I dont want to get too personal,& I dont like blaming my addictions on anyone but me because I do know Im the one who swollows the damn things.
But to those close to me they know.....Im ready to square off,be strong & start my life again.
Ive wasted 10 years I will never be able to get back,but damn it Im only 40 I can still be ANYTHING I choose to be.
I go for medical test tomarrow,& than I WILL get myself into therapy.Hopefully an addiction specialist but if not,some kind of F2F therapy.
All I ask of this board is IF Im having a bad day...which I know I will.What Im going through is like the death of a loved one & I realize there will be a grieving process.Anyways,all I ask is that when those hard days come...try to understand...Im just like everyone else...someone trying to find their way & improve their life.
Thanks
Sabrina
Hiya Molls ((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) jaxxx
Hey Jax alot going on BAD & GOOD
Ill have to update you tomarrow after my test on my breast.
Love Ya
Sabrina
How Are you sweet lady???
Ill have to update you tomarrow after my test on my breast.
Love Ya
Sabrina
How Are you sweet lady???
Sabrina, have I told you how proud I am of you? Well, there, I said it.
Keep up the good fight, there's gonna be good days and bad, that's life.
I love you lil sis!
Keep up the good fight, there's gonna be good days and bad, that's life.
I love you lil sis!
Sabrina the only way you WASTED 10 years of your life is you fail to learn from your past.
You have a disease.I have a disease . You learn to live with it. My past use-and recovery has made me a much better ,smarter caring loving Father--all due to my past
i cant tell you how much I have learned by being an addict and my history over the past 20 years. Its amazing.
TODAY is whats important. You cant go back so go forward full throttle
Take care--Jeff
You have a disease.I have a disease . You learn to live with it. My past use-and recovery has made me a much better ,smarter caring loving Father--all due to my past
i cant tell you how much I have learned by being an addict and my history over the past 20 years. Its amazing.
TODAY is whats important. You cant go back so go forward full throttle
Take care--Jeff
Jeff Im NOT trying to sound mean but THIS has NOTHING to do with drug.They at this point in my life mean NOTHING.I have things happening that I dont know how to even begin to make ok,
Emotionally Im screwed.Drug wise...for the first time in along time...Im doing good & they mean nothing
Sabrina...Sorry but a lecture on usen is NOT what will help right now as my usen is not an option.I have a beautiful dauter I need to figure how to get us to survive,
Emotionally Im screwed.Drug wise...for the first time in along time...Im doing good & they mean nothing
Sabrina...Sorry but a lecture on usen is NOT what will help right now as my usen is not an option.I have a beautiful dauter I need to figure how to get us to survive,
I have no clue exactly whats wrong. You wrote you wasted 10 yrs of your life. What didyou waste 10 yrs of your life doing?
A lecture?
Whatever is wrong hope it works out.
A lecture?
Whatever is wrong hope it works out.
Jeff Huny Like I said Im so sorry.
I finally decided to get rid of the emotional abuse the put downs & hurt that Mikey caused....My problem
aint pills.
My dear sister would rather me stay in a unhealthy relationship,one that I know in my heart had me abusing more than ever.I mean really.Ive been through it before & I knew when I started to believe what he was saying about me its was over.
Yet my sister my own blood is more worriedcabout 140 a week rent than if me & her own neice have food or just water to drink,
Mad hell yeah
scared YES
I refuse to jump from one guy to another just to pay her renty,.
So tomarrow ANYTHING I have to sell Im selling just so she leaves us alone.
Not to mention Im going today to check a lump on my breast that grew.
Im scared Jeff & feel so frickin lost.
All I want is to be able to give Anne & me only what we need,a place to live & food.
Im sorry but pills truley dont mean s*** to me right now.
I gotta go get ready to have this test.
Know anyone who would want to buy a 78 Camaro for 2000???
Sabrina
I finally decided to get rid of the emotional abuse the put downs & hurt that Mikey caused....My problem
aint pills.
My dear sister would rather me stay in a unhealthy relationship,one that I know in my heart had me abusing more than ever.I mean really.Ive been through it before & I knew when I started to believe what he was saying about me its was over.
Yet my sister my own blood is more worriedcabout 140 a week rent than if me & her own neice have food or just water to drink,
Mad hell yeah
scared YES
I refuse to jump from one guy to another just to pay her renty,.
So tomarrow ANYTHING I have to sell Im selling just so she leaves us alone.
Not to mention Im going today to check a lump on my breast that grew.
Im scared Jeff & feel so frickin lost.
All I want is to be able to give Anne & me only what we need,a place to live & food.
Im sorry but pills truley dont mean s*** to me right now.
I gotta go get ready to have this test.
Know anyone who would want to buy a 78 Camaro for 2000???
Sabrina
Why can't you just get a job, Sabrina? I relied on men to support me for a lot more years than you and there is nothing that feels better than earning your own paycheck. I never believed people when they told me that but I was sure wrong. I thought I enjoyed my life sitting at home being a "homemaker". I lived for a few years on SSI and I never felt better than the day I told them thank you but I don't need your help any more. If you have no skills why can't you go back to school? There are all kinds of government programs out there to help single parents get on their feet.
Kat...Dont you think Id work if I could?Im not going to explain it but Im sick...possiably real sick.
Starting today Im selling whatever jewery I have.Tomarrow though it will break my heart Im selling my beloved 22 rifle & golf clubs.
As for looking for help I have a list of website I need to look into,but my sister seems to be getting so much pleasure thinking I wont come up with her f***ing 140 this week.
Kat please know if I sound angry I am but not at you.The truth of it is though I know my addiction is mine,I feel you can realize that when you have someone you love & are faithful too putting you down everyday,it tends to make you WANT to drug it out.
Since (Actually my daughter threw him out)I dont even think about drugs
But DAMN it my daughter deserves to have food & at least some water.
If ever my health issues improve dont you think Ill work?
Do you know WHY I quit my last job???Health issues & being accused daily of messing with someone else JUST because we would sit out front & have our Cig break together.
10 years with Mikey & believe me when we started this man had such a beautiful heart,It seems as if once he got sober that heart turned to ice.
I refuse to be in a toxic relationship.Im stronger than that damn it.I DONT deserve what has been happening for at least 3 years,.Why stay 3 years longer...Ask my money hungry sister.
I gotta admit Im venting big time now.I dont want pity,I dont want to be rich
I just want me & Anne to be ok.
What about Amanda you may ask...Ive had to cut her totally out of my life as shes been ...lets see...snorting coke,taking riddleing,& oxy...All which are triggers for me.
Do you have ANY idea how much I miss her,yet I know if Im around her Ill use.Im better than that.
Kat Im sorry Im lost & so hurt.Its not as easy as running back to my xhusband.Im an addict yet NOT stupid.I know I need time to grieve & heal my heart.I dont have anything inside to give except to my Anne who wants to get a job to help out.DAMN IT its NOT her place to support & care for me.School MUST come first & Ill be damn if Ill allow her to through all her potential away.
As I said her art work is on expo in our local collage & she has been accepted for a special advanced art class for gifted artest,.
Im sorry I know Im venting but Im just f***ED.I truley thought if I was good & faithful to Mikey we'd work out.
But Ive realized he sees in Blk & white,I see in shades of grey./Neither is right or wrong but neither work together either.
I gotta go.I have to go have my breast test done & than try to sell some rare coins & whatever jewery I can.
Kat I know Im strong & things will get better but right now....it bites...& dont take this the wrong way...I know some of your history so if anyone can understand what Im feeling & trying to deal with SOBER...YES sober...I havent abused since he left...its you
Please know again Im NOT angry at you...Im angry at life
Love Sabrina
Starting today Im selling whatever jewery I have.Tomarrow though it will break my heart Im selling my beloved 22 rifle & golf clubs.
As for looking for help I have a list of website I need to look into,but my sister seems to be getting so much pleasure thinking I wont come up with her f***ing 140 this week.
Kat please know if I sound angry I am but not at you.The truth of it is though I know my addiction is mine,I feel you can realize that when you have someone you love & are faithful too putting you down everyday,it tends to make you WANT to drug it out.
Since (Actually my daughter threw him out)I dont even think about drugs
But DAMN it my daughter deserves to have food & at least some water.
If ever my health issues improve dont you think Ill work?
Do you know WHY I quit my last job???Health issues & being accused daily of messing with someone else JUST because we would sit out front & have our Cig break together.
10 years with Mikey & believe me when we started this man had such a beautiful heart,It seems as if once he got sober that heart turned to ice.
I refuse to be in a toxic relationship.Im stronger than that damn it.I DONT deserve what has been happening for at least 3 years,.Why stay 3 years longer...Ask my money hungry sister.
I gotta admit Im venting big time now.I dont want pity,I dont want to be rich
I just want me & Anne to be ok.
What about Amanda you may ask...Ive had to cut her totally out of my life as shes been ...lets see...snorting coke,taking riddleing,& oxy...All which are triggers for me.
Do you have ANY idea how much I miss her,yet I know if Im around her Ill use.Im better than that.
Kat Im sorry Im lost & so hurt.Its not as easy as running back to my xhusband.Im an addict yet NOT stupid.I know I need time to grieve & heal my heart.I dont have anything inside to give except to my Anne who wants to get a job to help out.DAMN IT its NOT her place to support & care for me.School MUST come first & Ill be damn if Ill allow her to through all her potential away.
As I said her art work is on expo in our local collage & she has been accepted for a special advanced art class for gifted artest,.
Im sorry I know Im venting but Im just f***ED.I truley thought if I was good & faithful to Mikey we'd work out.
But Ive realized he sees in Blk & white,I see in shades of grey./Neither is right or wrong but neither work together either.
I gotta go.I have to go have my breast test done & than try to sell some rare coins & whatever jewery I can.
Kat I know Im strong & things will get better but right now....it bites...& dont take this the wrong way...I know some of your history so if anyone can understand what Im feeling & trying to deal with SOBER...YES sober...I havent abused since he left...its you
Please know again Im NOT angry at you...Im angry at life
Love Sabrina
School MUST come first & Ill be damn if Ill allow her to through all her potential away.
What about YOUR potential? What about YOU? How can you take care of HER when you can't take care of YOU? When they give the instructions on a plane about the oxygen masks they tell mothers to take care of themselves before their children because if the mothers are incapacitated they cannot help anyone. If you don't get your s*** together you are no help to anyone.
What about YOUR potential? What about YOU? How can you take care of HER when you can't take care of YOU? When they give the instructions on a plane about the oxygen masks they tell mothers to take care of themselves before their children because if the mothers are incapacitated they cannot help anyone. If you don't get your s*** together you are no help to anyone.
MJ, would a phone call help? Ya know I found my headset so I won't have to hold onto the phone. Supper is in the crockpot and I'm sitting here toothless LOL Just say the word and the phone will be ringing!
On second thought I just glued them into my head and gonna get changed so I won't feel like a slug.
Sabrina, concentrate on your physical and mental health right now. You already gave your self a painintheazzectomy. Be strong honey, I know that you are. Get all these physical probs taken care of, make an appt with a therapist and everything will start to fall into place. You don't need no stinkin' man to take care of you. Everything happens for a reason. Do what you need to do for you first, be selfish girl, you have to be for recovery and you are such a worthy, loving, caring person.
BTW yup, I tried to call...check out my list...LOL
On second thought I just glued them into my head and gonna get changed so I won't feel like a slug.
Sabrina, concentrate on your physical and mental health right now. You already gave your self a painintheazzectomy. Be strong honey, I know that you are. Get all these physical probs taken care of, make an appt with a therapist and everything will start to fall into place. You don't need no stinkin' man to take care of you. Everything happens for a reason. Do what you need to do for you first, be selfish girl, you have to be for recovery and you are such a worthy, loving, caring person.
BTW yup, I tried to call...check out my list...LOL
changes are occuring in your life sabrina and i pray that they are soon to be in the right direction for you.
lets see if i can share with you what i have learned and this is only directed at me and i hope you and the others might be helped.
1. i blamed everyone for my problems, if you hadn't done this to me or said that to me...
2.i allowed people free rent in my head
3. i suffered from low self esteem
4 i controlled everything and everyone, it made me feel safe
5 i people pleased everyone for love
6 i put myself in so many bad situations to find love, i CRAVE it.
7 i am terrified of authority and what people think of me,
i am so GRATEFUL for today. those stressors come and go on a weekly basis and like janet said it is life, life on lifes terms.
i never want to go back, i have learned so much, i cant go back there.
relapse i know will lurk for the rest of my life, but i do know one thing i NEVER will go back to that person i was when i first sought recovery and that can never be taken from me.
its kinda like when you learn to ride a bike for the first time,once learned you never go back to how you were before you rode that bike.
and again i am truly grateful,
i think i am strong enough today to say that i never will allow anyone to treat me like a doormat again.
it is their loss, the people that wronged me, i am getting out the resentments as i type this, doing my 4th step.
and vengenance is mine sayeth the Lord, it is up to God to decide if they wiill ever be punished for the awful treatment i endured, i use to want to pay them back so to speak, but not today, the more i continue to be good to my fellow man and walk in the light of Christ, i will shine!
i absolutely LOVE what i have learned, it was thru God, you people, NA and working the steps where i have gained a whole wealth of knowledge and i so look forward to what more will i learn? i have ALOT more work to do, but if i take it in babysteps and live just for today, i will flourish, i know that i get so scared sometimes because there will be alot more pain to come, but i have to be strong! i get that strength from God and i know i couldn't do it without that security blanket that God gives me.
sunday when i left my comfort zone to travel to a city far from my home to see my niece get baptized i learned a new lesson, anxiety,,,,oooh thats a bad one for me, to keep this panic/anxiety disorder under control i would not allow my brain to focus on the what if's like i always torment myself with prior to something that scares me. everytime it tried to pop up in my head, i pushed it out,really what do i gain by worry? absolutely NOTHIN!G! i have learned to turn to prayer now even more...asking God to guide and direct my path with every decision and it works! that is if you believe and its the Lords will to do so.
anyway, i was armed with my mapquest print out, the weather was bad, raining and flooding on the roads and huge potholes everywhere! as i was finally approaching the city, my anxiety wanted to run rampant, but i kept praying please Lord, help me find the church, please God... help me to stay calm and please may i arrive on time.
i was expecting the church to be on the right hand side of the road and in a mere instant something caught my eye and made me look to the left, it was the CHURCH!!!! i could of so easily passed it and gotton lost and arrive late, but God led me there and on time!!!!
i prayed Lord, help there to be peace among my estranged family at the church and there was, i prayed Lord help there to be peace at my brothers house for the post-baptismal luncheon and there was, i prayed dear Lord please bring me home safely and help me not to get lost and He did!!!!! Jesus knew the awful stressful week i had endured and He saw fit that i have a nice relaxing day, once i was in the presence of the "enemies" i had on my whole armor of Christ plus all my knowledge i have learned in recovery and i want to tell you all that that felt FANTASTIC!!!
these are the baby steps i have learned molly, last week i thought i would die as i had to ride that rollercoaster when it went down, but then the roller coaster usually comes back up and just for today i am on the top of that rollercoaster ride.
my father did touch me at the party and thank God it wasnt in an appropriate way, but i still feel uneasy about it, i was totally caught off guard as i was able to hide in the crowd of people to avoid him and he was trying to wash his hands at the kitchen sink and he poked me in the side and said excuse me, most people wouldnt have given that a second thought but in my situation it was wrong! he needs to learn that he is not allowed to lay one finger on me and i feel a little bad because i still do not have the strength to smack him! meaning nightmares still haunt me that my hands and arms are too weak to fiight him off and it scares me to ask myself do i have the strength to fight him off in real life?
ok i need to be honest here and say that i did have a wonderful day and felt good that i had acquired some strength here but it did hurt to see how much they tried to avoid me and were all over my brother and sister and their new grandaughter, all because i am trying with all my heart and soul to improve my life. this is where detachment has got to come into play.
my mom had the wrenching in her jaws that come from opiate use and she is still using, i am powerless over her and i tried to intervene at the nursing home where she was for the last 5 weeks for a broken ankle that came from her many many falls, but i am so dizzy she says, if i had help around here i wouldnt fall...
uh, come on here mom, maybe tranquilzers taken 3x a day could be attributing to your dizziness??? but daddy dearest and sister still enable her. i am powerless, i am powerless i AM powerless.
i am sure she probably got a nice script of pain pills too when she was released because it sure showed in her jaw action and cotton mouth, again i am powerless, see i thought that word powerless comes into play about drugs like it says in step one, but i have learned that it pertains to people places and things too. if i allowed it, my mom would have me in the looney bin when she tries to put the guilt on me that no one helps her. but today i am not guilty anymore and my sister is so caught up in the guilt that she is angry at me because i wont join her! I used to take her insults about my addiction and she insulted my moms addiction to pain pills as well, but guess who drinks herself to sleep everynight with vodka and wine??? she doesnt seem to understand that alcohol IS A DRUG!!!!
OK, i need to close before i go off into a rant here, but molly i just wanted to post this in hopes that you could see that you are not alone.
is there anyway you could get some assistance like food stamps or low income housing? there has got to be a way so you and anne arent hungry.
i pray you are headed in the right direction, try and look at it as the light at the end of the tunnel now becoming visible to you.
i pray that the lumps are just fibro-cystic.
that took some real guts to kick mikey out and try to survive on your own, God will see you through this molly, just ask and the door will be opened, seek and ye shall find, that is my hopeshot for today! peace be with you! love jewels
lets see if i can share with you what i have learned and this is only directed at me and i hope you and the others might be helped.
1. i blamed everyone for my problems, if you hadn't done this to me or said that to me...
2.i allowed people free rent in my head
3. i suffered from low self esteem
4 i controlled everything and everyone, it made me feel safe
5 i people pleased everyone for love
6 i put myself in so many bad situations to find love, i CRAVE it.
7 i am terrified of authority and what people think of me,
i am so GRATEFUL for today. those stressors come and go on a weekly basis and like janet said it is life, life on lifes terms.
i never want to go back, i have learned so much, i cant go back there.
relapse i know will lurk for the rest of my life, but i do know one thing i NEVER will go back to that person i was when i first sought recovery and that can never be taken from me.
its kinda like when you learn to ride a bike for the first time,once learned you never go back to how you were before you rode that bike.
and again i am truly grateful,
i think i am strong enough today to say that i never will allow anyone to treat me like a doormat again.
it is their loss, the people that wronged me, i am getting out the resentments as i type this, doing my 4th step.
and vengenance is mine sayeth the Lord, it is up to God to decide if they wiill ever be punished for the awful treatment i endured, i use to want to pay them back so to speak, but not today, the more i continue to be good to my fellow man and walk in the light of Christ, i will shine!
i absolutely LOVE what i have learned, it was thru God, you people, NA and working the steps where i have gained a whole wealth of knowledge and i so look forward to what more will i learn? i have ALOT more work to do, but if i take it in babysteps and live just for today, i will flourish, i know that i get so scared sometimes because there will be alot more pain to come, but i have to be strong! i get that strength from God and i know i couldn't do it without that security blanket that God gives me.
sunday when i left my comfort zone to travel to a city far from my home to see my niece get baptized i learned a new lesson, anxiety,,,,oooh thats a bad one for me, to keep this panic/anxiety disorder under control i would not allow my brain to focus on the what if's like i always torment myself with prior to something that scares me. everytime it tried to pop up in my head, i pushed it out,really what do i gain by worry? absolutely NOTHIN!G! i have learned to turn to prayer now even more...asking God to guide and direct my path with every decision and it works! that is if you believe and its the Lords will to do so.
anyway, i was armed with my mapquest print out, the weather was bad, raining and flooding on the roads and huge potholes everywhere! as i was finally approaching the city, my anxiety wanted to run rampant, but i kept praying please Lord, help me find the church, please God... help me to stay calm and please may i arrive on time.
i was expecting the church to be on the right hand side of the road and in a mere instant something caught my eye and made me look to the left, it was the CHURCH!!!! i could of so easily passed it and gotton lost and arrive late, but God led me there and on time!!!!
i prayed Lord, help there to be peace among my estranged family at the church and there was, i prayed Lord help there to be peace at my brothers house for the post-baptismal luncheon and there was, i prayed dear Lord please bring me home safely and help me not to get lost and He did!!!!! Jesus knew the awful stressful week i had endured and He saw fit that i have a nice relaxing day, once i was in the presence of the "enemies" i had on my whole armor of Christ plus all my knowledge i have learned in recovery and i want to tell you all that that felt FANTASTIC!!!
these are the baby steps i have learned molly, last week i thought i would die as i had to ride that rollercoaster when it went down, but then the roller coaster usually comes back up and just for today i am on the top of that rollercoaster ride.
my father did touch me at the party and thank God it wasnt in an appropriate way, but i still feel uneasy about it, i was totally caught off guard as i was able to hide in the crowd of people to avoid him and he was trying to wash his hands at the kitchen sink and he poked me in the side and said excuse me, most people wouldnt have given that a second thought but in my situation it was wrong! he needs to learn that he is not allowed to lay one finger on me and i feel a little bad because i still do not have the strength to smack him! meaning nightmares still haunt me that my hands and arms are too weak to fiight him off and it scares me to ask myself do i have the strength to fight him off in real life?
ok i need to be honest here and say that i did have a wonderful day and felt good that i had acquired some strength here but it did hurt to see how much they tried to avoid me and were all over my brother and sister and their new grandaughter, all because i am trying with all my heart and soul to improve my life. this is where detachment has got to come into play.
my mom had the wrenching in her jaws that come from opiate use and she is still using, i am powerless over her and i tried to intervene at the nursing home where she was for the last 5 weeks for a broken ankle that came from her many many falls, but i am so dizzy she says, if i had help around here i wouldnt fall...
uh, come on here mom, maybe tranquilzers taken 3x a day could be attributing to your dizziness??? but daddy dearest and sister still enable her. i am powerless, i am powerless i AM powerless.
i am sure she probably got a nice script of pain pills too when she was released because it sure showed in her jaw action and cotton mouth, again i am powerless, see i thought that word powerless comes into play about drugs like it says in step one, but i have learned that it pertains to people places and things too. if i allowed it, my mom would have me in the looney bin when she tries to put the guilt on me that no one helps her. but today i am not guilty anymore and my sister is so caught up in the guilt that she is angry at me because i wont join her! I used to take her insults about my addiction and she insulted my moms addiction to pain pills as well, but guess who drinks herself to sleep everynight with vodka and wine??? she doesnt seem to understand that alcohol IS A DRUG!!!!
OK, i need to close before i go off into a rant here, but molly i just wanted to post this in hopes that you could see that you are not alone.
is there anyway you could get some assistance like food stamps or low income housing? there has got to be a way so you and anne arent hungry.
i pray you are headed in the right direction, try and look at it as the light at the end of the tunnel now becoming visible to you.
i pray that the lumps are just fibro-cystic.
that took some real guts to kick mikey out and try to survive on your own, God will see you through this molly, just ask and the door will be opened, seek and ye shall find, that is my hopeshot for today! peace be with you! love jewels
Janet thank you for the offer but I just dont feel like talking.I think Im going to check into these emergency websites for help.
My breast test looks good so thats one less thing to stress about.
I have no choice with my little s***.Shes staying in town after school to look for work.I just hate the though of her doing that.
My sister is still on my butt which I can understand but you would think just once she would ask if we are ok?Instead she says...Oh you should of stayed with him & used him...Sorry Im not her I would hate myself more for doing that.
I saw my SIL at the hospital & she thinks she may know someone who will buy the Camaro so at least it will shut Steph up right.
Anyways,tomarrow Im going to try & sell some more things than Ill be home as Josh comes over tomarrow & Top Model starts tomarrow night.
Who would of thought that leaving Mikey would of brought me leaps & bounds as far as my addiction?My head is clear as it MUST be.
Im going to look for help online but also Im going to look for a job.The only thing BAD about that is they cut my foodstamps.
Also Ive desided Ive had enough.Amandas father owes me 15,000 yup 15,000 $ & Im going to start the court process to get something.
I soled a bunch of my jewelry today...I only got 30.00 but hell its enough for denture glue & some drinks.
Day by day minute by minute.As hard as this is its still better than living with someone who emotionally & mentally drains me.
Thing will get better I KNOW this.I MUST believe this.
Maybe we can talk tomarrow ok?Like I said I want to look into some of these websites & than paint for awhile.I havent worked on my paintings for awhile & I think it will be a good stress release.
Love Ya J
Sabrina
My breast test looks good so thats one less thing to stress about.
I have no choice with my little s***.Shes staying in town after school to look for work.I just hate the though of her doing that.
My sister is still on my butt which I can understand but you would think just once she would ask if we are ok?Instead she says...Oh you should of stayed with him & used him...Sorry Im not her I would hate myself more for doing that.
I saw my SIL at the hospital & she thinks she may know someone who will buy the Camaro so at least it will shut Steph up right.
Anyways,tomarrow Im going to try & sell some more things than Ill be home as Josh comes over tomarrow & Top Model starts tomarrow night.
Who would of thought that leaving Mikey would of brought me leaps & bounds as far as my addiction?My head is clear as it MUST be.
Im going to look for help online but also Im going to look for a job.The only thing BAD about that is they cut my foodstamps.
Also Ive desided Ive had enough.Amandas father owes me 15,000 yup 15,000 $ & Im going to start the court process to get something.
I soled a bunch of my jewelry today...I only got 30.00 but hell its enough for denture glue & some drinks.
Day by day minute by minute.As hard as this is its still better than living with someone who emotionally & mentally drains me.
Thing will get better I KNOW this.I MUST believe this.
Maybe we can talk tomarrow ok?Like I said I want to look into some of these websites & than paint for awhile.I havent worked on my paintings for awhile & I think it will be a good stress release.
Love Ya J
Sabrina
I understand Sabrina, I'm glad to see you getting proactive in taking care of yourself and your daughter. Yeah, we can yak whenever you feel like it. Painting sounds like it would be something soothing for you. Take some "me" time.
Glad to hear the test results seem okay.
I have to take it easy on typing today, having pain in my hands. I really need to hit the red X and get some rest anyway.
Have a good day sweetie!
Glad to hear the test results seem okay.
I have to take it easy on typing today, having pain in my hands. I really need to hit the red X and get some rest anyway.
Have a good day sweetie!
Jules,
Thank You,
For sharing your testimony about what the Lord has done for you. It has touched my heart. You have come along way in your recovery. I hope it will be a beacon of light for someone else. I will continue to keep you in my prayer's dear one.
I have been given the gift of EMDR my therapist is trained and certified in it. It helps move disturbing memories from your right and left brain hemisheres so you don't have to relive the nightmares of abuse anymore. It works Julie. You can become a survivor, not a victim anymore.
Know that these awful things that happened to you are not God's way, but man's way. We will all have to answer to him one day. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. Keep praying Jules as your prayer's are being answered in his perfect timing.
God Bless You
Thank You,
For sharing your testimony about what the Lord has done for you. It has touched my heart. You have come along way in your recovery. I hope it will be a beacon of light for someone else. I will continue to keep you in my prayer's dear one.
I have been given the gift of EMDR my therapist is trained and certified in it. It helps move disturbing memories from your right and left brain hemisheres so you don't have to relive the nightmares of abuse anymore. It works Julie. You can become a survivor, not a victim anymore.
Know that these awful things that happened to you are not God's way, but man's way. We will all have to answer to him one day. Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life. Keep praying Jules as your prayer's are being answered in his perfect timing.
God Bless You
Wow Man I am lost.
What is all this selling stuff? The IRS after you? A goombah after you otherwise??
M.J your all over the place. I am off to my dads 75th b.day bit saw this thread still going and M.J what exactly is going on?
I am having a major blonde moment --
You sound like youn eed to slow thr heck down and seek some counseling and help.
What is all this selling stuff? The IRS after you? A goombah after you otherwise??
M.J your all over the place. I am off to my dads 75th b.day bit saw this thread still going and M.J what exactly is going on?
I am having a major blonde moment --
You sound like youn eed to slow thr heck down and seek some counseling and help.
Hey Jeff Im sure its confusining & for that I am sorry Even without usen & abusing my mind is very mixed up.
See when I kicked Mikey out he left me & Anne with no $$$ at all so I needed to sell things(jewelry mainly)for gas,& drinks & such.Plus my sister keeps harping about rent which I pay weekly.My sister flat out said to me I should of just stayed with Mikey & used him for $$$ but thats just not me.That plus I realized that mine & Mikeys relationship is very toxic & harmful for me.So for as hard as it is $$$ wise I needed to end it.
We know between my health issues & my addiction issues I have more than enough to try & get a grip.Ive been in an abusive relationship before (though that was more Physical)so even though it took me awhile(probaly because I didnt want to let go,as a friend said to me I NEED to be selfish & heal me otherwise Im no good to Anne.
As far as therapy YES YES YES...Ive been looking as has my X SIL for an addiction spevialist if not DEF a f2f therapist
Its scarey ,,,,true to reach inside but I feel I need to do this,
Funny Jeff without Mikey here that tension has just disappated.
To put it simply for you Jeff....Sunday after 10 years of being together & alot BS & hurting on both sides Mikey & I have split & for good.I always told him once I was done I was.Our relatioship has been bad for awhile,but like alot of people I think we both kept trying to hold on hoping things would improve.But things werent.And as Ive said & I dont like saying this.Bcause I know Im the addict,I take full resopnsabilty for popping pills,but Id have to say with the issues that have been happening for the past 6mth or so Ive been usen more & more trying to deal(even though that probaly made things harder.)
Since he's been gone (since Sunday) Ive been doig so very good staying accountable,taking what I should & how I should.The tension & walking on eggshells really has eased up.
Anyways,Happy Birthday to your dad.I know how much you care for him & I wish him all the love & happiness in the wold.
Im signing off for the night,but Jeff I believe you still have my addy if youd like to write.If you lost it Stacey...Jimmyjangles has it.
I hope you have a nice night with your folks.
Take Care & sorry for cofusing you....you think YOUR confused....switch lives for a day
love Sabrina
See when I kicked Mikey out he left me & Anne with no $$$ at all so I needed to sell things(jewelry mainly)for gas,& drinks & such.Plus my sister keeps harping about rent which I pay weekly.My sister flat out said to me I should of just stayed with Mikey & used him for $$$ but thats just not me.That plus I realized that mine & Mikeys relationship is very toxic & harmful for me.So for as hard as it is $$$ wise I needed to end it.
We know between my health issues & my addiction issues I have more than enough to try & get a grip.Ive been in an abusive relationship before (though that was more Physical)so even though it took me awhile(probaly because I didnt want to let go,as a friend said to me I NEED to be selfish & heal me otherwise Im no good to Anne.
As far as therapy YES YES YES...Ive been looking as has my X SIL for an addiction spevialist if not DEF a f2f therapist
Its scarey ,,,,true to reach inside but I feel I need to do this,
Funny Jeff without Mikey here that tension has just disappated.
To put it simply for you Jeff....Sunday after 10 years of being together & alot BS & hurting on both sides Mikey & I have split & for good.I always told him once I was done I was.Our relatioship has been bad for awhile,but like alot of people I think we both kept trying to hold on hoping things would improve.But things werent.And as Ive said & I dont like saying this.Bcause I know Im the addict,I take full resopnsabilty for popping pills,but Id have to say with the issues that have been happening for the past 6mth or so Ive been usen more & more trying to deal(even though that probaly made things harder.)
Since he's been gone (since Sunday) Ive been doig so very good staying accountable,taking what I should & how I should.The tension & walking on eggshells really has eased up.
Anyways,Happy Birthday to your dad.I know how much you care for him & I wish him all the love & happiness in the wold.
Im signing off for the night,but Jeff I believe you still have my addy if youd like to write.If you lost it Stacey...Jimmyjangles has it.
I hope you have a nice night with your folks.
Take Care & sorry for cofusing you....you think YOUR confused....switch lives for a day
love Sabrina
Sabrina please lose the word SORRY-you have nothing to be sorry about. Your sister is ?? your landlord? do you have a lease? I foyu have a lease you have 3 months before they can evict you and that is plenty of time to find your own place. i am not sure of your arrangement with your sister but where is the sisterly love?
Do you have any friends who will help? Other family?
Selling your belongings is not going to do anything except by yourself a little time. You need to plan a way to live on your own. There are gov agencies / friends? family etc.
Pawning off your belongings is crazy. Slow down--go to s meeting and ask for help. Addicts will help fellow addicts.
Maybe yo ucant work today but tommorow? Your going a million miles an hour.
Your sister what can she do yto you if you tell her you cant pay her rent. Hey sis how bout some help? If no well what can she do. Do not pawn your stuff as you will regret it.
Start taking positive actions and stop feeling sorry for yourself. i know how you feel. as I blamed and looked to take the easy way out. Sooner or later you grow up sabrina and since you have a child you better start getting positive.
You can seek help from your church/ temple //salvation army --etc etc
Forgive the spelling my daughters want the computer but you think hard before selling off your precious items.-DONT DO IT
Do you have any friends who will help? Other family?
Selling your belongings is not going to do anything except by yourself a little time. You need to plan a way to live on your own. There are gov agencies / friends? family etc.
Pawning off your belongings is crazy. Slow down--go to s meeting and ask for help. Addicts will help fellow addicts.
Maybe yo ucant work today but tommorow? Your going a million miles an hour.
Your sister what can she do yto you if you tell her you cant pay her rent. Hey sis how bout some help? If no well what can she do. Do not pawn your stuff as you will regret it.
Start taking positive actions and stop feeling sorry for yourself. i know how you feel. as I blamed and looked to take the easy way out. Sooner or later you grow up sabrina and since you have a child you better start getting positive.
You can seek help from your church/ temple //salvation army --etc etc
Forgive the spelling my daughters want the computer but you think hard before selling off your precious items.-DONT DO IT
Speaking of my child I need to go pick her up.Jeff you are right my mind is going 1 million miles an hour & THATS without any extra drugs.
Im just real lost.Not trying to feel sorry for myself,though rereading these post it does seem that way.
Im just lost & trying to figure everything out at once....which I know is fruitless.One thing at a time...I know I know.
As far as meetings,as Ive said I myself would prefer a private therapst/addiction specialist so I have been looking so has my X SIL who works in the hospital here.
As I keep saying....Im an addict true but dum....no.I know I just cannot handle or try to fix everything myself & need some guideness.
Anyways,my beauty awaits.
Please feel free to email me though I wont be back on again until morning.
Jeff I hope you have a nice tome with your dad & mom...youve made it clear many times over how special they are to you
Take Care
Sabrina
Im just real lost.Not trying to feel sorry for myself,though rereading these post it does seem that way.
Im just lost & trying to figure everything out at once....which I know is fruitless.One thing at a time...I know I know.
As far as meetings,as Ive said I myself would prefer a private therapst/addiction specialist so I have been looking so has my X SIL who works in the hospital here.
As I keep saying....Im an addict true but dum....no.I know I just cannot handle or try to fix everything myself & need some guideness.
Anyways,my beauty awaits.
Please feel free to email me though I wont be back on again until morning.
Jeff I hope you have a nice tome with your dad & mom...youve made it clear many times over how special they are to you
Take Care
Sabrina