Hello everyone,
Just thought I would update you all with my current situation. Kevin is still living with me..refuses to leave. I am all he has got. Anyway he was taking his subbies but I was so supsicious that he was still using. I dont know how cos he would even take them infront of me?? He had all the signs that he was still using, i.e dark eyes, small pupils, suddenly happier than before, rather enegetic compaired to his previous attempt??? Anyway this morning he left a message on my phone but hadnt put the phone down after and I heard him talking to his local dealer when he was supposed to be loading his van for work tomorrow. I confronted him but he told me a load of sh*t. Things just dont add up but hey I aint bothered. Well I am kind of but dont let him know...lol.
I have came back home, put my daughter to bed, have sorted all I needed to and am going to bed. I dont even wanna talk to him and hear the crap that will come out of his mouth...oh and hey the one who spent his last 50 pounds on his daughter and all his wages on his girlfriend (me) for my birthday has went one step too far. My credit card was missing from my purse this morning. He didnt know he had it apparently but I am gonna ring tomorrow and check if it has been used in the last few days. I thought errrm he cant be using cos he hasnt got money...how much of a fool am I.
Anyway moan over...its my own fault for putting up with it. Its a slow process but this will all be over soon.
Could anyone enlighten me as to how he can still be using when he is taking his subbies infront of me or is there some kind of trick where he aint really taking them???
He thinks he is clever....little bas*ard...I will get the bottom of this, catch him out then kick his little skinny a** out the door.
Lynds xx
oh and to top it off the old bugga downstairs started again telling my mam what a horrible nasty daughter she had. No one has ever had a bad word to say about me so she really peed me off and upset me. Why does everything happen together....is this life just testing me??
Forgot to mention that he aint coming back in the house off his face just enough to make me think he has had something but then he goes the rest of the day...is there any chance that he still gets something from the gear when on subbies and the pills just keep him going till the next hit??
He is even talking in his sleep again like he was on the gear. Too many pieces of the puzzle fit together but there is one piece missing and I just need to figure out where it is and what it is!! xx
He is even talking in his sleep again like he was on the gear. Too many pieces of the puzzle fit together but there is one piece missing and I just need to figure out where it is and what it is!! xx
Bunny, I've been looking for you, thanks for the update. How are you going to kick him out if he won't leave? You still sound strong and determined to do what's best for you and your child. Your neighbor sounds like a troublemaker and a pill - what's her beef? You just keep doing what you need to do for the two of you and don't let anyone bring you down. Sometimes the best thing to do with folks like that is just be as sickeningly sweet as you can be. I'll be sending out out strength and prayers for you and the little one. You hang in there, young lady.
Peace and Love~MomNMore
Peace and Love~MomNMore
Hi Bunny..
I am going to share a few things I learned along the way. My husband cut his ties to money. Made me, and yes made me open an account in just my name, cut his debit card, turned in the credit cards, and I sit here smiling cause when he wanted to use he used.My husband is resourceful always.
Getting around the sub, well dose of sub, method of use, and tolerance plays into if he can get around it.
And is he dissolving it, or just swallowing cause it doesnt work if swallowed..
All this said it doesnt matter if he uses or not. And you shouldnt be watching him take his dose. He is a big boy and knows what he needs to do for him..This is not where we should be. I know I talked about that this is their life, and it is. I dont care if it is a child or adult, if they want to use they will.
And to complicate this more scratch the eyes, at a higher dose my husbands were pinned. And he felt great once he went on it, normal is what should be once they adjust to the dose. Just a bit about sub in general. It is made from the thebain alkaloid of the opium plant, and it produces a more stimulatory rather then depressive effect..Gotta remember that when you look at him as you will not see that kick, that no energy and the other stuff that comes with kicking..
This almost shows why we stay on our side of the street cause you will drive yourself nuts trying to figure out if he is or if he isnt..
And it doesnt matter. Nothing should be contingent upon him getting clean, or using . You stay or leave for you, not based on what he is doing. And you make him leave for how he treats you.doesnt much in my eyes matter if they are using or not. If he is treating you bad then you need to save you
Not an easy road, and addiction is far to complicated to try to rationalize..
You are most important, remember that always.
Be good to you,
Love,
Tina
I am going to share a few things I learned along the way. My husband cut his ties to money. Made me, and yes made me open an account in just my name, cut his debit card, turned in the credit cards, and I sit here smiling cause when he wanted to use he used.My husband is resourceful always.
Getting around the sub, well dose of sub, method of use, and tolerance plays into if he can get around it.
And is he dissolving it, or just swallowing cause it doesnt work if swallowed..
All this said it doesnt matter if he uses or not. And you shouldnt be watching him take his dose. He is a big boy and knows what he needs to do for him..This is not where we should be. I know I talked about that this is their life, and it is. I dont care if it is a child or adult, if they want to use they will.
And to complicate this more scratch the eyes, at a higher dose my husbands were pinned. And he felt great once he went on it, normal is what should be once they adjust to the dose. Just a bit about sub in general. It is made from the thebain alkaloid of the opium plant, and it produces a more stimulatory rather then depressive effect..Gotta remember that when you look at him as you will not see that kick, that no energy and the other stuff that comes with kicking..
This almost shows why we stay on our side of the street cause you will drive yourself nuts trying to figure out if he is or if he isnt..
And it doesnt matter. Nothing should be contingent upon him getting clean, or using . You stay or leave for you, not based on what he is doing. And you make him leave for how he treats you.doesnt much in my eyes matter if they are using or not. If he is treating you bad then you need to save you
Not an easy road, and addiction is far to complicated to try to rationalize..
You are most important, remember that always.
Be good to you,
Love,
Tina
Awww thanks. I know he has to do this for himself and only himself but I cant hang around for him but he seems to think that I have to because he has nobody else and for the sake of our daughter. I know this is wrong and I have said if you even cared the slightest about your daughter you wouldnt of took it in the first place. Him of all people knows what it does to you. I was the one that got him on the straight and narrow when he moved in with me, hence the reasn why I thought I could do it again. This only causes frustration and anger. I aint angry anymore....I am sure he will do this but in his own time. No threats will change that. I just thought maybe is he realises what he has to loose it would give him that little more incentive??
Anyway I feel stronger than before and I aint scared of him. I have my life now and things are looking pretty good. My friends are commenting on my weight loss and that they have never seen me so quiet....thinking too much and worrying about lifes little problems too much.
As for the neigbour...well she is old and I think she aint got anything better to do and because she has lived there longer than any of us she thinks its her teritory. She is like a raving lunatic when she starts...and yes I make her worse because I stay calm and just ignore her or smile...that really pee's her off, but then I report it at the council and get myself upset. I am waiting on a move and hopefully it will be soon so I get through this knowing that I will be laughin at the end of it all.
As for resources for money, I agree that if they want it they can get it, any way or means. He used my card last week for money owed and he said he used it again yesterday for debt. I went mad and told him when he gets paid he can clear the whole dam thing cos I aint used the card and I aint paying for his problem. One thing he does do is pay what he pwes so I dont doubt at all that I wont get it back with extra.
Anyway got a nutter of a daughter swinging on my leg so gonna get her brekky done and watch some crazy cartoons and enjoy my day, free of him. He is back at work....yippppeeeee xx
Anyway I feel stronger than before and I aint scared of him. I have my life now and things are looking pretty good. My friends are commenting on my weight loss and that they have never seen me so quiet....thinking too much and worrying about lifes little problems too much.
As for the neigbour...well she is old and I think she aint got anything better to do and because she has lived there longer than any of us she thinks its her teritory. She is like a raving lunatic when she starts...and yes I make her worse because I stay calm and just ignore her or smile...that really pee's her off, but then I report it at the council and get myself upset. I am waiting on a move and hopefully it will be soon so I get through this knowing that I will be laughin at the end of it all.
As for resources for money, I agree that if they want it they can get it, any way or means. He used my card last week for money owed and he said he used it again yesterday for debt. I went mad and told him when he gets paid he can clear the whole dam thing cos I aint used the card and I aint paying for his problem. One thing he does do is pay what he pwes so I dont doubt at all that I wont get it back with extra.
Anyway got a nutter of a daughter swinging on my leg so gonna get her brekky done and watch some crazy cartoons and enjoy my day, free of him. He is back at work....yippppeeeee xx
No, no, no..
Just because a person uses that doesnt mean they dont care about their children.Bad misconception.
Very fine lines, and no excuses.
This is a sickness they say.flip of that molecular switch and it becomes something that on the outside we cant understand. The drugs override everything and yet they cant be an excuse..It is hard but what you wrote freaks me out cause it has nothing to do with him, and he uses because he is in active addiction. That changes when he is ready, not before, not because..
And sadly I disagree that you got him on the straight and narrow. He did it then and he can again.we have nothing to do with it. We can maybe be incentive, children can, but ultimately it is all them as it should be. We dont take credit ever for a fight that wasnt ours to win..
What they might lose, do lose.Not sure there as it is the drug in control and when it screams well..
In the end no matter what people stay or leave because of the situations they are in. I stayed as there was no real reason to leave..
You have the choice to stay or leave as well, or to flat out toss him. One thing for certain is that you cant let yourself become a victim..
Who is he, do you know, honestly? Think about it. I am not one for leaving, dont like it ( well abuse present is different and I am talking opiates as that is what I live with my husband ), dont like the cut off. I think people should just be adults and act like ones when they find out where they arent helping,
Yes I am very opinionated, and I am sorry but I know this, I live this, have for longer then my join date to this board and do on levels other then just a partner in this.
The truth is you have a life that is yours. If you are not happy, are stressed, frustrated it is up to you to figure out why and it has nothing to do with what he is doing..this is why we work our side and stay the f*ck out of their sh*t.
The answers lie always in you, and have nothing but nothing to do with him, ever
Find what you want from life. If you want to stay I wont argue even with that abuse that has been around cause this is your life to live and to learn from..And if you want him out then just do it for you, nothing more then you and your daughter.
Be good to you always, and enjoy each moment because there is so much misspent time in this.Time we never get back..
Love,
Tina
Just because a person uses that doesnt mean they dont care about their children.Bad misconception.
Very fine lines, and no excuses.
This is a sickness they say.flip of that molecular switch and it becomes something that on the outside we cant understand. The drugs override everything and yet they cant be an excuse..It is hard but what you wrote freaks me out cause it has nothing to do with him, and he uses because he is in active addiction. That changes when he is ready, not before, not because..
And sadly I disagree that you got him on the straight and narrow. He did it then and he can again.we have nothing to do with it. We can maybe be incentive, children can, but ultimately it is all them as it should be. We dont take credit ever for a fight that wasnt ours to win..
What they might lose, do lose.Not sure there as it is the drug in control and when it screams well..
In the end no matter what people stay or leave because of the situations they are in. I stayed as there was no real reason to leave..
You have the choice to stay or leave as well, or to flat out toss him. One thing for certain is that you cant let yourself become a victim..
Who is he, do you know, honestly? Think about it. I am not one for leaving, dont like it ( well abuse present is different and I am talking opiates as that is what I live with my husband ), dont like the cut off. I think people should just be adults and act like ones when they find out where they arent helping,
Yes I am very opinionated, and I am sorry but I know this, I live this, have for longer then my join date to this board and do on levels other then just a partner in this.
The truth is you have a life that is yours. If you are not happy, are stressed, frustrated it is up to you to figure out why and it has nothing to do with what he is doing..this is why we work our side and stay the f*ck out of their sh*t.
The answers lie always in you, and have nothing but nothing to do with him, ever
Find what you want from life. If you want to stay I wont argue even with that abuse that has been around cause this is your life to live and to learn from..And if you want him out then just do it for you, nothing more then you and your daughter.
Be good to you always, and enjoy each moment because there is so much misspent time in this.Time we never get back..
Love,
Tina
Tina,
I want him to go but he refuses. He has nowhere else to go.
I am not making this my problem, I refuse to have anything to do with the problem or him for that matter. We are just merely living together.
Yes there was mental abuse, a little physical and I have chose to opt out of it. I have tried to help him but learnt that its a never ending battle and that nothing I can do or say will sway him, it has to be him that stops and he cant/wont do that for anyone but himself. All I am saying is if he has done it before he can do it again.
I do try and understand point from an actual addict and thats why I use this board. I have learnt so much that I didnt no. I was one of them....heroin addicts are all scumbags....then I met people on here and they are the nicest people ever, they just have an illness as such. I am sorry that I doubted anyone on here, but I didnt know anything about drugs or users and untimately thought the worse.
As for Kevin....well I have told him whatever he does not to tell me and to just do it. If I dont ask any questions he wont tell me any lies. I know he is hurting deep down cos he knows he has lost everything and cant control his situation and I dont know where an addict has to get there strength from but one thing I do no now is that I cant change anything except my own life and thats what I am doing.
I have made mistakes but havent we all....made the wrong choices, fell for someones stupid story, believe something you know aint true and had hope that I could change the one I love back to the person he was before....I KNOW NOW
Its more frustrating than anything else because I just wanna no why, where, how etc etc etc....what does it feel like when you get your hit, how does it feel when you need a hit, what lengths you would go to get one..etc etc etc So many questions that I suppose no one can answer unless they have experiences it themselves...and I am dam sure I aint gonna try it!
Anyway I appreciate your honesty.
Thanks...Lynds xx
I want him to go but he refuses. He has nowhere else to go.
I am not making this my problem, I refuse to have anything to do with the problem or him for that matter. We are just merely living together.
Yes there was mental abuse, a little physical and I have chose to opt out of it. I have tried to help him but learnt that its a never ending battle and that nothing I can do or say will sway him, it has to be him that stops and he cant/wont do that for anyone but himself. All I am saying is if he has done it before he can do it again.
I do try and understand point from an actual addict and thats why I use this board. I have learnt so much that I didnt no. I was one of them....heroin addicts are all scumbags....then I met people on here and they are the nicest people ever, they just have an illness as such. I am sorry that I doubted anyone on here, but I didnt know anything about drugs or users and untimately thought the worse.
As for Kevin....well I have told him whatever he does not to tell me and to just do it. If I dont ask any questions he wont tell me any lies. I know he is hurting deep down cos he knows he has lost everything and cant control his situation and I dont know where an addict has to get there strength from but one thing I do no now is that I cant change anything except my own life and thats what I am doing.
I have made mistakes but havent we all....made the wrong choices, fell for someones stupid story, believe something you know aint true and had hope that I could change the one I love back to the person he was before....I KNOW NOW
Its more frustrating than anything else because I just wanna no why, where, how etc etc etc....what does it feel like when you get your hit, how does it feel when you need a hit, what lengths you would go to get one..etc etc etc So many questions that I suppose no one can answer unless they have experiences it themselves...and I am dam sure I aint gonna try it!
Anyway I appreciate your honesty.
Thanks...Lynds xx
Look I know I was tough..and I can be a bit rough around the edges.
I have been full circle with this. Rode that rollercoaster, each time my husband used, play head games with myself over and over in denial..rationalized this to a nice slow death.how odd I was the one dying inside.
As far as the addicts in this, well see I would jump on you in a flash if I saw that word which I despise, junkie..that is judgmental, and ignorant. I have started more then enough crazy s*** on here pointing that word out. I hate boxed in mentalities, and this one way is the only way.
There is so much to learn, and yet all the answers still sit in you. If you want him gone then tell him to go. Open up be honest and tell him, and if he doesnt then find help to get him out. Him just not leaving cant be a good enough excuse not to have your life the way you want it to be..
Falling for the lines and the lies is normal in this. You would not be the only one who was snow jobbed, over and over..
It is so hard for me to write like this. I put all the good stuff in my journal/poems/twisted rants where I would show me and the road I walked. I am not a stranger to drugs either, havent met anything I didnt love intimately
Them questions you ask. I wrote about that in my journal. I so wanted to know what all the big deal was about cause I never met heroin.a bit of a death wish, fantasy I think at the time for me. I wanted it, needle an all.figured if I was gonna do it might as well get it right the first time, and flat line.skip all that dying slowly sh*t..
I am not thinking I will ever be trying heroin. I see the scream etched on my husband face, the longing in his eyes.And it hurts, but it is his fight, and I just do what Kerry on the family board has said to me, just be me and do my thing.
I learned from the other side, more then this side. This side I dont understand much it doesnt work in my head..But we do cause a lot of our own problems. Become a catalyst for whatever ride we take. And in my heart I do believe at times we are part of the problem not the solution, for us as well as them
Yet in the end when all is said and done we either live or die inside and it isnt anyones fault but out own.as we are the only ones who control our actions, feelings and no drug no person should ever be given that power over us.
Hang in there,
Love,
Tina
I have been full circle with this. Rode that rollercoaster, each time my husband used, play head games with myself over and over in denial..rationalized this to a nice slow death.how odd I was the one dying inside.
As far as the addicts in this, well see I would jump on you in a flash if I saw that word which I despise, junkie..that is judgmental, and ignorant. I have started more then enough crazy s*** on here pointing that word out. I hate boxed in mentalities, and this one way is the only way.
There is so much to learn, and yet all the answers still sit in you. If you want him gone then tell him to go. Open up be honest and tell him, and if he doesnt then find help to get him out. Him just not leaving cant be a good enough excuse not to have your life the way you want it to be..
Falling for the lines and the lies is normal in this. You would not be the only one who was snow jobbed, over and over..
It is so hard for me to write like this. I put all the good stuff in my journal/poems/twisted rants where I would show me and the road I walked. I am not a stranger to drugs either, havent met anything I didnt love intimately
Them questions you ask. I wrote about that in my journal. I so wanted to know what all the big deal was about cause I never met heroin.a bit of a death wish, fantasy I think at the time for me. I wanted it, needle an all.figured if I was gonna do it might as well get it right the first time, and flat line.skip all that dying slowly sh*t..
I am not thinking I will ever be trying heroin. I see the scream etched on my husband face, the longing in his eyes.And it hurts, but it is his fight, and I just do what Kerry on the family board has said to me, just be me and do my thing.
I learned from the other side, more then this side. This side I dont understand much it doesnt work in my head..But we do cause a lot of our own problems. Become a catalyst for whatever ride we take. And in my heart I do believe at times we are part of the problem not the solution, for us as well as them
Yet in the end when all is said and done we either live or die inside and it isnt anyones fault but out own.as we are the only ones who control our actions, feelings and no drug no person should ever be given that power over us.
Hang in there,
Love,
Tina
Wow, Tina, that (your last post) was helpful, compassionate, and sincere!
Love,
Susan
Love,
Susan
Thanks Tina...your words mean so much. I am going to take your advise.
I suppose I am young and vunerable so it is easy to blame the drugs, the addiction etc when infact its me that controls my own life and your right nobody should have control over that!
I am getting on with things once again and I am starting to feel better in myself...more and more back to normal. I know things will never be completely normal but this is a start for me and I feel happy again.
Kevin is using again but we agreed not in this house. He hasnt so far. He wont leave and to be honest I know it aint my problem but he hasnt got anywhere else to go.
Hopefully he will sort himself out, but I suppose I will be here for him whatever, as a friend if not a partner. I am the one who understood him but now??? he dont understand himself anymore. His head is so messed up from the H. I aint gonna push him, make threats etc...I aint saying nothing. His choice, his life and the same goes for me.
I got me and my daughter to think about and thats what I am gonna do. Look after number 1.
Thanks again for your post. Its always a pleasure to read your posts because they are so meaningfull and true.
Love Lynds xx
I suppose I am young and vunerable so it is easy to blame the drugs, the addiction etc when infact its me that controls my own life and your right nobody should have control over that!
I am getting on with things once again and I am starting to feel better in myself...more and more back to normal. I know things will never be completely normal but this is a start for me and I feel happy again.
Kevin is using again but we agreed not in this house. He hasnt so far. He wont leave and to be honest I know it aint my problem but he hasnt got anywhere else to go.
Hopefully he will sort himself out, but I suppose I will be here for him whatever, as a friend if not a partner. I am the one who understood him but now??? he dont understand himself anymore. His head is so messed up from the H. I aint gonna push him, make threats etc...I aint saying nothing. His choice, his life and the same goes for me.
I got me and my daughter to think about and thats what I am gonna do. Look after number 1.
Thanks again for your post. Its always a pleasure to read your posts because they are so meaningfull and true.
Love Lynds xx
Boiling Bunny,
Man, you got stuck with some names, girlie......O.K. the ladies they gave ya fab advice.........Tina, knows her stuff too.......she just can't spell good.
I am so kidding.........little joke........but Bunny Girl........I mean i understand ya ain't wanting a fight........you don't want to push anything.....I hear ya........so you are going to keep on living......you and the baby doll.......with him in the same house........apartment......I forget what that is called? Maybe, and I am not sure......maybe passive aggressive? Naw, he ain't got no place to go.....and why is that?..........you're still IN IT.......if he's thre.
Listen I'm a whimp........and I might never heed my own advice.......but what if he nods while smoking........what if he owes out money adn they come there......what if he OD's and you find him.........a bajillion things can happen.
Oh and no you don't need to be knowing what that hit is......what it's like.....look at the man ya love.......look where it took him........there's the answer to that question.......like Tina said that look.......the anguish, despair, the need.......!!!!!!!!!!!!
HERE-ON.......they call heroin that here......cause from HERE-ON YOU"LL BE SICK........HERE ON YOU'LL GIVE YOUR SOUL TO HEROIN.....FROM HERE-ON YOU DON'T BELONG TO YOU.........you belong to heroin.
Meanwhile, baby cakes...........easy for me to say kick him to the curb.......and I know you love him..........just nuttin good can come out of it......nuttin.
Bunny, my best friend........she was a meth user.......way back.........when I tell ya beautiful........perfect skin, and teeth........pretty eyes........funny and tough at once.........that meth.......ate her alive........and she'd say "Oh come on do a line with me."............now I wondered what the big whoop was about......oh she loved meth..........and I never saw her love ven her baby that way........no man.....I thought "Hmmmmmmmmm, what's it do?".......and then I had to hold her son as he projectiled vomited.........cause the milk in the bottle she gave him sat for three days........oh she was awake doing her cleaning and keeping house..........NO.............kooked out her mind........aimless.
That day.......an hurlater this poor baby I mean curdled milk.......alllllllll over me, and he whimpered for his mom.........she was too busy looking for the baby's dad who had money and if he shot up and oh he best not have.....he finally came home and this baby was crying and he just looked at him and the two of them fought fists....................and she said "If you do a line I won't HAVE to shoot up. Do a line so I won't shoot up. Don't make me shoot up".
I said "Why, why would I want to touch a drug made a mother leave her baby sick? Huh? Let anohter woman cradel that baby cause you needed money for this stuff? I will never touch that crap, **. Never".
You look Bunny.............only ironic my girl she died.........I ditched her a year before.......I couldn't stand it..........being used..........she's dead.....so is her son's dad..........all their friends..........and I used to wonder and when in a really bad neighborhood at night say "Look at me **, I'm a piece of s*it. Ain' t that ironic? I'm down here just like you were. Help me die, ** would ya?"
Bunny, you gotta worry for you.........and the baby girl.......I know I hate it all too........but you're in it.
Man, you got stuck with some names, girlie......O.K. the ladies they gave ya fab advice.........Tina, knows her stuff too.......she just can't spell good.
I am so kidding.........little joke........but Bunny Girl........I mean i understand ya ain't wanting a fight........you don't want to push anything.....I hear ya........so you are going to keep on living......you and the baby doll.......with him in the same house........apartment......I forget what that is called? Maybe, and I am not sure......maybe passive aggressive? Naw, he ain't got no place to go.....and why is that?..........you're still IN IT.......if he's thre.
Listen I'm a whimp........and I might never heed my own advice.......but what if he nods while smoking........what if he owes out money adn they come there......what if he OD's and you find him.........a bajillion things can happen.
Oh and no you don't need to be knowing what that hit is......what it's like.....look at the man ya love.......look where it took him........there's the answer to that question.......like Tina said that look.......the anguish, despair, the need.......!!!!!!!!!!!!
HERE-ON.......they call heroin that here......cause from HERE-ON YOU"LL BE SICK........HERE ON YOU'LL GIVE YOUR SOUL TO HEROIN.....FROM HERE-ON YOU DON'T BELONG TO YOU.........you belong to heroin.
Meanwhile, baby cakes...........easy for me to say kick him to the curb.......and I know you love him..........just nuttin good can come out of it......nuttin.
Bunny, my best friend........she was a meth user.......way back.........when I tell ya beautiful........perfect skin, and teeth........pretty eyes........funny and tough at once.........that meth.......ate her alive........and she'd say "Oh come on do a line with me."............now I wondered what the big whoop was about......oh she loved meth..........and I never saw her love ven her baby that way........no man.....I thought "Hmmmmmmmmm, what's it do?".......and then I had to hold her son as he projectiled vomited.........cause the milk in the bottle she gave him sat for three days........oh she was awake doing her cleaning and keeping house..........NO.............kooked out her mind........aimless.
That day.......an hurlater this poor baby I mean curdled milk.......alllllllll over me, and he whimpered for his mom.........she was too busy looking for the baby's dad who had money and if he shot up and oh he best not have.....he finally came home and this baby was crying and he just looked at him and the two of them fought fists....................and she said "If you do a line I won't HAVE to shoot up. Do a line so I won't shoot up. Don't make me shoot up".
I said "Why, why would I want to touch a drug made a mother leave her baby sick? Huh? Let anohter woman cradel that baby cause you needed money for this stuff? I will never touch that crap, **. Never".
You look Bunny.............only ironic my girl she died.........I ditched her a year before.......I couldn't stand it..........being used..........she's dead.....so is her son's dad..........all their friends..........and I used to wonder and when in a really bad neighborhood at night say "Look at me **, I'm a piece of s*it. Ain' t that ironic? I'm down here just like you were. Help me die, ** would ya?"
Bunny, you gotta worry for you.........and the baby girl.......I know I hate it all too........but you're in it.
Oh, Bryn, how sad! To feed her baby a curdled bottle and not even care about him being sick and crying! These drugs are straight from the devil! No one else could be responsible for something so horrible! Something so horrible that a mother doesn't even care about her poor little baby! Oh, how I hate drugs!
Love,
Susan
Love,
Susan
Bunny,
It is so hard, and so sad.
I will always worry with the abuse, that passive aggressive sh*t. I have a hard time with this, is it the drug or the person to begin with.An about a million questions that run on endlessly.
And then that will they ever be the same. You know I say no, in most cases I would think they should be better. As when they leave them addictive behaviors behind it should get better, rightAnd yet again it is that unknown which creates so much confusion for us..
It is not easy to stay, there will be sadness, will be heartache, will be pain, insane questions ( even as just friends as there is some love always around with those we are close to ) but it is not that it happens as this is normal it is more how much it is let rule. If you allow it to become an obsession. There are all kinds of tricks that you can learn to help with this. I play the tape as death is my obsession.but there is a god box as well. Write your worries on a piece of paper and put it in the box for God to worry about. It works for many. I write and fire up the shredder when I might be head tripping. Whatever you can do to help with how you feel so you dont ride that rollercoaster in what they are presenting.
And oddly I know many who left who still have them same concerns they did when they were there, but lessened as it wasnt in their face.
Bryn played the what ifs.the smoking scares me Jen on the family board sees that. The oding, I had that, pulse of 10...oh yet that is not cool. Wd after wd that really effected me.then he went and tripped it with sub, omg that is something that is out of this world. As if wd just wasnt bad enough on its own.
I saw some sh*t, I dont talk much about it as I cant drag that pain up as it is in the past. There is no need to live in that it isnt mine.But damn if I couldnt feed on it to take me to a real bad place.
I surely lived and learned with heroin around..
Oh Bryn, it is f*cked isnt it. How sad that story is. And yet it plays over and over.day after day for someone. I am so sorry about your friend..
Susan, not sure about what you said. All my post are sincere, unless I am visibly playing around. I just dont play games in the pretty. This is an ugly disease, you cant cover it up and make it pretty, there is no way..
Drugs are what they are, to the user they become what they do.nothing more, nothing less as each story is so different..Drug addiction to me is a contradiction and never ever will it makes sense unless that scream is in your head.
You all have a great night..
Love,
Tina
It is so hard, and so sad.
I will always worry with the abuse, that passive aggressive sh*t. I have a hard time with this, is it the drug or the person to begin with.An about a million questions that run on endlessly.
And then that will they ever be the same. You know I say no, in most cases I would think they should be better. As when they leave them addictive behaviors behind it should get better, rightAnd yet again it is that unknown which creates so much confusion for us..
It is not easy to stay, there will be sadness, will be heartache, will be pain, insane questions ( even as just friends as there is some love always around with those we are close to ) but it is not that it happens as this is normal it is more how much it is let rule. If you allow it to become an obsession. There are all kinds of tricks that you can learn to help with this. I play the tape as death is my obsession.but there is a god box as well. Write your worries on a piece of paper and put it in the box for God to worry about. It works for many. I write and fire up the shredder when I might be head tripping. Whatever you can do to help with how you feel so you dont ride that rollercoaster in what they are presenting.
And oddly I know many who left who still have them same concerns they did when they were there, but lessened as it wasnt in their face.
Bryn played the what ifs.the smoking scares me Jen on the family board sees that. The oding, I had that, pulse of 10...oh yet that is not cool. Wd after wd that really effected me.then he went and tripped it with sub, omg that is something that is out of this world. As if wd just wasnt bad enough on its own.
I saw some sh*t, I dont talk much about it as I cant drag that pain up as it is in the past. There is no need to live in that it isnt mine.But damn if I couldnt feed on it to take me to a real bad place.
I surely lived and learned with heroin around..
Oh Bryn, it is f*cked isnt it. How sad that story is. And yet it plays over and over.day after day for someone. I am so sorry about your friend..
Susan, not sure about what you said. All my post are sincere, unless I am visibly playing around. I just dont play games in the pretty. This is an ugly disease, you cant cover it up and make it pretty, there is no way..
Drugs are what they are, to the user they become what they do.nothing more, nothing less as each story is so different..Drug addiction to me is a contradiction and never ever will it makes sense unless that scream is in your head.
You all have a great night..
Love,
Tina
Tina,
I read the last part of your post to Kevin...he agreed with you.
Bryn I am so sorry for your friend. Can I just ask what happened to that little baby??
Kevin controls his use..I know you maybe laugh but he only has enough to make him feel normal so that he can do day to day things. He only smokes it too...no injecting...no gouging out (not lately anyway).
My baby is never left with him, but I do know that he would never do anything to hurt hrt and if he thought he were incapable of looking after her he would tell me so I could take over. He only watches her when I am here anyway. He baths her, and maybe puts her to bed...the rest of the day he is at work so we got on with our day together.
God I love my little sweetheart so much and if I thought this would affect her health or safety in anyway then believe me I would leave myself without a goodbye and he would not see me for dust. She is my world...I live for her.
As for falling asleep with cigarettes...well they are all hid when its bedtime...and the lighters too and ashtray...lol. Seriously they are all out of his way but once he is asleep he dont bother getting up again.
One thing I have noticed is he keeps crying in his sleep...I think deep down although I am not bothering him about his problem, he knows that I have had enough and that he is going to loose me. He shouts out in his sleep, please dont go and sobs his heart out. I just leave him as evil as it sounds. He dont remember the dreams when he wakes but I remind him. He sometimes has pannick attacks also if he wakes and I am not there...subconciously he knows that its pushing me away and it gonna be long before I walk the walk instead of talking the talk.
Bye for now and thanks for all your replies...keep them coming as they are so much help and each and every one so different.
Lynds xxxx
I read the last part of your post to Kevin...he agreed with you.
Bryn I am so sorry for your friend. Can I just ask what happened to that little baby??
Kevin controls his use..I know you maybe laugh but he only has enough to make him feel normal so that he can do day to day things. He only smokes it too...no injecting...no gouging out (not lately anyway).
My baby is never left with him, but I do know that he would never do anything to hurt hrt and if he thought he were incapable of looking after her he would tell me so I could take over. He only watches her when I am here anyway. He baths her, and maybe puts her to bed...the rest of the day he is at work so we got on with our day together.
God I love my little sweetheart so much and if I thought this would affect her health or safety in anyway then believe me I would leave myself without a goodbye and he would not see me for dust. She is my world...I live for her.
As for falling asleep with cigarettes...well they are all hid when its bedtime...and the lighters too and ashtray...lol. Seriously they are all out of his way but once he is asleep he dont bother getting up again.
One thing I have noticed is he keeps crying in his sleep...I think deep down although I am not bothering him about his problem, he knows that I have had enough and that he is going to loose me. He shouts out in his sleep, please dont go and sobs his heart out. I just leave him as evil as it sounds. He dont remember the dreams when he wakes but I remind him. He sometimes has pannick attacks also if he wakes and I am not there...subconciously he knows that its pushing me away and it gonna be long before I walk the walk instead of talking the talk.
Bye for now and thanks for all your replies...keep them coming as they are so much help and each and every one so different.
Lynds xxxx
Oh my Bunny Rocker.......Boiler........Susan calling ya that.
That little baby........he'd be I guess about 23 or 24 now...........and I have no idea where he is or what happened to him.......I know his dad died last year......and my girlfriend died years ago.....I only knew cause my dad said "Hey here's your girl".......showed me an obituary........she died in some State down South and I have no idea why she was there.......not sure what she died from........she had HIV, but last I saw her was taking medication and she looked pretty good.........who knows?
Yeah, I'd wind up watching her baby for years.........she moved back to this State.........always moving.............and pull some cockamamie scheme....and leave him with me and not show back up..........I didn't have children back then so it was alright by me, but well even her family they wouldn't help her no how.........that meth makes ya out of your mind..........she was a funny, indignant chica........but she had these eyes that'd melt ya........and the baby had them too.........beautiful eyes.......so yeah I feel bad..........bad I ditched her, but I was so called "normal" then.
Last time I was visiting her......now I was not street smart.......she says give me the money and I'll get us some gin..........STUPID ME.........I gave her $30.00 and it was like Bar X Brand.......she probably made it in the tub or something.....and talk about getting sick..........I was sick from one drink.......then when I started being out there I was like (LIGHTBULB) she took the money and poisoned me..........LOL.............I miss her.......I look at old pictures of us.........fun times........before she got into that.
Hope her son is doing alright wherever he is.....pretty much nobody cared if she died........I felt so bad..........hope she's looking out for me.
That little baby........he'd be I guess about 23 or 24 now...........and I have no idea where he is or what happened to him.......I know his dad died last year......and my girlfriend died years ago.....I only knew cause my dad said "Hey here's your girl".......showed me an obituary........she died in some State down South and I have no idea why she was there.......not sure what she died from........she had HIV, but last I saw her was taking medication and she looked pretty good.........who knows?
Yeah, I'd wind up watching her baby for years.........she moved back to this State.........always moving.............and pull some cockamamie scheme....and leave him with me and not show back up..........I didn't have children back then so it was alright by me, but well even her family they wouldn't help her no how.........that meth makes ya out of your mind..........she was a funny, indignant chica........but she had these eyes that'd melt ya........and the baby had them too.........beautiful eyes.......so yeah I feel bad..........bad I ditched her, but I was so called "normal" then.
Last time I was visiting her......now I was not street smart.......she says give me the money and I'll get us some gin..........STUPID ME.........I gave her $30.00 and it was like Bar X Brand.......she probably made it in the tub or something.....and talk about getting sick..........I was sick from one drink.......then when I started being out there I was like (LIGHTBULB) she took the money and poisoned me..........LOL.............I miss her.......I look at old pictures of us.........fun times........before she got into that.
Hope her son is doing alright wherever he is.....pretty much nobody cared if she died........I felt so bad..........hope she's looking out for me.
Awww Bryn,
Woudlnt you love to get in contact with "the baby"?? Would be the same age as me.
Awww its really sad...its unfrotunate for those children of people that are so messed up with thier habbit and lifestyle that they get ill treated, neglected and in some cases abused. I would foster them all....infact if I had more money I would do something like that.
Why anyone would touch this drug is beyond me but people have thier reasons and it must be some special buzz.....it really frustrates me cos allot of people know what it does to you and how addictive it is, yet they still choose to use it.
Awwww bet ya miss ya girlfriend too....thats really sad. I aint ever lost a friend, infact I aint really got a good friend as such. They are very rare.
Lynds xx
Woudlnt you love to get in contact with "the baby"?? Would be the same age as me.
Awww its really sad...its unfrotunate for those children of people that are so messed up with thier habbit and lifestyle that they get ill treated, neglected and in some cases abused. I would foster them all....infact if I had more money I would do something like that.
Why anyone would touch this drug is beyond me but people have thier reasons and it must be some special buzz.....it really frustrates me cos allot of people know what it does to you and how addictive it is, yet they still choose to use it.
Awwww bet ya miss ya girlfriend too....thats really sad. I aint ever lost a friend, infact I aint really got a good friend as such. They are very rare.
Lynds xx
my fella was on subbies an like you some how he was still using i just cant understand it but all i can say is heroin is evil in everyway the world would be a lot happier without it xx
I second that emz. xx
Tina your words make me weep and yet it feels so good to know that I am not alone. It makes so much sense, that he is who he is, that whether he is using or not is irrelevant. If he is kind and makes me feel good about myself then he is worth my time. I cannot take on his pain or fight his battles, they are his. I am so glad I found this site.
Lynds, I haven't read the rest of the replies but I wanted to say something before I forgot it! Why are you waiting for the next piece of the puzzle? You are falling into classic co-dependency. Is it going to make any difference when you find that piece of the puzzle? It's always "I'll do something about when this that or the other happens" but then there will be another obstacle you want to tackle first. We always want definative proof that our suspicions are correct. Addicts are so manipulative and such proficient liars. You'll know if he's serious, not because of what he says, but because of what he does and is. When I gave up drugs for good, I completely changed. I did my grieving (and he will grieve, coz it's the end of a relationship that has sustained us for so long) and I got on with life. I no longer had anything to hide, coz I'd stopped hiding from myself. I became honest, and brutally so. I admitted to myself that I'd made so many mistakes, and forgave myself and went about life with a completely new attitude. I realised that the only person I'd been fooling was myself. I took responsibility for my life and stopped blaming every other thing I thought I could hang it on.
I hope you can stop obsessing over what he's up to, and start moving on.
love
diff xxx
I hope you can stop obsessing over what he's up to, and start moving on.
love
diff xxx
