I think it is official to say life has changed. I am new here after discovering my husband of 6, almost 7 years has an addiction to prescription pain pills. He started about 3-4 years ago, after we suffered two devastating miscarriages and has continued to use them as we dealt with 5 years of infertility, and treatments. (Which we actually found out was due to a condition I have which damaged my Fallopian tubes severely - not his drug use.) He uses them, or began to use them, as a coping mechanism to deal with all the hurt, emotional pain and stress. Now he just uses them because he is addicted. I don't even know where to start. I want to be loving and supportive of him as he begins treatment. That is actually how I found out. He decided, after many failed attempts to do outpatient treatment with me not knowing, that he had to come clean with me, in order to be able to get clean. I only found out because he left his pills out, and I found them and confronted him. Christmas Day he finally stopped lying and told me the truth. Not how I anticipated spending the holiday season - especially our first with our new baby, that we struggled so much for. He says he has tried to tell me so many times, but has been ashamed and embarrassed that he is addicted. To be honest, I have known something was going on for quite a while but couldn't put a finger on it, so many things weren't adding up. Money disappearing, lying about where he was going, his web of lies and deception have slowly been unraveling around him until they completely came apart.
My main reason for coming here, and for posting, is that I don't know where to begin. I don't know anything about this life, I have never tried drugs, hardly drink... I want to be loving and supportive of him. But I am hurt by the lies and deceit, the running up debt to support his habit. I have lost all faith and trust in him, I am disappointed in him. But at the same time I know this is a sickness. He has an addiction. I want to stand by him, and help him any way I can to get through this but wonder if I am being naive thinking that he will stop lying and using. I want to work on rebuilding my faith and trust in him, and keep our marriage and family together.
So right now I am caught between feelings and doing what is best for him... We are going today to our local treatment facility to inquire about their outpatient program, which would result in either methadone or saboxone (sp?) treatment. How do I support him? I am trying to be caring, loving and understanding about something I don't understand anything about? How do I put aside my own feelings and do what is best for him? My mind just keeps going from one thing to the next, and I am terrified of where this road might take us. I know I have no control
Over him or his addiction. I just feel numb. I want to cry but I can't, I want to get angry but I can't, I want to trust him but I can't... Which makes me wonder how I can be supportive and trust that when he says he wants to do this, that he truly wants to? I haven't pushed him at all to seek treatment, because I know, from reading about it, and knowing one other person who has a pill addiction, that he has to want it for himself. He says he does, especially now that we have our son. Any advice on things to do to support him? Or ways to be supportive? He has tried before without support (since he was hiding it) and failed. I hope that with support, he might be more successful. I know every situation is different and unique, but I am hoping for some advice. We have no NA family program in our area, I can't talk to my family, his family or friends about it... So I am at a loss with respect to next steps and what I can do to try and help him through this.
Dear LadyDi,Congratulations on the birth of your son.....ok now let's get down to business regarding your husband...I'm sorry but what a lame excuse to start popping pills ...He was upset over the miscarriages....I'm sorry for your loss but he has to realize both of you lost a child there not just him....I lost 2 children one at birth one at 6 months pregnant ...I didn't run to a prescription bottle...I mentioned that because I don't want you to think I'm in insensitive ....the fact that he tried to hide it from you and then tried to quit on his own shows he truly wasn't serious in addressing his addiction....which is what he has he is spending money on drugs,hiding his addiction and lying....Now he has come out and told you which is something he didn't do prior....also now there is a child in the equation....I would explain to him my feelings ,and explain that he has breached the trust that was there.....support him but tell him his actions will speak louder than words....You don't want him doing drugs around your son....and so because of his pills you are nervous to leave him alone with his son....that the babys safety and welfare comes first....tell him not one more lie. ...if he wants you there there is complete honesty....and as I said let his actions show you he is serious....one day at a time.....the answers will come ..
Ladydi,
I started this journey a little over 1 year ago with my adult daughter. Like you, it was a complete surprise although I was suspecting something but since she didn't live with us, I kept thinking it was other things such as a bad break up with her boyfriend or possibly an eating disorder. I, like you, had no idea what to do or anything about addiction or prescription pain pills but how I have gotten an education in the past year! My daughter had already put herself on Methadone in an attempt to get clean and hide it from us but honestly that only prolonged the suffering for her. What finally made a difference for her was going to an intense inpatient facility for one month and then 3 months in sober living before returning home to us. This time allowed her to get fully detoxed off of all methadone and other pills she was using to dull the pain and get the education she needed on how to survive life as a recovering addict. They also did start her on a monthly injection called vivitrol, which she says helps her immensely. Our insurance now covers this so that is very helpful! I know that all of this time off may not be possible for some because they have jobs, etc. But this is not something you can do by white-knuckling it. No matter what anyone says, this is a disease that needs to be treated and you are in for a roller coaster of a ride. Make sure that you also take care of yourself and your baby, the grief we experience can be overwhelming at times but you have a baby that you need to stay strong for. The inpatient facility my daughter attended had a mandatory 5 day intensive family therapy program that went along with her stay. It was very intense but very life changing for me and my husband to finally understand this whole addiction issue. I personally found this extremely helpful since it was science driven and presented in an educational format and not just hearing others stories of pain and suffering with no conclusion or plan than just, "kick them out". So, if you can find any counseling for yourself, I highly suggest that. I am happy to report that my daughter is now clean, working two jobs and starting back to school (she had just completed all of her doctoral classes when we found out about her addiction). See, this can happen to anyone, addiction has no preference for race, economics, gender, age, etc. so don't be ashamed of this or feel you had any part in this, sometimes life just has a way of smacking us in the face but you can do this, stay strong and educate yourself as much as you can. There are lots of great articles and books out there to give insight into what your husband may be going through as well as yourself. Good luck and I pray that you and your husband have the strength to weather the storm.
I started this journey a little over 1 year ago with my adult daughter. Like you, it was a complete surprise although I was suspecting something but since she didn't live with us, I kept thinking it was other things such as a bad break up with her boyfriend or possibly an eating disorder. I, like you, had no idea what to do or anything about addiction or prescription pain pills but how I have gotten an education in the past year! My daughter had already put herself on Methadone in an attempt to get clean and hide it from us but honestly that only prolonged the suffering for her. What finally made a difference for her was going to an intense inpatient facility for one month and then 3 months in sober living before returning home to us. This time allowed her to get fully detoxed off of all methadone and other pills she was using to dull the pain and get the education she needed on how to survive life as a recovering addict. They also did start her on a monthly injection called vivitrol, which she says helps her immensely. Our insurance now covers this so that is very helpful! I know that all of this time off may not be possible for some because they have jobs, etc. But this is not something you can do by white-knuckling it. No matter what anyone says, this is a disease that needs to be treated and you are in for a roller coaster of a ride. Make sure that you also take care of yourself and your baby, the grief we experience can be overwhelming at times but you have a baby that you need to stay strong for. The inpatient facility my daughter attended had a mandatory 5 day intensive family therapy program that went along with her stay. It was very intense but very life changing for me and my husband to finally understand this whole addiction issue. I personally found this extremely helpful since it was science driven and presented in an educational format and not just hearing others stories of pain and suffering with no conclusion or plan than just, "kick them out". So, if you can find any counseling for yourself, I highly suggest that. I am happy to report that my daughter is now clean, working two jobs and starting back to school (she had just completed all of her doctoral classes when we found out about her addiction). See, this can happen to anyone, addiction has no preference for race, economics, gender, age, etc. so don't be ashamed of this or feel you had any part in this, sometimes life just has a way of smacking us in the face but you can do this, stay strong and educate yourself as much as you can. There are lots of great articles and books out there to give insight into what your husband may be going through as well as yourself. Good luck and I pray that you and your husband have the strength to weather the storm.
LadyD16:
I'm sure you have Al-Anon in your area.
Look them up in the telephone book or on-line and give them a call. You will find help there.
Many of us got into addiction/alcoholism because we judged that we couldn't bear the pain of accepting a truth, so we escaped.
When we find that the escape mechanism (drugs/booze/sex/gambling etc) in now a fatal problem we judge that we can't accept that truth either and face the perceived pain of recovery.
Alcoholic/addicts coming to their bottom are truly stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Unable to face & accept truths and unable to let go of the negative things (which begin to kill us physically/mentally/spiritually) that we used to evade the truth.
Al-Anon will help you deal with your situation in the most positive manner, for you and him.
You have lots of people to help you .. you just have to ask & accept.
I wish you the best.
Bob
I'm sure you have Al-Anon in your area.
Look them up in the telephone book or on-line and give them a call. You will find help there.
Many of us got into addiction/alcoholism because we judged that we couldn't bear the pain of accepting a truth, so we escaped.
When we find that the escape mechanism (drugs/booze/sex/gambling etc) in now a fatal problem we judge that we can't accept that truth either and face the perceived pain of recovery.
Alcoholic/addicts coming to their bottom are truly stuck between a rock and a hard place.
Unable to face & accept truths and unable to let go of the negative things (which begin to kill us physically/mentally/spiritually) that we used to evade the truth.
Al-Anon will help you deal with your situation in the most positive manner, for you and him.
You have lots of people to help you .. you just have to ask & accept.
I wish you the best.
Bob
I would like to echo what Papa Bear says - I strongly encourage you to seek out a family support program. If you husband is in-patient treatment, his Center should have a family support section. In my experience this begins with a few sessions at the treatment center (for family members) followed by Al Anon or NAR Anon. I can speak from experience that there is great hope for you in these codependent meetings.
I see it as a good sign that your husband became honest and looked for help relatively quickly. He could be a "high bottom addict". Too often, people need harsher pain before they seek honesty and help.
I would like to disagree somewhat with a prior poster. Some people who suffer loss and trauma cannot handle the emotional pain, hence they self-medicate. It is not simple a "bs excuse" - It is the only way they know how to cope. If you read the 12 Steps of AA, for example, you will see that Alcohol is mentioned only once. It isn't so much of an alcohol problem, but a life-coping problem.
Also, I suggest you read the Promises section of AA or NA. It is very encrouraging. It works if you work it. The same is true for codependents.
Good luck. I will be back on this Board if you have follow up regarding my story.
-fly
I see it as a good sign that your husband became honest and looked for help relatively quickly. He could be a "high bottom addict". Too often, people need harsher pain before they seek honesty and help.
I would like to disagree somewhat with a prior poster. Some people who suffer loss and trauma cannot handle the emotional pain, hence they self-medicate. It is not simple a "bs excuse" - It is the only way they know how to cope. If you read the 12 Steps of AA, for example, you will see that Alcohol is mentioned only once. It isn't so much of an alcohol problem, but a life-coping problem.
Also, I suggest you read the Promises section of AA or NA. It is very encrouraging. It works if you work it. The same is true for codependents.
Good luck. I will be back on this Board if you have follow up regarding my story.
-fly
Thanks for your replies. We attended the treatment clinic yesterday, and at his request I went with him to the intake/consult. He had me phone them yesterday to discuss coming in, so I made him an appointment, and so many times since he has told me how glad he is that I encouraged him to go in and just chat with them. It was so hard to hear him admit all the drugs he has abused, how much and for how long. It was a lot more than I naively thought. I must say as hard as it was for me, I know it was 1000 times harder for him to make that walk through the door and to be open and honest about everything, not just to me, but to himself by finally stating it out loud. They gave us the name of a local counsellor who specializes on drug addiction, but also in family counselling related to drug addiction. My husband is am extremely private person, and doesn't like to speak about his feelings/emotions so it was a big step when he asked them about it, and told me on the way home that he wants us to go, so we can also work on rebuilding out relationship.
Fly - I do also agree. For him I do not feel this is a bulls*** excuse. He was trying so hard to cope and be the "strong one" for me, that he turned to pills as a way to cope himself so he could appear to have everything together and be there for me. I know he had prior drug use as a late teen/early 20's. It's not as though this was a new world for him. He never really spoke about it more than briefly, so while I had no idea what was happening now, I had known about it and can see how he would possibly start taking them here and there to escape the harsh new reality we were in.
We have had a very serious conversation about our relationship, our son, and our future together. While I want to be loving and supportive it is no longer just about me when our young son is involved. I do get nervous leaving him alone with my husband, and although he says he's fine to care for him I can't help but be anxious. I am trying to be honest with him when he asks what I think and how I feel, and I am trying hard to do it in a constructive way. Even though I am hurt by the lies and deception, I don't want to put any additional stress and hurt onto him. He's asked me to not sugar coat things but to be open and honest, and he will do the same.
It was so helpful to attend yesterday's meeting, and he has asked me to come with him to his initial dr appointment where they further lay out his plan, and receives his starting medications. He has a start date of January 8th which to me seems so far away. I know it's not, but it feels like it is. Sometimes I don't know what is worse, the lying and sneaking around, or the knowing when he leaves the house, that's where he's going - to get drugs... Previously it was the anxiety of having a feeling he was lying and not being able to prove it, having anxiety when he left.
Thanks for your support and advice - I am sure I will be here lots as we begin this chapter of our lives.
Fly - I do also agree. For him I do not feel this is a bulls*** excuse. He was trying so hard to cope and be the "strong one" for me, that he turned to pills as a way to cope himself so he could appear to have everything together and be there for me. I know he had prior drug use as a late teen/early 20's. It's not as though this was a new world for him. He never really spoke about it more than briefly, so while I had no idea what was happening now, I had known about it and can see how he would possibly start taking them here and there to escape the harsh new reality we were in.
We have had a very serious conversation about our relationship, our son, and our future together. While I want to be loving and supportive it is no longer just about me when our young son is involved. I do get nervous leaving him alone with my husband, and although he says he's fine to care for him I can't help but be anxious. I am trying to be honest with him when he asks what I think and how I feel, and I am trying hard to do it in a constructive way. Even though I am hurt by the lies and deception, I don't want to put any additional stress and hurt onto him. He's asked me to not sugar coat things but to be open and honest, and he will do the same.
It was so helpful to attend yesterday's meeting, and he has asked me to come with him to his initial dr appointment where they further lay out his plan, and receives his starting medications. He has a start date of January 8th which to me seems so far away. I know it's not, but it feels like it is. Sometimes I don't know what is worse, the lying and sneaking around, or the knowing when he leaves the house, that's where he's going - to get drugs... Previously it was the anxiety of having a feeling he was lying and not being able to prove it, having anxiety when he left.
Thanks for your support and advice - I am sure I will be here lots as we begin this chapter of our lives.