Hi there,
I've been creeping this message board for days. Never thought in 21 years that I would be here. Not sure what I did wrong, not sure how I missed so many signs. But I now know I have enabled in so many ways! Nonetheless, my 21 year old first born son is a drug addict, my other son has dabbled. Oh how I have read, "Let me fall all by myself" so many times and know what I need to do but just can't bring myself to do it. He and his gf live with us. He lies and has been stealing from us. It was just the other night that he finally admitted he has a problem.
I'm seeking advice, should we tell his gf to leave? My son would like help, but I don't have enough in me to help both of them. He says, it will break him and break them up if she goes and he will be in a worse depressed state than he is now. I say they both need to be healthy and strong to have a healthy relationship. She doesn't have the support my son has and will probably have to move a significant ways a way if she leaves. She has always been pleasant and respectful in our home, but lied about drug use. I know she has to go, but I risk losing my son if she does. What do I do? What else can I do? My heart and mind hurt so much.
Hi - so sorry you are here!
advice - find naranon meetings and a counselor for yourself who specializes in addiction, otherwise they will not have the advice or background you need to navigate this. it is a tough spot our loved ones put us in. my husband and I have been going thru this for 5 yrs w my son, now 28 yo. - has been to rehab twice, sober living, homeless, working and living on his own for 8 out of the last 10 years, sober 3 times for 4-5 month periods. yet he has not learned how to take care of himself, pay bills, or save a dollar. he still can not see the damage he is doing and how his addicted lifestyle makes life harder/dysfunctional, not better. week after week we think he will 'get it' yet he does not. was living w gf. her parents booted him a few weeks ago. now he is back home. nothing has changed in 5 years. he is functioning, has a job. but we feel like everyday is an egg shell - something is going to crumble.
I went to a local addiction recovery center a few months ago looking for information, flyers for my son. I ended up seeing a counselor for myself. it has helped me keep MY sanity... my goal has been to get my husband and son into counseling too. husband is willing to go. son says ok in the heat of an argument, but has not gone. he goes to mental health doctors, but not at a recovery center. so basically he is just getting meds. now I am trying to get him to go to the recovery center. my mistake for not knowing about the recovery center and getting him to go there first before he got hooked into the other office.
the codependent relationship btwn bf and gf is a tough one. I know my son and his gf are emotionally dependent. so I attack it like 'you both have to be in recovery, you can help each other'. the last time I said this he said - she wont go. that made me realize he is less likely to go or to get off the addiction roller coaster if SHE will not get off. Also, when he has called me, I have heard her whisper what to say to me. It makes me sadder that he is a puppet to her nonsense. so I realize she is controlling him. and we don't know how much of his paycheck is going to her addiction and how much to his.... she rarely comes to our house.
If they are not both committed to recovery, it will be a no win situation.
If you can, find an outpatient recovery center. The one I found accepts people at their present level of addiction, has many types of counseling and programs, even vocational and job finding. Find a good place for them to go, and then use that as leverage to live in your house. tell them to Go to the recovery center therapist, both of you, or find another place to live and give a time line. they can apply to Medicaid if they do not have insurance.
my husband and I want to focus on our own lives and at our middle age, we tend to get up and go to work and try to not to think about our son, or else it makes it hard to function. if we are not thinking about it, we can deal w work and all the daily chores, etc. then weeks go by and we realize it is all still the same. then I get into 'fix it' mode and find myself focused on the problem 24/7. and I am getting exhausted, buy my son just carries on as usual....
In conclusion -- when all else fails, it has to be up to him to decide to change... my husband and I and many many others on these message board have tried every approach we can think of... some of our loved ones are now in recovery and some are not....
good luck, be stronger than me, let us know how you are doing, write yourself a list of how YOU would like life to be and try doing just one thing to reach your goals.
reading - I have posted links to other websites and helpful information under the General/Misc tab. website - try SmartRecovery.org
advice - find naranon meetings and a counselor for yourself who specializes in addiction, otherwise they will not have the advice or background you need to navigate this. it is a tough spot our loved ones put us in. my husband and I have been going thru this for 5 yrs w my son, now 28 yo. - has been to rehab twice, sober living, homeless, working and living on his own for 8 out of the last 10 years, sober 3 times for 4-5 month periods. yet he has not learned how to take care of himself, pay bills, or save a dollar. he still can not see the damage he is doing and how his addicted lifestyle makes life harder/dysfunctional, not better. week after week we think he will 'get it' yet he does not. was living w gf. her parents booted him a few weeks ago. now he is back home. nothing has changed in 5 years. he is functioning, has a job. but we feel like everyday is an egg shell - something is going to crumble.
I went to a local addiction recovery center a few months ago looking for information, flyers for my son. I ended up seeing a counselor for myself. it has helped me keep MY sanity... my goal has been to get my husband and son into counseling too. husband is willing to go. son says ok in the heat of an argument, but has not gone. he goes to mental health doctors, but not at a recovery center. so basically he is just getting meds. now I am trying to get him to go to the recovery center. my mistake for not knowing about the recovery center and getting him to go there first before he got hooked into the other office.
the codependent relationship btwn bf and gf is a tough one. I know my son and his gf are emotionally dependent. so I attack it like 'you both have to be in recovery, you can help each other'. the last time I said this he said - she wont go. that made me realize he is less likely to go or to get off the addiction roller coaster if SHE will not get off. Also, when he has called me, I have heard her whisper what to say to me. It makes me sadder that he is a puppet to her nonsense. so I realize she is controlling him. and we don't know how much of his paycheck is going to her addiction and how much to his.... she rarely comes to our house.
If they are not both committed to recovery, it will be a no win situation.
If you can, find an outpatient recovery center. The one I found accepts people at their present level of addiction, has many types of counseling and programs, even vocational and job finding. Find a good place for them to go, and then use that as leverage to live in your house. tell them to Go to the recovery center therapist, both of you, or find another place to live and give a time line. they can apply to Medicaid if they do not have insurance.
my husband and I want to focus on our own lives and at our middle age, we tend to get up and go to work and try to not to think about our son, or else it makes it hard to function. if we are not thinking about it, we can deal w work and all the daily chores, etc. then weeks go by and we realize it is all still the same. then I get into 'fix it' mode and find myself focused on the problem 24/7. and I am getting exhausted, buy my son just carries on as usual....
In conclusion -- when all else fails, it has to be up to him to decide to change... my husband and I and many many others on these message board have tried every approach we can think of... some of our loved ones are now in recovery and some are not....
good luck, be stronger than me, let us know how you are doing, write yourself a list of how YOU would like life to be and try doing just one thing to reach your goals.
reading - I have posted links to other websites and helpful information under the General/Misc tab. website - try SmartRecovery.org
I am so sorry you are going through this as well. It is an absolutely horrible situation.
My son is a bit younger, but we are going through something similar.As hard as it is, the tougher we are when appropriate the better. I try to step outside myself, and see my son as just another human being in the world. Would I find any of this acceptable? No. Sometimes I ask my friend to tell me how see this situation, because she lays out there. As I would if her child were acting this way.
It is SO easy and SO natural for us to make excuses for them and to keep trying to save them. In the end, they just lie and cheat and steal because the drug is controlling their brain.So, we not only don't help them, but exhaust ourselves.
Please keep sharing and reaching out for support. You need lots of it. I do understand your feelings and your dread. Such a very sad situation for us. Stay strong, get healthy, set boundaries. Pushing them out of the nest is the best thing to do, but the very hardest.
Keep sharing and posting!
My son is a bit younger, but we are going through something similar.As hard as it is, the tougher we are when appropriate the better. I try to step outside myself, and see my son as just another human being in the world. Would I find any of this acceptable? No. Sometimes I ask my friend to tell me how see this situation, because she lays out there. As I would if her child were acting this way.
It is SO easy and SO natural for us to make excuses for them and to keep trying to save them. In the end, they just lie and cheat and steal because the drug is controlling their brain.So, we not only don't help them, but exhaust ourselves.
Please keep sharing and reaching out for support. You need lots of it. I do understand your feelings and your dread. Such a very sad situation for us. Stay strong, get healthy, set boundaries. Pushing them out of the nest is the best thing to do, but the very hardest.
Keep sharing and posting!
Hi - regarding the gf - I just watched today's webinar and the question was raised about bf and gf going into recovery together. unfortunately, the answer is that it seldom works out. either they don't stay sober or they don't stay together. they are using together and that is the basis of their relationship. while using they are not their authentic selves. they do not know themselves and therefore don't know the other person. I have heard that when one or both people in a relationship become sober, they sometimes break up because the sober person is not the person they 'fell in love' with.
recovery boot camp - family edition - webinar registration
https://www.recoverybootcamp.com/wee...-edition-2-2-2/
recovery boot camp - family edition - webinar registration
https://www.recoverybootcamp.com/wee...-edition-2-2-2/
I agree with NY. My daughter and her boyfriend tried stopping drugs together and when one starts up again they both do. Most of the time their relationship is codependent. They need each other to do anything. Thats why they dont want to separate from each other. Codependency is a sickness all on its own too, probably brought on by drug use. You should read up on it as it might help you to figure out how to go about this. Just like NY mentioned, when they stop the drugs they have nothing much more in common and who knows maybe thats what starts them up again using. I use to blame myself too like we all do. But its got nothing to do with us mothers or fathers. Theres an epidemic out there. Each time you put your foot down and say no it will get easier for you and youll see a difference that just one no makes, it will empower you to stop helping which is enabling him and her. I can honestly say when I stopped helping my daughter thats when things started turning around for her. I didnt know what I was doing at the beginning. This website is what helped me. My daughter has been doing heroin, cocaine, crack, you name it shes probably tried it all. Since she was 17 and going to high school. I was suspicious one morning and went through her school backpack when she was in the shower and low and behold I found wraps of tinfoil, burnt spoon, lighter and syringe. That was her last day of school I pulled her out that day. She continued to do drugs for 18 more years. I seriously believe if Id stopped enabling sooner the sooner she would have quit. But I didnt know any better. This website was what helped me and I hope it helps you too. Take care and hang in there because were all stronger than we give ourselves credit for. So just when you think you cant take anymore you reach down to the very tip of your toes if you have to and youll get the strength you need to get you through another day. Thats where Ive found mine many a time! Take care and were here for you. Mary.
Thank you so much for your replies. It's both comforting and disheartening to know I'm not alone.
