I am in love with a recovering heroin addict.
A little back story is we dated for a short period of time 20 years ago, I had gotten pregnant and then miscarried. I got scared and ran. Over the next 15 or so years, we would run into each other every once in a while, and since we both moved on with our lives, we became very good friends. 4 years ago he started to act different. I knew something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. Unfortunately he had become addicted to heroin. And after getting into trouble he was arrested on an assault charge. He has been clean for 4 years, 3 1/2 which were in jail. He was released 6 months ago. When he was released, we reconnected. We spent every moment we could together. I realized that I never truly got over him and I fell in love with him all over again.
I was happy. Just last week, he told me he needed time to think. He told me he was falling into a dark place and needed to get back on track. As much as it hurt I agreed to give him the space he needs. He sent me a message a few days later saying that he still needed my friendship and wanted to start a family with me but needed time to work things out. When I asked him how he was planning on doing that he said he was going to go the gym more, find some kind of therapy, and find more work (even though he already works 60 hours a week). I haven't heard from him since and I am scared. I want to give him the time he needs and trust that he's ok, but I have no idea what's going on. Any advise on how I can cope with the unknown?
Hi. I saw your post when you posted and wanted to respond, but I've been sick so I hope you're coming back to check this.
I have been with an addict for 14 years, many ups and downs. He's clean now and we have a family (2 boys, a dog, a little house, a good life). So take what I say as someone who's likely been there, gone through it many times.
I don't think the fear of the unknown and wandering thoughts ever really go away. There's always a small fear, no matter how good it gets that everything can and will fall apart. What you can do is just accept that you can't manage his addiction, ever. His addiction is his and his alone to handle. You can offer support, which it seems like you are, but you can't manage it or make him not want to use, so if he wants to use, he's gonna find a way.
The unknown is hard. Have you reached out to him to see how he's doing? Or have you heard from him again since he wanted space? It sounds like he has a good plan in place to stay clean. At this point, if you still have yet to hear from him, you could text or call and just make sure he knows you're here for him and leave it at that.
I don't know if it's gotten easier for me or if I just manage my thoughts better after all this time. In any case, even though it may drive you nuts not hearing from him, just keep yourself busy and make sure he knows your support is always there. It's hard to adjust to life being clean, I'm sure it will help knowing that he has a support system in you.
I have been with an addict for 14 years, many ups and downs. He's clean now and we have a family (2 boys, a dog, a little house, a good life). So take what I say as someone who's likely been there, gone through it many times.
I don't think the fear of the unknown and wandering thoughts ever really go away. There's always a small fear, no matter how good it gets that everything can and will fall apart. What you can do is just accept that you can't manage his addiction, ever. His addiction is his and his alone to handle. You can offer support, which it seems like you are, but you can't manage it or make him not want to use, so if he wants to use, he's gonna find a way.
The unknown is hard. Have you reached out to him to see how he's doing? Or have you heard from him again since he wanted space? It sounds like he has a good plan in place to stay clean. At this point, if you still have yet to hear from him, you could text or call and just make sure he knows you're here for him and leave it at that.
I don't know if it's gotten easier for me or if I just manage my thoughts better after all this time. In any case, even though it may drive you nuts not hearing from him, just keep yourself busy and make sure he knows your support is always there. It's hard to adjust to life being clean, I'm sure it will help knowing that he has a support system in you.
