i have been lurking here for a few days and decided today to post. i have enjoyed reading others information and dont really expect anything but needed to get this crap out of my head. i am 36 years old and more or less have smoked everyday for the past 6 years and on and off since i was 14 years of age. at 23 i developed asthma not a bad case but it has progressively gotten worse. the past 3 years in a row i have developed pnuemonia and was hospitalized for a week last year with 2 liters of oxygen and iv steroids. my husband is frustrated with the damage i am doing to my lungs, otherwise it is very hard to identify many life arenas that this drug has impacted in my life. i am sure it effects me in ways i dont realize as i have never been off of it for more than 2 weeks at a time. however, i think this is what makes it so much more dangerous cause you can function relatively well. as i mentioned i am just now getting over my 3rd bout of pnuemonia, dealing with side effects of steroids, and found myself as soon as i was breathing better, hitting the pipe. in my mind this seems insane. i know i must quit as asthma is deadly. i have 2 school age children as well and feel like a hypocrit telling them not to try drugs. i also still have a pinch in my possession and it seems idiotic to try and quit when i have it in my home. i have not smoked since tuesday but know the weekend is the hardest. i have had a bad day, steroids increase depression and i am already taking paxil. i rarely drink and have tried a few other drugs but it just wasnt my cup of tea. i dont really understand or at least comprehend this one day at a time thing or giving it over to god. it all sounds good, but i just dont know how to actually do it. i guess it is not suppossed to be easy.
Hi Jamv, thanks for posting! I suggest not getting too hung up on the God thing or the one day at a time thing. Lets start at the beginning, which is to ask whether or not you have a drug dependency.
When I first got clean, there was a very real part of me that did not believe that I really had a problem. After all, I had two graduate degrees, owned a home, and was holding down a serious professional job at the time. I felt that I could control my use, even as I repeatedly was unable to quit or put reasonable boundaries around how often I used. Even after I began attending meetings I asked whether one could be an addict if they could control their using.
In retrospect, I would say it took several months or more before I was able to acknowledge that I was truly an addict.
This is the nature of drug addiction. It has a way of freezing up those aspects of our thinking that allow us to pierce our denial. One thing they used to say to me is that if you find yourself at an AA meeting, odds are you are an alcoholic. Similarly, if you find yourself browsing an addiction site on the web, odds are you have a marijuana dependency.
I have placed a link at the bottom of this post that has a series of questions that you go through to assess whether you have a dependency.
Oh, FWIW, I smoked enough to have bronchitis as a kid. That turned into asthma at some point, and later, that turned into lymphoma. There is a serious health risk here on top of the psychological issues of addiction.
Take a look at those 12 questions and then write back and let us know how you are doing.
Good luck,
August
http://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/...ages/basic.html
When I first got clean, there was a very real part of me that did not believe that I really had a problem. After all, I had two graduate degrees, owned a home, and was holding down a serious professional job at the time. I felt that I could control my use, even as I repeatedly was unable to quit or put reasonable boundaries around how often I used. Even after I began attending meetings I asked whether one could be an addict if they could control their using.
In retrospect, I would say it took several months or more before I was able to acknowledge that I was truly an addict.
This is the nature of drug addiction. It has a way of freezing up those aspects of our thinking that allow us to pierce our denial. One thing they used to say to me is that if you find yourself at an AA meeting, odds are you are an alcoholic. Similarly, if you find yourself browsing an addiction site on the web, odds are you have a marijuana dependency.
I have placed a link at the bottom of this post that has a series of questions that you go through to assess whether you have a dependency.
Oh, FWIW, I smoked enough to have bronchitis as a kid. That turned into asthma at some point, and later, that turned into lymphoma. There is a serious health risk here on top of the psychological issues of addiction.
Take a look at those 12 questions and then write back and let us know how you are doing.
Good luck,
August
http://www.marijuana-anonymous.org/...ages/basic.html
already been to that site haha. if it walks like a duck! i answered 9 out of the 12 with yes. it is definatley hard to admit, i have talked to my therapist about it too. i have a masters degree and am a mental health therapist as well as managing an out pt. counseling center. i have turned out relatively well with the family i was dealt. there is trauma in the past and all that jazz, again if it walks like a duck. it is a problem, it is hard at this point to identify all the aspects and i am sure as i get clean i will realize the extent. i have never been able to control the amount over the past 6 years, time here and there cutting back a bit or just out and no connection, but not of my own will, unless i was sick. i dont even have that many friends that do it anymore (just one couple)(very close to them). but they will be supportive. my therapist recommended substitute activities and maybe yoga to deal with the anxiety. i just cant bring myself to get rid of what i have here, when i am out i freak. but i have to be out at some point. i saw my pulmo doc today and the pnuemonia is gone and asthma back under control. (unfortunately i start thinking "it's time to smoke again"). i lived thru it. thanks for your quick response, i will be checking in over the weekend. i either need to smoke up the remainder or flush it. i have a feeling which choice it will be. i do rationalize a lot and i guess the part of my brain that needs to work now no longer does. it is crazy. hope to be talking again with you
Hi Jamv,
Welcome. I always find the first few days to be the hardest ones. As time goes on the challenge for me was coping with what I was feeling without the pot to numb me from life. This was a challenge, because I was prepeared to deal with the hardest part being refraining from smoking. This was the easy part in comparison.I've tried to quit many times, sometimes I made it days, sometimes weeks, and then months but the bottomline was every time I went back to smoking because I thought quitting proved I had control, I ended up smoking just like before, and most times more than before. My last attempt at quitting has been my greatest success and I have been almost been five months. I smoked for ten years, and I can honestly say I feel better now than I ever have felt in the past ten years. ONe thing to keep in mind is it can't hurt you to try to quit. Pot is always going to be there. The one day at a time addage is helpful in that if you think of quiting as never smoking pot again for the rest of your life it can seem overwhelming, but by just focusing on today it appears to be more manageable. I was reading through an old journal and I read that it wasn't even that hard not smoking, but what was challenging was finding other things to do with all the extra time I had as a result. I guess what I'm trying to say is not smoking was easier, it was breaking all the habits that came along with not smoking that were more difficult. I found I smoked not because I wanted to but simply because it was what I did. Like you, I never thought I would be able to do this. Believe in yourself.
rubie
Welcome. I always find the first few days to be the hardest ones. As time goes on the challenge for me was coping with what I was feeling without the pot to numb me from life. This was a challenge, because I was prepeared to deal with the hardest part being refraining from smoking. This was the easy part in comparison.I've tried to quit many times, sometimes I made it days, sometimes weeks, and then months but the bottomline was every time I went back to smoking because I thought quitting proved I had control, I ended up smoking just like before, and most times more than before. My last attempt at quitting has been my greatest success and I have been almost been five months. I smoked for ten years, and I can honestly say I feel better now than I ever have felt in the past ten years. ONe thing to keep in mind is it can't hurt you to try to quit. Pot is always going to be there. The one day at a time addage is helpful in that if you think of quiting as never smoking pot again for the rest of your life it can seem overwhelming, but by just focusing on today it appears to be more manageable. I was reading through an old journal and I read that it wasn't even that hard not smoking, but what was challenging was finding other things to do with all the extra time I had as a result. I guess what I'm trying to say is not smoking was easier, it was breaking all the habits that came along with not smoking that were more difficult. I found I smoked not because I wanted to but simply because it was what I did. Like you, I never thought I would be able to do this. Believe in yourself.
rubie
