Hey al Its 5 in the freaking morning and Im about to loose my mind.Its been 8 weks since I got off 200mgs of morphine and went on 60 mgs of meth. I havent gotten high in 8 weeks! but every 3rd day or so lately my wife who has been doing very good in alanon ends up sying something like " why do you look different today, the insinuation being that I must be using, I end upracking my brain to ocome up with an answer ,usually I say because its true that Im definetly not well yet Im not sleeping lethargic and stressed that Im not as active as I was on the morphine. last night shedid it again and I said that Im not going to try to come up with excuses botom line if I look like shi- its because Im feeling like shi-. went on prozac a wekk ago and that tends to make one tired at first till it kicks in at amonth. I also try to explain that its no picnic for me to lay in bed half a day when I have work to do .After her remark at dinner I took a drive for an hour , called her to let her know Im alright and would be home in couple minutes. When I got home she wanted to check my pockets and I said forget it ( I know it would have been easier to just let her) but on principle I said no and left and drove around community for 30 min or so. I laid in bed all night trying to sleep but started to get pissed around 2am and just got up an hour ago going nuts and really pissed off .I do understand that its hard for her after 6 years of using to trust me, its understandable, but at this moment all I think about is the suffering I went through to get off the morphine and that either im still recovering from that or the meth is makeing me lethargic All ii can say for certain is I havent used in 2 months. and 60 mgs of meth doesnt get me high so in my book im good prety go- -amn well considering. laying in bed knowing I have stuff to do today I started getting very angry at her that now my whole day will be shot again because of her distrust, the dicotamy of which I can understand but at the momet I dont give a crap and need support from her. she had it ruff this last year with a misscarage and revelations about how her messed up childhood still effects her so I havent mentioned or asked if she was goingto get another nursing job because I know emotonally she needs thetime off. I dont feel she apreciates the fact that I make enough money that she can have that luxury when I cant, and feel she should just get off my case. Im going to have my dr take one of thoses blod test that can tell the difference in opiods that a drug store test cant tell just to keep her sane and prove Ive been teling the truth, even tho I feel its unnessasary. Sorry the post is so long but Id rather post and get it out to people who understand than to say --ck it and just go score. thanks for your support. Ray
Hey Ray,
I know where you're coming from. It takes a LONG time to earn back that trust, and sometimes I'm just not in the mood to defend myself. Or maybe sometimes I just don't want to be reminded how my past lying and/or sneaking continue to hurt and cause pain to those around me. But you did right by going for a drive, cooling off, restraint of pen and tongue and all that. Fear and distrust are part of the sickness too...I tend to gain patience when I view my wife as in recovery also. Peace, M.
I know where you're coming from. It takes a LONG time to earn back that trust, and sometimes I'm just not in the mood to defend myself. Or maybe sometimes I just don't want to be reminded how my past lying and/or sneaking continue to hurt and cause pain to those around me. But you did right by going for a drive, cooling off, restraint of pen and tongue and all that. Fear and distrust are part of the sickness too...I tend to gain patience when I view my wife as in recovery also. Peace, M.
Mate when I was giving up,I had been converting over 200mgs of morphine to heroin each day and injecting myself,I had this feeling of wanting everybody to know that I was giving up using,it was like it was the hardest thing Ive ever done and I felt so proud of myself for being able to do it and I felt like that everyone else should understand how hard it was to do and how proud of myself I was lol.
Im not sure if I explained that the way it actually felt.
The truth of it was,hardly anyone knew of the struggle I had been through and won,I think I was looking for pats on the shoulder telling me how good I was,because its such a big thing for us I think we expect others,especially people who are close to us,to just know how hard a struggle it is we are fighting,does your partner use drugs and has she ever had a problem,if not I would cut her some slack,by her checking on you and asking questions concerning your honesty,I think she is showing you that she cares for you and doesnt want you to relapse(again).
Hang in there.........
Im not sure if I explained that the way it actually felt.
The truth of it was,hardly anyone knew of the struggle I had been through and won,I think I was looking for pats on the shoulder telling me how good I was,because its such a big thing for us I think we expect others,especially people who are close to us,to just know how hard a struggle it is we are fighting,does your partner use drugs and has she ever had a problem,if not I would cut her some slack,by her checking on you and asking questions concerning your honesty,I think she is showing you that she cares for you and doesnt want you to relapse(again).
Hang in there.........
no my wife has never been addicted to anything appreciate your post , people keep them comming thanks so much i really need them Ray
Ramon-
Just remember, your wife loves you - or else she wouldnt even be with you right now. I'm an addict and just recently clean and even my oldest daughter sometimes looks at me funny - like she's trying to see if my pupils are constricted (not dilated) or something. It makes me angry, but then again, I know I've screwed up alot in the past and I know she loves me and only does it because she cares.
You did the right thing by coming to the board to vent. Try to have a good day. Dont let this keep you down.
Love,
Marie
Just remember, your wife loves you - or else she wouldnt even be with you right now. I'm an addict and just recently clean and even my oldest daughter sometimes looks at me funny - like she's trying to see if my pupils are constricted (not dilated) or something. It makes me angry, but then again, I know I've screwed up alot in the past and I know she loves me and only does it because she cares.
You did the right thing by coming to the board to vent. Try to have a good day. Dont let this keep you down.
Love,
Marie
good morning ray - oh gosh - a novella - didn't mean to get so wordy here but here goes.
it was kind of difficult for me to successfully "shuffle off to buffalo" when i didn't have my tap shoes on!
with that being said, there are a lot of "dances" in life that i find myself involved in. my old solution was to use. to blot myself out because i always found myself in the precarious situation of standing there with two left feet - not sure of myself or what foot to put in the right direction. it wasn't comfortable and good grief, i didn't want to be uncomfortable.
one of the best lessons i learned early on in recovery came from a book titled "the dance of anger". it is authored by dr. harriet lerner. something dr. lerner points out in this book is a premise that we all learned in the 5th or 6th grade science class. it has to do with one of the laws of science that sir isaac newton discovered - i believe it's the second law of motion. to paraphrase, it goes something like this:
with every change, it is met with a counterchange.
wow! knock my socks off! did this law just apply to things like matter, force, electrons, protons, and fig newtons (that happens to be one of my favorite lines from an old amos and andy reel - anybody here remember amos and andy?) OR could this apply to things as relationships - relationships between family member, friends, and society in general that i found myself in?
one of the first times i got clean, i remember my husband looking at me with a wary eye too. first off - the old goof had it in his mind that all i had to do was stop using and everything would be rosey. you just stop the drug and we will return to a life of oblivion and bliss. NOT.
here i was going to an outpatient group - going to meetings and all of sudden, like a bolt out of the blue, he was saying things like "whaddaya think i am, a babysitter?" or "are you going out with your new party friends again tonight?" or "what's so funny? i haven't seen you laugh so hard since you were high?"
huh?
did i miss something here?
a party? a babysitter for your own children? i'm not suppose to laugh while in a clean state of mind?
golly gee, wally - i was only trying to recover from the deadly disease of addiction but i didn't understand how to handle the situation, ray. (let me wallow in this self-pity and victimhood for a few 24 hours) i found myself standing there with two left feet - tripping and stumbling all over the place and pretty soon, my frustrations built into resentments. while carrying around those resentments i resorted to behavior that was comfortable. i quit going to meetings, quit going to IOP, quit my support system for the recovery from this disease. it was just a short matter of time that i picked up. how dare you or anyone put me in a state where i was uncomfortable! wheweeee - my resentments took me right out of here.
yet what i didn't understand back then - and it took me quite a few 24 hours to learn this, is that this disease of addiction...this disease does not discriminate. not only does the affect the one who is the user - it affects our family members, our friends, and all those who we come into contact with. our family members, bless their hearts, probably moreso than others. if you check out the big book you will see how profoundly this disease affects our family members - there's a entire freakin' chapter devoted to this.
anyhoot - to make a long story short - the science lesson in all of this was that as i was seeking ways to change the things i could about me, through my changes, it subtly nudged those closest to me to see the things within themselves that they needed to change. ouchy! (whaddya mean i need to change something? i am not the addict!) change/counterchange...(whaddaya mean you are going to another meeting tonight - leave us home here by ourselves? it didn't use to be like this) change/counterchange...(whaddaya mean taking a nap in the middle of the day? this is how you acted when you were using)...change/counterchange...(whaddaya mean you are not going to answer me? you are going to walk away until you give yourself time to respond in a loving way instead of anger? maybe i'll just goad you enough until you feel as uncomfortable about all of this as i do!) change/counterchange...the list goes ad infinitum, ray. i bet anyone here who has embraced recovery can site you any number of behaviors that we face with our loved ones when embracing change.
i will leave you this morning with something that was said to me by a very wise woman (sponsor) about my resentments and how to handle them. she said:
"sammy, the best way to avenge your resentments is to stay in recovery!"
wow - now how simple is that? there was a time when i found that i had to seek outside help ray. outside of the rooms of the 12 steps. the insight and tools i received while in counseling were immeasurable help to what i was learning in the rooms. and all of this took some work. like my husband's thoughts, there was a time when i thought - hey - you have put those pills down, everything must get better. it didn't get better until i started to go to the lengths that i needed to and change what i could that i began to feel my spirit awake. and when i allowed people who were close to me, address their own stuff and change what they could, i was blessed with realizing the spirit awakening in my loved ones.
these spiritual awakenings didn't come to me like a lightening bolt out of the sky. it took time and whole lot of work. and this happened with my family members too - it took time and wasn't always pretty. heck - my spirit is still awakening. it's a daily process. give yourself the gifts of patience and time, ray and the available resources that are out there to help you in your journey of your spirit. try some new steps - 12 i might add. *wink, wink* you might find your dance a little easier - a little softer - a little more comfortable as you glide across the floor.
and remember ray - change/counterchange - it's a law of science. it's going to happen whether you want it to or not.
and on that same note, also remember ray - if nothing changes, nothing changes.
what a great topic this is! thank you. if anyone hasn't told you they love you today, i do.
and hey - thanks for letting me share.
namaste'
sammy
it was kind of difficult for me to successfully "shuffle off to buffalo" when i didn't have my tap shoes on!
with that being said, there are a lot of "dances" in life that i find myself involved in. my old solution was to use. to blot myself out because i always found myself in the precarious situation of standing there with two left feet - not sure of myself or what foot to put in the right direction. it wasn't comfortable and good grief, i didn't want to be uncomfortable.
one of the best lessons i learned early on in recovery came from a book titled "the dance of anger". it is authored by dr. harriet lerner. something dr. lerner points out in this book is a premise that we all learned in the 5th or 6th grade science class. it has to do with one of the laws of science that sir isaac newton discovered - i believe it's the second law of motion. to paraphrase, it goes something like this:
with every change, it is met with a counterchange.
wow! knock my socks off! did this law just apply to things like matter, force, electrons, protons, and fig newtons (that happens to be one of my favorite lines from an old amos and andy reel - anybody here remember amos and andy?) OR could this apply to things as relationships - relationships between family member, friends, and society in general that i found myself in?
one of the first times i got clean, i remember my husband looking at me with a wary eye too. first off - the old goof had it in his mind that all i had to do was stop using and everything would be rosey. you just stop the drug and we will return to a life of oblivion and bliss. NOT.
here i was going to an outpatient group - going to meetings and all of sudden, like a bolt out of the blue, he was saying things like "whaddaya think i am, a babysitter?" or "are you going out with your new party friends again tonight?" or "what's so funny? i haven't seen you laugh so hard since you were high?"
huh?
did i miss something here?
a party? a babysitter for your own children? i'm not suppose to laugh while in a clean state of mind?
golly gee, wally - i was only trying to recover from the deadly disease of addiction but i didn't understand how to handle the situation, ray. (let me wallow in this self-pity and victimhood for a few 24 hours) i found myself standing there with two left feet - tripping and stumbling all over the place and pretty soon, my frustrations built into resentments. while carrying around those resentments i resorted to behavior that was comfortable. i quit going to meetings, quit going to IOP, quit my support system for the recovery from this disease. it was just a short matter of time that i picked up. how dare you or anyone put me in a state where i was uncomfortable! wheweeee - my resentments took me right out of here.
yet what i didn't understand back then - and it took me quite a few 24 hours to learn this, is that this disease of addiction...this disease does not discriminate. not only does the affect the one who is the user - it affects our family members, our friends, and all those who we come into contact with. our family members, bless their hearts, probably moreso than others. if you check out the big book you will see how profoundly this disease affects our family members - there's a entire freakin' chapter devoted to this.
anyhoot - to make a long story short - the science lesson in all of this was that as i was seeking ways to change the things i could about me, through my changes, it subtly nudged those closest to me to see the things within themselves that they needed to change. ouchy! (whaddya mean i need to change something? i am not the addict!) change/counterchange...(whaddaya mean you are going to another meeting tonight - leave us home here by ourselves? it didn't use to be like this) change/counterchange...(whaddaya mean taking a nap in the middle of the day? this is how you acted when you were using)...change/counterchange...(whaddaya mean you are not going to answer me? you are going to walk away until you give yourself time to respond in a loving way instead of anger? maybe i'll just goad you enough until you feel as uncomfortable about all of this as i do!) change/counterchange...the list goes ad infinitum, ray. i bet anyone here who has embraced recovery can site you any number of behaviors that we face with our loved ones when embracing change.
i will leave you this morning with something that was said to me by a very wise woman (sponsor) about my resentments and how to handle them. she said:
"sammy, the best way to avenge your resentments is to stay in recovery!"
wow - now how simple is that? there was a time when i found that i had to seek outside help ray. outside of the rooms of the 12 steps. the insight and tools i received while in counseling were immeasurable help to what i was learning in the rooms. and all of this took some work. like my husband's thoughts, there was a time when i thought - hey - you have put those pills down, everything must get better. it didn't get better until i started to go to the lengths that i needed to and change what i could that i began to feel my spirit awake. and when i allowed people who were close to me, address their own stuff and change what they could, i was blessed with realizing the spirit awakening in my loved ones.
these spiritual awakenings didn't come to me like a lightening bolt out of the sky. it took time and whole lot of work. and this happened with my family members too - it took time and wasn't always pretty. heck - my spirit is still awakening. it's a daily process. give yourself the gifts of patience and time, ray and the available resources that are out there to help you in your journey of your spirit. try some new steps - 12 i might add. *wink, wink* you might find your dance a little easier - a little softer - a little more comfortable as you glide across the floor.
and remember ray - change/counterchange - it's a law of science. it's going to happen whether you want it to or not.
and on that same note, also remember ray - if nothing changes, nothing changes.
what a great topic this is! thank you. if anyone hasn't told you they love you today, i do.
and hey - thanks for letting me share.
namaste'
sammy
Hi Ray,
I can relate to your post, I mean I know your wife did that only cause she loves you .. but and I'm talking about my self only .. when I see mom don't trust me and always checking where I am and what I'm doing ..ahhh it really frustrate me, I can understand her worries, but I also have the right to make choices in my life and take responsiblity of my mistakes..and you know what I do the same when I'm angry from any body I just leave to calm down then I go back with a smile.. we do need to be alone from time to time, and it help .
good luck
I can relate to your post, I mean I know your wife did that only cause she loves you .. but and I'm talking about my self only .. when I see mom don't trust me and always checking where I am and what I'm doing ..ahhh it really frustrate me, I can understand her worries, but I also have the right to make choices in my life and take responsiblity of my mistakes..and you know what I do the same when I'm angry from any body I just leave to calm down then I go back with a smile.. we do need to be alone from time to time, and it help .
good luck
