes and find herself a bed, or she could leave. She said she'd stay, but when I told her she would be strip searched and started patting her down she flipped out because I found her drugs in her bra and she "needed" it to be able to go work without being dope sick. She stormed out calling me all kinds of names, I told her we love her but clearly had nothing but that to offer her anymore, we had already tried everything else. It was awful, but it was the beginning of the end.
That's not to say it will go well with your son, but he is an adult and you have NO control over his outcomes. Enabling him for one more minute out of fear will only allow him to keep right on doing what he has been doing. Nothing changes if nothing changes....keep doing what you've always done, keep getting what you've always gotten.
I know it's hard not to be terrified, but you're already terrified, how much worse can it be?
Peace ~ M&M
MnM: Thank you so much for your insight. You are exactly right, I am tolerating the intolerable in our home. I know things are escalating, and now I'm concerned the drug of choice may be changing. He admitted the other night to using crack, said he really didn't like it, but his behavior is all over the place, he now has bad lesions on his face, is gaunt looking and occasionally paranoid. I know what has to be done. This week we are going to have to testify against him for charges on drug paraphenelia. I'm hoping the judge will come down hard on him as he has never been down the legal road with his drug use.
I've heard many parents say kicking them out and completely stop the enabling is the only way to go. I appreciate your honesty, and thankful your daughter has turned her life around.
I've heard many parents say kicking them out and completely stop the enabling is the only way to go. I appreciate your honesty, and thankful your daughter has turned her life around.
That sounds A LOT like crystal methamphetamine and not as much like crack. Both can make them psychotic.
Yes I agree with what you say. No one deserves to go through this journey.
The issue is that he is getting violent.
We are all too familiar with the multiple personalities of the addict.
We feel sorry when they are nice and we hate them when they are violent.
We enter their games and become their puppets before we know it.
You say that you have another son.
You also have to think of his well being.
I was in a situation where I had to put up with a violent addict whom I am disgusted to call brother.
He is a Cocaine and Crack addict.
I am not saying that all addicts are the same. But he is one of the most disgusting people that I know.
We (my mom and I ) have not been able to take any actions against him and the very few times we had to call the police, he made us pay such high price.
A young police man told me that you only have 2 choices. You either have to leave or kick him out.
All I can say to you is that it will not get any better.
The stress that you experience when he gets violent will affect your physical and psychological well being.
It is so true that no one should tolerate the abuse.
They always say that we should not enable the addicts and they say that they must reach the bottom in order to decide to change.
Tough love.
Having a roof is a great comfort for most addicts and this is why they become parasites that you are not able to get rid of.
I wish you the best and I hope that you find the strength to kick your son out because when they are violent they can become dangerous.
The issue is that he is getting violent.
We are all too familiar with the multiple personalities of the addict.
We feel sorry when they are nice and we hate them when they are violent.
We enter their games and become their puppets before we know it.
You say that you have another son.
You also have to think of his well being.
I was in a situation where I had to put up with a violent addict whom I am disgusted to call brother.
He is a Cocaine and Crack addict.
I am not saying that all addicts are the same. But he is one of the most disgusting people that I know.
We (my mom and I ) have not been able to take any actions against him and the very few times we had to call the police, he made us pay such high price.
A young police man told me that you only have 2 choices. You either have to leave or kick him out.
All I can say to you is that it will not get any better.
The stress that you experience when he gets violent will affect your physical and psychological well being.
It is so true that no one should tolerate the abuse.
They always say that we should not enable the addicts and they say that they must reach the bottom in order to decide to change.
Tough love.
Having a roof is a great comfort for most addicts and this is why they become parasites that you are not able to get rid of.
I wish you the best and I hope that you find the strength to kick your son out because when they are violent they can become dangerous.
Dear tearful, You cannot permit your son to stay there.You are not giving him any reason to change you are providing him with food shelter a bed all the comforts of home.He is with his addiction and anger and mood swings making you a prisoner of his actions and addiction.He will steal lie cheat wring you out like a sponge until you are dry.It will take a toll on you mentally and physically. ..You live in fear he will overdose but you live in fear to his anger...He must be told he cannot stay there.You will not except his behavior and he is not productive to the home .When he changes he will be considered for re entry.You said he uses herion, herion Usually makes the addict nod out sleep alot they lose their appetite get a waxy look to their hair ...educate yourself it sounds like he is doing meth...You allow him to stay cause you feel he will overdose if he's on the street...honey...truth is he can overdose anywhere ....even in your home....He cannot stay there...maybe if he is told to leave eventually he will have reality give him a smack..He will realize his drug friends are just that and nothing more..they could care less about him.....show him the door...tell him if he wants to get better you will be there to cheer him on...but he is the one ultimately responsible for getting himself straight.He said he doesn't need rehab he can do it on his own...don't buy into that lie...He would've done it or made a serious effect to do it...don't buy into his words pay attention to his actions..He isn't ready to change...You begin to change ....show him the door...
