Hi all. I am new here. This site seems SO great!! I have been reading posts on & off (mostly on) since yesterday afternoon. I have not even been to sleep!! Too late now, I have to get my son up soon to get dressed and take him to school.
I will nap a little bit after I drop him off and then try to work for a while.
I work from home office so my hours are flexible.
That is for now anyway - I'm pretty sure that I will not have my job for much longer. I dislike my job very much but I make really, really, really good $$. And I do need the $$ because I'm going thru a divorce right now.
My soon-to-be EX wants primary/joint custody of our 2 kids and ALIMONY!!! Oh, $2,500 - $3,000 per month is all he wants me to pay him. Jerk!!! AAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!
I think that sub-consiously (sp?) I am trying to get fired from my job so I won't have to give him so much $$!! Pretty sick!!! But I AM sick right now.
I am an addict!! My DOC is oxy's, roxi's, hydro, dilaudid, MS Contin, and any other opiates I can get my hands on!!!
I want off this roller coaster for good!!! I have been taking opiates for several years now - more than 5 years!!! Very scary when I think about how long it's been!!! I detoxed for the first time the middle of last year. Went to an inpatient detox. Did great for a little while. Relapsed a few months later. When I relapsed, my daily use ended up over 5x what it was before my detox!!! Got 'caught' by my family and then went on Bupe (Sub) to detox again. Was kinda ok but I know that I was not really 110% ready to be completely clean. Used opies, then went back to Bupe, back to opies, Bupe, and now on opies again. I am really sick and tired of being sick and tired!!!! So much stress in my life and I use all of it as an excuse to use again. I can't stand what this has done to me!!! I am lying to my family and friends again - those that really love me. None of them know that I am on the opiates again. I've become a master at hiding it.
I'm sorry this is so long, but my story (as I'm sure ALL of yours) is so long!!
I just wanted to tell you a little bit about me and introduce myself.
I really need some support from people that really understand and who I can be 100% honest with. I want to get back on the Bupe. I really want this to be the LAST time!! I desperately need to get and STAY clean!!!
I'm trying to decide if I should try the Bupe one last time or just go inpatient.
Think that I'll give Bupe a final try and if I fail again I will do inpatient.
Either way, I need support and therapy.
Need to get to the root of my emotional issues of why I use the pills to numb myself.....
If you got to the end, thank you for reading this!!
Any and all feedback is welcomed.....
Swizzle
Morning Swizzle,
First of all Welcome to the board x
Now you say you have tried sub a couple of times before but you are now back on opiates, my advice to you, would be yeah give it another go wth the sub BUT I would strongly suggest that you need some kind of face to face support as well. Have you thought about joining NA? cos if you havent tried it before maybe its time to try it? cos your way of detoxing doesnt seem to be working for ya, so why not try someone elses way?...........just a suggestion.
I wish you all the luck in the world x
love
Gabbi
First of all Welcome to the board x
Now you say you have tried sub a couple of times before but you are now back on opiates, my advice to you, would be yeah give it another go wth the sub BUT I would strongly suggest that you need some kind of face to face support as well. Have you thought about joining NA? cos if you havent tried it before maybe its time to try it? cos your way of detoxing doesnt seem to be working for ya, so why not try someone elses way?...........just a suggestion.
I wish you all the luck in the world x
love
Gabbi
Gabbi,
Thanks for the welcome!!
No, I have not tried NA yet.
I agree that face to face support could only benefit me.
Only thing is, I am a very shy person - especially in a group of people I don't know - and am very afraid to go to a meeting. My fear stems from the unknown!! I don't know how it works, what to expect, etc.
I need to just get over that fear, get off my lazy @.. and show up for a meeting!!
I'm sure it could not hurt and hopefully would help me a lot!!
I think I will definitely give Bupe one last try. And this time I will give it 110%!!!
I really need to do this for myself!! All the other times were because I was "caught" using by my family. I wanted them all to think that I got clean and stayed clean so they would stay off my @.. This time I am going to do it for ME!!! When I think about how much $$ I have spent on this junk, I want to throw up!!! I could have a beautiful house paid for in full already!!! Instead I spent all that $$ numbing my brain.....
Very sad right now.....
Anyone else have any words of wisdom for me??
Thank you again!!!
Thanks for the welcome!!
No, I have not tried NA yet.
I agree that face to face support could only benefit me.
Only thing is, I am a very shy person - especially in a group of people I don't know - and am very afraid to go to a meeting. My fear stems from the unknown!! I don't know how it works, what to expect, etc.
I need to just get over that fear, get off my lazy @.. and show up for a meeting!!
I'm sure it could not hurt and hopefully would help me a lot!!
I think I will definitely give Bupe one last try. And this time I will give it 110%!!!
I really need to do this for myself!! All the other times were because I was "caught" using by my family. I wanted them all to think that I got clean and stayed clean so they would stay off my @.. This time I am going to do it for ME!!! When I think about how much $$ I have spent on this junk, I want to throw up!!! I could have a beautiful house paid for in full already!!! Instead I spent all that $$ numbing my brain.....
Very sad right now.....
Anyone else have any words of wisdom for me??
Thank you again!!!
SWIZZLE,WELCOME TO ONE OF YOUR NEW BEST FREINDS..THIS SITE....
YOU SOUND AS THOUGH YOU ARE READY TO FIGHT THIS THING HEAD ON..
YOU HAVE FACED THIS PART BEFORE AND YOU KNOW HOW HARD THIS CAN BE.BUT LOOK AROUND[WELL READ ACTULLY] THERE ARE MANY, MANY PEOPLE HERE THAT KNOWS WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH.AND ALL IS WILLING TO GIVE SUPPORT OR JUST LISTEN..SO GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON
THINKING AND PRAYING FOR ALL
DJ
YOU SOUND AS THOUGH YOU ARE READY TO FIGHT THIS THING HEAD ON..
YOU HAVE FACED THIS PART BEFORE AND YOU KNOW HOW HARD THIS CAN BE.BUT LOOK AROUND[WELL READ ACTULLY] THERE ARE MANY, MANY PEOPLE HERE THAT KNOWS WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH.AND ALL IS WILLING TO GIVE SUPPORT OR JUST LISTEN..SO GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND HOPE TO HEAR FROM YOU SOON
THINKING AND PRAYING FOR ALL
DJ
Swizzle,
Welcome and good luck. I can relate well to you and my suggestion is this;
Stop any thoughts of trying it your way. Go back to a detox/rehab, a 28 or 30 day program if possible. Get clean and get involved with face to face support.
Everytime I tried it my way I picked up, it was time to switch to the passenger seat and let go. I hope you'll keep us updated on your progress. I'll be praying for you. If nobody told you they love you today, I do.
Take care..........God bless...........Bob
Welcome and good luck. I can relate well to you and my suggestion is this;
Stop any thoughts of trying it your way. Go back to a detox/rehab, a 28 or 30 day program if possible. Get clean and get involved with face to face support.
Everytime I tried it my way I picked up, it was time to switch to the passenger seat and let go. I hope you'll keep us updated on your progress. I'll be praying for you. If nobody told you they love you today, I do.
Take care..........God bless...........Bob
Ok opiates are a real demon.They really are.they can do so much good only to lead you into the darkness.Now I dont know why Im even going to suggest this because I dont know really how your life is besides mixed up.But I have heard of a in hospital rapid detox.I really dont know much about it & I dont even know why it popped in my head when I read your post but it did.
Getting your body cleaned out is the easy part(if there is such a thing)It seems like the mental addiction is what breaks alot of us down.Do you have a therapist? or would you be willing to go to NA meetings.Because I have found just by reading that if you dont have some kind of outside support your chances for nbeating this beast are less.
Is there anyone you feel close to in your world to share this with?Not that we wont help because I know this board will do everything & anything to try & help.But I just wanted to know alittle more about you..mj
Getting your body cleaned out is the easy part(if there is such a thing)It seems like the mental addiction is what breaks alot of us down.Do you have a therapist? or would you be willing to go to NA meetings.Because I have found just by reading that if you dont have some kind of outside support your chances for nbeating this beast are less.
Is there anyone you feel close to in your world to share this with?Not that we wont help because I know this board will do everything & anything to try & help.But I just wanted to know alittle more about you..mj
Swizzle,
Welcome to the board. All I can tell you is to stick with the people (and more will come) that have been posting to you because they are winners and would never steer you wrong. Best to you..........Briar
Welcome to the board. All I can tell you is to stick with the people (and more will come) that have been posting to you because they are winners and would never steer you wrong. Best to you..........Briar
Hi Swizzle,
Welcome to the board!! Stick around this is a great place and you gets lots of help here. take care
gina
Welcome to the board!! Stick around this is a great place and you gets lots of help here. take care
gina
It's simple. You need LONG TERM suboxone program. There have been much debates on how long someone should be on suboxone. At first, myself and many others came to the conclusion the manufacturers/doctors were prescribing suboxone long term merely for profit. Long term use makes it very hard to get off sub itself we had come to the conclusion a few weeks on sub is perfect. Stay on sub for the time 2 weeks after stopping your DOC when you normally would be going thru mad withdrawals.
Then someone posted how their doctor had mentioned a statistic his office had compiled which simply stated almost EVERYONE who used sub for a few weeks relapsed. Like 90% relapse rate as opposed to people who were on sub for 6 or more months. The one thing long term sub use gives you that short term sub use cannot is, time away from your DOC. Knowing the drug can't work while you have suboxone in your system is the key. Suboxone has an extremely long half life and stays active in your system for days afterwards. I did much experimenting and even 4 days after my last dose of suboxone, drugs I would take would work but not near as effective as they should have been.
Then someone posted how their doctor had mentioned a statistic his office had compiled which simply stated almost EVERYONE who used sub for a few weeks relapsed. Like 90% relapse rate as opposed to people who were on sub for 6 or more months. The one thing long term sub use gives you that short term sub use cannot is, time away from your DOC. Knowing the drug can't work while you have suboxone in your system is the key. Suboxone has an extremely long half life and stays active in your system for days afterwards. I did much experimenting and even 4 days after my last dose of suboxone, drugs I would take would work but not near as effective as they should have been.
sw...
ok... honest questions..... you said you could and wanted to be honest... ok... heres you chance..... first let me say... I love you as only one addict can love and believe in another... ok... ok..... when you were on the sub and even when you got out of rehab... what or did you do ANYTHING to keep or further your recovery..? meetings.... daily mediations... sponsor.. make connections with other recoverying addicts?... anything?.... if the answer is no then there is you number one problem... and I will tell you something... I dont care if you are one sub for the rest of your life.... you will eventually try to abuse it.... or use inspite of it... it has been done by one or two on this board.... it is the nature of the disease... the treatment for this disease is not just or some not at all... a pill medication.. it is working on our mind.. our mental part... why do we want to numb why cant we work through this s*** without using a substance... no everyone in the world has to... why us?... and then how do we deal clean... we need to get practical tools... those tools dont come in a pill.... they come in people support... in the rooms of AA/NA... and in counseling....
While I agree with the primice that sub give you time away from your doc and help you control cravings and all that jersey posted... I will never agree that someone should be on sub for the rest of there life.... if they havent tried all other modalities... including long term inpatient... more than 30 days... I know that that isnt an option for most but that is just a testiment to how much again the forever on sub I am... It has a narcotic in it and thus... well.. you get my drift.... I am sorry... I know this is gonna make some really mad esp if they are on it long term and intend to stay on it for the rest of there life as i am shaking up there comfort zone....but...
as for you dear sw.... here is my suggestion.... you need to get really honest... do you really want to be clean?... if you do... then get clean... go to meetings and be honest daily.... if you can go back to inpatient ... if not and you have to have sub then go back on it.. but you must have a recovery program.... but staying on sub for the rest of you life must not be an option in your mind... if you let yourself think that it is.. then you will end up on it for the rest of your life and you will be a slave to this drug.... you cant stop it without w/d ..ect... I wish you the best of luck as your kid(s) deserve the best of you... all of you not the you hidding in pills.... but it takes work...
I have joint custody of my kid and my ex and I have a great relationship ....i pay child support cause i make more money... we have 50/50 time with her... things can work out if you turn it all over to a Higher Power and do the work... but if you do it your way .... put it another way... if you do what you have done you will get what you have gotten....
I believe in you... and wish you all the best.
Teresa
ok... honest questions..... you said you could and wanted to be honest... ok... heres you chance..... first let me say... I love you as only one addict can love and believe in another... ok... ok..... when you were on the sub and even when you got out of rehab... what or did you do ANYTHING to keep or further your recovery..? meetings.... daily mediations... sponsor.. make connections with other recoverying addicts?... anything?.... if the answer is no then there is you number one problem... and I will tell you something... I dont care if you are one sub for the rest of your life.... you will eventually try to abuse it.... or use inspite of it... it has been done by one or two on this board.... it is the nature of the disease... the treatment for this disease is not just or some not at all... a pill medication.. it is working on our mind.. our mental part... why do we want to numb why cant we work through this s*** without using a substance... no everyone in the world has to... why us?... and then how do we deal clean... we need to get practical tools... those tools dont come in a pill.... they come in people support... in the rooms of AA/NA... and in counseling....
While I agree with the primice that sub give you time away from your doc and help you control cravings and all that jersey posted... I will never agree that someone should be on sub for the rest of there life.... if they havent tried all other modalities... including long term inpatient... more than 30 days... I know that that isnt an option for most but that is just a testiment to how much again the forever on sub I am... It has a narcotic in it and thus... well.. you get my drift.... I am sorry... I know this is gonna make some really mad esp if they are on it long term and intend to stay on it for the rest of there life as i am shaking up there comfort zone....but...
as for you dear sw.... here is my suggestion.... you need to get really honest... do you really want to be clean?... if you do... then get clean... go to meetings and be honest daily.... if you can go back to inpatient ... if not and you have to have sub then go back on it.. but you must have a recovery program.... but staying on sub for the rest of you life must not be an option in your mind... if you let yourself think that it is.. then you will end up on it for the rest of your life and you will be a slave to this drug.... you cant stop it without w/d ..ect... I wish you the best of luck as your kid(s) deserve the best of you... all of you not the you hidding in pills.... but it takes work...
I have joint custody of my kid and my ex and I have a great relationship ....i pay child support cause i make more money... we have 50/50 time with her... things can work out if you turn it all over to a Higher Power and do the work... but if you do it your way .... put it another way... if you do what you have done you will get what you have gotten....
I believe in you... and wish you all the best.
Teresa
Hi Swizzle, Welcome to the board.
Teresa, as always, very good advice. I'll certainly apply it to myself. Sw, as she states, you've tried a lot of methods...time to figure out why they don't work. It's a b**** no doubt. I'm on very shaky ground myself. I don't want to be strung out and devote every waking moment to how much or how little drugs I have. Clearly you don't either. You don't mention if any of what you take is pescribed. Cut your sources, if you've been through the series of rehab and sub, people obviously know. Tell em again. Ask for their help. Maybe if you get your family on your side instead of feeling like your battling them, it will be easier. It's so hard in the middle of acrimony like divorce. But put sobriety 1st. If you're using that much, you probably don't go w/o much.
I feel for you, I do. Just got divorced myself and am trying to quit a multi-drug habit. It's hard, so hard. Lean on someone, be it God, NA, family or friends. We'll all be pulling for you. Keep posting...even if you're not ready to start yet.
God Bless, Beck
Teresa, as always, very good advice. I'll certainly apply it to myself. Sw, as she states, you've tried a lot of methods...time to figure out why they don't work. It's a b**** no doubt. I'm on very shaky ground myself. I don't want to be strung out and devote every waking moment to how much or how little drugs I have. Clearly you don't either. You don't mention if any of what you take is pescribed. Cut your sources, if you've been through the series of rehab and sub, people obviously know. Tell em again. Ask for their help. Maybe if you get your family on your side instead of feeling like your battling them, it will be easier. It's so hard in the middle of acrimony like divorce. But put sobriety 1st. If you're using that much, you probably don't go w/o much.
I feel for you, I do. Just got divorced myself and am trying to quit a multi-drug habit. It's hard, so hard. Lean on someone, be it God, NA, family or friends. We'll all be pulling for you. Keep posting...even if you're not ready to start yet.
God Bless, Beck
Hi swizzle
I am new here to I know what you are going though. It made me laugh when you reffered to your addition as a roller coaster , because thats what I have always called mine. That's what it feels like and now it is time to get off. I was on oxicontin and methadone for almost 7 years. They almost ruined my life we lost our house and car jobs and most af all my self respect. But a month ago i had enough and went to an addiction dr and got on suboxene with naloxone the naloxone helps with the cravings. You will never get the high that you had when you first started taking pills. Thats what kept me taking them I wanted that high so bad and I wanted to kill myself when I was in withdrawal so what choice did I have I had to take them. Then I found this dr and I feel so great, I feel like things are really going to get better. I think(hopefully) I have gotten off my roller coaster!
Wrenn
I am new here to I know what you are going though. It made me laugh when you reffered to your addition as a roller coaster , because thats what I have always called mine. That's what it feels like and now it is time to get off. I was on oxicontin and methadone for almost 7 years. They almost ruined my life we lost our house and car jobs and most af all my self respect. But a month ago i had enough and went to an addiction dr and got on suboxene with naloxone the naloxone helps with the cravings. You will never get the high that you had when you first started taking pills. Thats what kept me taking them I wanted that high so bad and I wanted to kill myself when I was in withdrawal so what choice did I have I had to take them. Then I found this dr and I feel so great, I feel like things are really going to get better. I think(hopefully) I have gotten off my roller coaster!
Wrenn
WOW!!!
Great replies!!!!
Thank you all SO much!!!
I will post again later this evening and answer some ?'s and add a little more info / details.
I have to go pick up my kids from their Dad's but will be back soon.
Thank you ALL again so much!!!
I can't believe all of the replies already just today!!!
Finally I don't feel so alone.....
Kinda funny to me but I am really excited and looking forward to "my" time tonight so I can get back on this site again to read and post some more!!!!
Great replies!!!!
Thank you all SO much!!!
I will post again later this evening and answer some ?'s and add a little more info / details.
I have to go pick up my kids from their Dad's but will be back soon.
Thank you ALL again so much!!!
I can't believe all of the replies already just today!!!
Finally I don't feel so alone.....
Kinda funny to me but I am really excited and looking forward to "my" time tonight so I can get back on this site again to read and post some more!!!!
Swizzle,
It really is amazing how NOT alone we are, it is sad, but true. When I first came here I thought the same thing, and was SOOO reliaved.
Welcome.
Best Regards,
Tom
It really is amazing how NOT alone we are, it is sad, but true. When I first came here I thought the same thing, and was SOOO reliaved.
Welcome.
Best Regards,
Tom
