I never thought it would happen to our family but it has.
I'm a retired 33yr Police Officer. For over 3 decades I personally witnessed the hell & turmoil that addicts and their families go through. I consoled parents after removing their children from the house, arresting them and notifying them of their child's death from drugs.
We have 4 children. All were raised equally, they were all given equal opportunities, we encouraged them, loved them, provided for them, whatever we could do, we did it. All had the same rules. No drugs, no alcohol, no smoking, you went to school, you were respectful of us & each other. For 3 of them, there were no problems.
When our addict son entered high school we noticed the signs of drug use. His marks fell along with his grades. Numerous times we did drug sweeps of his room, throwing out drugs, pipes, alcohol. He was grounded, privileges taken away but he just didn't care.
Eventually he got his first suspension for having a pipe in his locker, then eventually he was kicked out permanently for drug use.
Things continued to spiral. He became disrespectful, stole money from us and a sibling his room resembled a crack house.
Recently I did another drug sweep and threw out more drugs, garbage littered his room, empty liquor bottles hidden in his closet, water bottles full of urine were hidden in his closet because he was either too high or lazy to leave his room to walk across the hall to the bathroom.
He refuses to see counsellors, psychologists. He refused to even attempt to look for a job....we had become his enablers.
My wife and I decided it was time to tell him to leave. Our plan was to give him 2 weeks notice, but that changed. He became angry with me because I had invaded his privacy. He left a note telling me this and if I ever did it again he would burn down my f'n house. I also discovered that he had slashed the tires on my bike.
That was it. I called the police as I no longer trusted him and had him removed from the house.
He has been couch surfing for a couple of weeks after getting asked to leave from my daughters house after she had graciously taken him in. He no longer contacts anyone and from what I hear he is still doing a smorgasbord of drugs.
I'm fairly certain that he doesn't have a rock bottom as he just doesn't care about anyone, anything or even himself. I hope and pray for a miracle but I am a realist as well after having watched similar scenarios play out during my policing career. Most of them didn't end well and I've told my wife that we need to prepare for that very possible outcome.
It hurts not having him home. I miss the child that we had before all of this but realize that wasn't the child that I kicked out. Love is tough but tough love is even harder. We have come to realize that we have done or attempted to do everything that we could for him. We can not change him nor are we responsible for his choices in life.
We are trying to get on with our post retirement lives but it isn't easy.
Btw we live in Canada where at age 16 parental rights and being able to influence your Children begins to diminish. At age 18, as immature as that age is, they are considered adults.
I have a very difficult time with tough love. I can only see the beautiful children we raised in a loving family and I see the future they could have. I see the people they could be. I am still in denial with my own three drug addict young adults. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I have no answers, and no advise. But I am trying to gain the courage to kick out my two remaining children (one is already in prison) because their addictions are beginning to rule my life! We have grandchildren. They have children. We never thought we would be here. I have read several similar stories and there are no easy answers. Maybe even no answers. What I have learned from the last 3 years is that when We keep doing the same thing over and over, nothing changes. Somehow I hoped it would. I hoped that if I loved them enough, or helped and supported enough, I could make the difference. I am learning that that is called enabling. Good luck to you and me in our tough road ahead!
Jiggs-
I know the pain, anger, disgust, frustration, disappointment and shame you must feel. I, too, am involved in the legal world and prosecute drug users. My 20 y.o. daughter (who clearly has used my stories to her advantage; she has talked her way out of many an incident with the police so she's never been arrested. She'd make a great lawyer.) was raised well. We went to church. She went to private and boarding school. She was involved in cheerleading, Girl Scouts, piano. She went to summer camp. We took family vacations. We told her she was loved every day. She got an academic scholarship to college. In December, she dropped out of college because of heroin and moved home. When we gave her an ultimatum in March, she chose to move 1,000 miles away to go to inpatient detox. She's still 1,00 miles away, she's graduated to a halfway house, she doesn't have a job (she has no skills), but is about 2 weeks clean now. It's taken her 3 months to get 2 weeks clean (of heroin; she's now smoking weed.)
I say all of this to say I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM. Dealing with an adult addict child is hard. But dealing with an uneducated, immature, dependent person who is at the beginning of their life, young adult, addict child is horrible. Remember the 3 C's. Chant them if you must: I didn't cause it; I can't control it; and I can't cure it.
I'm praying for you, your wife and your son.
Be strong!
I know the pain, anger, disgust, frustration, disappointment and shame you must feel. I, too, am involved in the legal world and prosecute drug users. My 20 y.o. daughter (who clearly has used my stories to her advantage; she has talked her way out of many an incident with the police so she's never been arrested. She'd make a great lawyer.) was raised well. We went to church. She went to private and boarding school. She was involved in cheerleading, Girl Scouts, piano. She went to summer camp. We took family vacations. We told her she was loved every day. She got an academic scholarship to college. In December, she dropped out of college because of heroin and moved home. When we gave her an ultimatum in March, she chose to move 1,000 miles away to go to inpatient detox. She's still 1,00 miles away, she's graduated to a halfway house, she doesn't have a job (she has no skills), but is about 2 weeks clean now. It's taken her 3 months to get 2 weeks clean (of heroin; she's now smoking weed.)
I say all of this to say I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU ARE COMING FROM. Dealing with an adult addict child is hard. But dealing with an uneducated, immature, dependent person who is at the beginning of their life, young adult, addict child is horrible. Remember the 3 C's. Chant them if you must: I didn't cause it; I can't control it; and I can't cure it.
I'm praying for you, your wife and your son.
Be strong!
Thank you both for your comments.
The guilt is probably the worst emotion. We feel that we have somehow failed him, that we missed something, that we didn't do enough for him and that we need to keep trying to make things right.
But you're absolutely correct and the chant is a great reminder, "I didn't cause it; I can't control it; and I can't cure it."
We too sacrificed and sent all of our children to private schools, not easy on a cops salary, but we wanted to give them the best shot at life that we could by giving them a solid foundation in which to build their lives.
Drugs are insidious. For those that believe there is no issue with legalizing weed, I will argue to my death that there are huge implications. For my child and countless others (I have seen this over and over in my career as a cop) this was his gateway drug to his and our personal hell.
We had offered to take him back in and help him get back on course but only after he enrolled in and successfully completed an inpatient 12 month rehab program. He refused.
He is on a path of self destruction and as so many other parents and loved ones of addicts have said, it is one of the most heart & gut wrenching experiences families can go through.
The guilt is probably the worst emotion. We feel that we have somehow failed him, that we missed something, that we didn't do enough for him and that we need to keep trying to make things right.
But you're absolutely correct and the chant is a great reminder, "I didn't cause it; I can't control it; and I can't cure it."
We too sacrificed and sent all of our children to private schools, not easy on a cops salary, but we wanted to give them the best shot at life that we could by giving them a solid foundation in which to build their lives.
Drugs are insidious. For those that believe there is no issue with legalizing weed, I will argue to my death that there are huge implications. For my child and countless others (I have seen this over and over in my career as a cop) this was his gateway drug to his and our personal hell.
We had offered to take him back in and help him get back on course but only after he enrolled in and successfully completed an inpatient 12 month rehab program. He refused.
He is on a path of self destruction and as so many other parents and loved ones of addicts have said, it is one of the most heart & gut wrenching experiences families can go through.
Yes, Jiggs, I am very familiar with the guilt trip I've place myself on. But ask yourself, as I have asked myself: what more were we supposed to do? What could we, or should we have done differently? For us, were we supposed to vacation in Europe, rather than take her Disney, Hershey Park, Sesame Place, or the beach? Were we supposed to send her to a chi-chi private school that had equesterian lessons, rather than the Catholic school that gave religion lessons? Were we supposed to buy her a car when she turned 16, rather than tell her she had to save some money and we would match it?
Knowing everything I know now, I can honestly say that there was nothing I did so horribly wrong or something basic I omitted doing that caused my child to chose heroin and always being hungry over being sober and in college with a meal plan. And I'm positive that there is nothing that you did wrong or omitted doing, either. Our children made a bad choice by dabbling with heavy drugs. (We can debate the legalization of marijuana issue later. It was NOT a gateway drug for my daughter.)
I'm sure you talked to your son about drugs and their effects. I know we did. and, we were specific about which drugs make you do what. (Then again, there is some stuff now that I never heard of. Mollys. Roxys. Ecstasy. But I do remember telling her if it has a recipe, it is addictive.) I even provided the visual. I took her to court with me when she was little. She took a tour of the jail too. And here's the news: none of it mattered.
Please learn from me. Don't let the guilts and a desire to make things right propel you to enable. HE has to want to change and only he can cure it.
Repeat after me: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
Peace & blessings
Knowing everything I know now, I can honestly say that there was nothing I did so horribly wrong or something basic I omitted doing that caused my child to chose heroin and always being hungry over being sober and in college with a meal plan. And I'm positive that there is nothing that you did wrong or omitted doing, either. Our children made a bad choice by dabbling with heavy drugs. (We can debate the legalization of marijuana issue later. It was NOT a gateway drug for my daughter.)
I'm sure you talked to your son about drugs and their effects. I know we did. and, we were specific about which drugs make you do what. (Then again, there is some stuff now that I never heard of. Mollys. Roxys. Ecstasy. But I do remember telling her if it has a recipe, it is addictive.) I even provided the visual. I took her to court with me when she was little. She took a tour of the jail too. And here's the news: none of it mattered.
Please learn from me. Don't let the guilts and a desire to make things right propel you to enable. HE has to want to change and only he can cure it.
Repeat after me: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.
Peace & blessings
hello, I have a son and daughter go down this road. one is clean 3 years, the other is not.
my biggest regret was financial. not catching on early enough, and helping out financially too much and too easily. rent, fixing cars, airline tickets to come home at holidays, financial help when relocating. he had a professional job for 4 years after college. now he has nothing and is having a hard time starting over and taking care of himself.
my husband and I are getting close to retirement and we are now focused on saving ourselves and putting our own financial interests first.
We did pay out of pocket for 3 months for rehab at beginning of the year, but that was the first and last time its coming out of our pocket. Insurance paid for 3 months of rehab last year. if the kid needs it again, its not coming from us.
do not give him $$ or bail him out of anything. when he is homeless, make some phone calls and find a rehab.
my biggest regret was financial. not catching on early enough, and helping out financially too much and too easily. rent, fixing cars, airline tickets to come home at holidays, financial help when relocating. he had a professional job for 4 years after college. now he has nothing and is having a hard time starting over and taking care of himself.
my husband and I are getting close to retirement and we are now focused on saving ourselves and putting our own financial interests first.
We did pay out of pocket for 3 months for rehab at beginning of the year, but that was the first and last time its coming out of our pocket. Insurance paid for 3 months of rehab last year. if the kid needs it again, its not coming from us.
do not give him $$ or bail him out of anything. when he is homeless, make some phone calls and find a rehab.
jiggs - I read your second post. He refused rehab. Yes that is so sad and heartbreaking. when our two children were in the state your son is in, it was extremely emotional. sleepless nights, trying to go to work and pretend everything is normal.driving past places I thought they were and looking for them,Waking at 3am with a start and not getting back to sleep. going outside in the middle of the night looking at the stars, wondering where they are, and crying, and crying and seeing my husband cry, who is a PO and does not cry easily.
and we had to - as you said - understand that the worst could happen. and understand that it would not be our fault. we offer life, they refuse.
our daughter is clean and doing well, our son is struggling, but OK. but we just dont know if the right things will click and he will get better, or if he will not.
it is a night mare. and the addict does not see it. they think they are doing fine and there's nothing wrong with it.
praying or meditating or yoga or deep breathing helps. ask your higher power for help to be strong, for guidence. take deep breaths.
planning ahead helps. if this happens, what will my action be.... etc
total time in this hell - about six years. half bad and half good.
and we had to - as you said - understand that the worst could happen. and understand that it would not be our fault. we offer life, they refuse.
our daughter is clean and doing well, our son is struggling, but OK. but we just dont know if the right things will click and he will get better, or if he will not.
it is a night mare. and the addict does not see it. they think they are doing fine and there's nothing wrong with it.
praying or meditating or yoga or deep breathing helps. ask your higher power for help to be strong, for guidence. take deep breaths.
planning ahead helps. if this happens, what will my action be.... etc
total time in this hell - about six years. half bad and half good.
Thank you. It's reassuring from the comments that the emotional roller coaster from anguish to heartbreak, anger, frustration are all normal reactions to a situation like this.
My wife says that he is too young for us to simply wash our hands of him. I told her that we haven't done that, that we tried everything we could and that we would still support him and be here for him when he decides to make the right choices.
Although we are no longer walking on egg shells in our home with him being out this has caused friction between us and at this point in our lives we need to refocus on us as he has emotionally drained us for the past 4 years.
The guys and gals from my dept have been keeping me up to date when they see him. I got a call today from a friend in narcotics who told me they saw him hanging around a run down motel well known for it's drug underworld.
It's gotten to the point now where I don't want to know anything else as it worries us even more. And yes, numerous nights awake, flipping thru the channels, out on the deck, looking down the street, going into his room, looking thru the old pictures, waiting for a patrol car to pull in the driveway and lots of tears.
Thank you all for your kind words, advice, your compassion and support. This is truly a wonderful website.
My wife says that he is too young for us to simply wash our hands of him. I told her that we haven't done that, that we tried everything we could and that we would still support him and be here for him when he decides to make the right choices.
Although we are no longer walking on egg shells in our home with him being out this has caused friction between us and at this point in our lives we need to refocus on us as he has emotionally drained us for the past 4 years.
The guys and gals from my dept have been keeping me up to date when they see him. I got a call today from a friend in narcotics who told me they saw him hanging around a run down motel well known for it's drug underworld.
It's gotten to the point now where I don't want to know anything else as it worries us even more. And yes, numerous nights awake, flipping thru the channels, out on the deck, looking down the street, going into his room, looking thru the old pictures, waiting for a patrol car to pull in the driveway and lots of tears.
Thank you all for your kind words, advice, your compassion and support. This is truly a wonderful website.
Hey Jiggs
I am new here as well and have been scouring through posts looking for support and advice. It is so painful I don't want to do it, but I feel myself getting a little stronger as I do. I came across an amazing post from MomNMore I think it was. About what NOT to do or "things that don't help" from a couple years ago. Look for it. Her words rang so clear and true like a bell tolling the things I needed to hear. It has given me the courage to talk to one of my addicted children.
My coping mechanism is to stay busy, as busy as I can and think about my "successful" children to try to ignore what is going on in my own house. Denial. Not working so great for me. It's a process I know we all have to work through at our own pace. What I think I am beginning to see is that every time I "help" my addict children, I am not allowing them the opportunity to accept the natural consequences of their own actions. When I enable them, they can't get to that place where they try to or want to help themselves. Hope this helps a little. Prayers for you and yours!
I am new here as well and have been scouring through posts looking for support and advice. It is so painful I don't want to do it, but I feel myself getting a little stronger as I do. I came across an amazing post from MomNMore I think it was. About what NOT to do or "things that don't help" from a couple years ago. Look for it. Her words rang so clear and true like a bell tolling the things I needed to hear. It has given me the courage to talk to one of my addicted children.
My coping mechanism is to stay busy, as busy as I can and think about my "successful" children to try to ignore what is going on in my own house. Denial. Not working so great for me. It's a process I know we all have to work through at our own pace. What I think I am beginning to see is that every time I "help" my addict children, I am not allowing them the opportunity to accept the natural consequences of their own actions. When I enable them, they can't get to that place where they try to or want to help themselves. Hope this helps a little. Prayers for you and yours!
