Needing Help

You know, I have not posted here in a long time, and I am now at a point in my life where I need to ask for help. I have been fortunate to have people who are still posting here that I speak with via email, and they have been wonderful to me, but now I am entering into a realm of hell that I KNEW I would enter when I had to go back on large amounts of pain medication again.

I have had some health issues come up in my life recently, and even though I was in a recovery program, I was in a Methadone recovery program. I have suffered with four back surgeries, and chronic pain for over four years now. So, when I decided to enter recovery I found out that without pain medication, I would not even be able to tie my own shoes, much less walk without some kind of help from medication.

With the help of my doctor I chose a MMT program. I have not regretted it thus far. As the end of the year approached, I ended up relapsing and drinking the night away. I had a huge portion of my life fall apart, and I thought that would be the best way to kill the pain. Of course it was the worst thing I could have done, but hindsight is always 20/20. Now, I am sick, and have had to go on Methadone as a pain reliever instead of the recovery dosage.

This was my biggest fear, as I was terrified of losing "myself" again. I feel as if that is exactly what is happening. As I suffer out the hell with my sickness, I am slipping into the hell of actively using again. I am still going to my AA meetings, and my sponsor is wonderful. I am also still going to my clinic, and dealing with my medication being dosed there once a week, and still have all my counseling. It is not enough, and I am scared.

I guess that I needed to vent, and felt like I could come back here for some additional support. I don't know. All of this is hitting me like a ton of bricks, and I am not sure how to cope. I am at a loss. I guess looking back to where I came in the beginning is what I am hoping for. This board provided me with some great tools to aide in my recovery quest, and the support I received was phenominal. I miss that. I sure hope that I am still accepted here, and can ask for help. I have not been posting here for some time, and feel like maybe it is ok to come back.

Thanks for letting me vent. I look forward to hearing some advise.

Thanks and God Bless,
Lady M
Have you thought about trying suboxone instead of methadone?

I'm sure they both have their pros and cons (sub may not work on severe pain), but at least with sub you won't feel loaded or out of it and it won't make you constantly feel like you are high on something. And, from what I've heard, the withdrawals are very mild, but methadone withdrawals are hell.

Good luck in whatever you choose..... Some people need to be on pain medicine for the rest of their lives, so finding one that you won't abuse that will help minimize your pain will be very important for you and your doctor.

We're here if you need us.
Danni
Hey Lady M,
I'm so sorry things are getting worse for you. Do you go to any sort of counseling? It may help to talk to someone. You have to do what you have to do to be able to function on a daily basis. Pain sucks, I've been there and who knows when any of us will go there again or for the first time. I wish there was more I could say or do for you. If you ever need anything or just to vent, let me know. Take care of yourself, I'll be praying for you...

God Bless,
Deb
Danni,

I have seen your posts in the past, and thank you for the response. I wish I could be on something like Sub, but I am now on way to much of a dose of Methadone to even consider that. You have to be below 40mgs to make that change. I checked into it in the beginning. Hooray for you that it works for you. It warms my heart to see another medication to help with recovery. Keep up the good work.

Deborah,

Your prayers are greatly appreciated, thank you so much. Yes I have two different counselors I am seeing right now, one is for my addiction, and the other is for severe depression that has been common with my new medical problems. Thank you for the ideas... Sometimes coming to a place where others KNOW and UNDERSTAND what the medications do, is the best place to be. It is one of my reasons for coming here tonight.

While the thought of taking the medications is frustrating, what is worse is the continuous pain that comes with this. I was doing pretty good up until about two and a half weeks ago, and then this has hit me full force. I have been in total hell for about a week, and can not manage my pain. I have just been increased with the medications, and I am getting to the point where I feel myself just drifting away. I feel like I have lost my grounding, and I am scared to beat all hell.

I thank you both for the responses. It means a lot to me.

Lady M

Carrie,
I am sorry to hear that you are having problems. I really don't have any good advice on this....I do have some prayers though and I will send them your way....Keep searching out answers and fighting for what you have now......
Take care,
Love,
Tina
Lady M, shoot me an email..
Carrie,

I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering so much. I know there have been certain "issues" here on the board, but that has been long gone, and I believe people should let bygones be bygones. That was my new years resolution. I only wish you the best. I cant offer much advice to you, because I am back on pain meds - I wont go into it now. I just want you to know that I will say a prayer for you. And welcome back to the board.

Love,
Marie
Dear Carrie we havent spoke in a while.Life sometimes get caught in the way.Please know if I can help let me know.I am so so sorry to hear how things are going for you.If I can try & ease your pain let me know....mj
lady m, im so sorry for your recent crisis and will include you in my prayers, i know you are frustrated but i also know you have a inner strength and knowledge that amazes me, ive read your posts since i first found this board back in 6-04 and you i admire, theres certain people that i really pay attention to on here about this disease of addiction and you being one, i relapsed for a short time and felt guilty about posting and hadnt been on this board for awhile but when i returned i looked for you and when i didnt see any posts was wondering what had happened, now i know, i wish i could offer something other than my thoughts and prayers but if nothing else ill do that, stay strong and god will help, this i know. welcome back i wish the circumstances were different. take care and ill keep you in my prayers.
Tina,
Thank you for your prayers, they mean very much to me. Just having your friendship and support helps, and I thank you for giving me a chance to be your friend. You have been there for me, and that is plenty. Thanks hun.

Marie,
Hi there hon, and I am so pleased that you have posted to me. I have really missed you, and I hope you are ok these days as well. I noticed you said you are on pain meds too, have you been hurt? If so, what happened? I sure will put you in my prayers. Drop me an email update some day, I would like to catch up with you. Sweetie, it does not matter to me if you are taking pain medications or not, your advise is just as good now as it was then. You are one of those people who have such wonderful glow about them, and always offer your hand if they are down. Thank you for your prayers

Danny,
I did drop you an email, and in answer to you, yes I have had a second and a third opinion. I had a very hard time accepting this, so I checked around to see if maybe they were wrong. I am looking forward to going on the 21st for my clinical trial. I have high hopes with this, and I am praying that they will find one that will work. I have not give up the ghost yet.

MJ,
Wow, it is nice to hear from you! I have missed you woman. How is that wonderful man? If you ever tire of him, send him this way. Hehe you sound like you are doing great btw, and congrats on your 30days, sorry I am late wishing it to you, keep up the great work MJ!

Perk,
You flatter me, and I cant thank you enough for what you said. It is wonderful to see you again as well. I have taken time away from the board, and I have been taking care of some other ventures, and even through I have been away, I have stopped and read once in a while. I did go through a relapse as well, and it is shameful, but I refused to let that get me anymore down than I already have been. I am sorry you returned and I was not here. You are always free to email me anytime you feel like it.
LadyMaverick302@comcast.net
Please update me on what has happened with you over these last few months, I have missed you dearly.


I thank you for all of your responses, it makes me feel good to know I still have allies to talk to, and I am sorry I have been away for so long. I wish my meetings were enough right now, but unfortunately they are not, as I am not as able to get around to extra ones. So, as August once did, I know I shall too. It is too much of a toll on my body to keep on going out all the time, and I am too tired most of the time as well. This has not been easy, and I have slipped into a major depression in the last few months. I have started taking anti-depressants, and I think they have found the right one for me now. It is helping way more than the others I tried have. So, for the first time in a long time, I am looking to others for help. I may not share all the gory details, as that has been a trouble maker, but I can share how I am feeling, and maybe be there for you all as well. It takes my mind off things, and I need that in my life right now. I am working, but I am working from home now. I put in hours when I can, and sleep the rest of the time. I do manage to fit time into the evenings with my family, and I am also working on getting my 14 year old into home-schooling. It may be selfish, but I want to spend as much time with her as I can. I can help her with schooling, and be with her at the same time.

So, thanks for the prayers, I will include all of you in mine as well. Thank you for the support as well. It means the world to me to have it.

LadyM
Hey, Lady, I hope you are getting my prayers. Keep your head up. Everyone deserves kindness...
Hugs to you...
Kerry
lady m.........i am sorry to hear of your problems and the illness. seems such a heavy load to bear. please don't beat yourself up about the pill issue when you are in chronic pain. welcome back to the board. i believe you will find many who will reach out and be here for you. i'll be one of them! take care and know you'll be in my prayers.
hey, mom....just wanted to say hi..
Kerry
Carrie,

Hey there. Just curious, if you dont mind my asking - which anti-depressant did you finally find that worked for you? They put me on a new one called Cymbalta. In the beginning it seemed to work great, but now, I dont know if its just me, but it doesnt seem to be working as well. Just wondering, cuz I think I've been on just about every one known to man (lol)!!

Hope you're feeling a little bit better today.

Love,
Marie
LB, and Mom, thanks you two. I love ya, and thanks for always being right there to lend me a hand. It means a ton. You have both been right there to offer a prayer or a helping word or two. I have been thankful for our growing friendships over the past month.

Marie, wow, we are on the same one, I started on Cymbalta just recently, and I like it better than Lexapro, or Paxil. It seems like I saw a difference within a week instead of waiting two week to a month for the others. I feel more balanced out now, than I have since getting the news. I am grateful for it right now, as my depression has been down right severe.

How is it working for you Marie? I hope it is working as well for you as it has for me. It is fast becoming a life saver.

God Bless,
Lady M
Carrie,

When I first started taking it a few months ago, it seemed to be doing REALLY great. That was before my little accident, etc.- so I really think it is a great anit- depressant, right now, I'm just a little overwhelmed with things. I'm really glad that its working for you. Yes, its different than the others, in that it begins to work after only 3 days of ingesting - no waiting 2-3 weeks. I'm so impatientLOL

Love,
Marie
Marie,

I do have to agree with the being impatient. I am always wanting results yesterday. If you don't mind me asking, what happened to you? You had an accident? Are you ok? I have been out of the loop for awhile. If it is too personal, please email me... I did get your email btw, and I will respond, just give me a few... I have to nap a ton these days, so I will get you wrote soon. I promise. I have you in my prayers too hun,

Lady M