Hi everyone, I got my 30 day chip yesterday. I have a sponsor and have been going to meetings everyday. I am just really having a hard time. I guess I know this time around that I am really going to have to deal with all of the issues that had me using one thing or another. When I first got clean I was just so impressed with the fact that I was clean that I felt great for quite a while...I "worked my own program"...which didn't last at all because I had no program. I just had me being proud of myself for being clean and after a while it was just a fact that I was clean now and I never dealt with anything at all. I see what you all were talking about now. Now I feel like I don't know anything about anything and when I first got clean I had all of these answers about what to do...what supplements to take and how much exercise to get and now I realize that those are all part of getting clean, but not part of recovery. I had all of these great things happen with my life...like getting engaged and having our business take off and pay off all of our debt and have money in the bank and I just got more and more empty until I finally relapsed after 18 months clean. It wasn't a relapse like the addict in me thinks I should have had, but enough for some part of me to call my friend and ask her where her meetings were. I didn't want to become "one of you 12 step people", but now I see it is what I want more than anything. I see the long road ahead and it overwhelms me. I am stressed out about not doing the program right and not getting the peace that I need so badly. I just want to tell people out there who are getting clean that I wish I would have gone to the meetings and had a sponsor from the beginning. Yeah, I did it by myself and was totally clean, but I wasn't in recovery and now i know what that means. Do yourself a favor and get into a meeting, so you won't be starting over like me! Thanks, CAS.
Cas your posting has alot of maturity in it. It sounds like you really get it. I didnt want to be "one of those 12 step people " either but I have become one!! And it has been the best thing I could have ever done. Just keep looking forward and dont look back, keep your mind open and try to stay focused in the present. Finding a sponser really started the growth process for me and working the steps opened up a whole new way of life. I stopped being afraid. So glad to hear you are doing better
Take Care
Carol
Take Care
Carol
Hi CAS:
It's great seeing you! Keep leaning into the willingness, as you are doing. Thanks for sharing your honesty and your truth. You help me so much when you post.
~Rachel
It's great seeing you! Keep leaning into the willingness, as you are doing. Thanks for sharing your honesty and your truth. You help me so much when you post.
~Rachel
I loved your post Cas...sounded so much like me. I hated hanging out with a bunch of addicts and alkies...not me at all.
Now they are some of the best people in my life.
Hang in there kiddo...you're on the right path.
Take care
Cowgirl
Now they are some of the best people in my life.
Hang in there kiddo...you're on the right path.
Take care
Cowgirl
Hey CAS...I was the queen of relapse and could not figure out for the life of me why I just couldn't remain clean. Like you..the depression and the "just one" thinking started sinking in and then off to the races again. Never in a bazillion years did I ever think I would not only become a member of the 12 step program...but embrace it so endearingly! It has changed my life and I am grateful to have them.
I don't eat, sleep and breath it...however it is a big part of my life and I love the principles and unconditional love I have found there. I have been clean for almost 4 months! First time that long clean in over 5 years!
Yes I am grateful.
Keep coming back! You are doing so good!!!! Yipppppeeeee
I don't eat, sleep and breath it...however it is a big part of my life and I love the principles and unconditional love I have found there. I have been clean for almost 4 months! First time that long clean in over 5 years!
Yes I am grateful.
Keep coming back! You are doing so good!!!! Yipppppeeeee
Cas,
Finding a way to make yourself do the really hard work..in'
asking ourselves WHY we needed to run from our feelings in the 1st place
IS the ONLY way to ensure- to guarantee; that we will stay away from drugs for good....
and 12 steps is one of the ways to get that therapy,
so congratulations...
Your about to embark on a great journey to figuring out just who you really are..
Keep posting and share your experiences..all my best thinking and epiphanies came while in therapy..lol
Hugs
Ali
Finding a way to make yourself do the really hard work..in'
asking ourselves WHY we needed to run from our feelings in the 1st place
IS the ONLY way to ensure- to guarantee; that we will stay away from drugs for good....
and 12 steps is one of the ways to get that therapy,
so congratulations...
Your about to embark on a great journey to figuring out just who you really are..
Keep posting and share your experiences..all my best thinking and epiphanies came while in therapy..lol
Hugs
Ali
CAS quotes
LMAO.......Man,Can I relate to that.
Im my egomaniacial delusion I really believed I was my Higher Power.I was an anomoly and a bunch of drunks and addicts couldn't possibly tell me how to improve my life.I mean...Look at the bang up job I had done so far?
There are people who go to their first meetings,readily identify and get down to working the twelve steps with a sponsor and never look back.
I wasn't one of those.I'm a stubborn,know it all,anarchist who wants to disprove everything.
The price I paid was to continually be beat down and humiliated.When I reached that point in my life that I knew I couldn't think my way out and this had nothing to do with intellect,was I able to start listening.
CAS.....You're there.Everytime I see this with a fellow addict I shed a tear.I know what defiance look like but I also know what surrender looks like.It's an awesome place to be.It's about being powerless but obtaining a lasting peace.
Yin and Yang.
Thank you for sharing this with us and please do not be a stranger.You have a lot to give back here CAS.Sharing your ESH can help someone coming in who has the same questions.New people will sometimes listen more to somone who has 30 days than 10 years.
| QUOTE |
| I "worked my own program". .. |
LMAO.......Man,Can I relate to that.
Im my egomaniacial delusion I really believed I was my Higher Power.I was an anomoly and a bunch of drunks and addicts couldn't possibly tell me how to improve my life.I mean...Look at the bang up job I had done so far?
There are people who go to their first meetings,readily identify and get down to working the twelve steps with a sponsor and never look back.
I wasn't one of those.I'm a stubborn,know it all,anarchist who wants to disprove everything.
The price I paid was to continually be beat down and humiliated.When I reached that point in my life that I knew I couldn't think my way out and this had nothing to do with intellect,was I able to start listening.
CAS.....You're there.Everytime I see this with a fellow addict I shed a tear.I know what defiance look like but I also know what surrender looks like.It's an awesome place to be.It's about being powerless but obtaining a lasting peace.
Yin and Yang.
Thank you for sharing this with us and please do not be a stranger.You have a lot to give back here CAS.Sharing your ESH can help someone coming in who has the same questions.New people will sometimes listen more to somone who has 30 days than 10 years.
Cas, wonderful post. But as I'm sure your sponsor has probably suggested, "easy does it" -- you don't have to do this thing all at once. There's no graduate program. You're building a strong foundation for continued sobriety. Trust that. In time, you may want to take a closer look at some of those fears, but not all at once, and not right now. There's a reason the Steps are in order . . . also, if you're like me, you might just find that there was a whole lot less "there" there once you get a few 24 hours of clean time under your belt.
You sound like you're right where you should be. Hang in, it really does get better and better....
You sound like you're right where you should be. Hang in, it really does get better and better....
Hi CAS...
Happy Birthday Baby!
Thanks for sharing...you made my day with your post <smiling>...you so remind me of myself and that thinking that can go on upstairs in my head....
I remember feeling this way and watching the others in the rooms and thinking it wouldn't happen for me but slowly, without even realizing it, it does happen. Try to stay in today, in the Now....when I kept doing the next right things, things happened and my whole life changed and my perceptions shifted....
I was told very early on, there is no right way or wrong way, just don't use today and do what is suggested and it will happen.....I agree with None's post...don't worry about the future steps or the baggage from the past, when it's time to address it, you will know and you will have your sponsor to help you through all of it....
I heard in a meeting last night someone shared that in the begining as long as your open and willing, hope is with you then somewhere along the line the hope turns to faith....it is a beautiful new life...
CAS...it's a wonderful ride...be good to yourself and enjoy your Birthday....30 days is huge and such a milestone....It only gets better so keep coming back...
(((hugs)))
Stacey
Happy Birthday Baby!
Thanks for sharing...you made my day with your post <smiling>...you so remind me of myself and that thinking that can go on upstairs in my head....
| QUOTE |
| I am stressed out about not doing the program right and not getting the peace that I need so badly. |
I remember feeling this way and watching the others in the rooms and thinking it wouldn't happen for me but slowly, without even realizing it, it does happen. Try to stay in today, in the Now....when I kept doing the next right things, things happened and my whole life changed and my perceptions shifted....
I was told very early on, there is no right way or wrong way, just don't use today and do what is suggested and it will happen.....I agree with None's post...don't worry about the future steps or the baggage from the past, when it's time to address it, you will know and you will have your sponsor to help you through all of it....
I heard in a meeting last night someone shared that in the begining as long as your open and willing, hope is with you then somewhere along the line the hope turns to faith....it is a beautiful new life...
CAS...it's a wonderful ride...be good to yourself and enjoy your Birthday....30 days is huge and such a milestone....It only gets better so keep coming back...
(((hugs)))
Stacey
"Our newly found faith serves as a firm foundation for courage in the future."
Basic Text,p.93
Basic Text,p.93
It the worst thing that ever happens to you is that you become "one of those 12 step people", you will have a blessed life......
And time and sobriety...along with those steps..does make fears smaller. If it can do it for me, definitely in the upper 10th percentile in timidity, it can do it for anybody....
And time and sobriety...along with those steps..does make fears smaller. If it can do it for me, definitely in the upper 10th percentile in timidity, it can do it for anybody....
