Hi everyone. Let me start by saying that I originally came to this place because I was feeling very sorry for myself. And when I think about it, it was for no good reason at all. Especially when I've read some of what some of you are going through.
My name is Jessie and I am a recovering Opiate/Benzo addict. I've been clean from Opiates for 2 1/4 years, (percocet, lortab) and clean from benzo's for 1 year this month, (xanax, klonopin, etc.)
I promise, I'm not trying to bore anyone, but I would really like to share my story...
I'm a single mom to 4 beautiful children, ages 11, 8, 7 and 5. I became addicted to pain pills right after my youngest child was born in 2000. It was so easy because I loved everyone and everything with a simple little pill. Except for pretty soon I was taking 2, then 3 then 4 and so on. Before I knew it, it took between 8 and 10 pills every 3 or 4 hours to get me "high" or make me like anyone and even then I did not like anyone because I HATED myself. Some people say "It's impossible for you to take that many pills and survive." Yep, for a lot it is, but for others out there, it isn't hard to take that much and keep on living in hell. I damaged my liver and both my kidneys and even after receiving this knowledge, I still continued to use for nearly 8 months until I was arrested for prescription fraud x3. During the time I used I went from being a good mom to being my worst nightmare. One day, my third child, who was 2 1/2 years old was having a severe asthma attack and although his lips were a light shade of blue and his chest was sinking in, I kept telling myself that his inhaler would be alright to help him breath. I even put him to bed that night breathing like that because I had an appointment with my 'dealer'. Because I didn't need to meet with him until 1 a.m., I lay down and heard little wimpers coming from the room next door. I went in and my boy had fallen off the bed and was trying to crawl to the door because he could not breath. Did I call 911? No, because I was afraid that they would be there for to long and hold me back. I took my son to the local wee care peds and when they did his pulse/ox, it barely showed on the machine. They did back to back breathing treatments and then rushed him to the hospital next door.
After giving him oxygen and calling in a respitory specialist, they took him to the "IV room" to insert an IV. My son was scared and was crying as much as his lungs would allow. I looked at my watch, saw that it was nearly 1 a.m. and I walked out of that room, away from my sons out stretched hand begging me to stay because "it hurts".
For 3 weeks my son was in that hospital and although I went and visited him, I stayed for only 1/2 hour to 1 hour a day. My son was entertained by Shrek and a little bear my mom had bought him.
You know, the first 10 times I tried to get clean, this episode that I DID was my excuse for relapsing everytime. Like I said, it wasn't until I got in trouble with the law that I finally took every step necessary to get clean.
It took a lot of therapy for me to deal with my guilt because that is just one thing I did as a drug addicted mom and I have 4 children. Don't get me wrong, (if that hasn't happened already) I never hit my kids. I never really yelled at them. I never did anything and that was worse than anything.
I worked my butt off to get clean, keep my kids and try and 'fix' what I myself had broken. Because I suffer from bi-polar, the doctors decided it would be best to put me on xanax and a bunch of other anti-phsycotic drugs and that was the beginning of my new hell because of my addictive personality, I was hooked again. I was on those for 2 years and then old habits slipped in again and I forged another prescription. Although I wasn't arrested, it scared the crap out of me and I cleaned up off of those by myself because I was afraid that if I went to rehab again I would lose my kids. In my opinion, getting off of the benzo's was harder than the opiates, but I also had seizures brought on because of withdrawal and that made life really difficult.
Then....in March of this year a narcotic agent shows up at my door to arrest me for the prescription I had written several months before hand. He says that he would have arrested me sooner but he had been in a motorcycle accident and was layed up for some time, but he arrested me then. I went to jail, was on house arrest for 90 days and am on probation for 3 years. I also had my license taken away for 6 months, but thank goodness, I get that back Wednesday.
But, aside from my own stupidity, I have discovered how much life means to me. I love my children so very much. My parents have been great and although I'm still working on things, I'm doing pretty well. I know some people have used for years, some for only months and are struggling to get clean, and I hope everyone the best because I know the journey, but I also know that it can be done if one truly wants for it to be done. Withdrawals suck!!! But they do go away and the longer someone uses to cover up the withdrawal effect, the more times they are going to have to go through it. I know, I did it tons of times with both opiates and benzos. The seizures made life difficult, and although that is a side effect mostly with benzo withdrawal, it was brought on more with me because I decided to quit all the anti-physcotics at the same time and some of them were seizure medicine that is also suppose to help bi-polar so both probably played a role in that.
Anyway, thank you for reading my post and I hoping everyone well.
Take care
p.s. in the narcotics book, they say that use leads to one of or all three things, prison/jail, institutionalized and death. I barely survived death and the other two do apply to me. I wish I had listened to that book the moment I opened it.
Hi Jessie,
Welcome to the board. Thanks for sharing your story. You have come along way out of hell. That is awesome! I can relate to alot of what you said as well. I have 2 kids of my own. Although I never beat them either, my kids went hungry because money was spent on drugs. Anyway nice to have you here.
take care
gi
Welcome to the board. Thanks for sharing your story. You have come along way out of hell. That is awesome! I can relate to alot of what you said as well. I have 2 kids of my own. Although I never beat them either, my kids went hungry because money was spent on drugs. Anyway nice to have you here.
take care
gi
welcome jessie and thanks so much for sharing.
ya know...they say if you hang around long enough that you will hear someone share your story. you just shared a large part of mine.
i look forward to getting to know you better. you are a miracle!
hugs ~
sammy
ya know...they say if you hang around long enough that you will hear someone share your story. you just shared a large part of mine.
i look forward to getting to know you better. you are a miracle!
hugs ~
sammy
That is kind of a scary story. You are clean now and that is what matters. Live laugh, and love. Get high on life. Welcome to the board.
Travis.......................Pineknot
Travis.......................Pineknot
Hey Jes,
Thanks for your sharing your story........
Your cup runneth over.
Hugs,
Ali
Thanks for your sharing your story........
Your cup runneth over.
Hugs,
Ali
Hey Jessie,
Welcome to the board! Thanks for sharing your story and congrats on your clean time. Although I can't relate to doing what you did to your child I respect that you got clean and have been clean for some time now. You've come along way from the person you once were! I am sure you have felt guilty for leaving your son in hospital and not getting him medical treatment right away. I think that is horrible, I won't lie to you. I am a mother of 3 and I couldn't imagine doing that addict or not. I am sure you've beat yourself up over it.
Everyone is different when it comes to the lengths they would go to to fed their addiction and I am sure a lot of people can relate to your story such as Gina and Sammy did above. My children would never go hungry but again I know some mothers that have put their own needs first and their child/children suffered because of it. I wasn't a perfect mom when I was using don't get me wrong but the worse thing I can remember was just getting too aggravated. Which 3 kids can do that to a non-addict I guess. I am much more patient now that I am clean. Thank goodness I know my kids are happy now:-0)
So It looks like you managed to totally change your whole lifesyle around and become a better person. You should be so proud of youself. I am sure changing your life around had a lot to do with being arrested, on house arrest and probation. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason and that gave you a great opportunity to change your life. I am very happy for you. You should be very proud of yourself. Again welcome to the board. Hope to hear more of your story. I am sure you will give many people on this board "hope".
Rae
Welcome to the board! Thanks for sharing your story and congrats on your clean time. Although I can't relate to doing what you did to your child I respect that you got clean and have been clean for some time now. You've come along way from the person you once were! I am sure you have felt guilty for leaving your son in hospital and not getting him medical treatment right away. I think that is horrible, I won't lie to you. I am a mother of 3 and I couldn't imagine doing that addict or not. I am sure you've beat yourself up over it.
Everyone is different when it comes to the lengths they would go to to fed their addiction and I am sure a lot of people can relate to your story such as Gina and Sammy did above. My children would never go hungry but again I know some mothers that have put their own needs first and their child/children suffered because of it. I wasn't a perfect mom when I was using don't get me wrong but the worse thing I can remember was just getting too aggravated. Which 3 kids can do that to a non-addict I guess. I am much more patient now that I am clean. Thank goodness I know my kids are happy now:-0)
So It looks like you managed to totally change your whole lifesyle around and become a better person. You should be so proud of youself. I am sure changing your life around had a lot to do with being arrested, on house arrest and probation. I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason and that gave you a great opportunity to change your life. I am very happy for you. You should be very proud of yourself. Again welcome to the board. Hope to hear more of your story. I am sure you will give many people on this board "hope".
Rae
judge not lest you be judged.
i felt no need to point out your neglect...you have Im sure punished yourself enough as it is. It took a lot of guts to share your bottom. Thank God he was alright...it could have been much worse.
I'll say it again.
Your cup runneth over.
Hugs,
Ali
i felt no need to point out your neglect...you have Im sure punished yourself enough as it is. It took a lot of guts to share your bottom. Thank God he was alright...it could have been much worse.
I'll say it again.
Your cup runneth over.
Hugs,
Ali
Jessie,
Hi and welcome. And thankyou for sharing with us. I too can relate. Ya' know,
years ago I tried to get sober, but I heard the stories in the rooms of A.A. and at that time, I had a boat load of "I Nevers". I never did this or that, I'm not that bad,
I only drink, etc..etc.. Well,not realizing at that time that although I didn't do some of the things that those who came before shared my drinking was a problem. And had I listened to what those "Old Timers" were saying, I could have been spared the hell I went through, and put everyone in my life through with me, even worse. They shared those stories hoping someone like me would say hey, I better quit now! But for me, I had to learn the hard way. After all of my ''I nevers" came true, which is what it took for me, I realized how wrong I was to judge. At that time it wasn't that I never did those things, it was I hadn't done them yet! I didn't realize I had no control over the road I was on, only that I could choose to ask for help to change paths, or contiue on down the road speeding right into all those "I Nevers". You keep coming back, we need you.
And I thankyou for sharing, I love ya'........
Take care...........Bob
Hi and welcome. And thankyou for sharing with us. I too can relate. Ya' know,
years ago I tried to get sober, but I heard the stories in the rooms of A.A. and at that time, I had a boat load of "I Nevers". I never did this or that, I'm not that bad,
I only drink, etc..etc.. Well,not realizing at that time that although I didn't do some of the things that those who came before shared my drinking was a problem. And had I listened to what those "Old Timers" were saying, I could have been spared the hell I went through, and put everyone in my life through with me, even worse. They shared those stories hoping someone like me would say hey, I better quit now! But for me, I had to learn the hard way. After all of my ''I nevers" came true, which is what it took for me, I realized how wrong I was to judge. At that time it wasn't that I never did those things, it was I hadn't done them yet! I didn't realize I had no control over the road I was on, only that I could choose to ask for help to change paths, or contiue on down the road speeding right into all those "I Nevers". You keep coming back, we need you.
And I thankyou for sharing, I love ya'........
Take care...........Bob
Ali, I love your post, you are so right some people can just not help judging others... or taking other peoples inventory, lately some come on here and start the crap that is going on here and then they play the victim.. it is unbelievable, you really have to feel sorry for those people and pray that someday they will get better...
Jessie welcome to the board you have come thru so much and I am so proud of you for your clean time.. Your story really helped me alot...
Jessie welcome to the board you have come thru so much and I am so proud of you for your clean time.. Your story really helped me alot...
hi jessie
thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope.
congratulations on one year free of any mind altering substances!
happy holidays to you and your children.
hugs,
*sdr*
Jessie:
Welcome to the Board. Thank you for sharing your experience, strength and hope. We as addicts share a lot of the same feelings even though our stories may be different.
Rachel
Hi Jessie, and welcome.
I know that must not have been easy to share and I thank you for sharing it. It was disturbing to read about the plight with your children, (my daugher has respitory allergies) but sometimes we need to hear disturbing. This disease causes many to do things they'd never dream they could have. Perhaps somebody will think long and hard about that and work on getting clean, you never know.
I might not be able to imagine some of your experiences, but I did a few others I never dreamed I would.
What's important is that you found recovery and congradulations to you for taking your life back!
I wish you and your children nothing but wonderful memories from now on.
Love, Kat
I know that must not have been easy to share and I thank you for sharing it. It was disturbing to read about the plight with your children, (my daugher has respitory allergies) but sometimes we need to hear disturbing. This disease causes many to do things they'd never dream they could have. Perhaps somebody will think long and hard about that and work on getting clean, you never know.
I might not be able to imagine some of your experiences, but I did a few others I never dreamed I would.
What's important is that you found recovery and congradulations to you for taking your life back!
I wish you and your children nothing but wonderful memories from now on.
Love, Kat
Jessie
Thanks for shareing your story.i did get really bad off on the pills also. We have all done some pretty bad things hurting love ones,stealing,lieing,..Im happy you have shared your story with us....Your story could really help others hear .I look at your story and some of the others and i think boy.i could of been the one locked up,in jail,or even dead.Thanks for shareing ...please keep post you could really be at help to many of us.....So happy for you to be clean !!!!!!!!!!!!!crystal
Thanks for shareing your story.i did get really bad off on the pills also. We have all done some pretty bad things hurting love ones,stealing,lieing,..Im happy you have shared your story with us....Your story could really help others hear .I look at your story and some of the others and i think boy.i could of been the one locked up,in jail,or even dead.Thanks for shareing ...please keep post you could really be at help to many of us.....So happy for you to be clean !!!!!!!!!!!!!crystal
Hello jessie!
I was a regular here for about eight months on and off through marital problems and my stopping marijuana use and now on the road to recovery myself.
Your story is much more dramatic than mine, but I guess we all go through what we go through, although I must say you've been through much more than many. But it sounds like you've grown.
I can't add much to what others have said above, but I want say I am proud o you for stopping using drugs in the same way the I am proud of myself for getting through my problems.
Your children are lucky to have you for a mother.
Peace be with you.
Ernie
I was a regular here for about eight months on and off through marital problems and my stopping marijuana use and now on the road to recovery myself.
Your story is much more dramatic than mine, but I guess we all go through what we go through, although I must say you've been through much more than many. But it sounds like you've grown.
I can't add much to what others have said above, but I want say I am proud o you for stopping using drugs in the same way the I am proud of myself for getting through my problems.
Your children are lucky to have you for a mother.
Peace be with you.
Ernie
Hi Jessie and Welcome!
Thank you for sharing yourself.
Congrats on your clean time too.
I see courage and rigorous honesty in your post.I know it will help/inspire others. a
Thank you for sharing yourself.
Congrats on your clean time too.
I see courage and rigorous honesty in your post.I know it will help/inspire others. a
Welcome Jessie
We sure put ourselves thru hell, don't we? Congrats on your clean time.
We sure put ourselves thru hell, don't we? Congrats on your clean time.
Jessie,
Welcome, and Thanks Very Much for sharing your story. You have been to hell and back, and for folks like me I need to hear what people have been through--as it helps me stay clean. When I go to NA/AA meetings I gain alot when people share, and it really helps me stay clean.
Thanks Again,
Mike
Welcome, and Thanks Very Much for sharing your story. You have been to hell and back, and for folks like me I need to hear what people have been through--as it helps me stay clean. When I go to NA/AA meetings I gain alot when people share, and it really helps me stay clean.
Thanks Again,
Mike
Thanks for sharing Jessie.
The power of addiciton is incredible. We all have a lot of "yets" out there just waiting for us if we get complacent in our recovery. I'm really glad you're clean and have your kids.
Keep posting Jessie.
Jim
The power of addiciton is incredible. We all have a lot of "yets" out there just waiting for us if we get complacent in our recovery. I'm really glad you're clean and have your kids.
Keep posting Jessie.
Jim
Jessie,
I love the saying, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger". You sound like you are becoming a very strong person. I also like to think that we all go through rough times for a reason. After all you went through, you fought your way back. I believe you will be able to help many others because of what you went through. Even though you have some guilt over your children, think about how proud they must be of you now and how strong they are seeing you become.
Bob, I was reading your post and totally went through the same thing with the "I Never", the first time in rehab. And what happened? I ended up back in rehab.
Shelly
I love the saying, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger". You sound like you are becoming a very strong person. I also like to think that we all go through rough times for a reason. After all you went through, you fought your way back. I believe you will be able to help many others because of what you went through. Even though you have some guilt over your children, think about how proud they must be of you now and how strong they are seeing you become.
Bob, I was reading your post and totally went through the same thing with the "I Never", the first time in rehab. And what happened? I ended up back in rehab.
Shelly
Hey Jessie..
Thank you for sharing your story. I know how painful that can be especially when another addict might judge you. Usually it's someone who hasn't gotten honest with their own story.
Your experience, strength and hope is something that this addict needed to hear.
Welcome to the board and I hope you stick around.
Cowgirl
Thank you for sharing your story. I know how painful that can be especially when another addict might judge you. Usually it's someone who hasn't gotten honest with their own story.
Your experience, strength and hope is something that this addict needed to hear.
Welcome to the board and I hope you stick around.
Cowgirl
