Need Support For Friend In Detox

This is my first post -- personally, I have little to no experience with drug use, especially heroin (some friends have had former cocaine addictions, or pot, alcohol abuse, whatever, but nothing like this). I need advice/support/help with something that's happened recently.

A very good friend of mine is a recovering heroin addict -- been clean for 11 years, until about two weeks ago. Well, not exactly true....he relapsed on Vicodin for a couple of weeks earlier this year, but got clean. Complicated story, but basically some personal issues in his life have been too much for him to handle (wife having an affair, divorce, remembering sexual abuse when he was a kid, etc.) and he turned to his old habit to help him cope with the difficulties. He's seeing a therapist, and I even drove him to therapy last night.

He called me last weekend, to spend some time together -- told me he'd used (not that he was still using) and a little about his history that he'd never told me before -- that he injects it, stuff like that -- but that he wants to get clean. Spent a few days staying with me -- because his place is an absolute wreck, the issues with his soon-to-be-ex-wife, etc. -- kept saying he needed to talk with me about what he wanted to do.

Well, yesterday he asked if I would help him detox at my apartment. Gradual, not cold turkey. He's got a supply of buproprion (I think that's what it's called), and a few other meds that are supposed to help him come off it a little easier than going cold. He's got friends who are doctors, and he's done this before so apparently he knows what he's doing -- so he says -- it's tempting for me to say, "Look how well that's turned out," but considering his whole world was shattered when he discovered his wife was cheating on him -- and continued to, even after they'd been in couples therapy for a few months -- it's maybe a little easier to understand why he'd be tempted. I'm just glad it's only been for a week or two, and not a few months.

At any rate, since I have no experience with this (I'm even having a hard time telling when he's high, obviously, which may seem ridiculous but he's probably very good at hiding it, right?), I just was looking for some support, words of advice, anything at all that someone could tell me that may help. I've got all his money, his bank card, his (expensive) watch, even had his car keys -- but an hour ago, he told me he wanted to meet up with his dad & talk briefly about things. I disagreed, said I wasn't comfortable with that -- I'd drive him to see his dad if that's what he wanted, but I didn't want him driving. He kept pushing the issue, so I told him if he wasn't back in an hour, I was locking the door and putting his things outside on the sidewalk.

Well, that was 1pm -- it's now ten minutes after 2. I spoke with him at 2pm, and he said he was on his way, had hit traffic getting back. I want to believe him, but after everything he's said I don't think I should trust him. Yesterday morning, before we had our talk about him getting clean, he left in the morning saying he'd be back in an hour or so, and didn't come back for five hours. Obviously, he'd been using. So we sat down & talked about him getting clean, that I would help him as long as he was completely 100% upfront & honest with me. I know he's normally very strong, but this drug is so deceptive -- that much I realize -- I don't want him to think he can't trust me, or that I'm against him, but I need two things. First, to take care of myself. Second, to feel comfortable helping him with this -- that he's not lying to me.

Am I crazy for wanting to help him?
Thanks for any & all words you can give me. I really adore this guy and want him to get better so badly. He has so much potential (although I hate that word) that I can see going absolutely nowhere if this continues. He seems to want to get better, he has many many reasons to kick this, including the fact that his wife is out having the time of her life, with this affair, and he's being self-destructive b/c he can't lash out at her.
Help, please.
Lisa
Lisa,

If you read some of my posts you'll understand that I am having the same problem only it's my boyfriend who has the addiction. We live together and the hard part for me is to determine if he is high or not. I know this may sound harsh but, you can't help him unless he really wants to receive the help.

Heroin is the devil in disguise and he steals the soul of what once was an persons good fortune. Did you ever hear the phrase " You can always tell when an addict is lying - their lips are moving". This is the honest to god truth that they lie about everything. I have been with my BF with 1 year but have known him for 10years. He has been addicted for about 14 years but trying to clean with methadone for about 6 years. He (as far as I know) was clean for 5 of those 6 years (not usingheroin-only methadone) and recently he had 2 slips that caused a lot of tension between not only him and I but my family and his. See, his brother is married to my sister and sometimes I feel it's a little too close for comfort if you know what I mean. He uses every excuse to make up for the fact that he used and I should feel sorry. He pities himself and pity is nothing but self destruction.

I wish I had more advice for you but all I can say is that if you have gut feelings that he is getting high then he probably is. They can not be honest when they're high and they don't care about whose feelings they hurt when they are. All I can say is support him from a distance if your not "involved" in his life (relationship other than friends) and understand that he can't be helped unless he really wants it. Vague advice but the truth. There is a post on here called Miss Heroin - please read the poem on there and understand a little more about the drug as this is priority if you really want to continue with supporting him.

Breaking up with someone is extremely difficult but the way he is dealing with it is only suppressing his fears and not examining them which by the way only ends up snowballing into feelings of despair and feeling suicidal (in a lot of cases) and I don't know which is worse. I know what he's going through is terrible I can't even imagine how he's feeling about himself but why for the sake of having a good feeling for a couple hours would you risk your sobriety?? You and I lisa will never understand how they can give up all they have for such a rotten, nasty drug.

I will pray for you and just know that by yours and his prayers and the belief he will overcome.

Confused
yeah dont tell him you see so much potential in him. people always told me that and i took it as well i guess that means now i am a disappoinment...

Also if he is using he is lying to you thats what we do when we use.
and we are good at it...

the threat you made about locking the door and putting his stuff out is good but only if you back it up
dont make the threat if you dont back it up he will think he can get away with it ...

also if his pupils are really really small he is high
nodding off.... things like that

it sounds like he has had a rough life but anyway you look at it it is an excuse just an excuse lots of people go through worse and stay sober
its a cop out and it will kill him if he keeps using that as an excuse

he needs counseling and you need to either keep talking on here or seek advice from a counselor yourself or some kind of support group
so you know what you are in for

it wont be pretty

good luck
i'm praying for you both

~Adam A
Hi Lisa,

If he used the day before and hadn't used at your place after that he would've probably 'needed' the drug by the time he left. Especially if he has used for the last few weeks as you mentioned. I mean he would've probably been starting to go through the withdrawals. I have a bf who is a heroin addict. It's really sad to realise that someone you love lies to you because of heroin. During the years my bf has tried to detox at my place several times but it has never worked. The only time its worked is if he's had medication (like your friend has) and we've been away somewhere where it's not as easy getting heroin. Is it hard to get into a detox where you live? That might be better for both of you. I'm glad he's got a nice and caring friend like you. I hope he won't spend all his money. My bf used to give me his bank card but then he got out the money inside the bank instead. Or he would try to make up a lie about why he needed some money.

Just remember that if he lies to you it has nothing to do with how much he loves you or cares for you. It is just the devilish drug talking. Good luck and keep us posted.

Hey girl,

Detox at your place is quite impossible and as much as your boyfriend tries to make it sounds, it's really not that simple. My boyfriend and i tried this process and trust me it doesn't work! No matter how hard we tried, he just couldn't hack the feeling of going cold turkey. I kept my eyes on him all the time and followed him everywhere around the house making sure that he didn't use behind my back but this fail mainly because it was so easy to get access to the gear in the area. After many attempts, i knew that this wasn't the way to do it, so his brother and i chucked him into rapid detox at a clinic. This was affective! After going through this process, he was clean but was in alot of agony because narcan had been pumped into his body to get rid of all the drugs in his system within hours, that's why they call it rapid detox. We then booked a motel to stay at where he recovered for roughly one week. Though it's very easy for him to fall back into that trap again, i can tell you that doing this process is much more affective. There docters and professial care takers who will assist you in monitoring them so they can be sure that he is safe. However it is cost affective and you may want to give it more thought if are interested or talk about it with a doctor. There are both pros and cons involved.
I want to thank all of you for your support, advice, and thoughts. Here's the latest (in case you're interested) -- I took him upstate for the weekend, to help get him away from everything. He had planned on titrating down, but on Friday night (late, basically Sat am), for many (some inexplicable) reasons, he got rid of everything (so he says) and decided to go cold turkey.

Saturday and today were rough -- luckily he had some prescriptions to help ease the pain -- but he seemed to get through it. I have to say, it's going to be awhile before I believe he really kicked it b/c I'm not sure anyone can kick this in less than 48 hours -- although if his habit wasn't too deep yet, maybe it's possible? I have no idea. Like I said, I have absolutely no experience with this drug (or many others, quite honestly), so I'm no judge, by any means.

He seemed to do well -- in pain, but well -- today. Last night was awful -- so much pain and antsy-ness -- part of me is wondering if he hadn't hidden some somewhere in the room, and done a little while we weren't together (although I don't know how it's possible since he'd knocked himself out with Klonopin the only time I left him alone? but it seems anything is possible with this drug). I guess he could have just been tiding himself over until we could get back and he could get another fix? Anything's possible. It hurts to say this, but if that's the decision he's made, there's nothing I can do for him. I did what I can, and I can't <b><i>make</i></b> him quit, no matter how much I care about him or what I see him doing to himself & his life. I just have to have faith that he wants this as much as he says he does. And if he doesn't, there's little to nothing I can do to help him.

He left to go back to his apartment -- which, honestly, I think was a bad idea, but I can't run his life, like I said -- so we'll see what happens now. I took the keys to my apartment back (had given them to him before I knew the whole story), so he's not coming back here if he's high. I care too much about him to let him destroy himself, no matter how painful it might be (would be) for me to turn my back on him unless he got help. If he's been using.....that says it all. The drug is more powerful than he is, and if he can't admit that, I can't do a damn thing. oh god....how hard is it for me to say that?

I've never in my whole life felt this helpless. Just spoke with him on the phone, and I'm wondering if he's actually gone back home like he told me, or if he's driven to his dealer to get a fix. He has access to money. Has his bank card. It's 100% possible that he's just brought me back to my place and <i>said</> he needed to go home & get his life back in order....but he's really getting high. Maybe he wasn't as serious as I thought? I told him we could grab dinner later -- my friend and I have a standing Sunday night "date" at the local Mexican restaurant -- and he said he wanted to play it by ear. Said another friend of his called & wants to get together tonight. I don't believe anything he tells me (how much does that hurt to say/write that?), so we'll see. The next time we talk or if I see him, I guess I'll know. Or I won't. ??

(sigh)

anyway, thank you all for your words of encouragement, support, and advice. he's got a couple of friends who have been through this (either in recovery themselves, or have known him through the difficult times years ago, or both), so we've been talking. that makes me feel better, to know he has so many wonderful friends that are supporting him. Maybe it will help. he's been talking about moving to CA and getting a "fresh start." My opinion is, the problems are still going to be there, no matter where you are geographically, but if it makes him feel better to think of that as a possibility, then good for him. He needs something to give him hope. If nothing else in his life will right now anyway. Especially b/c his (soon to be??) ex-wife is about the least supportive person I've ever heard of/known. Did I mention this whole relapse was triggered b/c she had an affair & told him she didn't know if she loved him anymore? much much more in depth than that -- too much to get into right now -- but basically she continued having the affair while they were in couples therapy, supposedly working on their relationship -- and just devastated him with her deception and cruelty. He actually caught them together, after she'd been claiming for months in therapy (do you believe this?) that it was over.

blah blah. there is no excuse for continuing to use. but it made it easier for me to understand why he'd be tempted again. I just hope he's serious this time. This is, honestly, the most painful thing I've ever seen in my life. When I saw him on Friday night, laying on the bathroom floor, with a half-used needle in one hand and the cell phone in the other, I felt sadness like I've never felt in my entire life. I went back in the room and just sobbed for probably 20 minutes. Never again do I want him to get to that point -- I care about him too much for that. He deserves better. I've avoided telling him how much "potential" I see in him (thanks for that advice) -- that's a hot-button word for me, too. It's something your parents & teachers say that always seems to backfire and make you feel worse. Like b/c it's "potential," it's automatically unrealized or unreachable -- if you're just a good person, that's alot easier to hear. For me, anyway.

Any other suggestions about how I can tell if he's been using? I've (hopefully) finally figured out the sleepy thing -- although he's also, in the past, combined the H with coke to counteract the effects I guess. And the pinpoint pupils, got that. Anything, anything, absolutely anything else would be great -- I'm doing as much research as I can, but there doesn't seem to be much info out on the web about how to "read" a high. Even the basics....

Thanks again for everything, you guys have been lifesavers. Just knowing I can post here and get support means the world to me.

Much love,
L
lisa,
it depends on how much he's using but when i used to get high i would be kind of hyperactive for a bit, racing around, acting positive about everything 'I'm gonna be fine, i really want to get clean,' etc, but in a way that seemed strange to people who knew me. also, if he smoke (cigarettes) you'll probably notice him smoking a lot more than usual. he might scratch himself too - opiates make you itchy - particularly around his face, neck and arms. i noticed my face looked different, too. dont know if it was just my imagination, but apart from pinned eyes, i always seemed kind of pale with splotches of red.
i don't want to make you paranoid about all this, cos when people go cold turkey they look pretty terrible for a few days anyway.
i think it's great that you're trying to help this guy - it's a big thing to put on somebody. try not to feel responsible if he goes off and uses again. there's only so much you can do -and as you said, you're not an expert on this kind of thing, and you can't be expected to be a policeman to him.
good luck with everything,
toni :-)
Lisa,

I've noticed that when my bf got high he would sweat uncontrollably and had cotton mouth ( dry ) . Also check for black and blues on the arms that look new and you can tell if he just shot up recently ( my experience anyway).

I will never forget the first time he used with me being around I found a burned spoon, a needle with actual needle broken off and a rubber band for exercising on the bathroom floor. My bf attempted to go to work that night driving with one eye open. He ended up driving down a one way street and asked someone for directions to where he was going. Thank god that lady told him that he was going the wrong way and I think she might have called the police. He was going to work and he forgot how to get there SAD HUH!!!

I was afraid for other people with him being on the road. Not only did he shoot up but he took about 5 - 7 xanax sticks (prescription drugs) and was falling asleep standing up. Scared the daylights out of me. This drug is not something that you want to get close to - we should be running but we care too much to leave them without our support. I should have left three times ago but he made me convinced that this is not what he wants in his life anymore so I'm trying to believe him but it's hard.

I always think about the bad things now instead of the things we were supposed to look forward to. We were talking about marriage and kids and then he used and messed it all up for both of us. I try hard not to make him feel guilty but I'm getting to the point now where I'm sick of hearing that it's his mothers fault for his mistakes. He has yet to realize that he did it to himself and no one else.

There are no words lisa except look out for yourself even if your his support system from afar at least he has you but let him know that you don't want to be around when he gets high and visa versa. Good luck and your in my prayers.

Confused