Ok this may not sound recovery but it is to me,
My son who has moved back in with us came home for a few to grab a sandwich, yes he does pay room and board, BUT this is where I will draw the line.....he says to me.....hey mom you need to buy some more bolonga ( sp) (he loves it with mustard and mayo on white bread) I looked at him and said I already have gone shopping as you can tell, and there are 3 other types of lunch meat in the fridge, besides before I went I checked and there was some..so if you want some go buy it yourself...he looked at me and said I give you $300 for room & board........then walked out the door.....so right now I am having a little anxity issue.......see its like he has to be a smartazz all the time.....make those little digs...I feel if I had some alcohal or a pill in the house I would take a shot right now to make my insides calm down....Darn it!! pisses me off to no end...
Then he came back in a few mins. later saw I was making muffins....and said yeah muffins, now thats what I want after he said he didn't care for the taste of my cookies I had just pulled out of oven..............
Sorry just need to vent, but also ask a ??.Am I wrong telling him to buy what he wants if he doesn't see it in the house, especially since I had just gone shopping yesterday. He can eat whats here, if he wants something different then he needs to buy it himself!!
Krazi/Traci
Traci
Our kids sure know what buttons to push, don't they? If he doesn't go get it himself, it looks like he will do without. He'll live. Let it go. If you feel like it, pick some up at the store next week when you go, if you don't, don't. Just don't let him push those buttons. And it is definitely a poor excuse to use over. Try a prayer instead or go for a walk. In the long run, how important is it?
Our kids sure know what buttons to push, don't they? If he doesn't go get it himself, it looks like he will do without. He'll live. Let it go. If you feel like it, pick some up at the store next week when you go, if you don't, don't. Just don't let him push those buttons. And it is definitely a poor excuse to use over. Try a prayer instead or go for a walk. In the long run, how important is it?
Traci...
If he wants it, he can get it himself....Room & board doesn't give him the right to tell you what to buy & when to do it...seriously, let it go, it's not a big deal and if he really wants it, he is a big boy and is more than capable of going to the store & buying it.....
Love ya.....
Stacey
If he wants it, he can get it himself....Room & board doesn't give him the right to tell you what to buy & when to do it...seriously, let it go, it's not a big deal and if he really wants it, he is a big boy and is more than capable of going to the store & buying it.....
Love ya.....
Stacey
I hear you both loud and clear............and yes he is a big boy...he can go buy it himself, we made it clear to him that if he wanted something thats was not in the house he can buy it himself...but yet he sure has a way off getting to me.
I know we have had our issues with Kyle ( 18) also, such as rehab and the drinking, BUT never has he treated me like his brother does with mouthy disrespect. I had told Zack one day , that I had divorced his dad for the very reason ( plus others) of what he is doing to me, hoping that would sink in, but nope....I know its a dumb excuse of wanting to use, thats the addict in me ( even though I was on pain pills for actual chronic pain ..I just want that pain he caused me this afternoon to go away, makes me angry that I let him rent that space in my head, besides if I told him I felt like using he would not let me out of his site..)
I really really hate to say it cuz I love him ..he is my first born...BUT he is one of my triggers....I need to so get beyond that...that is one reason Bri didn't want him coming back here, becuz of this BS he pulls on me, yet he doesn't do it to his dad...maybe since I am 5'5 and he is 6"2 280 pounds he feels he can push me around ..I don't know I just don't know.please give me strength to get thru this....gee my day was going so good..until he came home, now I am really in a bummed mood..
Going to go and shower and call a friend, maybe we can go to the mall..
Krazi/Traci
I know we have had our issues with Kyle ( 18) also, such as rehab and the drinking, BUT never has he treated me like his brother does with mouthy disrespect. I had told Zack one day , that I had divorced his dad for the very reason ( plus others) of what he is doing to me, hoping that would sink in, but nope....I know its a dumb excuse of wanting to use, thats the addict in me ( even though I was on pain pills for actual chronic pain ..I just want that pain he caused me this afternoon to go away, makes me angry that I let him rent that space in my head, besides if I told him I felt like using he would not let me out of his site..)
I really really hate to say it cuz I love him ..he is my first born...BUT he is one of my triggers....I need to so get beyond that...that is one reason Bri didn't want him coming back here, becuz of this BS he pulls on me, yet he doesn't do it to his dad...maybe since I am 5'5 and he is 6"2 280 pounds he feels he can push me around ..I don't know I just don't know.please give me strength to get thru this....gee my day was going so good..until he came home, now I am really in a bummed mood..
Going to go and shower and call a friend, maybe we can go to the mall..
Krazi/Traci
You are so in the right here!! At the end of every month give him a break down on his $300 a month room and board. He'll soon see that that money does not go too terribly far after you put some towards water, electric, room and board, phone and the other little things that he thinks are covered in his $300. As for the food issue.......if he wants it, he has to buy it himself!!! If he wants you to buy it then he needs to give you more money a month.
Plain and Simple-
Meghan
Plain and Simple-
Meghan
Traci-
You don't owe him anything. I know as a parent that's much easier said than done but, he's an adult now. If he doesn't like it then tell him to move out. He probably pulls his "bs" with you becasue he knows he can get away with it. You've got to show him otherwise.
You know why this bothers you so much? Because that's your son, your baby but, it's time that he knows who's house he's living in.
Meghan
You don't owe him anything. I know as a parent that's much easier said than done but, he's an adult now. If he doesn't like it then tell him to move out. He probably pulls his "bs" with you becasue he knows he can get away with it. You've got to show him otherwise.
You know why this bothers you so much? Because that's your son, your baby but, it's time that he knows who's house he's living in.
Meghan
I always tell my son to put it on the grocery list, if he doesn't make a request and write it down then he has to go buy it himself. We live too far out of town to be running back and forth all the time.
So maybe if you tell him to make a written request WHEN you are going shopping you can save a lot of grief.
So maybe if you tell him to make a written request WHEN you are going shopping you can save a lot of grief.
| QUOTE |
| I really really hate to say it cuz I love him ..he is my first born...BUT he is one of my triggers....I need to so get beyond that... |
Thank you for being so open and honest...My oldest is also one of my big triggers and I have learned how to love him, and not his actions or words and once I could do that, I was freed from that trigger...it isn't easy but it is doable...
You amaze me Traci and someday soon, we need to hook up and have coffee...When I decide to go down to San Leandro for the day, I'll let you know so maybe we could meet for lunch or coffee....
Take your day back and take care of you and enjoy yourself.....
xoxo
Stacey
Gee I just posted to Janet and mommy on the MJ thread.....oops.........such a blonde thing..
Stacey,
I am in Rohnert Park, north of you, but would love to meet for coffee..
How do you get beyond that as a trigger when it is our kids and they live with you....I was doing so well when he was at his dad's, relaxed, laughed more and more and more.was just happy.......now I feel like I am walking on egg shells again....
BTW: I hope I didn't offend anyone by saying he is one of my triggers, but I am glad to know I am not the only mom who has felt like that. I feel so guilty for saying it..
Krazi/Traci
Stacey,
I am in Rohnert Park, north of you, but would love to meet for coffee..
How do you get beyond that as a trigger when it is our kids and they live with you....I was doing so well when he was at his dad's, relaxed, laughed more and more and more.was just happy.......now I feel like I am walking on egg shells again....
BTW: I hope I didn't offend anyone by saying he is one of my triggers, but I am glad to know I am not the only mom who has felt like that. I feel so guilty for saying it..
Krazi/Traci
Please don't feel guilty for saying that Traci...kids are hard and especially when they get up to the ages of our boys....
Being honest keeps us healthy and in recovery....keeping secrets keeps me sick so today, I am honest and don't let judgement of others keep me sick...
I tell my son that I love him but his choices and they are all his, his actions and reactions to things, I do not agree with and I will no longer enable him.....It isn't easy, but I pray to God to help me love my child and to let go of any resentments I may have with him from his actions.....I also have boundries and you could write your son a letter, sit down with him and explain where the line is and stick to it....that is the key, doing what we say we are going to do....And, it is okay for him to go live somewhere else if he cannot respect you or your boundries, he's a big boy now.....bottom line for me, I had to let go and just accept Steven for who he is, not what I want him to be and it is a daily process just like my addiction recovery.....
xoxo
Being honest keeps us healthy and in recovery....keeping secrets keeps me sick so today, I am honest and don't let judgement of others keep me sick...
I tell my son that I love him but his choices and they are all his, his actions and reactions to things, I do not agree with and I will no longer enable him.....It isn't easy, but I pray to God to help me love my child and to let go of any resentments I may have with him from his actions.....I also have boundries and you could write your son a letter, sit down with him and explain where the line is and stick to it....that is the key, doing what we say we are going to do....And, it is okay for him to go live somewhere else if he cannot respect you or your boundries, he's a big boy now.....bottom line for me, I had to let go and just accept Steven for who he is, not what I want him to be and it is a daily process just like my addiction recovery.....
xoxo
Traci
Is there a reason he isn't on his own? I noticed you said he lived with his dad and is now with you. Isn't he over 18?
Is there a reason he isn't on his own? I noticed you said he lived with his dad and is now with you. Isn't he over 18?
Stac,
You just gave me chills along w/ tears by your saying
"had to let go and just accept Steven for who he is, not what I want him to be and it is a daily process just like my addiction recovery."....
This is all part of my co-dependacy I have been trying to work on......he will never be what I want him to be, gee if that were the case life would be to easy. I look at him and see his dad all the time, they may not be the same size, as Zack is taller and bigger then the whole gang, BUT they act and talk the same...the only difference is I was able to divorce his dad, I can't him. Never would I have talked to my parents the way he talks to me, and the thing is, they didn't talk back or throw fights growing up, actually they were pretty darn good, it just got this way the older he gets.,...
I am bummed my friend has not called me back to go to the mall, so I guess I will just putter around the house and visit on here. I guess I should really go back to work, all my other friends work.......but I don't wanna.LOL well I do but I don't I may start this week w/ my little lady who has lung cancer, I saw her friday and she told me she is getting tired, so hopefully this week she'll say she wants me...I am not one to go and do things by myself, I keep wanting to go to church but then again anxity sets in and I don't go...one of my other problems I need to work thru..funny how when I was on the meds I did things all the time, but didn't remember doing half of them...geez sometimes life just sux..
I am working thru my anger w/ zack right now, the shower helped and Klye helped by calling to see what I wanted for xmas...I told him I will meet him for lunch Tuesday...
Thanks for the input you all.....I think we have kids just to keep us a little off our rocker......LOL
Krazi/Traci
You just gave me chills along w/ tears by your saying
"had to let go and just accept Steven for who he is, not what I want him to be and it is a daily process just like my addiction recovery."....
This is all part of my co-dependacy I have been trying to work on......he will never be what I want him to be, gee if that were the case life would be to easy. I look at him and see his dad all the time, they may not be the same size, as Zack is taller and bigger then the whole gang, BUT they act and talk the same...the only difference is I was able to divorce his dad, I can't him. Never would I have talked to my parents the way he talks to me, and the thing is, they didn't talk back or throw fights growing up, actually they were pretty darn good, it just got this way the older he gets.,...
I am bummed my friend has not called me back to go to the mall, so I guess I will just putter around the house and visit on here. I guess I should really go back to work, all my other friends work.......but I don't wanna.LOL well I do but I don't I may start this week w/ my little lady who has lung cancer, I saw her friday and she told me she is getting tired, so hopefully this week she'll say she wants me...I am not one to go and do things by myself, I keep wanting to go to church but then again anxity sets in and I don't go...one of my other problems I need to work thru..funny how when I was on the meds I did things all the time, but didn't remember doing half of them...geez sometimes life just sux..
I am working thru my anger w/ zack right now, the shower helped and Klye helped by calling to see what I wanted for xmas...I told him I will meet him for lunch Tuesday...
Thanks for the input you all.....I think we have kids just to keep us a little off our rocker......LOL
Krazi/Traci
Kat, He had moved to Washington, but came back in January of last year or Feb...I don't remember,( he lost his job due to his anger issues) and at that time my younger one had lived with us, Well my ex told Zack he was not allowed to move back in with them, that there was no room...even though his room was still not being used. So I had told him he could come and live with us until he got on his feet, he did overnight caregiving for the same guy I was working for until he got put in a home, and since then up till a month ago he didn't have a job, so no money, which means he can't afford a place of his own...Now he has a job working for the sheet metal union and trying to save his money to be out in 6 months or sooner, he and his brother want to get a place together, but the cheapest place where we live is $1100.00 for a 2 bedroom.
About August I had lost it with both of the boys.......neither was working or helping aorund the house, just wanting to do as they pleased...I emailed my ex and said you have no chose but to have one live with you..so guess who he picked?? Kyle....knowing darn well he is so easy going...which means Kyle got disrupted and moved to another town, not far from here.but still his room and his friends were no longer right there. My heart broke a few weeks ago when he said he wished he still had a room at our house.( Zack totally took everything over)..my hands are tied..what can I do.I can't kick my sons out...but I am getting really close. We did boot him out a few months ago to his dads so I could try and help myself get better, but their dad called and said it was not working and Zack had to come back over here....so thats where we are at now...
My ex is such an azz!!!! Part of Zacks problem is he feels Kyle is spoiled, and that he was not wanted at his dads anymore...he would cry and get really angry over the whole issue of his dad saying that he could not move back to his house when he returned from Washington...I really don't want to see him hurt again like that by me saying OUT!!! don't come back...Kat it is a really hard spot.I feel I am in the middle.
Krazi/Traci
About August I had lost it with both of the boys.......neither was working or helping aorund the house, just wanting to do as they pleased...I emailed my ex and said you have no chose but to have one live with you..so guess who he picked?? Kyle....knowing darn well he is so easy going...which means Kyle got disrupted and moved to another town, not far from here.but still his room and his friends were no longer right there. My heart broke a few weeks ago when he said he wished he still had a room at our house.( Zack totally took everything over)..my hands are tied..what can I do.I can't kick my sons out...but I am getting really close. We did boot him out a few months ago to his dads so I could try and help myself get better, but their dad called and said it was not working and Zack had to come back over here....so thats where we are at now...
My ex is such an azz!!!! Part of Zacks problem is he feels Kyle is spoiled, and that he was not wanted at his dads anymore...he would cry and get really angry over the whole issue of his dad saying that he could not move back to his house when he returned from Washington...I really don't want to see him hurt again like that by me saying OUT!!! don't come back...Kat it is a really hard spot.I feel I am in the middle.
Krazi/Traci
But, Traci, if they both have full time jobs $1100 a month is only $550 each which is completely doable. If he stresses you to the point where you say if you had a pill or booze in the house you would use, you need to do something. Maybe it's time you looked at you and why they stress you so much. You are letting them have too much power over you, hon. There are solutions. Like Janet said if it isn't on the grocery list she doesn't get it. Set down some rules. If he doesn't follow the rules, show him the door. Set boundaries for him. There is nothing wrong with that. Don't let him walk all over you. Did you say how old he is? I couldn't find it.
I'll tell ya, when I was a teen I couldn't wait to be 18 to move out but my son wanted to hang around forever it seemed like. I couldn't understand it. I still can't. He didn't move out till he was something like 23 but by then I had moved out. I don't know if they are waiting to live in a palace with a huge bank account or what but all I wanted was my freedom. Maybe it's a female thing. Ya think?
I'll tell ya, when I was a teen I couldn't wait to be 18 to move out but my son wanted to hang around forever it seemed like. I couldn't understand it. I still can't. He didn't move out till he was something like 23 but by then I had moved out. I don't know if they are waiting to live in a palace with a huge bank account or what but all I wanted was my freedom. Maybe it's a female thing. Ya think?
Traci- It's hard. part of the problem is they are so used to having it fairly easy. Ya, part time jobs/school..all of a sudden, it's a job and paying rent/utilities/car etc. My two oldest were thinking of getting an apartment. They actually asked me how much they cost and when I told them, they got all quiet and stuff. They simply didn't realize. In fact, I think they were shocked. Then again, they mother has raised them in a pretty protective environment. I was out on my own pretty early so I received a quick education and to be honest, my kids grew up in a way better finacial situation that I did. I really don't think they could do it on there own right now and since they live with their mother, not a lot i can do,
As far as the bolonga is concerned, I wouldn't let it stress you. In the general scheme of things, it's pretty minor. I would like Janet tell him "maybe next month"
As far as the bolonga is concerned, I wouldn't let it stress you. In the general scheme of things, it's pretty minor. I would like Janet tell him "maybe next month"
Ok to reply to you both,
Yes it is easier said then done, and I agree withyou Kat, I was out of my folks house at a young age, but my ex was with his folks till he was 24. It may be a female thing, due to the mothers taking care of their boys and them realizing they are going to have to do all on their own. I have done everything for my boys when they are with me, until the last 5 months, they now have to do their own laundry, and if they are not ( well when Kyle pops over) here for dinner, then they are on their own, I hate to make enough for 4 when there is only 2 of us eating..
As for them being on their own w/ rent being $1100, Zack has been at his new job for a month, and Kyle just started Monday w/ UPS...so it will take some time to save up that way they have a cushion to fall back on. Believe me, I am looking forward to them having their own place, that way I can take them goodies and help them fix their place up...I know they will want that. ya know the mom touch..LOL But they need to start w/ baby steps.....they feel security being home, which is understandable...it can be scary out there even for us ol' folks when you think how much it costs to live just to survive..home, car, and all that comes along..bills bills...I hope oyur not thinking I am making excuses for them...and this maysound funny..but I don't feel complete until I know they are both home wether it be here or at their dads...kinda sad, and it is something I am working on, when they were both gone I really went thru some emotional stuff...like an empty nest thingy..all I can do for me to help them is take one step at a time..which I am. As far as why Zack pushes my buttons, is that he is his fathers son, and I can't stand his dad...so his actions urk me to know end..I am trying Kat really hard to do better about it and I am, it just won't get better over night...I am not a tough love kind of person...and its becuz how I was raised...I hated my folks, I don't want that with my kids..
Do you have kids yourself? I ask that becuz until you been there its hard to understand..but I am working on it..I really really am
Krazi/Traci
Yes it is easier said then done, and I agree withyou Kat, I was out of my folks house at a young age, but my ex was with his folks till he was 24. It may be a female thing, due to the mothers taking care of their boys and them realizing they are going to have to do all on their own. I have done everything for my boys when they are with me, until the last 5 months, they now have to do their own laundry, and if they are not ( well when Kyle pops over) here for dinner, then they are on their own, I hate to make enough for 4 when there is only 2 of us eating..
As for them being on their own w/ rent being $1100, Zack has been at his new job for a month, and Kyle just started Monday w/ UPS...so it will take some time to save up that way they have a cushion to fall back on. Believe me, I am looking forward to them having their own place, that way I can take them goodies and help them fix their place up...I know they will want that. ya know the mom touch..LOL But they need to start w/ baby steps.....they feel security being home, which is understandable...it can be scary out there even for us ol' folks when you think how much it costs to live just to survive..home, car, and all that comes along..bills bills...I hope oyur not thinking I am making excuses for them...and this maysound funny..but I don't feel complete until I know they are both home wether it be here or at their dads...kinda sad, and it is something I am working on, when they were both gone I really went thru some emotional stuff...like an empty nest thingy..all I can do for me to help them is take one step at a time..which I am. As far as why Zack pushes my buttons, is that he is his fathers son, and I can't stand his dad...so his actions urk me to know end..I am trying Kat really hard to do better about it and I am, it just won't get better over night...I am not a tough love kind of person...and its becuz how I was raised...I hated my folks, I don't want that with my kids..
Do you have kids yourself? I ask that becuz until you been there its hard to understand..but I am working on it..I really really am
Krazi/Traci
Hi Traci
Yeah I have a son but I was high during his upper teens and twenties. I was the problem then, not him. I know its easier said than done, Trac. It's very easy for me to sit on this side of the computer and hand out advice. I was worried about you saying if you had a shot in front of you you'd drink it. I think that's what you said. That is dangerous. I can't hear your voice to tell if you are joking or serious. Look at the bright side, though. If they both just got jobs and both are saving, they'll be on their own in no time. And you can Mom them from a distance. Hang in there. Try not to kill them. <G>
Yeah I have a son but I was high during his upper teens and twenties. I was the problem then, not him. I know its easier said than done, Trac. It's very easy for me to sit on this side of the computer and hand out advice. I was worried about you saying if you had a shot in front of you you'd drink it. I think that's what you said. That is dangerous. I can't hear your voice to tell if you are joking or serious. Look at the bright side, though. If they both just got jobs and both are saving, they'll be on their own in no time. And you can Mom them from a distance. Hang in there. Try not to kill them. <G>
LOL...yeah at a distance....your so right,
and yes I was serious when I said had I had one I would have taken a shot.....like I said he is a big trigger for me, I am really working on it though, I have made baby steps over the last few months....
I am trying to turn and walk away when he does something to piss me off, he just really caught me off gaurd yesterday, that being I had a talk w/ him before he came back that we would not tolerate his crap..he had been doing better, but I feel w./ Bri not being here, he had me all to himself and blam.out of his mouth the smartazz comments. Now if Bri were here, that would not have happened....
I really am working on it...its not easy............if I were strung out it would not bother me..( I was pretty much stoned most of their life, then I got on methadone for my back and nothing bothered me)......but I have a clear head now and it does...so I am have to relearn myself....
Krazi/Traci
and yes I was serious when I said had I had one I would have taken a shot.....like I said he is a big trigger for me, I am really working on it though, I have made baby steps over the last few months....
I am trying to turn and walk away when he does something to piss me off, he just really caught me off gaurd yesterday, that being I had a talk w/ him before he came back that we would not tolerate his crap..he had been doing better, but I feel w./ Bri not being here, he had me all to himself and blam.out of his mouth the smartazz comments. Now if Bri were here, that would not have happened....
I really am working on it...its not easy............if I were strung out it would not bother me..( I was pretty much stoned most of their life, then I got on methadone for my back and nothing bothered me)......but I have a clear head now and it does...so I am have to relearn myself....
Krazi/Traci
Ahhh see...the problem really isn't the bologna....is it? Its a little deeper than that, you answered it yourself by talking about how he reminds you of your X and how much you dislike your X. One thing we can do as parents is talk about how much they remind us of X...how they look like, talk like and act like X. Then he may here you talk about how your X pushes all your buttons and how you can't stand the way he acts or has treated you in the past.
Subliminally sending out these negative messages to your boy that is like your X. I think he knows this and feels bad....about himself and is stepping into the role that you have laid out for him...dose that make sense. I know that we don't do these things on purpose but it happens.
For example...my son that is 22 years old is the spitting image of his Dad..and I mean spitting....he is so much like him....my X also....we split when he was 2. Throughout the years I am sure he has heard me spew anger over certain things that I believed happened..real or not. I caught myself early on from saying anything negative at all about his Dad...simply because I could see how it was affecting my kid. He started to think that he must be no good either..since he is "just like his Dad" and knew how I felt about his Dad.
I started to accentuate all the things that I loved about his Dad...so he would see himself in a more positive light...that was hard...because his Dad is a Deadbeat and a drunken one at that. He has pickled himself and jokes about it. He owes me tens of thousand in child support for all the years he didn't pay or participate in there lives....but he has a very big heart and is such a kind person and there are so many qualities that drew me to him in the first place. so by doing this...so much tension left our relationship...and to this day...he is a mommy' boy and proud of it.
Did that make any sense Traci??? My point is...you know it is definitely NOT about the Bologna!!!!
Subliminally sending out these negative messages to your boy that is like your X. I think he knows this and feels bad....about himself and is stepping into the role that you have laid out for him...dose that make sense. I know that we don't do these things on purpose but it happens.
For example...my son that is 22 years old is the spitting image of his Dad..and I mean spitting....he is so much like him....my X also....we split when he was 2. Throughout the years I am sure he has heard me spew anger over certain things that I believed happened..real or not. I caught myself early on from saying anything negative at all about his Dad...simply because I could see how it was affecting my kid. He started to think that he must be no good either..since he is "just like his Dad" and knew how I felt about his Dad.
I started to accentuate all the things that I loved about his Dad...so he would see himself in a more positive light...that was hard...because his Dad is a Deadbeat and a drunken one at that. He has pickled himself and jokes about it. He owes me tens of thousand in child support for all the years he didn't pay or participate in there lives....but he has a very big heart and is such a kind person and there are so many qualities that drew me to him in the first place. so by doing this...so much tension left our relationship...and to this day...he is a mommy' boy and proud of it.
Did that make any sense Traci??? My point is...you know it is definitely NOT about the Bologna!!!!
Thanks Kee kee,
you gave me some things to think about..
Krazi/Traci
you gave me some things to think about..
Krazi/Traci
