Over the course of the last 17 years, since our son was 13, we've come to know that we are unable to "cure" his addiction. We know that he and only he can make the decision that he will do whatever it takes to get and stay sober. He made that decision, again, at the end of January, reapplied for insurance, admitted himself to a detox center and then to a treatment center. When I saw him this afternoon, he was doing well and is happy to be where he is, working on his program. We went to 12-step program for the families and friends of addicts, and, in those rooms, over these years, we learned about detaching from our son with love. The anger we had about his continued use was replaced by compassion for his struggle. Our compassion was borne, in part, of stories we've heard from recovering addicts at our meetings. They share their experience, strength and hope with us, and we see that no matter how bleak and desperate the situation may be, there is hope. Of course, we've seen and experienced loss, but as long as our son is alive, as long as drugs have not killed him, we have hope. In our process, we've developed a strong appreciation for the need for setting and holding boundaries, and we've wrestled with the finer points of the difference between "helping" him and "enabling" him. On more than one occasion, we've told him he cannot come home, even for a short period of time, because he was using and gave no indication of a desire to stop. On other occasions, he's been at home, has slipped, and we've let him stay while he struggled to get his feet back under him. We've sworn we would not pay another attorney to represent him, only to pony up the retainer when he was faced with a prison term. We try to help when it seems that he is serious about getting into and staying in recovery, and we refuse help when it seems clear that he has no desire to stop and is doing nothing in furtherance of stopping. What we've come to know is that there is black and white in this and many more than 50 shades of gray. We try to do the very best we can for ourselves and our son based on our understanding of addiction, of our powerlessness over our son's addiction, and of what we believe will be helpful as opposed to enabling. We don't know what is in store, and we can't forecast how we will react when faced with it. We turn to our 12-step community for support because we find people who understand what we are going through and who listen without judgment. They help us to keep our hope alive, and they remind us never to say "never."
Stanm....I'm an addict... have fought this battle for more than 20 years ...this almost brought me to tears...Thanks for being here
Con
Con
Stan,
That was a powerful post. I totally agree that the answer is not black and white, but grey. I've helped and have held back as well. Thanks for saying it so eloquently.
That was a powerful post. I totally agree that the answer is not black and white, but grey. I've helped and have held back as well. Thanks for saying it so eloquently.
stan - thank you for such a compassionate post. my son is 27, 4months clean, living across the country. has not found a job. is now asking to come back home. he has a possible job offer from a previous employer back home here. we will welcome him back, but we are already feeling anxious and sleepless. we have hope - but don't want to go thru the same old stuff again and again. do you have any suggestions?
I think he feels the same as we do. nervous about coming back. but also happy about coming back. except briefly, he has not been home in 3 yrs. he hid the oxy addiction pretty well for a few years, until it snowballed and went out of control, 3 yrs ago. maybe that is part of the fear - knowing that he can hide it for a long time before we catch on.
he had been in a rehab/sober living at beginning of 2015 and again at beginning of 2016. each time for 3-5 months. currently, living w a relative where he has minimal to no access to drugs.
I think he feels the same as we do. nervous about coming back. but also happy about coming back. except briefly, he has not been home in 3 yrs. he hid the oxy addiction pretty well for a few years, until it snowballed and went out of control, 3 yrs ago. maybe that is part of the fear - knowing that he can hide it for a long time before we catch on.
he had been in a rehab/sober living at beginning of 2015 and again at beginning of 2016. each time for 3-5 months. currently, living w a relative where he has minimal to no access to drugs.
NyToFlorida - Suggestions imply knowledge, and like everyone else on this path, we started out flying blind, and still, after 17 years, dont really know anything other than we are powerless. So, I'll make some observations based on my experience, and I hope others who read these posts will do the same. If they are more confident in their experience, they can make "suggestions." These are things that I have observed:
- We (families of addicts) are no different than the addicts. We will continue to enable our addicted loved ones until we get sick and tired of being sick and tired. They will continue to use until they become sick and tired of being sick and tired. You often hear that they "have to hit a bottom." Well, so do we. We have to reach the point where we realize that we are working harder than they are to get them sober, that it isn't working now, and it never will work. That's when we finally detach from them and their addiction, and just love them. It's very simple, but it is not easy.
- We could never have done what we needed to do to protect our sanity without the support of the Nar-Anon program. There are other 12-step programs too: Alanon, Co-dependents Anonymous, Families Anonymous. Any of those programs help family members and friends cope with addiction in a loved one. Friends and family members who are not living with addiction are clueless, bless their hearts. They have no idea, no understanding of what this particular brand of hell is like, and why would they? It is unimaginable. It is unfathomable. Only people who have experienced this insanity can truly understand it and not be judgmental about it. We trod the path by ourselves for the first few years and felt alone, isolated and lost. We desperately needed understanding and compassion and we found it. The day we went to our first Nar-Anon meeting and heard others telling their stories that were our story, it changed, and we believe it saved, our lives. This kind of chaos over an extended period of time can kill you. We were going through it alone, but we didn't have to. No one does.
- When we took responsibility for our son, especially after he became an adult, we robbed him of opportunities to make decisions, and to make and learn from mistakes. Each time we stepped in to rescue him, the message we were sending was "You are not capable or competent." As we have stepped back, he has stepped up. He's very capable. We always knew that, but, out of fear, we didn't give him the opportunity to prove it to himself.
-Boundaries - understanding them, setting them and enforcing them - are indispensable. Many (probably most) of us are not very good at setting and keeping boundaries. After years of setting boundaries and really sucking at maintaining them, I learned something about them that had alluded me for all of that time - boundaries are for my protection - they are not a means by which I control my son's behavior. I set boundaries with my son for years that were meant to stop him from using drugs. When I finally figured out that a boundary was for my sake not his, I was finally able to say "It is too hard on me to watch you go through the cycle of use, detox, use, detox. If you continue with the cycle, you cannot stay here. It doesn't mean I don't love you or that I don't want to have a relationship with you. I just can be a witness to it." I believe he understood that. I accepted that he might choose to continue to use drugs. I just couldn't watch him do it anymore.
- Most jobs are beneath our son, according to him. They are too boring. He's too smart. (Some would say "arrogant.") He had the luxury of living with us while going to school and looking for a part time job in a laboratory which took months. When he lost that job because he was using again, we let him coast for an entire year without working because he was always "trying" to get sober, and he wouldn't "work just anywhere." He hasn't had a job now in almost 2 years. He's stocked shelves at an office supply company; he's been a barista; and, he's tutored in organic chemistry - one end of the spectrum to the other. When he HAS to have a job, however, he can find a job.
- In 17 years on this path, we don't know of any addict who has gotten sober without working some sort of a program. 12-step programs - AA, NA, CA, etc. - are the most common. Our son is an atheist. The concept of a higher power which is central to 12 step programs did not work for him. He found Smart Recovery, went through the facilitator training and embraced that program and its concepts. He is in a treatment center today that focuses mainly on Smart Recovery but also has 12-step meetings.
-Addicts are incredibly resourceful. Unless an addict is locked down in a facility, and even then there is no guarantee, they can always find a way to access drugs if they are intent on using. For years, we set our house alarm so that our son could not leave the house at night. He rewired the alarm system to bypass his door to the outside and, unbeknownst to us, came and went as he pleased.
So, I've gone on, perhaps for too long. I'll close by saying that there is a community of people out here who know exactly what you are going through. Tragically, the size of the community is growing exponentially. I hope you'll find the support you are looking for, and, in that support, the strength to do what you need to do. What's right for one may not be right for someone else, or it may not be right at this moment. As in all things, we do the best we can. I'm sure you have and you will.
- We (families of addicts) are no different than the addicts. We will continue to enable our addicted loved ones until we get sick and tired of being sick and tired. They will continue to use until they become sick and tired of being sick and tired. You often hear that they "have to hit a bottom." Well, so do we. We have to reach the point where we realize that we are working harder than they are to get them sober, that it isn't working now, and it never will work. That's when we finally detach from them and their addiction, and just love them. It's very simple, but it is not easy.
- We could never have done what we needed to do to protect our sanity without the support of the Nar-Anon program. There are other 12-step programs too: Alanon, Co-dependents Anonymous, Families Anonymous. Any of those programs help family members and friends cope with addiction in a loved one. Friends and family members who are not living with addiction are clueless, bless their hearts. They have no idea, no understanding of what this particular brand of hell is like, and why would they? It is unimaginable. It is unfathomable. Only people who have experienced this insanity can truly understand it and not be judgmental about it. We trod the path by ourselves for the first few years and felt alone, isolated and lost. We desperately needed understanding and compassion and we found it. The day we went to our first Nar-Anon meeting and heard others telling their stories that were our story, it changed, and we believe it saved, our lives. This kind of chaos over an extended period of time can kill you. We were going through it alone, but we didn't have to. No one does.
- When we took responsibility for our son, especially after he became an adult, we robbed him of opportunities to make decisions, and to make and learn from mistakes. Each time we stepped in to rescue him, the message we were sending was "You are not capable or competent." As we have stepped back, he has stepped up. He's very capable. We always knew that, but, out of fear, we didn't give him the opportunity to prove it to himself.
-Boundaries - understanding them, setting them and enforcing them - are indispensable. Many (probably most) of us are not very good at setting and keeping boundaries. After years of setting boundaries and really sucking at maintaining them, I learned something about them that had alluded me for all of that time - boundaries are for my protection - they are not a means by which I control my son's behavior. I set boundaries with my son for years that were meant to stop him from using drugs. When I finally figured out that a boundary was for my sake not his, I was finally able to say "It is too hard on me to watch you go through the cycle of use, detox, use, detox. If you continue with the cycle, you cannot stay here. It doesn't mean I don't love you or that I don't want to have a relationship with you. I just can be a witness to it." I believe he understood that. I accepted that he might choose to continue to use drugs. I just couldn't watch him do it anymore.
- Most jobs are beneath our son, according to him. They are too boring. He's too smart. (Some would say "arrogant.") He had the luxury of living with us while going to school and looking for a part time job in a laboratory which took months. When he lost that job because he was using again, we let him coast for an entire year without working because he was always "trying" to get sober, and he wouldn't "work just anywhere." He hasn't had a job now in almost 2 years. He's stocked shelves at an office supply company; he's been a barista; and, he's tutored in organic chemistry - one end of the spectrum to the other. When he HAS to have a job, however, he can find a job.
- In 17 years on this path, we don't know of any addict who has gotten sober without working some sort of a program. 12-step programs - AA, NA, CA, etc. - are the most common. Our son is an atheist. The concept of a higher power which is central to 12 step programs did not work for him. He found Smart Recovery, went through the facilitator training and embraced that program and its concepts. He is in a treatment center today that focuses mainly on Smart Recovery but also has 12-step meetings.
-Addicts are incredibly resourceful. Unless an addict is locked down in a facility, and even then there is no guarantee, they can always find a way to access drugs if they are intent on using. For years, we set our house alarm so that our son could not leave the house at night. He rewired the alarm system to bypass his door to the outside and, unbeknownst to us, came and went as he pleased.
So, I've gone on, perhaps for too long. I'll close by saying that there is a community of people out here who know exactly what you are going through. Tragically, the size of the community is growing exponentially. I hope you'll find the support you are looking for, and, in that support, the strength to do what you need to do. What's right for one may not be right for someone else, or it may not be right at this moment. As in all things, we do the best we can. I'm sure you have and you will.
Stan,
Thank you for this post. My son is 36 and many years of trying to do whatever I knew to help him. At the time I didn't understand NA-AA or any other family help. I hid my son's addiction , trying to deal with it myself. My excuses for him and did everything I could to stop it from progressing. He ended up in jail and use there also. He serve his time and had a chance to start over , he was young only 25. But he choose to start using within a month of being out. Ten years I kept him out, thousands of dollars and still didn't know where to go for help. I didn't understand that he needed to do it himself. I finally broke, both physically and financially.
H ended up in jail, he has a warrant on his head and has been gone for 13 months. He calls now and then just to say hi. And he feels me out for money, and tries the emotional blackmail. I am trying to figure it out, but I need money. I am hurt and need dr's, my teeth hurt. Same old stories.
Now I am in a good place and can walk away from him, like you said I can't stop it, and I have told J I won't watch you destroy your life. It's your life but you are not going to control mine anymore.He has done the 12 step numerous times, he probably could run a class himself, he has turned to god, however I think it's just a way to get something for nothing. When he does call my first words are. Hi, so good to hear from you I miss you. Tell me what you've been up to. It's never about me or his siblings all about him. :) something I have learned not to even interfere with his stories, because he only wants to talk about himself.
Then he has to go, and my words to him always
I will always love you. Take care of yourself and keep safe.
xx
Thank you for this post. My son is 36 and many years of trying to do whatever I knew to help him. At the time I didn't understand NA-AA or any other family help. I hid my son's addiction , trying to deal with it myself. My excuses for him and did everything I could to stop it from progressing. He ended up in jail and use there also. He serve his time and had a chance to start over , he was young only 25. But he choose to start using within a month of being out. Ten years I kept him out, thousands of dollars and still didn't know where to go for help. I didn't understand that he needed to do it himself. I finally broke, both physically and financially.
H ended up in jail, he has a warrant on his head and has been gone for 13 months. He calls now and then just to say hi. And he feels me out for money, and tries the emotional blackmail. I am trying to figure it out, but I need money. I am hurt and need dr's, my teeth hurt. Same old stories.
Now I am in a good place and can walk away from him, like you said I can't stop it, and I have told J I won't watch you destroy your life. It's your life but you are not going to control mine anymore.He has done the 12 step numerous times, he probably could run a class himself, he has turned to god, however I think it's just a way to get something for nothing. When he does call my first words are. Hi, so good to hear from you I miss you. Tell me what you've been up to. It's never about me or his siblings all about him. :) something I have learned not to even interfere with his stories, because he only wants to talk about himself.
Then he has to go, and my words to him always
I will always love you. Take care of yourself and keep safe.
xx
stan - everything you said is so true and familiar. thank you for sharing your observations.
I wish we could take the best of this website and write a book to help others!
I wish we could take the best of this website and write a book to help others!
Stanm, I'm new here and your post really hit home with me. I am sorry for the years of misery you and your family have had to endure, and happy to read that your son seems to be ready to help himself. I wish him success.
My son is 24 and for the past three weeks he has been in a cell in the mental health unit of the county jail because I refused to bail him out after he fled the scene of a hit and run, led state cops on a high speed chase and then crashed his car into theirs when they tried to box him in. He is in deep trouble, facing two counts of assault, class d violent felonies in the state where it happened. He was high at the time, coke/weed/xanax are his drugs of choice. Car was unregistered as well. He has no priors but there is a chance he could do time.
He has been begging me to bond him out, promising the moon, but I don't want to have to deal with him on the outside. I'm convinced that if he were to receive a jail sentence, he wouldn't show up, the cops would have to put out a warrant and it would all end very badly. At least his days in the holding jail would count toward his sentence. His attorney (public defender) seems to think he won't get jail time, but no one else I've spoken to is that confident.
He has depleted me of my resilience, my nerves and my money. I don't have the cash to hire a private lawyer so he is at the mercy of legal aid. I thank God that he didn't kill or seriously injure anyone. He is miserable locked in his cell, nothing to do except stare at the walls and listen to the other inmates yell and sing and scream all night. He's lost 8 lbs in two weeks. I put money in his phone account so he could reach me or his attorney. He never calls the attorney, calls me to beg to get him out.
I'm torn. I know he's manipulating me, and I know he's miserable, locked in a cell by himself 22 hours a day, no stimulation. He's always had psychiatric issues (as a child he had five inpatient hospitalizations) and I think that's why I've enabled him for so long, out of guilt for his lousy childhood and less-than-stellar parenting from his dad and me. Dad enabled until he suffered a stroke two years ago, then I was the only parent around to help. Now I've reached my threshhold of anguish and I'm not able to take on any more misery or stress. I need to be able to go to work every day and function, to be available to my two other young adult children, and to have some happiness in whatever time is left to me on this planet.
Last night I accepted a call from him and let him vent about the snakepit he's been living in. I don't want him to have a psychotic break, but I also don't want the burden of taking care of him on the outside. It doesn't do any good. He has no job, no car, I'm sure they'll take away his license, no place to live, other than with his druggie friends. So I told him that I would look into getting him into an inpatient substance abuse/mental health facility that takes his state medicaid as payment. In that case, I would bond him out if he went directly to the facility. The other option is waiting for the county jail to find him a bed in a facility that is under their jurisdiction, no telling how long that might take. Other than an initial intake interview with the prison shrink, he hasn't had any counseling, but they did put him back on antidepressant and antianxiety meds. He was arrested Feb. 15 and this is the longest period he's gone without at least smoking weed in 9 years.
He tried to call me again today and I wouldn't pick up. I'm going to visit him tomorrow morning at the jail. It is excruciating, but I want him to know that I love him no matter what.
My son is 24 and for the past three weeks he has been in a cell in the mental health unit of the county jail because I refused to bail him out after he fled the scene of a hit and run, led state cops on a high speed chase and then crashed his car into theirs when they tried to box him in. He is in deep trouble, facing two counts of assault, class d violent felonies in the state where it happened. He was high at the time, coke/weed/xanax are his drugs of choice. Car was unregistered as well. He has no priors but there is a chance he could do time.
He has been begging me to bond him out, promising the moon, but I don't want to have to deal with him on the outside. I'm convinced that if he were to receive a jail sentence, he wouldn't show up, the cops would have to put out a warrant and it would all end very badly. At least his days in the holding jail would count toward his sentence. His attorney (public defender) seems to think he won't get jail time, but no one else I've spoken to is that confident.
He has depleted me of my resilience, my nerves and my money. I don't have the cash to hire a private lawyer so he is at the mercy of legal aid. I thank God that he didn't kill or seriously injure anyone. He is miserable locked in his cell, nothing to do except stare at the walls and listen to the other inmates yell and sing and scream all night. He's lost 8 lbs in two weeks. I put money in his phone account so he could reach me or his attorney. He never calls the attorney, calls me to beg to get him out.
I'm torn. I know he's manipulating me, and I know he's miserable, locked in a cell by himself 22 hours a day, no stimulation. He's always had psychiatric issues (as a child he had five inpatient hospitalizations) and I think that's why I've enabled him for so long, out of guilt for his lousy childhood and less-than-stellar parenting from his dad and me. Dad enabled until he suffered a stroke two years ago, then I was the only parent around to help. Now I've reached my threshhold of anguish and I'm not able to take on any more misery or stress. I need to be able to go to work every day and function, to be available to my two other young adult children, and to have some happiness in whatever time is left to me on this planet.
Last night I accepted a call from him and let him vent about the snakepit he's been living in. I don't want him to have a psychotic break, but I also don't want the burden of taking care of him on the outside. It doesn't do any good. He has no job, no car, I'm sure they'll take away his license, no place to live, other than with his druggie friends. So I told him that I would look into getting him into an inpatient substance abuse/mental health facility that takes his state medicaid as payment. In that case, I would bond him out if he went directly to the facility. The other option is waiting for the county jail to find him a bed in a facility that is under their jurisdiction, no telling how long that might take. Other than an initial intake interview with the prison shrink, he hasn't had any counseling, but they did put him back on antidepressant and antianxiety meds. He was arrested Feb. 15 and this is the longest period he's gone without at least smoking weed in 9 years.
He tried to call me again today and I wouldn't pick up. I'm going to visit him tomorrow morning at the jail. It is excruciating, but I want him to know that I love him no matter what.
Stanm....as an addict and one who has loved and enabled addicts let me just say BRAVO! We could REALLY use YOU on this board.
Yes our addicts can apply for insurance, detox, assistance. rehab and everything else they may need!
I LOVE that you are able to turn your anger into compassion as I know how hard that is. As an addict it there TRULY IS A BATTLE GOING ON just about every day in our minds. Its terrifying an exhausting.
And YES YOU ARE NO DIFFERENT THEN THE ADDICT! Many of us have to reach our enabling bottom...wasted money...wasted time....no peace or sanity left.
I love how you said that you have figured out that boundaries were for YOU and not controlling your son!
I just want to say thank you for taking the time to write such an eloquent and spot on post!
BRAVO!!
Yes our addicts can apply for insurance, detox, assistance. rehab and everything else they may need!
I LOVE that you are able to turn your anger into compassion as I know how hard that is. As an addict it there TRULY IS A BATTLE GOING ON just about every day in our minds. Its terrifying an exhausting.
And YES YOU ARE NO DIFFERENT THEN THE ADDICT! Many of us have to reach our enabling bottom...wasted money...wasted time....no peace or sanity left.
I love how you said that you have figured out that boundaries were for YOU and not controlling your son!
I just want to say thank you for taking the time to write such an eloquent and spot on post!
BRAVO!!
NyToFlorida: Im wondering why (except for POSSIBLE job offer) that your son wants to come back? He can get a job anywhere if he really wants one. If he's sober and as you say living where he has minimal to no access to drugs why would you want to jeopardize that? He isnt even back yet and you are already starting to panic and "wondering" how you will "catch" him using by stating how he hid it so well last time. Red flags....
I wish you both the best!
I wish you both the best!
Hi Jen, Nice to see you back!
I deleted most of my post bc it was irrelevant. He is coming back for a confirmed job at a past employer.
Stan's information helps - going back to support system for him and us, boundaries which are easy to talk about, hard to enforce. keep communication open, and if it doesn't work out, he will have to leave. We all hope it works out!!!
the black and white of it is - live like everything's fine, or live like everything's not fine - reality is 50 shades of grey in between.
I wish I didn't need to be concerned about it, but from reading so many postings about people relapsing, I want to hope for the best, and be prepared for a relapse
I deleted most of my post bc it was irrelevant. He is coming back for a confirmed job at a past employer.
Stan's information helps - going back to support system for him and us, boundaries which are easy to talk about, hard to enforce. keep communication open, and if it doesn't work out, he will have to leave. We all hope it works out!!!
the black and white of it is - live like everything's fine, or live like everything's not fine - reality is 50 shades of grey in between.
I wish I didn't need to be concerned about it, but from reading so many postings about people relapsing, I want to hope for the best, and be prepared for a relapse
Bump
