This is my first post. I'm not even sure if I should be here. My daughter passed away from an overdose three and a half years ago. Certain times of the year are harder than others. This is one. Its strange but I get comfort reading the posts. I dont want to offend, but I want to remember everything. Its hard. Sometimes I try to pretend that it never happened, but I feel guilty and need reminders. I'm raising her daughter, so for most of the day normalcy is a must. After she's in bed at night, my mind just wont shut down and I descend back into the darkness. Anyway, if I shouldnt be here, please let me know.
AngelMom,
Welcome. Yes, you are welcome here. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's our biggest fear.
I know the holidays have got to be rough for you but hopefully you get a little comfort in your granddaughter.
I'm no doctor but I would say that you get comfort from reading the posts on here because you lived it. It helps all of us to know that we aren't alone. So, yes, even when your daughter was still here, you were not alone in your struggle.
Just know, you did not have any control over your daughter's addiction. I can tell from your post that you loved your daughter very much. I am certain that she loved you and her daughter too.
Have you had any counseling at all? If not, it might help to see a grief counselor
I'm sure some of the others will respond soon.
Take care,
Michelle
Welcome. Yes, you are welcome here. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's our biggest fear.
I know the holidays have got to be rough for you but hopefully you get a little comfort in your granddaughter.
I'm no doctor but I would say that you get comfort from reading the posts on here because you lived it. It helps all of us to know that we aren't alone. So, yes, even when your daughter was still here, you were not alone in your struggle.
Just know, you did not have any control over your daughter's addiction. I can tell from your post that you loved your daughter very much. I am certain that she loved you and her daughter too.
Have you had any counseling at all? If not, it might help to see a grief counselor
I'm sure some of the others will respond soon.
Take care,
Michelle
Loving Welcome Angelmom. You ARE in the right place. So very sorry that you need us but so very happy that you found us.
I am so sorry about your child. Here's a huge bear hug. I get it. I wholeheartedly get it. While my girl's drug of choice is heroin, she bought Carfentanyl and passed away on 8.29.16. She is forever 21. So, I REALLY understand how you are feeling. We are living an addict parent's worse nightmare.
For me, I'm still coming to terms with the fact that she was (I find verb tenses so hard) an addict. My girl's latest addiction was on a fast-track, superhighway. This time last year she was in her 5th semester of college, working 3 jobs, had leadership positions on campus but her grades were horrible. Then in February 2016 she went to her first detox. In March she chose to move to FL for a 30 day detox. She had her first OD in July. Her 2nd OD was on 8.28.16 and her 3rd OD on 8.29. I'm having emotional whiplash.
In addition, to trying to "understand" and accept her addiction, I am grieving and mourning the loss of my only child. Losing a child for any reason is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. But bc there is still a stigma about addiction, bc of our co-dependency/enabling, bc of our own guilt, losing a child due to addiction has its own special flavor of pain.
Entrust your heart and feelings here on this board. Find a grief counselor/therapist. And. . .breathe. The holidays are horrible. Take it one minute at a time if you must. Drink lots of water bc crying is dehydrating. In addition, there are many groups who may be able to provide you some support and comfort because your baby girl got her wings. The ones I know are:
* The Compassionate Friends has support groups that meet about once a month. It also has online support chats every day. It deals with grief of parents, siblings & grandparents in general. There are at least 2 chats every day to participate in.
* GRASP (Grief Relief After Substance Passing) is an organization that focus on grief caused specifically by addiction. GRASP also has chapters which hold meetings about once a month. However, if you reach out to them, someone will contact you quick, fast and in a hurry. Hubby and I are going to our first GRASP meeting tomorrow.
* Alive Alone helps parents who have lost their only child or all their children deal with this loss. You can email them and someone who is further down the grief path will get back in touch with you. You can connect one-on-one with this parent(s).
* Facebook Groups. There are a few FB closed groups that allow you to privately communicate with other moms who have lost their children. The Compassionate Friends has a page. There are 2 other FB groups you might be interested in. One is TAM-Grieving Moms. TAM stands for The Addict's Mom. I think you can guess what this group is about. The other is TCF-Loss to Substances. (PS TAM also has a "regular" page for moms whose kids are alive and using/recovering.)
Check with your local hospital or hospice program. There are probably other support groups out there for grieving parents in general and grieving parents of addicts specifically, near you where you can get face-to-face contact and real hugs.
I hope that this is helpful. For now, I'm sending gentle hugs your way. And an open invitation to share with us here.
Lynn
xoxo
I am so sorry about your child. Here's a huge bear hug. I get it. I wholeheartedly get it. While my girl's drug of choice is heroin, she bought Carfentanyl and passed away on 8.29.16. She is forever 21. So, I REALLY understand how you are feeling. We are living an addict parent's worse nightmare.
For me, I'm still coming to terms with the fact that she was (I find verb tenses so hard) an addict. My girl's latest addiction was on a fast-track, superhighway. This time last year she was in her 5th semester of college, working 3 jobs, had leadership positions on campus but her grades were horrible. Then in February 2016 she went to her first detox. In March she chose to move to FL for a 30 day detox. She had her first OD in July. Her 2nd OD was on 8.28.16 and her 3rd OD on 8.29. I'm having emotional whiplash.
In addition, to trying to "understand" and accept her addiction, I am grieving and mourning the loss of my only child. Losing a child for any reason is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. But bc there is still a stigma about addiction, bc of our co-dependency/enabling, bc of our own guilt, losing a child due to addiction has its own special flavor of pain.
Entrust your heart and feelings here on this board. Find a grief counselor/therapist. And. . .breathe. The holidays are horrible. Take it one minute at a time if you must. Drink lots of water bc crying is dehydrating. In addition, there are many groups who may be able to provide you some support and comfort because your baby girl got her wings. The ones I know are:
* The Compassionate Friends has support groups that meet about once a month. It also has online support chats every day. It deals with grief of parents, siblings & grandparents in general. There are at least 2 chats every day to participate in.
* GRASP (Grief Relief After Substance Passing) is an organization that focus on grief caused specifically by addiction. GRASP also has chapters which hold meetings about once a month. However, if you reach out to them, someone will contact you quick, fast and in a hurry. Hubby and I are going to our first GRASP meeting tomorrow.
* Alive Alone helps parents who have lost their only child or all their children deal with this loss. You can email them and someone who is further down the grief path will get back in touch with you. You can connect one-on-one with this parent(s).
* Facebook Groups. There are a few FB closed groups that allow you to privately communicate with other moms who have lost their children. The Compassionate Friends has a page. There are 2 other FB groups you might be interested in. One is TAM-Grieving Moms. TAM stands for The Addict's Mom. I think you can guess what this group is about. The other is TCF-Loss to Substances. (PS TAM also has a "regular" page for moms whose kids are alive and using/recovering.)
Check with your local hospital or hospice program. There are probably other support groups out there for grieving parents in general and grieving parents of addicts specifically, near you where you can get face-to-face contact and real hugs.
I hope that this is helpful. For now, I'm sending gentle hugs your way. And an open invitation to share with us here.
Lynn
xoxo
Oh. . .you didn't say how old your granddaughter is. But there are sleep-away camps for kids that have lost their parent(s). The camps are free. And, if you can't afford to get your granddaughter to the camp, they will pay for transportation, too. Unfortunately, I don't remember the names of the camps. But I'm sure TCF, GRASP or one of those organizations can steer you in the right direction.
Hang in there!
Hang in there!
You are welcome here. We are all in different stages in this fight against addiction and our own mental health. Yours is one stage that many of us fear and we all hope we never reach but we do know that death can come at any time to any one of our addicts. Death is not the end of the grief for a parent. I am so sorry for your loss! You will find kindred spirits here and are welcome to share your wisdom if you like. We understand your sorrow...
Thank you all for the warm welcome. Lynn, I'm so sorry about your daughter. It's so recent and I really appreciate your concern. When my daughter was in active addiction and for a while after her death I was on a naranon message group. It really helped at the time, but when I go there now no one is posting. I am glad that I found this one.
As I read the posts, the advice is always to stop enabling and let them go. This is the right thing to do and the only way to "help" them. I was so naive when my daughter told me that she was an addict that I did everything wrong. I knew nothing about addiction. I thought that she could quit if she wsntef
As I read the posts, the advice is always to stop enabling and let them go. This is the right thing to do and the only way to "help" them. I was so naive when my daughter told me that she was an addict that I did everything wrong. I knew nothing about addiction. I thought that she could quit if she wsntef
Sorry, I dont know how that posted before I was done. I thought that she could quit if she wanted to. I did so many things wrong because I never thought it was as bad as it was. I went to my first naranon meeting the day after she went to rehab. I remember sharing that she told me that shes addicted to heroin and we chose a rehab. My attitude was that she would come home and be fine. They tried to tell me that it might not be thate easy but I was sure that they were wrong. My daughter wasnt like "their kids". I was so stupid. A counselor at rehab once told me that I was going to love her to death. I think I did. After rehab I let a boyfriend from rehab move into our house. She said that they would be stronger together. I was stupid, stupid, stupid.
While she was pregnant she was on Subutex. Six months after the baby was born I was urging her to get off of it. I thought that we could be "normal" again. If she had stayed on it, she might be alive. I made every mistake in the book. Sometimes when she was feeling ok and we talked she would tell me that it wasnt my fault. She said that it was only her fault. I wish I could believe that, but I dont and never will. She was on life support for three days and I did a lot of talking to her. I told her that I forgive her and I hope she forgives me.
I promised to take care of her daughter. She was 3 at the time, and luckily doesnt remember the chaos. She will be 7 next month and only knows that mama got sick and couldnt get better. I'm dreading the day that I have to tell the story. I'm getting tired, but I wanted to say that my biggest problem is my guilt for enabling, so any of you who are detaching and forcing your kids to be on their own are doing the right thing. Dont ever doubt yourself. Stay strong and you wont regret it.
Jane
Jane
Jane-
It is so clear that your daughter loved you very much. And, she understood (on some level) how she was hurting you with her addiction.
Don't beat yourself up!! You didn't make 'Mistakes." You loved your girl with all of your heart. All that you did was designed to protect her and provide for her. You did the absolute best you could with the information you had at the time.
The guilts are one of the worst things. Whether you enabled or not, you engage in the woulda, shoulda, coulda's. I did practice Tough Love, not enabling, etc, I've been active on this board for a while, I even went to Naranon meetings, I was seeing a therapist. . .but I still feel guilty. I wonder if I gave her gift cards or bought food, or helped her brainstorm when she called with a problem, if she still would be here. I worry that she thought I hated her and was disappointed in her and that's why I said, "No." I think that maybe if I hugged her more or was more demonstrative with my feelings she wouldn't have been attracted to drugs in the first place.
I cry every time I think about when I flew to see her on her 21st bday, about a month before she passed. She OD'd the day before. So, she was in the hospital still when I got there. I feel so badly that I didn't walk into her hospital room and hug and & kiss her, and tell her how glad that I am that she was alive . . . like Carol Brady would have done. Nope. . .I was more like Carol Burnett in Mama's Family. Sarcastic Lynn walked in and said, "Happy Bday! Is this how you planned to spend your day? Most people want to go out and have a drink or a party. You opted to come to the hospital. Party over here. . ."
After that OD, I convinced her to fly home with me. She was home less than 30 hours when she announced she was returning to FL. I regret not giving her a hug & kiss when she decided to return to FL, allegedly to go to a 45 day inpatient program. I wanted to show her how much I disapproved of her choice. I detached . .but not with love. I also screamed at her the night before she left about how her use was affecting her & us, how we were emotionally & financially bankrupt, how she was better than drugged-up Jilly, that I was trying to save her life. I think by screaming I just gave her an excuse to go use and a justification to return to FL. (Her answer to my rant was simply, "I guess I'm a bad daughter. . .")
I also thought that my J would be cured after she successfully completed detox and graduated from rehab. In part I believed this out of ignorance. Rehab was a black box to me: we put them in, something happens while they are there, and they come out clean, whole & ready to face the world. Or, that's what I thought. In part, I believed that there was a cure bc she had done it once before. As a teen, she was addicted to pills and alcohol. After trying everything at home (shrinks, contracts, AA, group therapy, family therapy, meds, IOP, etc) hubby and I whisked her away to the hinterlands of West Virginia to a religious boarding school for troubled teens. You know what????? She did extremely well there and for almost 2 years after. She was clean, sober & productive. Cured!!! Now it was just a matter of her saying no to drugs. Little did I know.
She wanted to go to a religious college. I wanted her to go to a small non-religious, academically rigourous college. I didn't want her isolated from real life, in a religious environment. I wanted her to be somewhere that was closer to real life, with real life temptations and problems so that she would develop coping skills & be able to function where drugs and alcohol would be. I gave her my 2 cents but told her the decision was her's. (I'm good at arguing.) She went to a small secular college. I beat myself up wondering if I let her go where she wanted to, would she have fallen in love with heroin or would she be clean and sober & I'd be preparing for her college graduation in May 2017.
My rational mind chants the 3 Cs (I didn't cause her addiction, I can't control it & I can't cure it) like I was saying the Rosary. My rational mind knows that everything I did was geared to saving her life. Was done because I loved her so much. Was done to "help" her. But, my heart. . .My heart, isnt so calm and logical. Like your heart, my heart aches bc she is not here. period.
'Nough said.
Sorry so long. . .clearly I needed to vent.
The moral of the story is that whether we enable or not is really not the issue. I think the issue is coming to grips. . .accepting. . .that we had no contol over our girls, over their addiction or their choices. In fact, THEY had no control over themselves; addiction was running the show. I think it is realizing that our love wasnt strong enough to same them. And, Lord knows, we loved them from the souls of their feet to the top of their heads. . .so we did what we thought was right at the time. And. . .here's the news. . .what we did WAS right!!! (Hindsight is always a pompous "told-you-so", b***h. Ignore her.)
Here's a bear hug for you, Angel.
Lynn
xoxo
It is so clear that your daughter loved you very much. And, she understood (on some level) how she was hurting you with her addiction.
Don't beat yourself up!! You didn't make 'Mistakes." You loved your girl with all of your heart. All that you did was designed to protect her and provide for her. You did the absolute best you could with the information you had at the time.
The guilts are one of the worst things. Whether you enabled or not, you engage in the woulda, shoulda, coulda's. I did practice Tough Love, not enabling, etc, I've been active on this board for a while, I even went to Naranon meetings, I was seeing a therapist. . .but I still feel guilty. I wonder if I gave her gift cards or bought food, or helped her brainstorm when she called with a problem, if she still would be here. I worry that she thought I hated her and was disappointed in her and that's why I said, "No." I think that maybe if I hugged her more or was more demonstrative with my feelings she wouldn't have been attracted to drugs in the first place.
I cry every time I think about when I flew to see her on her 21st bday, about a month before she passed. She OD'd the day before. So, she was in the hospital still when I got there. I feel so badly that I didn't walk into her hospital room and hug and & kiss her, and tell her how glad that I am that she was alive . . . like Carol Brady would have done. Nope. . .I was more like Carol Burnett in Mama's Family. Sarcastic Lynn walked in and said, "Happy Bday! Is this how you planned to spend your day? Most people want to go out and have a drink or a party. You opted to come to the hospital. Party over here. . ."
After that OD, I convinced her to fly home with me. She was home less than 30 hours when she announced she was returning to FL. I regret not giving her a hug & kiss when she decided to return to FL, allegedly to go to a 45 day inpatient program. I wanted to show her how much I disapproved of her choice. I detached . .but not with love. I also screamed at her the night before she left about how her use was affecting her & us, how we were emotionally & financially bankrupt, how she was better than drugged-up Jilly, that I was trying to save her life. I think by screaming I just gave her an excuse to go use and a justification to return to FL. (Her answer to my rant was simply, "I guess I'm a bad daughter. . .")
I also thought that my J would be cured after she successfully completed detox and graduated from rehab. In part I believed this out of ignorance. Rehab was a black box to me: we put them in, something happens while they are there, and they come out clean, whole & ready to face the world. Or, that's what I thought. In part, I believed that there was a cure bc she had done it once before. As a teen, she was addicted to pills and alcohol. After trying everything at home (shrinks, contracts, AA, group therapy, family therapy, meds, IOP, etc) hubby and I whisked her away to the hinterlands of West Virginia to a religious boarding school for troubled teens. You know what????? She did extremely well there and for almost 2 years after. She was clean, sober & productive. Cured!!! Now it was just a matter of her saying no to drugs. Little did I know.
She wanted to go to a religious college. I wanted her to go to a small non-religious, academically rigourous college. I didn't want her isolated from real life, in a religious environment. I wanted her to be somewhere that was closer to real life, with real life temptations and problems so that she would develop coping skills & be able to function where drugs and alcohol would be. I gave her my 2 cents but told her the decision was her's. (I'm good at arguing.) She went to a small secular college. I beat myself up wondering if I let her go where she wanted to, would she have fallen in love with heroin or would she be clean and sober & I'd be preparing for her college graduation in May 2017.
My rational mind chants the 3 Cs (I didn't cause her addiction, I can't control it & I can't cure it) like I was saying the Rosary. My rational mind knows that everything I did was geared to saving her life. Was done because I loved her so much. Was done to "help" her. But, my heart. . .My heart, isnt so calm and logical. Like your heart, my heart aches bc she is not here. period.
'Nough said.
Sorry so long. . .clearly I needed to vent.
The moral of the story is that whether we enable or not is really not the issue. I think the issue is coming to grips. . .accepting. . .that we had no contol over our girls, over their addiction or their choices. In fact, THEY had no control over themselves; addiction was running the show. I think it is realizing that our love wasnt strong enough to same them. And, Lord knows, we loved them from the souls of their feet to the top of their heads. . .so we did what we thought was right at the time. And. . .here's the news. . .what we did WAS right!!! (Hindsight is always a pompous "told-you-so", b***h. Ignore her.)
Here's a bear hug for you, Angel.
Lynn
xoxo
everybody is welcome to this site and you have really valid reason to be here , hope it can help in any way you need it! I a so sorry for your loss!
Hi Angel Mom,
Welcome to this forum. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can totally understand why this time of year would be so hard for you... I also lost my oldest son a little over a year ago. Between October to New Year last year was hard because he died in October and his birthday was in December. I stayed away from this forum for awhile as well. He had some mental health issues that surfaced over the summer. He seemed to be doing better and was participating in an intensive outpatient program. I saw him every weekend and we texted all the time. He overdosed in a hotel room. Never saw it coming.
I totally understand all of the "could've should've" conversations we have in our heads; I have them all the time. For you and Lynn - please be gentle with yourselves.
Welcome to this forum. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can totally understand why this time of year would be so hard for you... I also lost my oldest son a little over a year ago. Between October to New Year last year was hard because he died in October and his birthday was in December. I stayed away from this forum for awhile as well. He had some mental health issues that surfaced over the summer. He seemed to be doing better and was participating in an intensive outpatient program. I saw him every weekend and we texted all the time. He overdosed in a hotel room. Never saw it coming.
I totally understand all of the "could've should've" conversations we have in our heads; I have them all the time. For you and Lynn - please be gentle with yourselves.
I'm so sorry Mtggirl for the loss of your son. Sending gentle hugs your way!!!
Welcome and many sympathies to those who have lost children.
I know others have said this, but please try to stay away from guilt. Stop yourself when you think those thoughts. There is no easy answer and no right thing when dealing with kids addicted. And, we just love them so much. We want to believe them. We want to help them. I think most of us are totally blindsided when these problems start occurring. They are crazy and out of control-a roller coaster ride. It takes awhile to learn about "tough love" and, even then, so hard to do. I have stayed away from my son (feeling super tough) for almost 4 days. I saw him today and just melted. (Didn't let him know that). I look at him and just think, "Why can't you see how much you are loved and all the people that care". But, he can't. He is out of control and I have to keep the tough love thing going. I am not always good at that! We all try our best in a very bad situation. That is all we can do. Be gentle with yourself. Hugs to all.
I know others have said this, but please try to stay away from guilt. Stop yourself when you think those thoughts. There is no easy answer and no right thing when dealing with kids addicted. And, we just love them so much. We want to believe them. We want to help them. I think most of us are totally blindsided when these problems start occurring. They are crazy and out of control-a roller coaster ride. It takes awhile to learn about "tough love" and, even then, so hard to do. I have stayed away from my son (feeling super tough) for almost 4 days. I saw him today and just melted. (Didn't let him know that). I look at him and just think, "Why can't you see how much you are loved and all the people that care". But, he can't. He is out of control and I have to keep the tough love thing going. I am not always good at that! We all try our best in a very bad situation. That is all we can do. Be gentle with yourself. Hugs to all.
